Worst mum. Nothing I can do

[Gonewiththemoon]

I’ll start by saying IABU but posting here for traffic in the middle of the night.
I have 3 DC and I have emetaphobia. It’s crippling me again the past 6 months. The fight or flight kicked in tonight when DC age 3 woke up with tummy pain. I started cold sweating, heart rate shot up to 125 and I did what I thought was best… text my mum.
she was actually awake and called me. Said I could take DC3 to her house(she’s a 3 minute drive away). So I did.
I bundled my 3 year old into the car, covered in a towel, at 2am.
I can’t carry on like this. But what can I do?
I already take citalopram, I’ve just taken a diazepam. I’ve tried CBT but it was horrific. Exposure therapy that I simply couldn’t handle.
ive started to get full blown panic attacks lately too. Something I’ve not had in quite a while. I hate leaving the house. I don’t want to send the DC to school for fear of them getting sick.
im desperate. I’m not suicidal, but I hate this life. Hate it. I want to be the mum that holds her children when they’re sick(I have done in the recent past, but tonight hit me like a tonne of bricks). I want to take them on days out to fun places that they deserve, not just stay at home incase someone picks up bloody norovirus!

I don't know why you're being so argumentative. The OP knows this isn't sustainable. That's why she posted. She knows it's not ok.She's not a shit mum but she does need help to be the mother she wants to be. We all do, from time to time.

Your whatabouttery is not helpful to her.

Sorry that should read she's NOT a shit mum!

This is a forum for discussion.

Whataboutery ? Where ?

What happens if your child is actually sick at home? Do you refuse to deal with it and call your mum? Or do you clean them up? Not having a go, just wondering.

@IwishIcouldconfess I think I'm agreeing with you so I'm not sure why you're having a pop at me.

@Rosscameasdoody the whole 'maybe she was calmer when she's phoned her mum'. If that was the case there was no need for her son to be put in a car. If she was that afraid that she had to remove her son from the situation she would have obviously felt very uncomfortable with him in the car. The point is that this isn't ok and OP knows this and is deeply unhappy. So she needs to find people to help her. That's not judgemental that's just how life works. And it's hard.

The OP hasn’t said they’re not safe. That was another poster. The issue here is that OP has insight. She knew she was experiencing the onset of her phobia and that in the event her son was sick she wouldn’t cope. So she took action before that happened and got help. It doesn’t mean that her kids aren’t safe, or that she should put them into care, as so charmingly suggested upthread. There is a vulnerable person here with a significant MH problems and asking for advice, and as usual some people are posting simply to put the boot in.

I think this is really unfair.

That PP spoke from personal experience about what helped her and you’ve reported them.

The comment could be deleted and the poster removed from the site just because you don’t agree with their opinion.

as you have two teens you must have got through this with them?
you are not a failure when you have a problem like this it takes over your whole life.
stomach ache does not mean sickness of course
i know you say you have tried things before but i think its time to go back to your GP

My mum's like this. I never realised it had a name until now. I remember as an older child, I had to clean up my vomit myself. I've never thought of her as a bad mum for it.. and you dc's won't either.

Hello @Gonewiththemoon

I am a psychologist and a hypnotherapist and have worked with people with emetophobia many times. It sounds like you have reached a point where you just can't go on like this as your phobia is affecting so many aspects of your life. You can make a change, and it is good that you have found hypnotherapy helpful in the past, and there is a way to get the benefits at home by using this site, it is so good, I recommend it to anyone that is struggling with issues especially anxiety and fears and phobias.

Hypnosis Downloads - Online Self Hypnosis MP3 Audio & Scripts Center

Maybe start with this one, as it is not directly tackling the phobia but anxiety in general. If you were coming to see me for sessions I would have a session or two around managing intrusive thoughts and anxiety first, and use the concepts in this audio all the time very successfully:

Overcome Fear and Anxiety Hypnosis Audio

Listen daily for a week or two, and practice the concepts whenever the thoughts begin to intrude. If you find it helpful, and are not ready to do the phobia work yet, there are lots of other really lovely, calming audios on the site that will help.

This one will tackle the phobia, and again listen to this as often as you need to, but maybe when you are feeling calmer, and not when you are in crisis. It is exposure therapy of sorts, it takes you to a relaxed state and then has you work through memories and feelings around vomiting in a calm and controlled state.

Fear of Vomiting - Emetophobia Hypnosis Audio

The site has many really helpful self-hypnosis audios that really do work. I use them on myself!!

Good luck, you can do this. Take it one step at a time and be kind to yourself. This anxiety is so ingrained in you, has been there for so long, it is almost part of your personality now. It's like a toxic relationship, it can be hard to imagine life without it, but it is possible.

I actually think you've totally missed the point and probably don't understand the meaning of phobia. She did what she thought was best for her child and it was only a few minutes away. She's already tearing herself to shreds, she doesn't need you to do it too. A little understanding goes a long way. I'm so concerned by the amount of mum bashing there is amongst women nowadays...how about support and compassion? Or if you can't manage that just stay quiet.

While others may think this is harsh I think it is not and is actually good advice and I believe came from a good place of concern. It shows there is hope and that unlike the OP subject line there is something that can be done. By posting just shows that the OP is looking for help to move forward. She does not come across as a bad mum never mind the worst one.

It may have been mentioned already but the Fear Clinic TV series in C4 had emetaphobia in two episodes and is definitely worth a watch.

I don't think I have missed the point at all.

In actual fact I think sometimes were too bloody compassionate and we wouldn't be where we are now in a lot of circumstances, if people had had some straight talking from the beginning and weren't enabled to continue with this behaviour.

But what did the poster say that was in any was bashing?

Having a situation where you feel you have to remove your three year old from the house in the middle of the night isn't sustainable. The OP knows that. Lots of people have said she's not a shit mum. She's clearly not.
But that doesn't mean to say the situation is ok. That doesn't mean the OP doesn't need to change it.

Empathy and an acknowledgement that things aren't ok aren't mutually exclusive.

Blimey, this escalated fast.
so, as pp’s have said, I had calmed down after speaking to mum. Knowing that she was taking over from me, was a huge relief.
had DC actually been sick and I didn’t have a ‘way of escape’ of course I’d have just had to get on with it. I’d have sat up all night, with towels and bins on hand, like I have before.
in the past, it has happened first thing in the morning, as the day is starting. It’s much less scary(for me, anyway) to deal with this in the day. Being awake with a sick child in the middle of the night, feels like you’re the only person in the world who’s awake and it’s a lonely place to be.
when I had CBT, I’d been on a waiting list for 18 months. I tried so hard to engage with it, but as soon as he started playing YouTube videos of people being sick, I was done. That set me way back and I think that’s where this stated to spiral again. Add into that, it’s winter and the germs are RIFE!
my kids do go to school(youngest has 15 hours a week in nursery) and I take them every day. They’re loved, fed well, and very much cared for. It’s just these ‘blips’ that pop up every so often that litter my life.

Ok so with all that being said are you going to try more help?

OP in your opening post you said - ive started to get full blown panic attacks lately too. Something I’ve not had in quite a while. I hate leaving the house. I don’t want to send the DC to school for fear of them getting sick.

With due respect this isn't a "blip"
Taking your child to your mums at 2am isn't a blip

I watched this. It was so good. It was around the time I was having the CBT sessions and I mentioned it to the therapist. He told me not to take any of my propranolol(the medication they used in the program) while I was having the sessions. So he kind of said the opposite of what the programme was saying.
I’ve thought about trying it myself, and looked online about how to do it, but there wasn’t any clear guidance(only people asking for money to click the links!) on what dosage to take etc

I have actual experience in MH counselling and l’m appalled at some of the so called ‘advice’. You don’t tell someone in the middle of a MH crisis to ‘get a grip’ and you don’t advise them to self help just because it worked for you, despite the fact that you have a totally different condition to the OP.

OP if you’re still here and reading you need to contact your GP and explain what’s happening. Ask if there are any local mental health support services to which you can e referred/self refer. There are more and more of these local partnerships and they’re designed to offer help in acute situations like this. You’re certainly not a bad mother, you’re doing your best under difficult circumstances.

You have insight into your condition and that insight should now be telling you that you can no longer manage the situation alone. You need support and appropriate treatment to try to recover some control, which has clearly been the case in the past. Your GP is the quickest way to access help in the event that privately financed treatment is not an option. Can l also suggest you repost in Mental Health, where the responses may be more experience based and no quite so quick to judgment.

I’d love to. The NHS wait times are long! I waited 18 months to start CBT. I dream of winning the lottery and paying for hypnotherapy!

Why is it backtracking ? It’s a clarification of the situation, and a much needed one considering the way some posters have been piling on based on assumptions. And OP hasn’t said anything here to give the impression that her older two are any younger than she said.

Ok so get yourself on a list asap. Look at the links posted above by a professional who has given you those for free. Good luck. I hope it gets easier for you x

Missing the point entirely.