Worst mum. Nothing I can do

[Gonewiththemoon]

I’ll start by saying IABU but posting here for traffic in the middle of the night.
I have 3 DC and I have emetaphobia. It’s crippling me again the past 6 months. The fight or flight kicked in tonight when DC age 3 woke up with tummy pain. I started cold sweating, heart rate shot up to 125 and I did what I thought was best… text my mum.
she was actually awake and called me. Said I could take DC3 to her house(she’s a 3 minute drive away). So I did.
I bundled my 3 year old into the car, covered in a towel, at 2am.
I can’t carry on like this. But what can I do?
I already take citalopram, I’ve just taken a diazepam. I’ve tried CBT but it was horrific. Exposure therapy that I simply couldn’t handle.
ive started to get full blown panic attacks lately too. Something I’ve not had in quite a while. I hate leaving the house. I don’t want to send the DC to school for fear of them getting sick.
im desperate. I’m not suicidal, but I hate this life. Hate it. I want to be the mum that holds her children when they’re sick(I have done in the recent past, but tonight hit me like a tonne of bricks). I want to take them on days out to fun places that they deserve, not just stay at home incase someone picks up bloody norovirus!

I agree... the 3yo will learn to hide it from Mum when he next feels ill, and try to just endure the nausea without complaining.

I grew up with a single mum with severe health anxiety and I quickly stopped telling her when I had problems, just dealing with them myself as best I could. It's really not ideal.

What I most disagree with is the "Nothing I can do" in the thread title. You can and must do something about this, you're a mum now, others rely on you.

have you tried hypnotherapy?

can you have a spare bin with a lid handy and leave it in the bedroom so if your child is unwell you could try and explain to be unwell in the bin. Out the lid on and leave it until the monring where perhaps you could try moving the bin to the hallway. Then later on down the stairs. Then later on outside etc. break it down into steps . Same goes for if your child is unwell in the daytime have the bin in the living room and then gradually move it

Could you fit a mattress under your bed so if your child is unwell in the night and their bed needs to be cleaned. So you can just whip them out of their bed and into the mattress bed and then deal with their bed in the monring. Deal with it in steps like the bin above

could your try and trick your brain a bit and have everyone take a daily vitamin and and orange juice. So you feel like they are well

this must be so hard for you

Can you not let your DC live with their father for a while why you sort yourself out as it doesn’t sound like a suitable environment for them at the moment.

My dh had this absolutely dreadfully when we first met. To the point he’d be up pacing around thinking he was going to die / be sick if he’d so much as thought he’d been near something slightly undercooked on a night out or been near someone who developed a bug. It was really, really awful and I genuinely thought he would never get over it. Had medication, cbt etc etc. He does have severe depression as well and does find the 40mg citalopram he takes for that helps a bit. But ultimately what’s helped is just having to get on with it - sounds awful but as horrendous as it is just having no option but to plough on through with babies and small children who get sick makes you realise you can live with it and nothing awful will happen. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel terrible but he’s a lot better now than he was - we’ve had 16 years together with this, 2 children (now teens).

I know this is going to sound harsh but your Mum needs to say no, she’s enabling your anxiety by being your knight in shining armour - and I know she loves you and the grandchild and wants to step in but she’s actually confirming your anxiety and enabling you to keep being anxious about it. What would have happened if you’d had to cope alone? I bet you would have found a way, and then the more you do it the easier it becomes.

"cold sweating, heart rate shot up to 125"

I'm wondering if propanalol could be helpful. It's a blood pressure medication that can be used sporadically for the physical symptoms of anxiety (like sweating and racing heart). It's often used in cases of stage fright. Have a chat with your gp.

I can’t get over the fact that when an ill woman posts on the internet for help - AFTER ensuring her children are safe - a fellow parent thinks they should kick her while she’s down. You had the choice to scroll past this thread, but instead chose to add to someone’s anguish. Nice.

OP, just wanted to say I'm quite certain you're not a bad mum! You're juggling three children on your own and live with a debilitating condition. So be kind to yourself.
Try your GP, different meds, a support group if there is one.
Here are some virtual flowers 💐

EMDR will help with the physical symptoms.

your brain is you and under your control,

changing patterns of a life time is very very very hard. But you need to do it so crack on

I’ve been there OP, it’s completely debilitating. You need to go back to your GP. You said therapy didn’t work - ask for someone else. I had bad OCD as a child and every time I’m under pressure it creeps back in (handwashing). The good news is that I’m no longer scared of being ill and I can even cuddle my children when they’re sick. I have had an adhd diagnosis and the medication helps a lot.
Things that have helped me: a bit of self exposure therapy, so cutting down on handwashing where it was what others would consider over the top.
Actually breaking it down and thinking what’s the worst that can happen - I’d get a terrible bug. Whilst no one wants it, we’ve all been there and survived!
Finally, I take precautions to minimise sickness like washing hands before eating, opening windows and using separate towels however, I also remind myself that the body has a powerful immune system and it doesn’t fail us that often. I think we are probably exposed to more than we realise and don’t get sick every day.
big hugs OP it’s a tough place to be x

Huge hugs OP. Could you have a look at some form of cognitive behavioural therapy?

DSD and DD have what you have - although absolutely not as serious as you. DD has a phobia of physically being sick and as a result restricts her eating (very slim child). DSD however is quite extreme - if we’ve seen anyone be sick, or anyone’s sick on the floor, even cartoon vomiting on the TV, social media…. she completely goes into herself and it’s like time stops. To give you an idea, we spent about 3 nights of a 10 night holiday just sat in the room because of very minor incidents of other people vomiting. Insists on travel meds on any longer car journey for just in case too.

You should probably focus on prevention. I taught my child impeccable hygiene — washing hands when they come into the house from outside, washing hands after every toilet visit etc etc — and they’ve never been sick.

Hey mama. I feel you- I dealt with severe emetophobia from age 7-25. It ruined a lot of my early life and I never thought I’d be rid. I’d eventually had enough and did graded exposure therapy. Yes it was tough but I had very low expectations and it completely cured me. I wouldn’t believe it honestly. I’m now an A&E sister dealing with vomiting daily and infectious bugs that could (and sometimes do) cause vomiting! I’m also a mum of 2 young children and the vomiting just has no bother on me now. Please please reconsider the graded exposure therapy, it literally changed my life!

Dont be so hard on yourself.
I was like this with my first child. And had been since I was about 12. Ocd definitely played a big part and anxiety.
Im now late 40s and I did get better at coping.
Small steps helped me. And also not instantly reacting to situations.
Trying to calm down then think rationally and do one small task at a time.
I also used to call my mum to help.

I have emetophobia and passed the fear on to my son now aged 20. He was on a school trip aged 12 and the coach drive was 24hr trip to Italy. People were being ill on the bus and I had to get his NLP coach to call him to help him through. I couldn’t help and as his mum felt awful.

His phobia has slowly become under control. Mine hasn’t and I only manage because I’m not around anyone (school kids) being ill anymore although yesterday the decorator told me his 23yr year old was ill in the night and I literally just walked away mid conversation to get away from him in case he had it!

I was lucky in that my kids weren’t often ill but if I heard a child at school had been ill I’d starve myself so, if it came our way, I wouldn’t be affected. I also avoided anyone in the playground. I’d stand up at the back of school plays so to avoid being near anyone.

So you think, when the Op has already said she's panicking, sweating and has a HR of 125, she's fit to drive??!!

I'm sorry, I think it was downright bloody dangerous.

Yes i could have scrolled past, but, as her own mother did, all these posts saying she did the right thing. Are enabling her.

I still can't believe you think its ok for a 3 year old, who isn't well, to be met with a mother who is panicking, being put in a cold car and driven to a relatives.

If you think thats acceptable then fine.
I dont.

Helpful

See my other responses.

Yup, they're equally unempathetic. Have you been in this situation? Do you have a debilitating phobia? Do you think it's ok to blast a woman who already feels like the worst mum? If you can answer yes to all those questions then cool, maybe you can judge, of not, jog on

I don't think you are a bad mother, however you have two teenagers, you've had lots of time to try different therapies and you haven't sorted it, then had your third, you've been sticking your head in the sand.
I think you stating there's nothing you can do is obviously wrong, but you're relying on people molly coddling you to make yourself feel better about this thing you really do need to sort out but clearly do not want to.
You are putting your reluctance to address this over your 3yr olds best interests, and your mother is facilitating the behaviour, not good.
There is lots of advice on the thread that I think you would benefit from. Good luck.

I do agree with the last part. Although my husband is a great help, he is away with work occasionally, and should my son get ill then, I would HAVE to deal with it. Which is also a cause of anxiety, but nothing I can do about it.
Depending on how some people react though, I have heard of people literally running away from theor child if they're vomiting though, not being able to go near them. mum could be worried that the 3 year old might be in danger staying home?

I'm glad to see some recommendations for thrive though, I've been thinking of doing it for a while now.

Thanks for all your replies.
my oldest is slightly affected by the same phobia, but my middle isn’t. They’re older now and much more capable of getting themselves to the bathroom should it happen to them.
im well prepped with towels and bins(with bags already inside so I can just whip the used one out and then there is already more ready) problem is, the 3yo now associates this with being sick, so pushes the towel/bin away. Think that’s what freaked me out most last night as we still co-sleep. Had visions of my bed being decorated!!
I do agree that my mum should probably say no(she actually offered last night, god bless her). But I am eternally grateful to her.
i have had hypnotherapy several years ago, and it did help slightly. Issue is, im now on UC(GP has given me fit notes) so simply couldn’t afford private therapy now. But hypnotherapy would definitely be my first point of call.