Worst mum. Nothing I can do

[Gonewiththemoon]

I’ll start by saying IABU but posting here for traffic in the middle of the night.
I have 3 DC and I have emetaphobia. It’s crippling me again the past 6 months. The fight or flight kicked in tonight when DC age 3 woke up with tummy pain. I started cold sweating, heart rate shot up to 125 and I did what I thought was best… text my mum.
she was actually awake and called me. Said I could take DC3 to her house(she’s a 3 minute drive away). So I did.
I bundled my 3 year old into the car, covered in a towel, at 2am.
I can’t carry on like this. But what can I do?
I already take citalopram, I’ve just taken a diazepam. I’ve tried CBT but it was horrific. Exposure therapy that I simply couldn’t handle.
ive started to get full blown panic attacks lately too. Something I’ve not had in quite a while. I hate leaving the house. I don’t want to send the DC to school for fear of them getting sick.
im desperate. I’m not suicidal, but I hate this life. Hate it. I want to be the mum that holds her children when they’re sick(I have done in the recent past, but tonight hit me like a tonne of bricks). I want to take them on days out to fun places that they deserve, not just stay at home incase someone picks up bloody norovirus!

She didn’t drag him out in the middle of the night so she didn’t have to deal with him, she took him to her mum’s because she couldn’t deal with him and knew her mum would look after him - even during the onset of her own MH problems she put her childs’ welfare first. I’d say that was responsible parenting.

I think she does too - that's why she thinks she's a bad mum.

(i don't think you're a bad mum at all OP. I think you did the right thing at the time knowing how you'd affected if you hadn't)

I have emetophobia and honestly, the only think that helps me is actually throwing up, because I realise it’s not as bad as my brain thinks it is. I try to remind myself it’s basically a large burp. It’s actually feeling sick that I hate more.

Its a really awful phobia to have though, I don’t think people realise quite how disabling it can be.

She got them to a place of safety where she would have back-up and they would both be cared for, via a 3-minute journey...

You've reported this and not the one that tells her to put her child in care?

She said herself she was panicking, sweating and had a HR of 125.........hardly great conditions to be driving at 2 am.

This is a 3 year old child.

With a heart rate of 125 and so panicked she couldn't think straight? She shouldn't be driving in that condition.

Yes: OP’s mother is a five star super-mother to have agreed to that in the middle of the night.

So you think, dragging a 3 year old out at 2 am, putting them in a car with someone who is panicking, sweating and a HR of 125 is responsible?

Clearly I am in the minority here.

And you absolutely cannot tell someone with what is clearly a significant and long term MH problem to ‘get a grip’ and take control of her own situation. The poster has OCD, which is entirely different to OP’s experience. It’s terrible advice.

But she does need to take control. That will mean getting professional help, clearly. She needs to get a grip and start that process. Even if she's tried stuff before. She needs to try again.

They were in a place of safety already- or at least, they should have been.

The OP is not "the worst mother" but let's not pretend this was great parenting. Knowing you can't be ill as a child or your mother will freak out is no fun at all, believe me.

Hope your son is feeling better soon Op.

It does sound really debilitating.

It's obviously pretty unnerving for your 3yr old as well being bundled out of the house because his tummy hurt.

I hope you manage to get some help Op.

Their home home wasn't a safe place for them to be?

Think about that.

OP says she had signs of panic before she contacted her mum. Her mum rang her and offered the help she needed. Why would you assume she was still panicking when she made the three minute car journey ? And yes. Given the situation and that OP has insight into her issues, l think she did her best to put her son first.

HRTFT but you are not a terrible mum. You have a phobia. Mine is different, but II've done worse. DC are now adults.
I took DD to a local beautyspot for a walk. There was no road nearby, but there was a lake. I can't even say it (it's a type of vermin) and just typing this makes my fear escalate.
I spotted one and set off running, abandoned DD (she was around 5/6) and didn't stop for a few hundred metres. Fortunately I had a friend walking with us. It wouldn't have made a difference if we were alone. We've never been back since.
Anyone who has never suffered with a phobia has no idea. There is no choice being made. I adore my DC.

I think you dismissed some of this advice unfairly Op

It's well known that phobias - even very severe ones - can be cured.

Exposure therapy is what works - confronting and facing not avoiding.

Of course in the moment you can't suddenly fix it!

But children get sick - and if it's making you want to avoid germs/bugs - then you are allowing the fear to control and ruin your life and theirs.

I am not judging you at all for being at this point it's not your fault

But yoiu need to get urgent help - pay for it if needed I imagine the NHS is not going to help you urgently

Wow. Are you always so judgemental ?

So you dont think she was worrying at all about him puking in her car on the way over? Come on.

@Eyesopenwideawake might be able to help you.

But the child was already in a place of safety, not being rescued from a burning building. The OP needs to find a way of managing her phobia. No one is pretending it’s easy (I have an emetophobic friend who decided not to have children in part because she felt her severe phobia was incompatible with parenthood), but she cannot allow her children’s lives to be materially damaged by it, which they will, if they aren’t already, as indicated by her not wanting to leave the house, let them go to school or ever take them anywhere, for fear of catching a vomiting bug.

How do you know she was still in that state when she got behind the wheel. She may have calmed down considerably when her mum offered help. And th drive was three minutes.

That too. I’ve asked MN to look at the whole thread because there are some dreadful comments and l can’t imagine it’s helping OP in the way she imagined when she posted.

You're not the worst mum. You dealt with it well - you recognised a problem and found a solution.

AND even though you have the phobia, you're prepared to deal with it anyway. You have the lined buckets and the towels.

I don't have a phobia, but I DO hate sick. Can't deal with it very well - it makes me cry... When my son was that age, I kept old towels or clothes for him to vomit into, and just binned them. Anything threadbare became a vomit catcher, as he wasn't reliable enough at aiming into a bucket or bowl. I was also a single parent at that time so no one to help with clean up. Would that work for your youngest, or do they associate towels with being poorly, too?

It's the unpredictability of it I don't like, so bizarrely I'm better with tummy bugs as there's some warning, it's kinda predictable and you get into the swing of it. I still do NOT like being around drunk people, because they can do random spews.

The OP obviously didn't think it was safe .

Someone else said the OP was taking them to a place of safety, I am merely asking why the childs own home isn't safe for them.