Worst mum. Nothing I can do

[Gonewiththemoon]

I’ll start by saying IABU but posting here for traffic in the middle of the night.
I have 3 DC and I have emetaphobia. It’s crippling me again the past 6 months. The fight or flight kicked in tonight when DC age 3 woke up with tummy pain. I started cold sweating, heart rate shot up to 125 and I did what I thought was best… text my mum.
she was actually awake and called me. Said I could take DC3 to her house(she’s a 3 minute drive away). So I did.
I bundled my 3 year old into the car, covered in a towel, at 2am.
I can’t carry on like this. But what can I do?
I already take citalopram, I’ve just taken a diazepam. I’ve tried CBT but it was horrific. Exposure therapy that I simply couldn’t handle.
ive started to get full blown panic attacks lately too. Something I’ve not had in quite a while. I hate leaving the house. I don’t want to send the DC to school for fear of them getting sick.
im desperate. I’m not suicidal, but I hate this life. Hate it. I want to be the mum that holds her children when they’re sick(I have done in the recent past, but tonight hit me like a tonne of bricks). I want to take them on days out to fun places that they deserve, not just stay at home incase someone picks up bloody norovirus!

Is dad involved at all?
Could he have parental responsibility?

Kindly, you are not capable of looking after your kids and you have tried your best but nothing is working.

Its time to look into stepping away from being the main carer, even if that means them going into the care system.
You can still maintain a good relationship with them but they will just be in a much more healthy environment.

I think it was unfair of you to choose to have kids, let alone 3 of them but I do think it’s really good that you recognise you have a problem and that it’s affecting them.
It shows that you are a good person.
Many negligent parents wouldn’t recognise or care about the damage they’re doing.

Well done you for wanting better for your kids.

waves emetophobe here. I’m really struck by the poster upthread saying that a phobia is a ‘story untold’ because my emetophobia is mostly under control by having lived through some sickness bugs and lived to tell the tale. I do have some rituals to help - so when sickness strikes I pop to the supermarket to arm myself with a trolley full of cleaning supplies and plain white carbs. I use a lot of towels and blankets to cover things like sofas and carpets. And if I come into contact with vom I have a full shower even if it’s 3am. Through this I’ve mostly not caught it, though on more than one occasion I’ve had noro and suppressed vomming (confirmed by GP). I also did two pregnancies without a single vom despite feeling sick as a dog.

I don’t know what the answer is for you, but I’m telling you it can be done.

No I don't have a phobia.

I am not blasting her, believe me, i want to say more.

I actually think diving in such a panicked state is dangerous.

Wtf?

Growing up in a household like this is awful. Please don’t do this.

Good hygiene is one thing but you cannot wash away mental health issues.

Many viruses are air borne and you cannot help catching them.

No amount of hand washing will completely prevent someone from getting ill.
Thinking it will goes from normal, healthy hygiene practices to unhealthy, obsessive habits.

This is what I came on to say, not all therapy works for everyone. There's different types like EMDR which may work better for you

Not sure if they offer it but I recently had free therapy from the parenting project.. may be worth reaching out & seeing if they operate in your area and might be able to help. They help parents (mine was counselling but I'm not sure all the services they offer). I had to go through iapts and get sent a list of different self referral websites for free therapy

Err, no. It doesn't work like this.

OP, go to your GP and ask for professional help. Sounds like your exposure therapy was too fast moving last time.

Have you tried EMDR? There’s a reason lots of people suggest it. It can be life changing.

I've had EMDr therapy and one of the techniques that really helped me was, similar to PP, using stories.

The emotions can be really big, and no amount of rationalising can stop when you know something could happen. So I think it's tapping into the non rational brain.

When I got stuck on parts of memories, we'd imagine an alternative ending. What did I need in that moment. What would I like to happen instead. This helped with closure on stuck bits. Sometimes I didn't know but I stayed with the feeling for longer - in one situation it was so all encompassing that I turned the feeling into a judo opponent (I used to do judo) that I was wrestling with - so basically think what I did was make the fear 'outside myself' which was really helpful - I didn't have to eradicate it, but it became something else - at the end of the day some fear is useful, a bit of fear and anxiety, because it keeps us mindful and alert. But doesn't control us. I also had 3 figures - a wise figure, a protective figure, a nurturing figure, to call on when overwhelmed. Useful as they sort of embody solutions.

Other things I came up with was writing a list of pros and cons.

You cant be dragging your 3 year old out at that time especially when poorly, I sympathise with you entirely nobody likes sick. I panic when mine are sick but you cant be doing that to your child its not fair op.

At a very basic level, have you tried any alternative medications? I found sertraline better for the anxiety-OCD-panic side of things. I have a close relative who recently started taking it for very bad health anxiety after years of trying to manage it and he's only a few weeks in but it's made a big difference.

It won't cure your phobia but it may help manage some of the worst symptoms.

She probably won't be able to either when her health improves and she can be rational. I was convinced in the grip of anxiety and OCD that a baby that couldn't even roll over yet was somehow potentially going to get out of her travel cot, get across the room, get up on a window ledge, and fall out of a closed and locked window. It seems absolutely ludicrous that I believed that at any point, but I did. I couldn't get away from fears about windows. Hypervigilance is exhausting and drains any ability to be rational.

I don't think washing hands after getting home and after the toilet is obsessive?

I’m not going to sugar coat it - dragging an unwell 3 year old out at 3 in the morning so you don’t have to deal with them is not brilliant parenting, but you already know that.

What is it that you think will happen exactly that is so terrifying about it? Nobody enjoys dealing with sick, or being sick, but it’s very short term. What is it that you think will happen that is so dreadful you can’t possibly deal with it? If you’ve been like this since you were a child there must be a trigger for it? I think it’s worth trying some other ones of therapy to see if you can unpick it.

This. I do wish that people who didn't understand the debilitating effects of some things, especially mental health, would just scroll past. Its 2025 and we all know by know that 'pull your socks up' is outdated and damaging advice to someone in the midst of a mental health crisis.

You are a great mum - you did what you needed to do and got help for your child and for you.
I think many of these issues go back to one’s own childhood experiences (being sick 13 times in a night) and having something in my eye and going to hospital. I’m better with vomit now, but anything to do with eyes still freaks me out.
Have you thought about hypnotherapy - would help you deal with this more gently than exposure or CBT.

I don't think that taking sick child to their nans is the end of the world, lots of parents might have to do that if they had to go to work. 2am isn't exactly ideal obviously but it's not happening every day.

What I do think is a huge problem though is that you are starting to shut down your - and as a result their - lives. Not taking them out anywhere, not even wanting them to go to school. not wanting to leave the house. That is obviously not ok OP so you have to keep fighting this and keep fighting for professional help or you are going to end up agoraphobic too and that really will have a huge negative impact on your children.

When the exposure therapy moved too quickly for you were you clear about that? Did you tell them it was moving too fast for you and you needed it to slow down?

I have this phobia too. I have spent a fortune in therapy and had therapy through the NHS. The only thing that has made a difference is excepting the phobia. I can’t cure it but I can put strategies in place to reduce my anxiety around it. It’s still there and if I hear someone’s been sick I freak out. My DC’s are now older and sickness happens much less often, my eldest dd also has the phobia (which I feel guilty for).

I feel guilt for not being there when my kids are sick, I would never allow them in my bed and I would keep my distance as much as possible. My lovely mum and my best friend have had to help before, because I am hyperventilating.

I still freak out, but I no longer avoid situations and I don’t think about it every day. Being anxious all the time won’t stop it from happening. Kids get sick, it’s horrible but it passes and all we can do is try our best not to catch it (which is my main fear. It does get easier as they get older.

And I can’t believe some of the horrible replies on here - people need support not condemnation for struggling.

Possibly one of the worst pieces of advice I’ve seen on MN. And reported.

Are you serious? Reported, for what?!

The PP is right. OP has to get a handle on this. It is clearly terrifying for her but this isn't a sustainable situation. You can't just say 'i can't change it'. You have to. You have to do everything, try everything, because this isn't fair on her children or the OP.

If the OP is old enough to have teenage children then she's old enough to seek help for her own mh.