Worst mum. Nothing I can do

[Gonewiththemoon]

I’ll start by saying IABU but posting here for traffic in the middle of the night.
I have 3 DC and I have emetaphobia. It’s crippling me again the past 6 months. The fight or flight kicked in tonight when DC age 3 woke up with tummy pain. I started cold sweating, heart rate shot up to 125 and I did what I thought was best… text my mum.
she was actually awake and called me. Said I could take DC3 to her house(she’s a 3 minute drive away). So I did.
I bundled my 3 year old into the car, covered in a towel, at 2am.
I can’t carry on like this. But what can I do?
I already take citalopram, I’ve just taken a diazepam. I’ve tried CBT but it was horrific. Exposure therapy that I simply couldn’t handle.
ive started to get full blown panic attacks lately too. Something I’ve not had in quite a while. I hate leaving the house. I don’t want to send the DC to school for fear of them getting sick.
im desperate. I’m not suicidal, but I hate this life. Hate it. I want to be the mum that holds her children when they’re sick(I have done in the recent past, but tonight hit me like a tonne of bricks). I want to take them on days out to fun places that they deserve, not just stay at home incase someone picks up bloody norovirus!

You can beat this. It doesn’t matter that you’ve had it since childhood you can still rewire your brain. You have to do the work though. Cbt may be really hard but the results will be a calmer happier worry free life. I didn’t have emetephobia exactly as in I was never scared of being around people who were unwell or who had vomited but I was terrified of feeling sick, I’d always be really careful how much I ate. I stopped drinking alcohol in case it made me feel sick. It was the anxiety that mostly made me feel ill. My worry actually stopped when I was sick after a holiday earlier this year. It was unpleasant but nowhere near as terrifying as I’d been building up in my head (I hasn’t vomited in years). I had cbt and she told me of a technique of breaking it down so she said ‘tell me your fear’ I said feeling and being sick. She said ok you are sick then what happens, I said well I don’t feel well, she said ‘ok then what?’ I said I just don’t to feel sick. She just kept getting me to repeat what would happen and honestly it helped so much as honestly nothing much happens. You feel rough, you vomit, then you get over the illlness. The anxiety symptoms are taking over and producing all those horrendous fight or flight feelings, the anxiety is a far worse feeling than if you were to actually vomit.

It’s all I’ve ever known. So ‘thinking myself out of it’ simply isn’t a thing. It’s engrained into my brain

Our brains are incredibly flexible. They change and grow. You absolutely can change this - its not easy, but you can. Its like when you see stroke victims ir children with cerebral palsy undergo therapy to relearn physical skills, except this is cognitive.

The first step is to start believing and accepting your brain is neuroplastic, its connections can be "rewired". This is not an easy answer, it would be a lot of work, but your brain is a fabulous thing and you are capable.

Your not the worst mum at all. I don't have emetephobia but I have crippling health anxiety. The slightest runny nose or cough with my kids can bring on panic attacks for me.

You did what you thought was best. I really do empathise.

If you can do some googling, Anna Mathur is a psychologist specialising in maternal mental health and she had emetephobia herself which she's written about. I think she also has a course on it in her website thar might be a good place to start.

Easy for you to say. I take it you don’t suffer from emetaphobia?

This is probably unhelpful but I’m a single mum of three with emetophobia too. And because I have no support network, what weirdly helped me manage it was when one of my kids was actually sick (then they all got it) and I had to manage because they were tiny and I was completely alone (during lockdown)

Yes, I was panicking, had several panic attacks and didn’t sleep for days BUT it did help me to realise that I could and did manage it. The thought of sickness still panics me and I spend winter in a state if anxiety and we avoid soft plays etc… but I have found knowing I could just about manage sick helped.

Plus, I am always prepared now during winter months. Sick bowls in bedrooms etc…

I really feel for you, my teen has emetephobia. I recommend the thrive programme if you’ve not already tried it. We paid for my child to have a coach along side it. I’ll link it below. This was recommended to us by a nurse.

https://www.thriveprogramme.org/cure-your-emetophobia-and-thrive/

I don’t know if you have TikTok but if you do look up ‘the speakmans’

But kids get sick? That isn’t news to anyone. Having 3 of them is a choice.

Yes of course they do and she knows that. But it doesn’t change the way she panics.

Right. Now you've got to this point you need to use this guilt and put it to good use.

You seem to just have accepted the fact that this is just you now and there is no way you can get over it, but you absolutely can.

Yes of course the fear will always be in there...but it doesn't need to overwhelm you.

You need to take the advice of the previous posters... Not just think "oh I tried x y z and couldn't cope" YOU are going to have to put EVERYTHING in to getting over this...and you absolutely CAN!! Your mind is telling you you can't, but it's possible.

Your kid needs you when they're ill.. they are going to get ill. It's just part of having a kid and if you could not cope with that, you should have factored this in to your decision to have children (I have a friend who has chosen not to have children due to this).

Use this experience as ammunition to fuel your attempts to squash this once and for all. It'll be hard, but it's for your kids. You can throw yourself in front of a lorry for your kid so you can do this!!!

No more "I can't"... Just DO!

Your mum looked after your kid for a short period of time where you were unable to. This happens everyday world wide. Absolutely no big deal. You made sure your child was being looked after by the most capable and caring person you could think of. You’re a great mum with a great mum.

Some of these posts have some great ideas for you to explore to help you.

Stop beating yourself up about it xxx

Emetophobia is not something you are born with, it's something you learn, and anything you learn you can unlearn. At some stage in your life you developed a belief – either because you were told or you observed the reaction of those around you – that this was the worst thing in the world and had to be avoided at all costs. You know, logically, that this is not try but your emotional/subconscious mind overrides your rationality; and your physical reaction when it happens, fear and disgust, reinforces your belief.

It IS possible to get over this – I and lots of other hypnotherapists work with this phobia on a regular basis.

I think you need to try and re-frame how you view vomit(ing). The alimentary canal from mouth to anus is merely a long tube along which solids and liquids move. Just a plumbed-in pipe. The liquids and solids need to escape … either through the opening at the anus, or the opening at the mouth. It is mere physics. Easier said, than done, but we can control what images and thoughts are in our brain - rather than holding onto those that are unhelpful. It takes time and persistence, but it can be done. Wish you well.

Ah lovely OP. You sorted the immediate situation and everyone is safe, warm and looked after.

Phobias are so random and tough, I had CBT for mine and I still have it but it doesn’t rule my life as it did previously. Hopefully there are some other therapies out there which can help you - I can see why the exposure therapy for yours would be awful.

Agree OP- EMDR is worth a try.

It worked for me and is incredibly healing.

Everyone has their own problems that sometimes impact on our children. I get really anxious and overstimulated and have to tell my children to leave me alone sometimes, even (especially) when they're being frantic for my attention. It doesn't make you a bad mum, as you're aware of it and making sure, as far as possible, that your baby doesn't suffer because of your issue. I don't know what to suggest about your phobia because I don't have experience with it but the first few steps should really be to stop beating yourself up about it, accept it as part of you and see if you can use it as an opportunity to teach empathy and coping mechanisms to your babies.

I don’t think it’s ‘unhelpful’ to point out that this was far from ideal, and that the OP needs to think of it as a wake up call — she can’t rely on her mother indefinitely, and she says herself that her emetophobia is getting worse, to the point that she hates leaving the house, doesn’t want to send her children to school in case they pick up a bug, and doesn’t take them to fun places. It’s impacting their lives negatively.

It doesn't come across as dismissive to me. It really can be done - I've done it. It's changed my life after decades of suffering. You really can retrain your brain. It's hard but can be done.

You are not the worst mum at all!
I completely understand that you think that this way of thinking is engrained in your life forever now as you have had these thoughts since childhood but, kindly, I think @Cakeandcoffee93 is right.
i have had terrible anxiety for a very long time and actually thought I would never get over it but I used The Thive Programme and I feel like it’s literally given me my life back.
You do it over about 6 weeks (and then carry it on by yourself) and teaches you about how your mind works and gives you practical strategies to manage thoughts, emotions, and beliefs.
You can overcome this and you clearly have the motivation to do the best for your family. All the very best for whatever you choose to do x

You got a small child who wasn't feeling well out of their own bed and home and packed thrm off somewhere else in the middle of the night? Thats not great for you or them obviously is it?
By saying 'Nothing I can do' it sounds like youve accepted the problem and given up. Why would you accept this as a way of being? It sounds shit for you and its definitely shit for your kid.
I think you need to tell yourself you can change this and its going to be hard but you can do it. Then keep doing the hard work, engaging with different types of therapy until you find one that works for you
The brain is an absolutely remarkable thing and you can absolutely do this if youre determined. Dont give up and accept it.

Then why did you have children if you weren’t mentally able to care for them??

No I dont suffer from emetaphobia.
I still can't get over a 3 year old waking up, not feeling well and being dragged out of a nice warm bed, into a car, being driven to grandma's.

You need to use this guilt to put it into getting better. It must have got worse otherwise I can't see how you did three pregnancies.

@Trendyname Are you OCD free now?

What a stupid thing to ask. Of course they are not OCD free, they will always have it, HOWEVER, they have managed to control the OCD symptoms so it no longer controls them.

It’s the same with phobia’s, it’s not necessarily about getting rid of the phobia, you may always have it but it’s about you managing it and not letting it control you. You can actually get rid of a phobia though, unlike OCD that you can never get rid of, but often you don’t even need to actually get rid of the phobia to manage it.

Amazing reviews of this sofa session by a psychotherapist who also suffered from it - www.annamathur.com/the-toolkit/sofa-sessions/emetophobia-sofa-session/

Unhelpful or not, its true.

A 3yr old being dragged out of a house, chucked in a car, then being driven to his grandparents at 2 am.

I think thats bloody awful.