I lied to ds about his pip. Because he was violent.

[Pipanger]

In a nut shell. Ds has some mental health issues. He was very aggressive and violent to me. It was awful and went on for sometime. Eventually ds went into supported accommodation. But he was still at my house alot more so than the accommodation he would spend most of his days amd nights in my house. Eating food, doing washing . Using the gas/electric.

Because of his aggression and violence. I couldn't explain to him that he needed to pay his way. So I lied to him about his pip. I told him that he was getting middle rate when he was actually getting heigh rate. I did this so I could take just under 300 for monthly house keeping

Things have changed now hes not really stayed at my house for the past 3 months. So I can't justify taking that money anymore. I have been saving it for him for the past 3 months.

The problem is that I lied but I done it out of safety and the fact I couldn't afford to pay for the stuff he was using.

But now hes not here he needs the full amount the problem is it don't want it to cause a massive fall out. I cant even just tell him theres been a change in his rate here's the money. Because hes claiming for a free bus pass and needs the proof of pip. So hes going to know when it all started. I cant just say you had to pay your way because he doesn't think he should and doesn't really know the cost of running things.

Hes also extremely bad with money his money is gone within 2-3 days of payment. Then he borrows money of everyone he knows. And the extra money he gets wont change that as he will do the same thing. Im an ideal world I would like to keep saving it for him

But this is the son who OP has been happy to stay in her house with her grandchild there while she's been away. So he can't be that violent can he?

It's all very when it's convenient for OP isn't it?

Then you tell him in an environment that minimises risk of violence -
a public place ?
video call ?

if he makes u feel at risk you call the police

mental health difficulties are no excuse for violence and aggression -
go down the proper channels - police - every time -

that should help him get the message that you are not his punchbag and his behavior cannot be tolerated at any cost !!

Then you tell him in an environment that minimises risk of violence -
a public place ?
video call ?

if he makes u feel at risk you call the police

mental health difficulties are no excuse for violence and aggression -
go down the proper channels - police - every time -

that should help him get the message that you are not his punchbag and his behavior cannot be tolerated at any cost !!

Sorry, had to laugh at that last line. Haven’t you been hiding this from your son for two years, and still trying to hide it?

So that’s from another thread.

At a guess, OP knows the triggers. Some people are absolutely fine as long as they are in charge. My mum is great with small children. She only gets nasty as they get older. She can’t bear her authority to be challenged.

OP’s violence may only be aimed at his mum. Sadly that happens. That sense of separateness from the parent doesn’t kick in, and emotionally it’s ok to lash out at Mum because she’s ‘part of me’. The same reason a Mum is nasty to her dc but not to randoms.

Wasn’t he a minor at the start of all this with the PIP? And as the parent of said minor, isn’t it your responsibility to make sure he has food and clean clothing and a place to live, i.e., live in your house for free, like minor children do?

Goodness me. Well at least OP knows next time she comes upw another ridiculous thread there will be people queuing up again.

I can guarantee no one would say it would be fine to stay with a violent partner as long as he gave you money for putting yourself at risk. If you’re son was with you for so many hours a week, you were still at risk for violence, but somehow taking his money justifies that?

I think it right to base responses on the information given by the OP. If she’s accurate, she’ll get accurate advice.

If on the other hand she’s been behaving badly for years as you say, then the responses she gets won’t be relevant and helpful and that’s her problem.

If you know more from previous posts and believe her a liar, why are you bothering with the thread? Just ignore her. I can’t see what’s in it for you, to accuse OP of stuff based on previous information. It won’t help her son. It’s not like you are achieving anything, like reporting it to the proper authorities. It comes across as spiteful and nasty to attack the OP on the basis of information other posters don’t have. I probably wouldn’t even have posted again, if I hadn’t seen people accusing OP of bad behaviour that wasn’t fair given the information in the thread.

Ok love x

Well yeah, actually. Apart from the violence bit. They’re teenagers they do all of that stuff. They’re also my responsibility while they are minors so I don’t expect a contribution towards the things a parent has to provide as they are adults and the kids are kids

fwiw one of them does get PIP. I wouldn’t dream of using it on anything other than supporting them to live as “normal” a life as possible. Still, household bills are on me.

Apart from the violence bit

Thats the biggest part of it. Had there been no violence then I could have spoken to him about things. Thats the biggest thing it cant just be dismissed .

Also if you can afford not to take money for housing keeping /things used then thats good. I can't.

Why is he so violent?

I might be violent too if someone had been repurposing money intended for supporting me with my disabilities to pay for household bills

look, from what you share on here you live fairly well, I mean in terms of material things, not withstanding the challenges of children with additional needs and there is nothing wrong with that at all. Unless it’s as a result of skimming money off your son’s PIP. which you have been doing. That’s not ok.

So you think my ds started being violent towards me because I took some of his pip for house keeping. You dont think the violence was going on for a long time? You don't think the reason i lied in the first place was due to my safety and the fact I couldn't afford to have him use everything in the house for free

@Pipanger i would recommend looking up Dosh and maybe contacting them for advice as it sounds like you’re in a very tough position. Your son most likely needs support managing his finances but maybe you’re no longer the best person to do this given the anger issues - https://www.dosh.org

No but you've afforded all sorts of other things like sofas, decorating stuff, holidays so not exactly on the poverty line.

Don't forget the massive pool!

@Sasssquatch

"I might be violent too if someone had been repurposing money intended for supporting me with my disabilities to pay for household bills"

My son is a schizophrenic and often used to threaten me with violence. When he was 18 he stabbed me and knocked my teeth out. He was way bigger than me and I was completely defenceless. It's very easy to be flippant and lack insight if your life has never remotely come close to such fear and despair.

The sofas are on credit. I have had 1 holiday in the whole of my adult life. Yes I have had decorating stuff. So what im allowed to. I dont drink , I dont drive . I dont smoke . Im allowed you decorate.

I do actually regret the holiday though .

That was bought 3 years ago me and ex went half's. And its given alot of joy

Im so sorry sorry that happend to you. Im trying to think of words but I cant . Im sorry 💐.

I hope things have changed for you and your safe . Abd I hope your ds has thr help he's needed

I have live with a violent child, too. He was still smaller than me so while unpleasant it was manageable.

Tiptoeing around triggers was exhausting. And the other children get wary, too.

My son is 6ft 4. Much stronger than me . It was awful for the other kids as well. Extremely egg shells here to.

I hope your OK its so hard . Thete definitely needs to be more awareness and understanding.

He gets money, as an appointee she has access to it and took it without his knowledge to pay for what she sees fit. She hasn’t told him about it just done it so that’s theft. If she had discussed it with him then that’s different