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Original poster

I lied to ds about his pip. Because he was violent.

296 replies

Pipanger · 25/07/2025 17:00

In a nut shell. Ds has some mental health issues. He was very aggressive and violent to me. It was awful and went on for sometime. Eventually ds went into supported accommodation. But he was still at my house alot more so than the accommodation he would spend most of his days amd nights in my house. Eating food, doing washing . Using the gas/electric.

Because of his aggression and violence. I couldn't explain to him that he needed to pay his way. So I lied to him about his pip. I told him that he was getting middle rate when he was actually getting heigh rate. I did this so I could take just under 300 for monthly house keeping

Things have changed now hes not really stayed at my house for the past 3 months. So I can't justify taking that money anymore. I have been saving it for him for the past 3 months.

The problem is that I lied but I done it out of safety and the fact I couldn't afford to pay for the stuff he was using.

But now hes not here he needs the full amount the problem is it don't want it to cause a massive fall out. I cant even just tell him theres been a change in his rate here's the money. Because hes claiming for a free bus pass and needs the proof of pip. So hes going to know when it all started. I cant just say you had to pay your way because he doesn't think he should and doesn't really know the cost of running things.

Hes also extremely bad with money his money is gone within 2-3 days of payment. Then he borrows money of everyone he knows. And the extra money he gets wont change that as he will do the same thing. Im an ideal world I would like to keep saving it for him

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 27/07/2025 14:54

myplace · 27/07/2025 10:21

@Coconutter24 OP built up the saves money only in the last three months WHEN HE HASN'T BEEN COMING ROUND and driving up her bills.

That’s what she can’t be bothered to explain again to you.

You may have reason to criticise OP for previous threads- it sounds as though you are familiar with other situations you don’t approve of- but in this case while it may have been better to find a way of letting him know about the money, it’s reasonable to avoid aggression.

Otherwise the only way to avoid it would be to transfer all the money across and refuse to let him in the house anymore. No transition, you’re on your own whether you can abide the place you are staying or not.

So why take the money for the 3 months that she didn’t need it for house keeping?

Enrichetta · 27/07/2025 14:56

Coconutter24 · 27/07/2025 14:47

He gets money, as an appointee she has access to it and took it without his knowledge to pay for what she sees fit. She hasn’t told him about it just done it so that’s theft. If she had discussed it with him then that’s different

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And the violence? What do you think might have happened if she had told him…

Fluffywhitecat · 27/07/2025 15:14

Pipanger · 27/07/2025 13:06

That was bought 3 years ago me and ex went half's. And its given alot of joy

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Also costs a lot of money to keep filled/heated/chemicals etc.

Original poster
Pipanger · 27/07/2025 15:29

Fluffywhitecat · 27/07/2025 15:14

Also costs a lot of money to keep filled/heated/chemicals etc.

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No its not. I have had chemicals for 3 years. I don't heat it

OP posts:
Original poster
Pipanger · 27/07/2025 15:30

Enrichetta · 27/07/2025 14:56

And the violence? What do you think might have happened if she had told him…

Show quote history

That doesn't matter apparently

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 27/07/2025 15:38

Enrichetta · 27/07/2025 14:56

And the violence? What do you think might have happened if she had told him…

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So that justifies stealing…. Because we’re scared of the consequences?

Enrichetta · 27/07/2025 15:46

Coconutter24 · 27/07/2025 15:38

So that justifies stealing…. Because we’re scared of the consequences?

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You are just being ridiculous. Nothing in OP’s posts suggests that she has spent money meant for him on herself. Her only possible ‘crime’ is not keeping detailed records. Why are you hounding a mother who has brought up a disabled child who is now threatening her with violence?

myplace · 27/07/2025 15:49

Coconutter24 · 27/07/2025 14:54

So why take the money for the 3 months that she didn’t need it for house keeping?

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Because you don’t know whether the new situation is working yet. You don’t know whether he’s going to stay or go.
It’s only with hindsight that you know yes, he’s definitely moved out. He’s stopped coming over.

To be honest some of you have clearly disagreed with OP about her choices in the past, so are bringing that knowledge with you to this situation. All I’m saying is that on the basis of this thread, it wasn’t unreasonable to take money towards his keep while he was staying there, and not unreasonable to change the arrangement after you could see the new accommodation was working rather than before.

Fluffywhitecat · 27/07/2025 16:08

myplace · 27/07/2025 15:49

Because you don’t know whether the new situation is working yet. You don’t know whether he’s going to stay or go.
It’s only with hindsight that you know yes, he’s definitely moved out. He’s stopped coming over.

To be honest some of you have clearly disagreed with OP about her choices in the past, so are bringing that knowledge with you to this situation. All I’m saying is that on the basis of this thread, it wasn’t unreasonable to take money towards his keep while he was staying there, and not unreasonable to change the arrangement after you could see the new accommodation was working rather than before.

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She should have made him aware. You can't just pocket someone else's money and lie about it and try cover your tracks with more lies. That's wrong, very wrong.

Coconutter24 · 27/07/2025 16:12

Enrichetta · 27/07/2025 15:46

You are just being ridiculous. Nothing in OP’s posts suggests that she has spent money meant for him on herself. Her only possible ‘crime’ is not keeping detailed records. Why are you hounding a mother who has brought up a disabled child who is now threatening her with violence?

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Who’s hounding a mother? I asked like 2 questions! I haven’t said she has spent the money on herself but what is the difference between
a) using someone’s money to put towards your bills and not telling them you’ve took it
b) taking someone’s money to buy something for yourself and not telling them?

They both equal taking someone else’s money without their knowledge or permission whatever the reason

Coconutter24 · 27/07/2025 16:17

myplace · 27/07/2025 15:49

Because you don’t know whether the new situation is working yet. You don’t know whether he’s going to stay or go.
It’s only with hindsight that you know yes, he’s definitely moved out. He’s stopped coming over.

To be honest some of you have clearly disagreed with OP about her choices in the past, so are bringing that knowledge with you to this situation. All I’m saying is that on the basis of this thread, it wasn’t unreasonable to take money towards his keep while he was staying there, and not unreasonable to change the arrangement after you could see the new accommodation was working rather than before.

Show quote history

I actually have no knowledge of OP and her past so no I’m not judging on that, I’m judging on what is wrote in this thread today.
The point is when she first started taking money from him she should have mentioned this to him instead she has taken it without his knowledge or permission and regardless of what the situation is that is theft.

Original poster
Pipanger · 27/07/2025 16:23

Fluffywhitecat · 27/07/2025 16:08

She should have made him aware. You can't just pocket someone else's money and lie about it and try cover your tracks with more lies. That's wrong, very wrong.

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Why are you ignoring the fact hes been violent towards me ?

Why are you ignoring the fact I could not afford for him to stay here for free.

Why are you ignoring that I have said several times his money is sitting there saved for him.

Why are you saying such stupid things like oh you need chemicals for the pool that cost money.

Is it because it gives you a kick. Your enjoying it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pipanger · 27/07/2025 16:24

Coconutter24 · 27/07/2025 16:17

I actually have no knowledge of OP and her past so no I’m not judging on that, I’m judging on what is wrote in this thread today.
The point is when she first started taking money from him she should have mentioned this to him instead she has taken it without his knowledge or permission and regardless of what the situation is that is theft.

Show quote history

Posted twice by accident

OP posts:
Original poster
Pipanger · 27/07/2025 16:29

Coconutter24 · 27/07/2025 16:17

I actually have no knowledge of OP and her past so no I’m not judging on that, I’m judging on what is wrote in this thread today.
The point is when she first started taking money from him she should have mentioned this to him instead she has taken it without his knowledge or permission and regardless of what the situation is that is theft.

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So do you honestly think i should have put myself at risk . ?

OP posts:
Fluffywhitecat · 27/07/2025 16:38

Pipanger · 27/07/2025 16:23

Why are you ignoring the fact hes been violent towards me ?

Why are you ignoring the fact I could not afford for him to stay here for free.

Why are you ignoring that I have said several times his money is sitting there saved for him.

Why are you saying such stupid things like oh you need chemicals for the pool that cost money.

Is it because it gives you a kick. Your enjoying it?

Show quote history

Why are you ignoring the fact that you have been dishonest with him and have created problems that you didn't need to.
Has he really had no social worker or involvement with authorities with him been moved to supported housing that could have discussed this with him if you were so scared?

fairgame84 · 27/07/2025 16:43

Why are you ignoring the fact hes been violent towards me ?
nobody is ignoring that
Why are you ignoring the fact I could not afford for him to stay here for free.
nobody had said he had to stay for free, but should have told him you were charging him board
Why are you ignoring that I have said several times his money is sitting there saved for him.
nobody is ignoring that either, you've been advised to give it to him to furnish his house which you said was your plan anyway

you are clearly worried about telling him but you've made it worse by dragging it out. Also he is an adult and had a right to know what his money is being put towards. He has professionals involved from camhs etc, you said that yourself. You could have asked them for support to have this conversation with him. Even if it was via text, email, WhatsApp or phone call rather than face to face.

For example if your pip was getting paid to your daughter and she was taking some of it towards food and bills without telling you, wouldn't you want to know?

perpetualplatespinning · 27/07/2025 16:44

As appointee, OP doesn’t need DS’s permission to spend the money in his best interests (which extra electricity, water and food are). It isn’t theft.

Original poster
Pipanger · 27/07/2025 16:57

fairgame84 · 27/07/2025 16:43

Why are you ignoring the fact hes been violent towards me ?
nobody is ignoring that
Why are you ignoring the fact I could not afford for him to stay here for free.
nobody had said he had to stay for free, but should have told him you were charging him board
Why are you ignoring that I have said several times his money is sitting there saved for him.
nobody is ignoring that either, you've been advised to give it to him to furnish his house which you said was your plan anyway

you are clearly worried about telling him but you've made it worse by dragging it out. Also he is an adult and had a right to know what his money is being put towards. He has professionals involved from camhs etc, you said that yourself. You could have asked them for support to have this conversation with him. Even if it was via text, email, WhatsApp or phone call rather than face to face.

For example if your pip was getting paid to your daughter and she was taking some of it towards food and bills without telling you, wouldn't you want to know?

He was under CAMHS hes not now . Hasn't been for several months

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 27/07/2025 16:57

Pipanger · 27/07/2025 16:29

So do you honestly think i should have put myself at risk . ?

Show quote history

I think you should have had a conversation before taking any money. That may come with a risk but you should have still spoke about it. Now if it’s the risk you were worried about you’ve created an even bigger risk he’ll be upset or react (not that I agree with any violent reaction) but that’s the situation you’ve put yourself in by just taking the money. He has more reason to be angry and betrayed now which may result in more of a risk in a reaction

Original poster
Pipanger · 27/07/2025 17:06

Coconutter24 · 27/07/2025 16:57

I think you should have had a conversation before taking any money. That may come with a risk but you should have still spoke about it. Now if it’s the risk you were worried about you’ve created an even bigger risk he’ll be upset or react (not that I agree with any violent reaction) but that’s the situation you’ve put yourself in by just taking the money. He has more reason to be angry and betrayed now which may result in more of a risk in a reaction

Show quote history

So your saying i should have put myself at risk.

I most likely would have got hurt . Then he still would have been living here for free.

Oh and sod the effect it had on the other kids.

You clearly think violence towards me is ok. It doesn't work when you say. I dont agree with violence but...

The fact you think its ok for me to put myself at risk is pretty sick

OP posts:
LetsGoRoundAgainAgain · 27/07/2025 17:07

Oh have a day off. No one has said that.

Fluffywhitecat · 27/07/2025 17:10

Pipanger · 27/07/2025 17:06

So your saying i should have put myself at risk.

I most likely would have got hurt . Then he still would have been living here for free.

Oh and sod the effect it had on the other kids.

You clearly think violence towards me is ok. It doesn't work when you say. I dont agree with violence but...

The fact you think its ok for me to put myself at risk is pretty sick

Show quote history

NOBODY is saying that are they. People are saying that you should have had a conversation with him with someone else present if needed or asked someone who was dealing with him to if you were so scared.
You have a serious problem with taking accountability for the decisions you make.

Original poster
Pipanger · 27/07/2025 17:12

Fluffywhitecat · 27/07/2025 17:10

NOBODY is saying that are they. People are saying that you should have had a conversation with him with someone else present if needed or asked someone who was dealing with him to if you were so scared.
You have a serious problem with taking accountability for the decisions you make.

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You think having someone else there fixes things you think that will make it all ok. Nothing will happen later or in 2 days time or what ever.

If only that were true

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 27/07/2025 17:13

@Pipanger - I would advise you to step back from this thread as you will never succeed in persuading certain posters and you are unlikely to get any additional helpful responses. Just re-read the useful posts, take notes, and move forward. 💐

Fluffywhitecat · 27/07/2025 17:15

Pipanger · 27/07/2025 17:12

You think having someone else there fixes things you think that will make it all ok. Nothing will happen later or in 2 days time or what ever.

If only that were true

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That's then on you to deal with isn't it, call the police, change the locks deal with it. Sometimes we have to deal with things that aren't easy or nice. Take responsibility.