I lied to ds about his pip. Because he was violent.

[Pipanger]

In a nut shell. Ds has some mental health issues. He was very aggressive and violent to me. It was awful and went on for sometime. Eventually ds went into supported accommodation. But he was still at my house alot more so than the accommodation he would spend most of his days amd nights in my house. Eating food, doing washing . Using the gas/electric.

Because of his aggression and violence. I couldn't explain to him that he needed to pay his way. So I lied to him about his pip. I told him that he was getting middle rate when he was actually getting heigh rate. I did this so I could take just under 300 for monthly house keeping

Things have changed now hes not really stayed at my house for the past 3 months. So I can't justify taking that money anymore. I have been saving it for him for the past 3 months.

The problem is that I lied but I done it out of safety and the fact I couldn't afford to pay for the stuff he was using.

But now hes not here he needs the full amount the problem is it don't want it to cause a massive fall out. I cant even just tell him theres been a change in his rate here's the money. Because hes claiming for a free bus pass and needs the proof of pip. So hes going to know when it all started. I cant just say you had to pay your way because he doesn't think he should and doesn't really know the cost of running things.

Hes also extremely bad with money his money is gone within 2-3 days of payment. Then he borrows money of everyone he knows. And the extra money he gets wont change that as he will do the same thing. Im an ideal world I would like to keep saving it for him

Bollocks. I haven't been nasty at all. Others have said worse so I don't know why you've singled me out. Don't try and bully me.
Look back through my posts, what have I actually said thats nasty?

Nobody has been nasty. You need to realise that everyone on the Internet isn't your fan club, people have different opinions. You need to take responsibility for your mental health issues also. I'm sorry that you feel down but that's on you not anyone else. Go and get some support for your mental health.

I understand that you’re frightened of your son - my stepsons mum is frightened of him, she’s certainly frightened of his meltdowns and behaviours - it’s not an alien concept to me.

But.. as much as that was why you didn’t tell him you were keeping his money, were you not also frightened of if he ever found out?

That alone could have been a reason to discuss it with him before you started taking it.

I give up I really do 😭 i was not "keeping" is money it was the cost of him being at my house. It was the only (safest) way I could do it. My so is 6ft 4 and had before physically violent to me.

You cant discuss with someone who's violent.

I don't understand why people are not getting g that very simple thing. There's people saying they understand but then telling me I should have put myself at risk. I don't get it.

So if he was violent and you couldn’t discuss anything with him why did you have him at your house everyday? Especially as he had his own place?

Thats like saying to someone in a dv relationship why didn't you kick him out. Why didn't you leave?

Well it’s not it is as he already had his own place.

My daughters ex had his own place. He still beat her up .

You don't have live in the same house for dv.
And when its your child its not a situation where you never ever see them again or they never step foot in your house again. Because you still love them . Its like I want to protect myself but I also dont wabt to come across as horrible to ds or cause him upset . I still want him to feel loved.

So if hes in my hiise and decides hes not going back to his own place I don't want to be rocking boats and risking myself or my other kids seeing it .I couldn't get a 6fft 4 teenager out of my house.

I called the police once and they took 6-8 hrs to arrive.

But obviously thibgs have changed over the past few months regarding accommodation.

I’m aware was to cover living costs, but it is still taking money when it isn’t agreed you can have it. That’s just the facts of it.

My stepson is aggressive (I don’t use the term “violent” about him, personally). How does he learn not to be, if nobody ever teaches him otherwise, puts him in situations he doesn’t like so he learns other responses, or has conversations with him?

The main route to aggression in our house is the word “no,” or him perceiving he’s not allowed to do something. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t get told no, or always gets his own way. That teaches him literally nothing.

I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m saying that conversation could have happened either gradually, with support, in a supervised environment - I don’t know what would work best for your specific child. But IMO, not having the conversation wouldn’t have been an option.

Back to what actually I asked… were you not worried he’d one day find out, and react in the exact way you feared by not telling him? Did that not put you off?

There's obviously a big back story that I don't know about. But am I right in thinking that your Ds lived with you and he received benefits and you were in control of them, then he went into assisted living and you remained in control of his benefits, he came back to eat, shower etc and you used some of his benefits to cover these costs and gave the rest to him, now he's moved out and you've continued to keep back money from his benefits and have it saved for him ?

Tbh I don't see the issue. Unless I have the story wrong. I'm not in the UK, I'm in Ireland and it's a little similar regarding benefits, when in control we're called an agent, if the person being cared for doesn't understand finances we decide what the money is spent on, under 16 the benefits go into the carers account so it all becomes one big pot for everything and when they turn 16 it goes into their own account and we use it towards things they need, obviously food, electric, oil, gas etc is the biggest outgoing most use some of the money towards these things after they have bought what the person being cared for needs.

I think once the cared for person has everything they need that's the most important, I know with my DD who's severely disabled I use both her and my account when buying things for her, I also pay the electricity, TV, oil, food from my account and she benefits from that, it would be very messy trying to take 'her share' for food , heat etc she'll never be financially independent so I understand that it's a bit different to your ds a he has some understanding of independent living.

I'm assuming (I don't know how long he's receiving benefits) you provided everything he needed when living with you as a young child, this is acceptable as you are his mother and are legally in control of his/the money and now he's going to be living in better assisted accommodation so he'll need to provide for himself.

I don't know the time lines of who lived where and when and how long things happened and how much you used, or how long he's receiving benefits but what I think I would do and I know you say you're afraid of him, I would get the money you have said you've saved tell him that when he came back while living in assisted accommodation you used some of his benefits for utilities and you have been saving the same amount from his benefits for the past 3 months then give him that in cash and sign over everything to him regarding his benefits and tell him he's in control of this now.

Yes this is mainly right apart from i wasn't in charge of his UC . That doesn't mean he can manage money though . It was more of a well if you mess up your uc payment within a couple of days at least there the pip to full back on. Where if it was all on one basket it would be gone very fast.

With the living situation he was meant to be is supported accommodation officially he was. But he couldn't cope with the sharing bathroom/kitchen. He would be at the supported accommodation for 4-6 hours.
Now hes in semi independent accommodation and he doesn't have to share the things he struggled with so hes been told he has to stay there. So he was at mine alot. And he was using beyond tje normal stuff and I am on benefits based on 3 children I couldn't afford the extra stuff he was using. I was taking 300 a month from his pip. But recently its been sitting in savings as I have not used it as he's not been here. Hes been getting the rest of the plus his uc.

His accommodation has said he has 6 months to proove himself. With money /bills managing his mental health. Not getting into rent arrears. So me passing control of his pip to him could be a part of that. I think it will be much better like that

Sorry - if he was at SL for 4-6hrs, does that mean he was at yours for the other 4-6 waking hours, or was he actually still staying with you?

£300 is a lot of money, depending on what for. I would hope it was for board, electric etc. Or at least his own food that required buying.

He was at mine all the time (apart ) from the 4-6 hrs

300 =75 a week . That was for his share in gas/electric. Food. He was doing things like putting a wash on leaving it in the machine then rewashing it one wash could get washed 3 times and he would 2 pods for each wash. Plus replacing things he broke. Also he was up all hours of the night . Would be cooking at silly o clock in the morning. Using stuff meant for dinner. So it was costing quite a bit

Ok I understand now, yes you took money for electric,food etc, same way if he worked outside the house he would hand up money to you. He officially was meant to be at the supported accommodation but was at your house 90% of the time. A teenager there whole days eating, washing etc will add up, it's hard to put a price/costing on that.

You stopped using his money when he moved out (last 3 months) and have saved that money for him, so he's still going to get it and he'll probably be delighted getting a lump sum.

From what you are writing on this thread, I'm not getting the impression he will be able to manage his own finances but I guess that's what the supported accommodation will teach him ? You can always make a note of how much things cost IE electric, food, heating, TV, phone etc add them all up and let him see that they are more expensive than a monthly contribution that teens hand up. My kids were shocked when they tried renting how much everything cost, even though I drilled cost of living into them.

Just explain that you put some of his benefits towards utilities as this is part of life and he will be doing this himself now, does he understand bills and the cost of things ? Explain that you were saving the last 3 months and give him that money. I get you should have been upfront to begin with but what's done is done, all you can do is apologise and explain why you did it the way you did.

It's hard when it's benefits because the parent/carer feels guilty using it but they are only providing the things the person needs and things in the home that benefit them. If he worked full time, handed up cash it wouldn't feel strange or like theft.

Thank you. I cant really explain the true reason I done it. Because i don't want to risk getting hurt.

But I am going to fully withdraw from appintee

Yes I get you're scared. You can word it that he was contributing to his usage of things in the home. TBF I would assume any person of sound mind who is in receipt of benefits will realise that they have to contribute towards utilities and food, a parent will provide as much as they can themselves.

75.00 a week seems reasonable to me. You do need to explain to him that whether it's a paying job or benefits he still has to pay for food, heat etc

Hopefully he will be able to manage his finances himself, it's a worry when we do almost everything for them and then they're out in the big world

No one has been nasty..nothing that has been said has been nasty..you may not like it, but it's not nasty.

Do you ever think you would be better off with a blog or diary OP?

£68.85 equals £68.85 a week. Which seems entirely reasonable to me.

Can you retrospectively document what this money was spent on in an average week? And keep meticulous records going forward.

Just to cover yourself in case you are ever asked to justify this expenditure.

Also, the money you are saving for him MUST be in an account in his name.

@Pipanger

Stop trying to explain yourself. You really don't have to. You've done nothing wrong.

I have an autistic adult son who also is now in supported living.
When children/ young people live at home and PIP or DLA gets paid into the parents bank, the parents use it as they see fit.

My DS now has full control of his own money in his supported accommodation.

I think you've been derailed from the reason you started this thread which was fear of your son finding out about the benefits.

The only thing I can think of is to go to his accommodation. He will have a Key Worker and you can then explain it in front of him/ her.
Don't worry about discussing it in front of the Key Worker, you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Good luck OP, keep your chin up

And ignore posters who derail the thread, pretending they know what it's like to have a special needs violent child.
They wouldn't last one day in our shoes....

The money saved does not have to be in an account in DS’s name. As appointee, it can be in an account in OP’s name.