I lied to ds about his pip. Because he was violent.

[Pipanger]

In a nut shell. Ds has some mental health issues. He was very aggressive and violent to me. It was awful and went on for sometime. Eventually ds went into supported accommodation. But he was still at my house alot more so than the accommodation he would spend most of his days amd nights in my house. Eating food, doing washing . Using the gas/electric.

Because of his aggression and violence. I couldn't explain to him that he needed to pay his way. So I lied to him about his pip. I told him that he was getting middle rate when he was actually getting heigh rate. I did this so I could take just under 300 for monthly house keeping

Things have changed now hes not really stayed at my house for the past 3 months. So I can't justify taking that money anymore. I have been saving it for him for the past 3 months.

The problem is that I lied but I done it out of safety and the fact I couldn't afford to pay for the stuff he was using.

But now hes not here he needs the full amount the problem is it don't want it to cause a massive fall out. I cant even just tell him theres been a change in his rate here's the money. Because hes claiming for a free bus pass and needs the proof of pip. So hes going to know when it all started. I cant just say you had to pay your way because he doesn't think he should and doesn't really know the cost of running things.

Hes also extremely bad with money his money is gone within 2-3 days of payment. Then he borrows money of everyone he knows. And the extra money he gets wont change that as he will do the same thing. Im an ideal world I would like to keep saving it for him

Since you have been saving it fir him just give it to him as a lump sum. He will be pleased and perhaps less angry about the deception. However this sets him up for thinking you can easily give him another lump sum in the future. So another possibility is that you simply keave the matter and just start fresh turning it all over to him without comment.

Yeah i know. Thank you 💐

You are deeply unpleasant. Have you ever experienced child to parent abuse? I have from a 10 year old and it hurts let alone a teenage boy who can do a lot of damage.

You should not be advising things when you have no idea of the outcome - feminicide figures include sons killing their mothers as a regular occurrence. Would you advise an abused woman just to talk to her violent partner and explain something that could get her assaulted? No? Then stop asking OP to put herself in danger.

I didn’t say that so stop putting words in my mouth

She has put herself in danger by tolerating the sons behaviour for years this hasn't happened overnight has it. Yes its an unpleasant situation but what is equally unpleasant is people encouraging her to continue lying. Its unpleasant that the rest of her kids will have to be party to this too it's unpleasant that they are just stuck in the cycle of chaos with this new situation. OP doesn't take advice, she doesn't like to admit that these problems are sometimes of her own doing. Her son no longer lives there she can take responsibility now for her and the rest of the kids safety by calling the police, changing the locks if he is so unpredictable and violent, why is he allowed access to the family home if hes such a risk. Sometimes we have to take responsibility for things as grown ups and parents.

Do you think it's easy to get help for child to parent abuse? No one takes it seriously at all. You can't just kick a child out onto the streets can you? Social services won't help generally and neither will the police. And OP has done something about it by getting him supported living and PIP.

You are victim blaming a desperate mother who is trying to safeguard herself and her other children.

She really isn't.

@Pipanger I'm not sure if you know this but it'd actually be very easy for him to find out how much he receives without speaking to anyone.

He'd just have to call the helpline and enter a few details, like his date of birth and phone number relating to his claim and the automated line tells you your next payment amount and date. It would just take someone mentioning this to him for him to realise and it all to come out, so it really is in both of your best interests to get the truth out now.

@Fluffywhitecat

Yes, I agree that you are victim blaming.

Where's the support for desperate mothers nowadays on mumsnet?

Well it's been there for 10+ years for this particular poster and she hasn't listened to any of it. There comes a point in life where we have to take responsibility.

Your really trying . Yes im a long term poster 10+ years . I have taken advice many many times . Its just not the advice you think I should take. And given how you are towards me im hardly going to take your advice ot the people simlar to you.

You have a lack of understanding to my situation and you think I can just do those just do that .

If i choose a different route that's me not taking advice.

I am posting this here because I want the people who have caused me so much stress and upset to see it. Including the other places that talk about me.

I have had this for 10+ years . People making things up about me twisting things gas lighting me. Lying. People saying things stating it as fact . People believing it. Turning things round to suit the agenda. Making me feel that I deserve DV from my child . Making me feel worthless . And many other things.

Even this post will give you reason to start on me again twisting it all Making me feel as shit as you can what evet the conquences.

I have been pushed over the edge now it was going to happen at some point . I was pushed and pushed. It was never going to end well.

Goodbye

Sorry op I haven't rtft but I'm surprised that his mental health is bad enough that he's in supported accommodation at 18 and he doesn't have a social work team attached?

Is that because he disengaged with a service? Maybe it depends on where you're living but where I am 18+ supported accommodation generally involves a social work referral where its related to mental health or disability. If it's due to his age and homelessness then he should have a support worker you can link in with? If he has a mh condition bad enough you've been listed as appointee and is in receipt of PIP then there should be a mh team that's aware of him you can feed in to? If you have younger kids in the home and you're afraid for your safety then a family intervention social worker for your younger kids would also be appropriate to support you.

So what I'm wondering here, is is he violent towards you because of his mental health (ie. Episodes of psychosis or issues with learning needs and communication abilities) or is he violent towards you because he's abusive and actually you need to step back completely in order to protect the younger children.

It doesnt matter anymore

This cannot be serious.

@Pipanger I hope you're ok, I understand that sometimes you can feel at breaking point. I myself posted a similar post on here a few years ago. I woke up a few hours later to the police at my door, they had been sent by Mumsnet and I can honestly say if they hadn't been I wouldn't be here now. It wasn't pleasant but it was necessary.

It was actually very traumatic and I was embarrassed and mortified, my post was deleted and later reinstated at my request. What I am saying as that sometimes it takes something drastic to make you realise that you have to change. I hope you can realise that and move forward. Yes you may have made mistakes in the past and right now you may not be able to see a way forward, but there is always a solution. You owe it to yourself and your children to find that solution.

I hope you’re okay. My 22yr old is autistic and it’s hard sometimes. I’m his appointee, I don’t discuss his money with him, he gets an allowance to do what he wants with and I use the rest in various ways for him. I do not discuss this with him and that isn’t theft just because I don’t. He’s impulsive and doesn’t much understand money but I do so I use it for him. A social worker once advised me to write down or note where it goes so o do that. You have done nothing wrong and have not stolen anything.
Now he’s out of the home again just tell him he has to manage his money now and that you’ve saved some for him so he can do what he wants with it.
Then step back and leave him to it.

You’ve never dealt with child to parent abuse, nor autism added in. You understand nothing.
No it hasn’t happened overnight, these situations never do. However I can tell you from my own lived experience that there is little support out there to help parents in these situations.
Im lucky, my son is placid, loving and calm these days because he has found his own inner resources to deal with big feelings. The OPs son has not yet reached that stage and might not ever do so.

As for money, social services when working out contributions for care agree an amount for food and board. For my son it’s just over half his monthly income so the OP has not done anything wrong and social services would agree with that.

The OPs son can rage all he wants but food and board cost money as he will now doubtless discover.

I'm sorry you've had such tough experiences. I have too. Not sure why you assume other posters 'know nothing'.

But what they do know is more than a decade of thread after thread of name changing, defensiveness, omissions and arguments. OP posted this time and a FEW people have said she was wrong to lie. That's it. But the OP will never, ever accept any possible criticism of her actions. When she came back from her holiday and said her older two children had wrecked the house she got a flood of support to say it wasn't ok then turned it round and told everyone off for having a go at her. And it's happened time and time again. Surely you must see that what the OP is posting is from a very particular viewpoint.

Posters are tired of the constant name changing and missing back stories. They are allowed to have an opinion that is different to yours. It doesn't mean they don't know anything.

And actually posting what seems to be an implied suicide threat totally out of the blue a few days after posting what a lovely start to the holidays she's had could be seen as unbelievably emotionally manipulative. The accusations on that post are astounding.
At no point on this thread has OP discussed her son's violence being something that has made her feel suicidal. She has said the risk of violence is what made her lie. It's only now the bus pass situation has done up has she realised she needs to tell the truth.

I'm quite appalled this is being allowed to run to be honest.

Yeah i read it as a suicide threat too.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Wishing you the very best,
MNHQ💐

There is only so much I can take. And if i have poster after poster going after me eventually its going to get to me. 4 of you have been really nasty. Its not different of opinion or point of view . One of you have even named yourself fairgame with a posting history of just being nasty to me on this thread . Is that because you see me as fair game ?

Let's do a list of shit.

Learning difficulties
Childhood sexual abuse
Metal health
Suicide attempt as a young adult
Father's care when he had cancer.
Dds domestic violence
Dd almost loosing her child due to dv
Wondering if dd was going to be killed.
Ds aggression and violence towards me.
The impact on the other children
Ds suicide attempt
The complications and impact that comes with violence from a child/young person.

Then you Wounder why every now and then I get fucked up mentally then in top of that I have to take all the shit I get on here ? Not by everyone of course people have been lovely,kind, supportive. I won't forget that. But the nastiness I have had had been awful and yes it does get to me yes it does sometimes send me over the edge .

I guess this post will now read as me playing the victim

Fairgame has beeb my username since 2014, nothing to do with you. I haven't been nasty, you just don't like people who don't agree with you.
You know for a fact that I have been supportive on your previous threads, look at your holiday threads, was i nasty on there? No i was supportive, as I have been before so don't go shouting troll at me because I've disagreed with you for once.
I am not responsibility for your mental health and I am not going to blow smoke up your arse when I don't agree with something.

You have been nasty simple as you have. You want me to take it and take and feel nothing. The moment I point it out you don't like it . Nothing to do with disagreeing you can do that without being nasty.