Living with Bipolar

[TopsyTurvyDays]

Named changed and starting a thread just to reach for some understanding I think.

In my 50s, diagnosed a couple of years ago with bipolar when had episode of hympomania. Got back in touch with consultant yesterday as could feel mood lifting (I get more mania than depression). I don’t get euphoria- just angst and misery. Consultant is trying to help me find something more constant I can take to help get enough sleep, as sleeping tablets are addictive and stop working.

I’m just tired and worried and constantly monitoring. Worried I’ll be too much for my friends one day. Worried that I’ve passed on troublesome genes to my kids. Not too worried about my DH as he seems to take it in his stride… looking back I was disguising mild mania with being drunk when we met back in our uni days - so when I fell over the edge, it was all behaviour he’d seen before. We had a worrying couple of days while they ruled out brain tumours etc.

The only people who were mean to me (shouted and screamed) when I slid down the slope into needing an ambulance were my family - siblings and parents. That’s hurt.

I thought I’d imploded my life but actually it’s all gone back to being the same 99%.

I worry for the future. I had an adverse reaction to diazepam and I couldn’t get them to believe me because they thought my behaviour was all the mania. My DH believed me and he got them to believe him.

I worry I won’t be able to drive in the future as we live rurally. But living where we live is part of the reason I held on so long as it’s so peaceful and I love it. Doesn’t work if can’t drive though (lockdown was a taster of what being stuck in house 24/7 was like and it was unbearable for me).

Still much the same..
I have had dreadful week physically as I was ill over the weekend. Knock on effect was going into medication withdrawal and dehydration. I felt really unwell with it but me being me I tried to keep going. I nearly passed out at the walk my cpn arranges and she had to get me into a coffee shop for a prescription of a sweet cup of tea and a ham toastie to bring my blood sugars up.
I then somehow didn't take my mirtazapine two nights in a row which meant I was awake from 12-4 am when the sedation from my quetiapine kicked in.

I'm feeling very much in a hide from the world day to day. My cpn doesn't work Fridays otherwise I think I'd ask for a call.

It’s quite a long time to Monday. Do you think a call to the duty team would be helpful for you? Sorry to hear it’s so tough at the moment.

Please just ring the crisis team, it’s what they are there for. It can’t hurt xx
are you on lithium?
can your partner take over your meds for you?
sorry you are feeling shitty - I really think this weather does not help one bit as it saps everything out of you x

Thanks, I went back to bed until my partner came home.
I'm ok with my meds normally just been thrown this week with routine slightly changed and not feeling great. The one night I didn't spot that it stayed in my dosset box when I emptied it and the second night I had knocked it on to the floor so thought I must have already taken it. I'm still breastfeeding my second and the mirtazapine makes me dopey within about 20-30 minutes so I tend to take the rest of my meds first and then the mirtazapine once he has fed so I can put him in the cot before I go to sleep.

I'm not on lithium at the moment, I stopped it to conceive and haven't restarted it yet. I have been on quetiapine for nearly 15 years and my body is quite dependent on it now. My mind doesn't sleep if I don't take it and then I get all shaky, nauseous, and go all hot and cold. Although it's usually me being sick overnight that causes me to not have taken it so it can be hard to separate out cause and effect.

The weather really isn't helping! We don't have many plans for the weekend so I think something easy and low key is on the cards.

How is everyone else doing?

I’m ok, not enjoying the heat at all. I’m so over summer!
I got keys for new house so
am sorting stuff out, moving in on Tuesday, it’s getting rewired etc this weekend. Not sure how it’s going to feel when I actually move out, been with husband 24 years so it might take a bit of getting used to but I’m glad I’m getting my kitten as he will be company plus kids will stay as and when they want to. Overall the trazodone has helped me out a lot, I’m sleeping better and my mood is more stable after a very long year of poor mental health. I still feel very vulnerable though if that makes sense? It takes a long time to get your confidence back when you’ve had a bad relapse doesn’t it? X

Morning all. How are you all doing?

Had another review with the psychiatrist, she asked if I wanted to be signed back over to GP care with the option of seeing the team when I wanted within 2 years. I asked to stay. The thought of not seeing the psychiatrist scared me even though I'm normally in and out within 5 minutes. I'm still struggling massively with anxiety, she said to take 2 promethazine if I wake and can't fall back to sleep. Which is great but means I'll fly through my prescription, so am reluctant. I keep thinking about leaving my job. I'm juggling so many balls and dropping them everywhere. I am away between 1-5 nights a week for the next 8 weeks, and am dreading it.