Any therapists / counsellors out there who can give advice about transference?

[LostThePlotEncore]

As the title suggests really. I’ve been seeing a therapist since the end of last September and becoming a bit obsessed. I crave the space to feel heard and appreciated. I’m dealing with complex ptsd from SA.

Thanks Rogers.

So in the session on Wednesday I did mention the feeling of attachment. Not quite as obvious as that. I think she got embarrassed.

Ok I think this level of processing outside the therapy is becoming problematic. Essentially you are using mumsnet to continue spiraling in your anxiety. You really need to be upfront with your therapist and try taking her advice.

Example: I feel very strongly about the therapy and you snd this embarrasses and frightens me. How can I manage these feelings?

The central issue is not the topic of the therapy, for you, the central issue is that you fear the attachment so much that you are looking for any way you can to fault the therapist so you can abandon the therapy. You worry that she will leave, that she will see you, that she is embarrassed by your questions, that she will become sngry. These are all ways of blowing up therapy.

Thanks pikkumy, do you think I’m trying to self sabotage the seasons almost?

Yes.

Sadly I think you’re right. So what do I need to do to anchor myself more?

Go to your therapist and ask for help: mindfulness training, DBT skills, CBT skills, etc… When you start spiraling stop, remind yourself that you are choosing your course of action for your own benefit. Your destination and the means of travel are all your own choice.

You will get where you need to go but you have got to stop pulling off the road to check the gas and tire pressure and to beg passersby for reassurance or new directions.

You have your car, map, and companion (the therapist)—just keep going on your journey without stopping so much and anxiously wondering if you should go somewhere else or throw out your companion.

Thanks Pikkumy. I’m in a big rut at the moment and really need to get out.

Hi OP,
Just a few things that came up for me when reading your thread.
Does your therapist actually remind you of anyone? You mention transference throughout - what is your understanding of transference?

You've asked about your therapist spotting/sensing this. As good as many therapists are, its hard to spot or sense transference when the client is holding back how they are really experiencing the therapeutic relationship, or how they are feeling in the room. I would first expect her to recognise your discomfort and that you are holding back.

You appear to be a concerned to share how you're truly feeling with your therapist in fear of what she might think or how she might react. A good therapist will provide a safe environment for you to do just this and guide you - if she is unable to do this and appears uncomfortable/embarrassed i would question her abilities.

You have a fear of therapy ending and mentioned you havent seen or agreed to a contract/shared agreement - this for me is concerning as it is standard ethical practice.

Im sorry to hear you are having such a tough time during therapy, it isn't an easy process and it sounds quite overwhelming for you. Again, I would encourage you to share how that feels with your therapist, if she is unable to guide you through how tough you are finding it I would personally consider finding another who can.

Please don't worry. As therapists it's for us to manage as professionals, we are closely supervised to manage this element of our role - it's part of therapy and your healing journey towards feeling safe.
Probably nothing your lady has not heard before and she's qualified to manage disclosures and boundaries.
Please don't hold back, you've been with her a long time and she's probably aware anyway. Keep up your good work and engaging and then go, be free!

One outstanding feature of your posts, @LostThePlotEncore, is that you seems scared of telling someone how you really feel. Now, it's not for me to guess why you fear it's unacceptable to have emotions or how this happened but I can tell you that saying what you feel is necessary; to an extent it's what therapy's all about!

I wonder if you noticed how incongruous it is to be scared your therapist may think you've lost the plot? She's a therapist. If nobody lost the plot, she wouldn't have any clients. It's her job to help people find the plot ... and that starts with letting them talk about how they feel.

You'll be okay, just talk to her.

Now that’s transference in essence!!!

you transfered feelings onto her!! From somewhere else

agree with puk7 just go and stop trying to blow it up by finding reasons not to continue

So I thought I understood transference but I clearly don’t as I don’t understand exactly what you mean marma. Can you please explain?

Garlic, she feels like the best friend or big sister I never had. And I still don’t have a best friend who is there through everything.

Transference is subconsciously associating a person in the present with a past relationship. Which doesnt sound like what you're describing.

You describe craving to heard and express you felt like your mum massively favoured your siblings, that your mum had bad post natal depression which affected her ability to bond with you and that you feel your therapist is like the big sister or friend you never had. These are all needs that haven't been met throughout life, which currently your therapist is providing - a safe space to be heard, understood and supported. It is understandable you would want to be around her.

So I need to just plough on through @HappyLucyLou ? It’s been suggested to spread my appointments further apart so I can recover more. But not sure if I’d just feel more distance!

For therapy to be effective it is recommended that you have sessions every week or at least every other. My biggest encouragement would be, to be completely open and honest with your therapist, expressing how you are struggling between sessions and your experience of the therapeutic relationship. That alone will give you lots to unpack and likely take away all of the discomfort and confusion you're feeling outside of your sessions. Sometimes we have to be uncomfortable (express our true self) in order to reach the comfortable. If your therapist responds awkwardly, unprofessionally, makes you feel wrong etc. I would personally find a new one

Your feeling she was distant could be you transferring feelings you have/had for your own mother/significant relationship onto the therapist - especially if your mother wasn’t able to be fully present with you, for example when a baby - so you expect her to show up in the same way - in this case distant - that is the transference

you’ve talked about a lot of attachment to your therapist and I think initially a crush?? Can’t remember. so that’s why thought that

perhaps spacing the sessions out would help but I’ve not heard of that before, usually the opposite but I can see how it may help

I think what pukk77 suggested about mindfulness etc techniques would help - we can’t think when our nervous system is jumping all over the place - literally the thinking part of your brain goes off line - I’m not sure if this is you or if your experiencing this - you’ve been posting a while and I can’t remember the content of initial threads

I’d exercise caution against saying “she should be this and that” - talk to her and see what’s going on - if you've built a relationship that’s becoming a safe place that’s work well done and you can build on that -

I don’t know why you are worrying bout the transference - therapists have it too - it’s their job to manage it not you

Exactly - the distance!!! The therapist could be transferring onto you too, in saying “be more distant” - so showing up like the parent you may have transferred onto her - I’m sure your mind will be 🤯 with that - I’d forget it all and just go - you’d don't need to know the theory! The are many theories - the think that is most important is the relationship itself - been proven over and over

anyway speak to her! You will get there - try to think of it as co created space

Bloody hell what an absolute minefield!!! I’ve always been an over thinker. Perhaps what’s landed me in this sorry mess! I have a plan of action to write everything down coherently and then read it out to her. That way I’m in control of the script and I won’t go off piste. I actually considered this career quite recently after I left my last career but all this has made me realise just how talented you all are. Thank you for your posts. I’m finding it fascinating, moving and difficult all at once. I know some of you might be thinking that I need to just get on with it. I think I’ve almost reached that stage now where I’m going to put my cards on the table about how I really, truly feel and if she sticks around, great, if not and it’s too much, then I’ll just have to manage that.

I can’t remember who mentioned it, but it’s not a crush as in a romantic feeling. Just a deep yearning for a true connection. Deep down I know that’s her job so I know she probably doesn’t give me a second thought outside of that room. And I get that although it’s hard. But I’ve never had a real, true connection with a friend. I know we can never be friends so there is a grief there. But I push people away in real life because I do t want to be let down.

'Over thinking' is often a kind of defence mechanism. If we're confused and/or unsure of ourselves, we try to gain a sense of control by analysing the fuck out of things and - as you've done - searching for theories that we hope to use as rule books. I do this 😂 Exhausting, innit!

Trust the process is a cliché because of its wide applicability. Can you imagine what it would be like to have to analyse and plan what to do every time you took a step? You don't need to do that because you trust the process - you just get up, move a leg and off you go. You had to learn it in the beginning, though: you kept trying, kept falling, and trusted that you'd get it in due course. (If your body doesn't walk, re-apply this to eating solids, which took even longer to learn!)

You're in the 'getting the hang of this thing' stage with your therapy at the moment. Do trust it. As I'm trying not to be prescriptive, I didn't suggest writing out your stuff to help clarify what you wanted to bring to your next session - but I wanted to; I think you had a good idea there. Well done.

Thanks so much garlic, it makes perfect sense.

That’s an amazing post. I hope you can hear your strength - after all that you’ve faced you’re still going to take that risk to show up with your writing - that’s amazing. Brave you

I’d take that risk if you can because it will be a different experience for you, and hopefully reparative one

well done you. It’s very brave

Thanks marma. Self doubt kicking in this morning but I know I need to just do it. It’ll happen somehow.

i Heard someone once say “we are all wobbling jellies inside” and I think of it often

you can do this, you’ve got this