Any therapists / counsellors out there who can give advice about transference?

[LostThePlotEncore]

As the title suggests really. I’ve been seeing a therapist since the end of last September and becoming a bit obsessed. I crave the space to feel heard and appreciated. I’m dealing with complex ptsd from SA.

Does it indicate that at that age of 12 something went awry in terms of my familial relationship?

Only you can know but if your thinking of it as a transference issue IMV probably related to early experience and attachment

BUT

there are several interpretations I’m sure

you describe it like an “idealising” transference so maybe worth looking up - Kohut’s theory (self psychology) to see if it resonates - but to be honest try to trust your therapist and work on figuring it out there

Heinz Kohut's concept of idealizing transference is a key part of his Self Psychology, which focuses on how the self develops and maintains coherence through relationships with others, particularly with “selfobjects” — people we unconsciously experience as part of ourselves.
Idealizing Transference:
In this type of transference, the patient experiences the therapist (or another significant figure) as powerful, perfect, calm, or all-knowing — essentially someone to merge with in order to gain a sense of strength or stability. It reflects an early developmental need, where the child sees the parent as a perfect, omnipotent figure and wants to fuse with them to feel secure and whole.

Are you afraid you have inappropriate feelings towards your therapist? Passionate ? Quasi romantic? Is that what you are scared of?

I am a therapist (psychodynamic) and she should be able to gently manage this phase of the therapy. It should not be embarrassing for her, or you, to handle it without blowing up the therapy.

I hope you can bring it up and use it to deepen the therapy. This is done not by succumbing to it but by staying curious about it and using it to explore relationships outside the therapy.

If you talk about it and they reject you, you probably weren't in meaningful therapy anyway.

If you talk about it and they are inappropriate, or revel in it, run...

If you talk about it and you feel rejected, but you can talk about that too, and work through it, then you levelled up in therapy.

If you talk about it, and they help you to understand it, keep going.

I can only say that it was only when my therapist supported me to be honest with her that things started to change for me, both in therapy and in real life. I wouldn't want to say it's easy or that it will always be a good outcome, but that was my experience. I hadn't ever thought that my terror of telling the truth to someone I wanted a relationship with was so deep, so difficult to overcome, or such a big part of why I was having so many problems. But also, that there were very obvious reasons why I was afraid.

Your therapist should be able to help you resolve the transference that has come up for you. This may take time and feel awkward but it is a really essential part of effective therapy. You are not alone in feeling this way.

I am a therapist. It's really normal don't worry! If you have a decent therapist they will be able to help you understand and use it in a way that is helpful to you. Share it if and when you feel comfortable to do so, therapist shouldn't be fazed at all.

I don’t have romantic feelings for her. It’s more a feeling of admiration and wanting to be her friend. She seems such a lovely, genuine person but I know I am paying her to help me. She may be different in real life. But I don’t have many close friends and I do feel like the relationship with my parents isn’t open enough. I just feel like she should be my older sister or mum!

I had that feeling with my supervisor in training to be a therapist and I know lots of my patients have that feeling about me.

Its not really a problem—its a feature of our attachment system. We are designed (for the most part) to seek safety through attachment to others. The therapist should be attached to the patient—I know I am—and the patient should be able to temporarily and situationally, in the context of session, attach to the therapist.

Smiling, listening, caring, responding are all ways that we use to attach one to another. Working safely within the attachment is an aspect of many therapies. If done right, with good attention to boundaries, the patient learns to navigate their inner landscape/problems because they can relax and trust their therapist as one relaxes and trusts a good mountain guide. It would be difficult and foolish to entrust a long journey to someone you didn’t like or trust.

It can be exhilarating and a bit frightening to have that feeling that you can trust a therapist when we are often cautioned by family not to trust outsiders. English culture, too, tends towards favouring emotional restraint snd reserve. And it can seem counterintuitive to share intimate thoughts snd concerns with a professional in a relationship mediated by money. But caring and concern are the basis of the profession so it is usually not just our vocation but our avocation.

So she may know this already? Cringe….

She will likely know. Crossing your comfort zone to raise this with her will be hugely helpful for the progress and your therapeutic relationship

could always put it in writing so you can choose your words carefully and then either give it to her to read at the beginning of the session or read it out to her.

How would she spot it?

shes likely seen it many times and know what she’s seeing

also she will know that this kind of response is part of the therapy and will be expecting it to a certain extent

your avoidance of this needs therapy itself. How about therapy about your therapy ?! I’m joking about this because I have been you about 10 yrs ago.

I know how really really difficult is to have these conversations but the therapeutic growth felt after honesty created a level of trust that has enabled such deep and healing work.

If you were to put it in writing, you don’t need to put all the details in.
You could simply put something like I think I’m experiencing some kind of transference towards you. It feels really uncomfortable to share this with you.
Please can you help me work through this ? You could specify it’s non-romantic if that would make you more comfortable.

Keep it simple, give her high level details and let her lead. From there

Thanks so much for everyone’s replies. It just feels extremely overwhelming and I genuinely do t know what her reaction would be. I’d like to think it’d be positive.

She will be fine -it’s part of the work

go for it if you can

be brave and reep the rewards of self awareness and inner peace

Is there anything that she’s responded to negatively in the time you’ve worked with her?

Im many years into therapy and I still sometimes worry about responses and freak out.
I remind myself to look at the evidence - my therapist has never let me down in any way or been negative or horrible in any of her responses to anything.

Remember, it’s okay to feel this. It will be okay to talk to her and you’ll feel very relieved. Lean into uncomfortable situations for the maximum growth.

No, she has never reacted badly. I’ve had around 8-9 sessions. She is very calm and professional and says she admires the strength I have shown thus far.

Genuine thanks for all the replies.

I do have another question: if the therapist can see transference, does she have to say so to the client and discuss it?

I’ve done some googling off the back of some of the points in this thread and can see how it now might be obvious to her trained eye. So, does she have to say?

Your therapist might guide you towards noticing/observing it in yourself or point it out when things come up in conversation when she feels you’re ready to take it in, especially now that you’re becoming more aware of it.

Re: feeling like you’ll be a nutter if you raise it - it’s probably only your early conditioning or upbringing that’s made you think this is a strange or shameful way to feel.

Great response on both points.

A good therapist wouldn’t blurt out “I see you have transference issues”
It would be more subtle as described by the other poster. she wouldn’t be pointing it out to embarrass you she’ll be guiding you to it if it had a therapeutic purpose.

Thank you both so much. It’s dawning on me now just how skilled you need to be to be a good therapist!!

ive had therapy before, twice, and never felt this way. Why is this? (Sorry more questions!)

The therapist your seeing sounds like they work relationally..it could be that you have found the right therapist for you

Not a therapist but in therapy. Part of a therapists job can be to treat you how you deserve to be treated, especially if you haven’t been very good at doing that for yourself or choosing people who can do it for you. And especially if there were gaps in how you were parented so you don’t know how to do it to yourself. It means they can end up taking the place of a parent in our mind.

please discuss it with your therapist. They won’t care, it will have happened to them hundreds of times. What it will do is help open up a conversation about what is missing from your life that only the therapists fills. And then think about how you can make better choices to fill that need so it’s not only your therapist who does it. They won’t judge you because it’s not about this particular therapist (you said yourself it’s happened many times before with different women) it’s about what’s missing in your life.