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Doing all the things I know make me worse

131 replies

MsGoodenough · 01/04/2025 22:22

I'm feeling suicidal. I know scrolling endlessly on my phone makes me worse. Eating badly makes me worse. Procrastinating makes me worse. Talking about it makes me worse. Yet here I am doing all of them. Staying awake all night. Feel like I'm on a runaway train headed to oblivion. I know I have to stay alive for DD but I've fucked everything up. Has anyone been here and got out. How do I start looking after myself? Both work and partner are sick of me. I don't help myself. I should be in bed by now but am sat scrolling Mumsnet. I am utterly useless.

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LittleBobbyDazzler · 16/04/2025 23:52

I could have written this post myself. I'm sure I'm going to get sacked next week when my sick note runs out and I have to return to work. I know how it feels to become completely absorbed in doom scrolling on your phone to block out your feelings. I'm sorry I can't help but I do understand

Parmeggiano · 17/04/2025 00:07

MsGoodenough · 16/04/2025 23:31

Thank you. What should I say to the Dr? Any magic words to get me referred? I switched to Venlafaxine from citalopram for a week and thought it was making me worse. Dr said to switch back to citalopram, which I did but now worried that's made me worse again. I've been on citalopram for years (in which I've been up and down and not sure if it did anything)

Ok for one switching AD’s really fukks with your brain & emotions. It’s horrible. Makes you feel horribly anxious & is highly likely to be contributing to how yr feeling atm, on top of the basic task of just trying to function. Nobody ever tells you that (GP’s wise) so you panic & blame yourself for the way you’re feeling, and spiral about all of the ramifications, when it’s the medication chemically messing you up, not you.

Venlafaxine is esp & notoriously hard to come off or switch from bcos it has a much shorter half like than others & so it rapidly departs from your brain chemistry leaving your CNS all over the place!

Plse if anything give yourself some grace for being doubly hit atm by these effects as well bcos that at least will give you some external validation that this is prob playing a huge part too & you’re not to blame.

Chemical withdrawal & tinkering with AD’s - GP’s IME have no experience or expertise in deprescribing & managing WD effects or side FX from AD’s.

I personally found Venlafaxine v mood boosting & motivating & anxiety alleviating. Unfortunately there’s no way of knowing what will work for you however & so it’s a horrible case of being subject to all the side FX’s while you trial. For me it was immediate so if I felt significantly worse on it then I’d prob have felt like you. Was it significantly worse or just different?? Some take longer to adjust to. Not saying to go back on it tho just my experience. Def don’t change again in a hurry til you see a professional.

But med side FX & withdrawal DX can be debilitating enough to prevent you from working (I’ve been there). I know that’s not possible in your mind RN but you may need time off work while you get stabilised on a new medication & a bit better.

The only way to request a review &/or be referred to the MH team is to express an increase in the severity of your symptoms, impairments to your functioning, sleep & ability to work & expressing thoughts of being unable to go on any longer. ie suicidal thinking.

You can call your local MH crisis team staffed 24hrs & express all of your distress & fears to someone who will assess & listen & make recommendation. You cld say you will be asking your GP for a referral for an urgent medication review & be completely honest about what you feel will happen to you if you don’t. I’m not suggesting you lie or manipulate - for me that was not difficult to report bcos it was the truth. Explain how the medication is not helping you & now that you’ve tried 2 you should be classed as being in need of more specialist input.

Also we’re conditioned to be good & take what were prescribed & try really hard & so it’s easy to get fobbed off by doctors who clearly don’t know what else to do.

Ask to see a different GP, state you’ve tried both x & y AD’s now & getting nowhere are v desperate & that you are asking to be referred to the MH team. Don’t say you’ve self referred bcos then the GP won’t bother. That there will be a record of you having called the 24hr MH team will show you’re in need & getting desperate. Any GP given you have trialled 2 AD’s now shld be referring you as a matter of course IME anyway.

BTW expressing suicidal ideation or dark thoughts will not have any negative implications for you or their opinion of you as a woman, parent, professional in w’ever role you do & is confidential. So there’s no judgement or risk to you for reporting these.

Sorry if any of this is obvious already. HTH x

MsGoodenough · 17/04/2025 00:49

Thank you.

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Hillsaremyhappyplace · 17/04/2025 08:38

Teacher here, three of my colleagues have been signed off with stress. One a department head, two were year heads. They had a few months off and came back. It’s fine. Really. Another colleague stepped down from his head of department role and became a class teacher instead. So please don’t let that put you off seeking help.

MsGoodenough · 17/04/2025 10:58

I am only in a two person dept or I would absolutely have quit as HOD. Stupidly I didn't quit when we had a vacancy. Now I have an ECT starting in January and I just can't face it, but also can't face life without my job. Trying to thug it out for two years then hope the ect will take over, but I can barely thug out 5 minutes right now. I can't take time off as it will reveal how chaotic I am with very sketchy schemes of work.

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MsGoodenough · 17/04/2025 11:04

I just think I'm totally stuck. Can't do my job properly but can't survive without it. Just want to die but I can't because of DD.

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MsGoodenough · 17/04/2025 11:05

I'm worse if I'm off work so I have to power through

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ShockedandStunnedRepeatedly · 17/04/2025 17:31

@MsGoodenough its awful for you. DD needs and loves you. And I’m sure you could be signed off a while - nothing is worth your health… is it?

MsGoodenough · 17/04/2025 17:40

No but my health is worse when I'm off work. Normally work is my solace and safe space. It isn't at the moment but it normally is. I've been off work nearly two weeks for Easter and feeling the worst I've ever felt, so I don't think time off is the answer.

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ShockedandStunnedRepeatedly · 17/04/2025 17:41

Ok - right - I get it fair enough

Well I bet your schemes are not half as “sketchy” as you fear…

Cancelthebreak · 17/04/2025 18:00

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you are struggling so much at the moment. I know that you have tried medication before and it is hard to believe that anything can help when you are so low but isn’t it worth trying again? Have you considered seeing a private psychiatrist rather than relying on the dire NHS MH services?
Low dose antipsychotics can be used along with AD now for treatment resistant depression so that could be an option for you?
Try to be kind to yourself and get some rest xx

Hillsaremyhappyplace · 17/04/2025 21:10

What do you think would help? Can you get a bit of support at work?

MsGoodenough · 21/04/2025 22:00

Thank you. I'm very bad. X

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MadNadine · 21/04/2025 22:05

I totally get what you're saying about work being your solace. I'm the same.

Some ideas, in no coherent order (very tired, sorry).

I really do urge you to go back to your gp for a review of medication. Could it also be perimenopause, in which case you might need HRT instead of/in addition to ADs?
I do think that this is the absolute priority. All the self care stuff I'm about to list below will barely scratch the surface if your brain chemistry is all over the place. And as a PP said, you can't sort it out alone.

Please, please give yourself some grace. At the very least, try to get some decent sleep, drink plenty of water, get some fresh air, some exercise (even just a 20 minute walk every evening, a ten minute yoga video with Adriene...), and maybe cut back on carbs and sugar if you're sensitive to them. I feel so sluggish physically and mentally if I eat too much.

I'm a teacher too. I sometimes feel like a total impostor. But the truth is I am actually pretty bloody good at my job, even if not all my lessons/SOW tick all the boxes. (Not in the UK though, and nowhere near as much scrutiny/spying from management). The impostor syndrome rears its head when I'm tired or under pressure in other areas of my life and I'm guessing it's the same for you.

We're here for you, OP.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 21/04/2025 22:18

Teaching is tough even for someone with pretty solid MH. It's great that you love your job, but the relentlessness of the workload is enough to make anyone feel like they are not good enough- it's impossible to ever be on top of it all, especially as a HoD. The thing is, in schools, nobody is doing everything they are meant to do. I know you probably feel like you're the only one, but I bet lots if your colleagues are struggling too.

Baby steps with a side-order of 'Well sod it, I'll skip that task, because I can't do everything!' is the way ahead. Incidentally, I'm a stressed-out perimenopausal HoD and an Ashwagandha supplement really helped me.

MsGoodenough · 24/04/2025 19:23

Thank you. I am managing KS3 better but my Yr11s classes are disastrous and I know results will be awful. So panicky.

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MsGoodenough · 24/04/2025 19:23

Only sleeping 2-3 hours a night. On my knees.

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Cancelthebreak · 24/04/2025 22:03

MsGoodenough · 24/04/2025 19:23

Only sleeping 2-3 hours a night. On my knees.

Quetiapine might be worth a try @MsGoodenough. It has sorted out my sleep issues like magic

MsGoodenough · 24/04/2025 22:13

Thank you. Is that something you're allowed to use long term? I just want to sleep forever more but I can't. I do everything wrong.

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MsGoodenough · 24/04/2025 22:14

Been bingeing all evening so instead of sleeping tonight I'll probably be leaning over the toilet vomiting. I just can't bear to be me for one more minute
Drs are useless. Drugs are useless. Recovery has to come from me and if I can't do it then it will never happen. I'm just so tired but I can't get any respite as it's me I need respite from and I'm always fucking there. I just want to die.

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Cancelthebreak · 24/04/2025 22:17

MsGoodenough · 24/04/2025 22:13

Thank you. Is that something you're allowed to use long term? I just want to sleep forever more but I can't. I do everything wrong.

Yes, it is used in low dose in combination with ADs for treatment resistant depression. My sleep has gone from 2 hours to 8 hours a night.

MsGoodenough · 24/04/2025 22:17

I'm already on HRT. I've done everything. I'm so done with it all.

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Cancelthebreak · 24/04/2025 22:22

MsGoodenough · 24/04/2025 22:14

Been bingeing all evening so instead of sleeping tonight I'll probably be leaning over the toilet vomiting. I just can't bear to be me for one more minute
Drs are useless. Drugs are useless. Recovery has to come from me and if I can't do it then it will never happen. I'm just so tired but I can't get any respite as it's me I need respite from and I'm always fucking there. I just want to die.

Please get some help @MsGoodenough, you need to take some time off to rest and recover. It’s heartbreaking to hear your despair.
I know you say that doctors are useless but I think it is just that the NHS is overwhelmed.
Ring The Priory and make an appointment with a private psychiatrist who can spend the time to get you the help you need.
What do you have to lose?
Sending you best wishes. I’ve been where you are now and it can get better.

MsGoodenough · 24/04/2025 22:26

I thought I was doing better yesterday but today taught the worst lessons ever. Now too sick to sleep. Sorry for the endless posts I'm just panicking.

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TropicalRain · 24/04/2025 22:29

Have you ever been on Sertraline? Changing meds might be worth a try? Being a teacher is a particularly stressful job as you can't completely switch off at the end of the working day. I also manage depression and find solace in my very forgiving houseplants. Lately my inner critic has also been piping up and I say to it, 'and, so what?' and then I try to think of a small thing I can do, like have a drink of water. On the outside I probably look functioning but during a depressive phase, like I am coming out of now, each day to accomplish the basics of brushing teeth and showering are like walking through molasses. Don't manage it some days. Also have household, DC to look after and work FT. I am sending you many hugs and please know that the inner critic is not a reflection of who you are, I know you feel it is but that is the depression talking. 💐