Doing all the things I know make me worse

[MsGoodenough]

I'm feeling suicidal. I know scrolling endlessly on my phone makes me worse. Eating badly makes me worse. Procrastinating makes me worse. Talking about it makes me worse. Yet here I am doing all of them. Staying awake all night. Feel like I'm on a runaway train headed to oblivion. I know I have to stay alive for DD but I've fucked everything up. Has anyone been here and got out. How do I start looking after myself? Both work and partner are sick of me. I don't help myself. I should be in bed by now but am sat scrolling Mumsnet. I am utterly useless.

Is there someone who could take care of your daughter to relieve any pressure at home too? Seems to me that time off work and caring and some kind of rest is what you need. You simply cannot continue. You’ll end up in a car accident or some kind of crisis scenario at work, which won’t help your students or colleagues in the medium to long run.

I’m not an expert and certainly no advocate of popping pills at random but I understand medical professionals have medication to induce sleep and rest if judged appropriate.

You said something interesting about the problem not being just your job, but everything, every little decision. And that it's not so much depression as overwhelm.

You are dealing with a lot. Relationship breakdown, probable ADHD, perimenopause, challenging job (even though you love it, teaching is hard).

Any one of those on their own can play havoc with your sleep and mood and general equilibrium so no wonder you're finding things so hard.

There was a thread earlier in the week on which several women doing really high-powered jobs were saying how now, during menopause, they were suddenly finding everythng so hard, second guessing every decision, feeling constantly anxious whereas before they'd thrived on the pressure and responsibility, and were doing brilliantly. So don't underestimate how much hormone fluctuations can wreak havoc with your brain.
I honestly thought I was losing my mind and my identity at times.

What I'm trying to say is you're not failing, you're dealing with some really challenging things. It's only to be expected that you're struggling.

It all seems like one big, black fog pressing down on you, and it's making it hard for you to find your way through. You can't see things for what they are because you're overwhelmed. Taking the little steps that would help seems pointless because you're thinking that on their own they won't be enough to help. (I know, I've been there.)

You're also stuck in a spiral of negative self-talk, black and white thinking, catastrophising, ruminating. Feeling ashamed that you're not coping. (Been there, done that too.)

You're really reluctant to go to the gp to review medication, convinced that nothing will work. You say your department will fall apart if you take a step back or time off. You're terrified that you're going to lose your job. You say you're in trouble for crying at work. That you want to self-destruct.

All this is your depression, burnout, out of whack peri hormones etc talking here. It's not objectively true. And with ADHD you've probably spent years masking, using more energy than most people just trying to function "normally" and it's exhausting. (Ditto).

Please, please be kind to yourself, OP.

There are solutions.
You can and will get through this.

Please please listen to this… she’s so right.

You sound like you're in burnout. It's not a few days or a week off you need, you need months. Right now you can't keep teaching, you'll end up losing your job. You can't adequately teach the children.

I totally get work being where you get your sense of self worth and achievement. But it can't go on.

Just checking back in @MsGoodenough and I'm really sorry to see how much you're struggling. What you describe is where I was 9 months ago. 3 months off work, a phased return, medication and therapy really helped me. Actually the therapist helped me the most. She stripped it back to basics and we set simple tasks for me to do to try and re-regulate my nervous system because I was utterly burnt out and constantly on edge, paralysed by decisions, unable to do simple tasks. It's such a hard place to be but it can get better. I know you say time off work won't help but for me just being able to do nothing at all was what I needed without realising it. It took me a month just to not spend every day sleeping.

@MsGoodenoughThat’s encouraging you recognise ADHD in what you’re going through. I agree with other posters that you sound like you’re chronically stressed atm & burning out.

I’m afraid tho there’s only so much your body & mind can take before it completely shuts down. That is really not a good place to be. It’s traumatic & can affect your ability to work long term. It happened to me & I developed CFS as a result.

Burnout is so common in ADHD where you’re having to rely on adrenaline to function, bcos you’re not getting sufficient dopamine to carry out normal activities. This tried & tested method of being able to function last minute, under duress, over time stops working however, resulting in vicious cycles of more procrastination, staying even later to try to finish tasks & constantly failing. Paranoia & panic sets in esp if you’re the one in charge & cannot reveal to others how bad things really are (or seem to you), causing more masking, stress, anxiety & dysregulation. Depression twists your thoughts & self blame becomes relentless.

Please don’t let it get to the point where you suffer a nervous breakdown. I was so blind to (& ashamed of) what was happening to me that I just kept on pushing myself harder & harder (for years) until I developed traumatic stress & had to take a career break for 2 years. It’s only 20 years later that I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD. (And only now can I fully forgive myself & understand what happened).

Plse take heed from what other posters are
saying & act now to get help while you still can. Professional burnout is so common in teaching & vocational professions. You v likely have undiagnosed ADHD which is an enormous challenge that has got you into this mess, not you. You’re a very capable & talented individual who’s going through the understandable fallout from that. At a time that is known, to make ADHD, anxiety & depression, much much worse - perimenopause. Estrogen is so critical for serotonin production, progesterone modulates GABA receptors critical for anxiety alleviation & providing calm - so it’s like nature’s own antidepressants going into withdrawal & crisis causing emotional hell, let alone all the other things you’re having to deal with. It’s no wonder so many women feel they have to leave the workplace at this time.

These are all recognised now more so than ever. Please as others have said listen to what’s going on with you & get the professional help & time you need to re-set & recover. It’s not easy & takes real courage to your peers & employers to take a break, but it’s so so common. And with the right support & stress management & self-care, you’ll be able to recover & get back to doing what you love & are good at.

This all sounds wonderful but I just know I can't cope at home. And I'll have to set cover work which I just can't do right now. I am so stuck. So much work to do today. Should have done it yesterday.

If you got hit by a bus and were in a coma you wouldn’t have to set cover work.
This is no different. You are seriously ill so you need to get signed off sick and get help with medication and therapy to help you recover. You are beating yourself up when this is not your fault. I understand that as I’ve been there but it is the illness talking and you need to give yourself a break and admit that you are ill and it’s not your fault.

I can't even cope with a weekend. How can I cope with extended time off?

I think you need to see a MH specialist and see what they recommend. You are really suffering at the moment

I have a therapist, she advises me to take those difficult decisions and 'eat a frog a day'. I am referring myself to a psychaitrist. My instinct is the same as therapist I shouldn't narrow my life further as it is a slippery slope. I need to make decisions every day and build up my confidence that was. Exposure therapy. I've got to keep trying and not let it win. But still been procrastiating all day.

Respectfully, it doesn’t sound as if the therapist‘s advice is really suiting you at the moment. The last thing you need is to be eating frogs and thinking of exposure therapy.

That’s such a positive step to see a psychiatrist.

Also got an ADHD assessment upcoming. But not until July...

I was feeling better until I avoided a decision then fell apart again. I think she is right. Every day at home is a nightmare, and if I take time off I think I will shrink and lose confidence further.y mental health always goes down the drain during the summer holidays

One little thing that helps me is audiobooks because I can get that feeling of disappearing into somewhere else but with my hands and eyes free. So I can do the washing up with one on. I can brush teeth listening to it and then lie down in bed and it's slightly less tempting to start scrolling.

It sounded like every day at work was a nightmare as well though @MsGoodenough?

Yes but home is worse.

I don't know what the answer is. I might be about to miss a big deadline.

I’m so sorry that you’re so unwell, OP.

This is perhaps too trite for your situation, but have you tried making yourself a short daily checklist of the most important things that will help you every day? Just three positive things perhaps such as put phone in drawer at 9 pm (don’t do the meditation app, you need the phone put away); leave kitchen by a certain time so you don’t grab late night snacks; and perhaps go for an evening walk as that will help you destress.

Three positive steps every day will make you feel better about yourself and hopefully help you sleep. 💐

Don’t want to add to the decision farigue & know you say you’ve tried HRT & it isn’t helpful. Are you still on it? Is it combination or can you control the estrogen & progesterone separately?

While you don’t feel you have the mental/physical resources to trial yet another medication, what you’re on really could be making things worse. If you’re in peri you may be getting too much of one hormone & not enough of the other. The advice is if HRT hasn’t alleviated meno symptoms to trial a different one but GPs are famously crap at knowing the different options & don’t test your hormones to see what’s going on. Obvs that can be unreliable esp if you’re in peri still but if you’ve been on HRT for 6 months at least it might give a starting point. If you have an estrogen patch or gel you can control it appropriately. Some women need more progesterone - not nec more estrogen, the current one size fits all fails so many of us & we don’t get the benefit when it’s so desperately needed.

You cld book in to see a private menopause specialist who can start from scratch, take a proper history & tailor a combination specific for you. At least with hormones being natural they’re less disruptive to stop (unlike AD’s) & you may be able to get a bit of relief from some of it. Or be better informed about what is going on hormonally atm.

The other positive is that if you do get diagnosed with Adhd you might be able to start medication that may really help with all the executive function deficits that are so tripping you up so much atm. I am not able to go on it so can’t speak of personal efficacy but for many it makes a real difference with task initiation, procrastination, focus & concentration & overall ability to function.

I have been where you are where even attempting any of these suggestions feels impossible & you cannot cope with the overload or have the resilience required to cope with the changing of different meds & interventions. It’s awful. But one or both of these cld maybe help.

Thank you. I am beating myself up so much for missing the opportunity to have an ADND assessment last weekend. I am going to ask my Dr about my HRT. I feel like my brain is mush.

Also have restless leg syndrome so now exercising or won't sleep. Not prepared for the week. Also procrastiating on exercising so will be up half the night and feel like death tomorrow. But I do have some nice classes tomorrow so hopefully they will cheer me up.

How you doing, OP? Hope ok ish…

I'm doing a lot better thank you. I've started cold water swimming which is really helping me. Also reading the book 'Breath' by James Nestor and finding following some of the breathing techniques he explored really helpful. Thanks so much for checking in.