Doing all the things I know make me worse

[MsGoodenough]

I'm feeling suicidal. I know scrolling endlessly on my phone makes me worse. Eating badly makes me worse. Procrastinating makes me worse. Talking about it makes me worse. Yet here I am doing all of them. Staying awake all night. Feel like I'm on a runaway train headed to oblivion. I know I have to stay alive for DD but I've fucked everything up. Has anyone been here and got out. How do I start looking after myself? Both work and partner are sick of me. I don't help myself. I should be in bed by now but am sat scrolling Mumsnet. I am utterly useless.

A colleague of mine was recently signed off for a couple of weeks due to poor MH. I think it really helped her to reset - I can see she is much better and coping with work. Is that a possibility? It doesn't have to be a long time but a breathing space so you can set things up to help you? Life can be really hard and sometimes it feels impossible to get out of the rut, but a few days to yourself where hopefully your medication can kick in and you have the space to walk in nature and buy a meditation CD or something might help.

Echoing what everyone is saying I think you need to consider taking some time off, you need headspace to heal and rest

I’m sorry but this is crazy OP. You need to prioritise yourself and your family and sod work. YOU ARE ILL so go and get signed off and take some time to rest and recover.

Bless your heart OP. So sorry you feel so terrible - it's not your fault.

I get it. I think sometimes when you feel like that, you almost go into 'self punishment/self neglect ' mode. So you kind of continuing doing the things that know make you worse because you've stopped 'caring' about your own self care.

It's also very 'rut' like behaviour. So easy to just dig yourself in further.

What I would say, is give yourself a bit of a break from the pressure you're putting yourself under to be perfecting great self care. You're not in a place to achieve 'great self care'. The added pressure will be much worse for your mental health.

Great self care is to be practiced as 'maintenance ' to maintain adequate/good mental health once you're in a better place.

So at the moment, if scrolling is a distraction, just do it ! And forgive yourself. Set a timer. So scroll for 30 mins. When the timer goes off, do a small chore (brush your teeth, comb your hair and out it in a ponytail for example) split tasks into really small manageable chunks between the 'unhealthy' habits.

When I'm feeling in a bad place , I write lists. 'clean teeth' 'put make up on' 'wash children's uniforms' . It just helps to 'achieve' something when you can put that tick in the box.

Don't put yourself under unnecessary pressure at the moment- it won't help. Work on the smallest steps first - then make strategies to get off your phone etc when you're in the 'maintenance ' phase.

Good luck. You're not always going to feel this way, despite the fact you can't see that right now.

Ps with regards to work , I personally find it therapeutic and helps me feel like I have a routine and keeps 'normality' (busy, professional job like yours ) however, thats me. It's not everyone. Some people really really need to take time off sick and that's absolutely vital to do.

A colleague of mine, same job, had an awful bout of depression with suicidal days, she took about 2 months off - my goodness she was better for that time. See it as self care.

Times have also changed, there's no loyalty or thinking better of people that don't go off sick. It's not like that nowadays. People go off sick all the time (we live in such 'burn out' work environments here in the UK with pitiful support, big blame culture if you make mistakes, very 'process' heavy ) and it will breed people burning out and being off sick. So point being, you're not going to be thought less of for being off sick. You'll be one of many that have had to do that. We're all replaceable at work. We're not at home.

Hi, I’m terrible on my phone too so ease up on yourself. I’m also a teacher. One thing springs to mind with the procrastination …are you menopausal? That’s made mine soooo much worse.

Try just doing one thing a day that helps. More water. Adding rather than taking away.

Us teachers are hard on ourselves. There is no end to the job, that’s the problem.

Yes I'm menopausal. I feel like my brain has left my body. But hrt has made no difference

Go on Amazon. Order a little CD player . With old fashioned wired headphones. As boring and retro as possible and DEFFO not compatible with your mobile. If you need to order an alarm clock too so you don’t have to use the phone.

As soon as you have these, power OFF your mobile at 1030 pm and leave it downstairs. Then use the CD player and headphones for meditation music or an audio book, whatever works. Set the boring old not connected to anything alarm clock.

get analogue! That’s what I’m trying to do. Notebook, paper calendar, separate non Internet based devices …

I can't make even the tiniest decision. I'm not functioning.

There must be a procedure for cover at work whilst you take some much needed time off sick OP. I know it’s not what you would want & never is ideal but it sounds like you really need to prioritise yourself at the moment. Trying to mask it all at work whilst also having switched AD’s is a lot - too much to deal with. The level of stress is too high atm. Otherwise you may burn out completely, I know I e been there. Please look after your health. If it were for a physical condition it would be a no brainier. Your mental & emotional health is your physical health. Please listen to what you sound like you desperately need & take as much time as you possibly can. You are only human.

On Easter hols now. Perked up a bit when visiting my sister but home again now and then tried to work but can't. I know if I take time off sick I'll just get worse. Completely stuck.

Can you visit your GP?

I've had multiple GP appointments. Have medication and therapy. But if I'm not willing to do the things I need to do to get better there's not much else they can do.

So pleased you've had a bit of a breather and enjoyed your time with your sister.

Have you seen any improvement with the medication you're taking?
Have you had a follow-up with the gp to go over this? (It might need tweaking, or even changing if you're not getting the full benefit).

What are the things you need to do to get better, that you're not doing? Were they suggested to you in therapy? If so, why aren't you willing to do them? No judgement, just trying to understand, and maybe help. Are they too difficult? You're not convinced they'll help?....

I need to make decisions and ride the anxiety. I need to do my job. I need to not splurge and over share with my colleagues. I need to eat well and sleep well. I need to stop being so negative about everything. I need not to spend all day crying at my computer and actually do some work.

I don't know why I can't take baby steps to help myself. I just can't. Even though I know that means I will lose my job and my life will get infinitely harder.

Please stop thinking about doing some work. You're on holiday now and need a break. If you were in most other jobs working during your holidays would be madness. Give yourself at least the first week and a half to recover without thinking about trying to work or catching up with jobs. Rest even if you can't sleep and try to get fresh air. One step at a time.

I start back on Tuesday next week so I am a week and half in.

Good example: I've been sat on the toilet for half an hour on MN instead of having a shower and going to bed. I'm scared of leaving mn and feeling my feelings, even though I know being on MN is making me worse.

@MsGoodenough the reason you can’t do all these things is because you’re not well enough too. Depression strips you of any motivation, you experience a cognitive shift where your thoughts are filled exclusively with negative ones, and you get caught in rumination spirals of self criticism & self blame.

This is completely PARALYSING & berating yourself & recriminating yourself for not doing all the things logically on paper that could make yourself feel better, is just a part of it.

This is your depression talking!

Ruthless, endless, punitive self criticism!!

Coupled with feeling down physically, fatigued & unable to concentrate is making everything feel even worse.

No wonder you’re going round in circles & unable to function properly.

I know you’ve seen GP’s till the cows come home (as have I) but I truly think you shld ask for a medication review & a referral to the MH team. Whether you’ll even be considered eligible for their service is another hurdle, (as it’s harder than ever now to even see a MH professional or psychiatrist) but one worth really really pushing for.

I think everything you’re describing suggests you need stronger or more effective medication, as what you’re on currently doesn’t sound like it’s helping you enough.

Your brain is overwhelmed & your mood is depressed & no manner of trying to think your way out of it will help IME.

Make that call please!

Thank you. What should I say to the Dr? Any magic words to get me referred? I switched to Venlafaxine from citalopram for a week and thought it was making me worse. Dr said to switch back to citalopram, which I did but now worried that's made me worse again. I've been on citalopram for years (in which I've been up and down and not sure if it did anything)

I just feel like the GP doesn't have a clue how to help and not does anyone else. At the end of the day it has to come from me.

PS self care - eating well, going to bed early etc etc are only made harder to do - even if you know exactly what you should be doing.

All those things are impossible to achieve today . Anyone would feel overwhelmed by these expectations

You need to be kind to yourself. That is the only thing you NEED to do right now

If there is anything at all that you feel you might like to do ,however small. Something that does not feel like a chore to do, then do that. If there is nothing then still be kind to yourself.

Do the escape activities if you have to but do them intentionally. Tell yourself you are going to scroll all evening because you can't decide on or feel too tired to do anything else that will make you feel better and you need the distraction. If you can set a regular timer to remind you to ask yourself if the distraction is working or if something else might work better.

If you want to binge, get all the food out ready and say to yourself I want to eat all this so that I can lose myself while I eat and forget my problems. Then if you still want to to eat it, do but eat it slowly and actually enjoy the food. Make the distraction something intentional not a punishment for not being good enough

This is the start of being kind to yourself

Sorry meant to add. This is just the first steps to not spiraling further while you get help. Definitely second all the advice time seek help from your GP or therapy