Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 8)

[MinionKevin]

Started a new thread as I can see previous OP hadn’t been on for a while.

Link to previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4970868-parents-and-carers-of-anxious-teenspart-7?page=40

@Mb76 how old is your daughter and how long has she been struggling?
if you’d have told me when she was a child that dd would struggle like this I’d have laughed. Husband and I used to look at each other and smile at our happy, joyful and quietly confident child. I get how anxious she is but I have to admit that sometimes I’m really frustrated by how she won’t help herself (I get that she can’t).

I could have written your post word for word…
my DD just turned 16, and she started really struggling last summer during the GCSE mocks… it’s been escalating since, I do feel the school pressures are making it a thousand times worse.

@Mb76 feel better knowing it’s not just me feeling this way.
Being a mum was my favourite thing in the world and I felt so confident in my ability to parent where now I just feel like an absolute failure. I don’t think anyone in my family or friendship group realises how much we are struggling as they see the positive bits and I feel that it isn’t my struggle to share.
Sh usually bounces back quicker than this but I think she’s really worried that she has messed up the best friendship she has…

Dd still lying in bed and now devastated as her friend hasn’t replied to her messages last night… I am torn as I get how disappointed her friend must have been and probably thinks Dd is messing her around but gutted for Dd who may have lost her best friend. Don’t think Dd shares her anxiety with her friend an she provably comes across as fine in her interactions with her friends… not sure how I handle this..😢

@Awomanofsubstance85
I hope things have settled down now. Its horrible to feel so helpless.
I really hope DDs BF is understanding and supportive, its hard when they are young.
Easter holidays start here today and its a such a relief not to try and get DD up and out every day.
Shes been very wobbly atm, her Art Alevel after easter and shes behind in her practical prep as her fabulous teacher has been ill for last 2 weeks which has really set her back.
Will be relieved when art a level is over!
Happy Easter everyone.

@Runnerduck34 Hope you’ve had a lovely Easter weekend.
gcse art was bad enough here… I remember the stress and having to run out at the last minute to get some oil pastels as she’d run out and needed to complete something. My dining table still wears the scars of that period!
Bit up and down here… dd had a different friend over for the day last week which really perked her up and made me feel more positive about things. Unfortunately, her best friend is making excuses not to catch up (I think they are excuses but who knows!) and I get her disappointment… hard to know if it’s her parents possibly giving her advice to cool the relationship (they are a little complex!) but dd is gutted. This is th one person she can be herself around and she is a real positive influence. I’ve suggested she just keeps things light with her for a few weeks and hope things get back to normal soon.
Little studying being done and the predicted grades seem so aspirational right now and I can’t even see her being able to sit the exams… Hope the medication starts to kick in and perhaps being back at school next week will help.
At least she is back to talking about her feelings again and we did have a good chat last night… she is feeling so negative about everything right now…. I’d give anything for something g to happen to turn the tide.
love of anyone else feeling like they are wading though syrup x

Hope you all had a peaceful Easter break?
We had a few days away, which was nice but rather marred by dd1 and her constant sadness/glumness re: her breakup.
It's getting really wearing, which makes me feel lile an awful mum.
She's at the "no one will ever love me again!" phase.
I'm trying very hard not to get drawn into long discussions (which go nowhere and don't help her..) and just listen and nod.
Dh is away til next weekend so its all on me - again.
She was in a bad place this time last year, too (post grad nightmare
and shitty bf behaviour..) and here we are again.
Her friends are being amazing, I have to say.
Dhs uncle died (fairly unexpectedly) so I'm also planning a funeral (my mil is 83 and in poor health so I'm doing it for her)
Dd seems to be ok. She's working hard and has got a college friend coming over tomorrow.
I seem to just be constantly waiting for the next crisis 😕

I hope you all managed to get some rest over the Easter holidays.
DD has developed a health anxiety. Every little thing that seems wrong sends her into a spin. Had so many appointments. Twice in out of hours over the holidays. Panic attacks, heart palpitations, waiting for an ECG (I am sure it will come back fine)… then on Saturday stomach ache, had to check it in case it was appendicitis (it wasn’t).
today she had orthodontist and did not make it back to school after, I am dreading the next two months and the scope for school refusals - by her logic all the learning is done and there is no point going in. Yet she’s not able to revise independently at home. I never ever could have imagined this would be our lives now.

wading through syrup and waiting for the next crisis definitely resonates with me. I am so tired.

sending you all strength - and thank you for reading

Sorry to hear of dds HA @Mb76
It must be exhausting for you (and her).
My friends dd went through similar, had an ecg and it was normal. It did mean she got propranalol though.
Wading through treacle is absolutely how I feel since last January.

Just checking in. Probably had the most peaceful holiday ever, no meltdowns at all. She just got on with her work and we went out a few times. Didn’t see her friends which is a sticking point but thats because they are all so unsociable.
Small drama about going back in today so I had to basically kick her out the car - however she had a great day and came home happy and full of stories.
Shes planning on trying some new foods too, her diet is very limited. A few more things would make all the difference. She can’t leave home unless she eats!

Really pleased to hear your update @MinionKevin ☺️
Lovely news x
Dd has counselling tomorrow and told me earlier she's hoping to stop needing to go by the autumn!
She continues to work hard, but places far too much pressure on herself.
I'm in the middle of renovating a room in the house - looks great but its been exhausting - so I've been less "available" and the sky hasn't fallen in!
Mum continues to deteriorate imo, but siblings not interested.
She hasnt left the flat other than to be admitted to hospital since early February 😕

@destiel00 you’ve got so much going on there… I remember when my mum was needing me more and more and that was pre-teen anxiety days.
well done you for redecorating the room though, am sure it will be lovely and it is nice to do something positive sometimes. At the moment I’m relishing going into work as it’s something I’m good at and there is so much companionship among the staff members. I get a few hours of not thinking about anxiety and even get some time to step back and really focus on issues. It’s ok until something goes wrong and then I feel helpless and my ability to handle stress at work myself is sometimes diminished unfortunately.
A few up and downs here, still struggling as her best friend hasn’t really been the same since dd was unable to go on the planned day out at the beginning of the Easter hols. I understand but I’m gutted for dd as they had been friends for so long. I suspect th friend’s parents have perhaps suggested she back off but she misses her so much. I’m just hoping in time they can reconnect. Not sure whether dd should just back off ans let the friend come back when she is ready or to keep communicating (but she is then rejected on a regular basis). Some good times as well- she has started a new friendship at college but it’s in the early days.
have a great day everyone x

@Awomanofsubstance85
That's a tough one...I think I'd be advising dd to back off contacting and let time do its healing thing, but thats easier said than done x
I lost a friendship at 16 because I had to pull out of a holiday with a friend and her family (my mum was in a mh crisis) and she never forgave me.
It was hard at the time, but better in the long run (we had become quite co-dependant looking back)
Dd1 has just left for work. I now hide in my bedroom until shes left 😕
I was in her room for over an hour again last night going over the same ground wrt her breakup.
I have nothing new to say and she gets annoyed with me.
I'm not sure if she needs to speak to the gp. She's speaking to a counsellor.
I feel awful for saying it, but I'm finding the whole "no one will ever love me again" really irritating 😕
I think I just need to tell her I can't keep doing it. Its not helping her or me 😕

....And I'm yet again in funeral planning mode (dhs uncle)
I really wish people would appoint executors/poas who are younger than them!
My poor mil just can't cope with any of it (shes 84)
I feel quite fed up.

How are things now @destiel00 ? I’m sorry your DD is still struggling with the break up, it’s good that she’s speaking to a counsellor though.
I think with you, she knows you’re her safe person and wants to offload. I totally get how you have nothing new to say and she would get annoyed. We can’t solve their problems in life for them. All we can do is listen and nod sometimes…

Here things are still up and down. Managed 5 days at school last week, but some days she was in late and I had to take her. It was very stressful. The school sent an email about attendance being below national average for this school, especially Y11 for both boys and girls (they are two separate schools in one academy trust) …. So they are making it tougher on parents and sent the email basically saying send them in unless they are really ill. Send them in how? Not like you can pick them up and physically take them at this age… I’m doing my best but it’s taking its toll on me.

The first GCSE is next week on Friday, I’m equally dreading it and looking forward to it. At least once underway, it will be one less exam left with each passing day…

My employers have had a meeting with me and suggested I take some time off as they can see how tired and stressed I’ve been (it’s been nearly a year). I appreciated them reaching out and couldn’t really argue so took their advice. The GP signed me off for two weeks to begin with, I am not telling my daughter though as she will see it as a sign that she can stay home too, if I’m not working (I work from home anyway so I can hide it).

my GP also upped my sertraline prescription to the next dose and suggested talking therapy. I am considering the therapy. Has anyone done it and found it helpful?

I’ve had a 6 week therapy through my employer but didn’t find it amazingly helpful because the root of my issues is my child’s MH … I feel like there should be some specific support available for parents of ND children. Maybe I just don’t know what to ask for?

I’ve got yet another doctors appointment for her this morning, running out of straws to clutch to.

Oh @Mb76 I do feel for you x
I'm glad you're having some time off and totally agree don't tell dd!
I found last year that once the exams start, the kids sort of get into the pattern of sitting exams...its their new normal.
I'm afraid I've never paid any attention to attendance letters. I know the school have to send them due to ofsted/trusts/DofE guidance, but I used to just bin them.
The schools have always known - as I'm sure yours does - that you are doing everything humanly possible to support your dd.

Hi everyone.
I hope you've all had a peaceful Bank Holiday?
I've spent it mostly helping mil sort out dhs uncles house (we will need yet another skip...) and cleaning. Not very exciting!
Dd is getting a bit stressed as a college deadline is approaching, but she's been working hard.
Dd1 is much the same, and is trying to keep busy.
The funeral is next week and I think I'll feel less stressed once its over.
Please send good vibes (as dd would say!) for my car passing its MOT tomorrow 😬 🙏

O

How’s the car @destiel00 ?
Hope it sailed through without anything serious or expensive.

ok here but dd is struggling with the end of college. I think we bigged it up before she started thinking she’d have a wonderful time after hating school. It has been a positive experience but her social anxiety has had a real impact upon her ability to make friends. She was really upset in the car coming home tonight saying that she’s never been to a party, been on a date and she’s now an adult (!!!) and her teenage years are over. She says she’s never been a proper teenager. I’m trying my best to be more of an active listener but I so wanted to tell her that lots of others will be in exactly the same position. I wanted to remind her of some of the great experiences- going to gigs in bars with her best friend, going to big concerts, but I didn’t!
I’ve been listening to the let them theory on audible and I kept reciting ‘let her be upset’ and reassuring myself that it’s a normal response for her to feel like this but I can feel my stress levels rise.

It is a hard one and I have been trying my best to stick to it for the last few years. My ability to stay on track is up and down! When I do manage it, I do find that they feel better quicker and often end up with the same conclusions that the advice you chose not to give was trying to demonstrate. When I give them the advice instead, the situation often escalates, they get more upset and everyone is annoyed! The twin doctors on their podcast What's up doc covered it when they had a bit of a fall out and it demonstrated both why it's important and yet hard to action.

It passed! Phew.
I think I've come to the conclusion that nodding and making soothing noises is best 😕
With my dds, advice isn't always welcome, and, indeed, sometimes causes anger and distress.

I'm struggling atm with both dds.
I know they are both young and I'm just "mum" but...
Dd has been encouraged by college to apply for internships and to volunteer at a local theatre this summer.
Sounds good...
Except dd gets totally burnt out very easily and it ends in illness (migraine and vomiting usually) and mh crises.
Older dd - today is s perfect example - going to a festival type thing. It's hot. I advised sun lotion and a hat (she likes and has MANY hats..)
Nope. "It'll be cloudy"
Cue me looking up at the cloudless skies 🤔🙄
She's come back feeling ill from the heat and had to buy a hat.
Ffs!!
I honestly feel gaslit by them!
And I'm battling the local gp surgery who are utterly rubbish but are the only place we can go.
The same surgery that "forgot" to refer dd to camhs for 11 months 😡
We have a funeral next week and I'll be glad when it's over (complicated relationship)
I'm feeling quite sorry for myself today 😕

@destiel00 that sounds really familiar and really tough… hang in there!

I only have one but for you it’s double the amount of stress and worry. Make sure you do some things for yourself, I know easier said than done.

I hope the funeral goes as well as can be. Sending you a big virtual hug, 🫂

Here we are on the eve of GCSE’s, big day tomorrow with two exams, English lit and business. DD not really ready, but she had Drama one on Friday and that went all right we think.

Buckling up, and giving up on sending her to school outside of exams.

@Mb76
Wishing your dd - and you! - good luck for the gcses 🍀
It was a year ago for me (well, last year and 2019!) and all I can say is the horror lessens with time 😃
Seriously, I found it a case of "head down, make no plans, be around, cook favourite food and have snacks handy"
Also...don't ask how the day went this is apparently "do cringe" 🙄

I hope those with dc currently doing exams are holding up ok? X
Things here plod on...
Older dd had some good news about a job yesterday.
Dds college deadline is today but she seems on top of it. She wants to get a summer job.
Her counselling tends to be every 6 weeks atm due to bank today's and holidays.
We are away for half term but I'm not looking forward to the travelling 😬
Funeral went well, one very difficult family member didn't come at the last minute so I heaved a sigh of relief!