Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 8)

[MinionKevin]

Started a new thread as I can see previous OP hadn’t been on for a while.

Link to previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4970868-parents-and-carers-of-anxious-teenspart-7?page=40

Hope everyone is doing ok. I often read this thread and hope it’s ok to post.
Dd18 has struggled with social anxiety since her early teen years. It did come out of nowhere really as she was such a happy, quietly confident child. I was a smug mother watching her take part in school plays, dance shows and just thriving. A toxic friendship aged 11 which impacted all her other friendships, COVID and my overprotectiveness (I think 😢) caused her to struggle and we sought help for her with a counsellor and then a really good psychologist. Things improved enough for us to believe that she’d get over it as she grew and matured. But she has hit a low point again (probably exam pressure and struggling with future plans). Have spoken to the gp wondering if she could access some anxiety medication to get her through this patch up to the exams but they have sent an appointment an appointment for CAS mental health services. Has anyone used this service?

@Awomanofsubstance85
Sorry to hear things are not great again! Could DD see the counsellor or psychologist previously seen as that seemed to help her?
No experience of CAS but I did a quick Google. You may be offered an assessment with one of their teams. There is no guarantee that this will lead to any help immediately. Unfortunately, unless actually in danger of self harm and suicidal thoughts there is no immediate help from NHS. GP can prescribe anxiety medication but our GP wouldn't. Even our psychiatrist wouldn't and DD was given antidepressants. Try your GP and see what their advice is.
I would recommend counselling or therapy. Keeping low demand at home and repeatedly reassuring her that it's ok about the exams and what ever outcome it is she will still have a future.
It is a hard period for all exam facing kids..more so the ones with poor mental health.
Hang in there. Feel free to vent here and look after yourself
Xx

@DarkChocHolic
thank you for your kind words.
Although we could see the improvement after dd saw the psychologist dd has a different opinion and saw it as pointless, that she just had to draw and chat. I think she wanted it to be a magic wand and I keep saying that nothing is a magic wand and that it’s small steps towards a recovery and an easier, happier and more contented life. It’s a similar story when I suggest yoga or mindfulness etc and she just says it’s useless. We paid for hypnotherapy to get her through her gcse exams as she was having lots of gastric issues with the stress and again she won’t consider returning or using any of the material the therapist supplied. It just feels as if she won’t help herself and while I do understand how frustrated she is it’s really hard to keep supporting when she won’t help herself. (That makes me sound horrible 😔)

@Awomanofsubstance85
I'm sorry your dd is struggling.
Sometimes its getting an appointment with the "right" gp...
One at our surgery refused to px propranalol, but then another one did.
It's not a cure but it helped dd during her gcses.
If your dd is over 18 they absolutely can px anti anxiety meds - check out the nice guidelines and refer to them.
Good luck x

@Awomanofsubstance85
I totally get you! My DD is the same...wants magic wand and we have tried everything..counselling, DBT, family therapy, medication..bloody nothing works because she won't make other simple lifestyle changes.
I have now stopped trying new things to fix her...she will fix herself when she is ready.
My DD is also doing A level exams this summer. If she sits them it will be something and if she manages 3 Es that would be bloody miracle.
I know it's the wrong attitude but having no expectations is the only way I protect my MH.
I am bracing myself for a stressful 6 weeks during the week exams but am prepared for it to be an absolute shit show.

You can’t believe how much it helps to hear someone identify with what I'm feeling. I keep it mostly all hidden with friends, family and colleagues- they see the good bits- the photos of her looking amazing and going out and mostly doing well academically. I’m just exhausted with the constant worry, I check my phone with dread and each morning I worry if she’s going to get to school without issue and if I get to work on time.
glad it’s not just my dd who wants a magic wand! I try so hard to look after myself and be proactive in my own mental health. I know she just has to do it in her own time but geez!!!
im also dreading May/June and then the rest of the summer as we anticipate results. We were so optimistic when she finished her GCSEs with the prospect of a new start to do a levels with new friends and possibilities. Don’t feel the same optimism about the next stage whatever that will look like. (Going to be a gap year of some sort).

Just catching up with the thread.
Seems many of us are going through similar things atm.
Im feeling very low and have been signed off by GP.
DD(18) mood is all other the place, on a high one minute, crashing down the next. But generally very low and shes having suicidal thoughts. Irs taking all my energy to support her. Shes got 1 Alevel this year and will sit the other 2 next year. But Alevels have upped the pressure and she is also struggling socially.
Ive just had a MDT with the professionals working with her and it hit me hard, i think i was trying bury my head in the sand a bit.
Work has been shit , manager has bullied colleagues before and now is gunning for me. Ive made a couple of minor errors but shes all over mine and ignores other peoples and I feel is very dismissive of me. She knows Im caring for an autistic DD who is suicidal but honestly I feel she holds it against me if need to take a bit of flexi for an appointment or meeting for DD and she wants rid of me.
All in all feeling Im very low, but obviously need to keep in keeping on for DD i dont want her impacted by me being low too.
Anyway sorry for rant.
I hope this weekend brings sime peace and relxation for us all x

So sorry to hear your update @Runnerduck34
You've absolutely done the right thing by taking some time from work x
Does dd want to complete her a levels? Would a shift to a btec or similar be something she would/could consider?
New start?
I'm struggling, too.
Mums just home after a 3 week hospital stay - no diagnosis so no idea what was/is wrong. She's very frail now.
Dd1 is dealing with her first heartbreak and 1 month along, I'm struggling to keep positive and listen to the same thing over and over and over 😕
She's just texted and asked to chat in her lunch break - every fibre of my being I want say I'm busy 😕
Dh super stressed with work...
All in all, a bit shit.

@destiel00 sorry everythings a bit shit for you too. I can relate to everything you are saying. I hope your mum gets answers and a treatment plan. My mum had end stage dementia, so am also pulled in lots of different directions. I think we both probably feel we need to "keep it together" but sometimes we need people looking out for us too. Thank your reply, reaching out on this chat with other people who get it does make a big difference. At the moment I cant see a way out but I keep reminding myself this will pass, things will get better. I am desperately crunching figures to see if I can stop working at least for a while, Im 55 in April so could access my pension but my pension isnt that brilliant and it would be a significant income cut and I/we would be totally reliant on DH s income and future pension so its a financial gamble (and puts me in a vulnerable position) My DH also has a stressful job and as he earns more than me and because Im mum pretty much 99% of DDs care falls on me.
After struggling on and keeping going for so long i now feel like Ive reached the point where Im breaking.

@Runnerduck34
We really are at similar life stages..
I do pt work which are term time only, so we rely on dhs salary, too.
55 next year.
I've had to sacrifice so much for dhs job/dc/mum...it's hard, even though I'd do the same again.
I'm feeling quite negative atm, which is unlike me.
But Spring is nearly here 🌼

Better day today here… dd did her epq presentation which went amazingly well. Fo someone who struggles with social anxiety strangely she is amazingly confident when speaking in front of others in a professional manner and the teacher assessing her was gushing in his praise. I just wish some of that confidence could be used in a more social context.
although she did say she spoke to a new girl this morning so I suppose another minor win.
I can’t believe how much positive news from her changes my outlook and I whizzed through my own work day feeling like I was on top of the world and totally in control. Also started on hrt after my recent surgery which I can feel finally having a positive effect- sleeping better (not great but def better!) Happy weekend everyone, sending love and support to those who need it xxx

It sounds like a lot of us are going through a lot at the moment… half term has been busy for us with lots of appointments, a concert at the O2, a new bike for DD, and she went for a ride on it all day with her friend on my 50th Birthday and did not join us for a modest birthday meal… I came to expect very little from her regarding birthdays etc, she has always found them a bit overwhelming. In the end I just appreciated that she will not always want to do stuff with her parents and my husband and I had a peaceful outing just the two of us when she was also having a good time doing what she enjoyed.

Last week back to school was less stressful and she went in every day without a fuss, we were surprised. But this week the cracks are appearing again.
she got behind her textiles work, and ended up not going in today so she could catch up. I mentioned before that I asked the school twice to let her drop textiles GCSE but they refused on both occasions. I may try one more time as this week she is stressing again, refusing food, feeling sick etc.

And then she met a boy, a real life one, he’s in the posh boarding school in the neighbouring town. A year older than her. It’s too early to see where this will lead but I hope it will not end in a heartbreak at the worst possible time …
so all in all a bit of a whirlwind month and we are nearing the dreaded GCSEs with each passing day. I am just about holding it together, maybe I need to see if I can increase my dose of sertraline. I am currently on the lowest dose since November and it takes the edge off, but I still spiral with anxiety when things are tough with her.

@Mb76
Textiles is very time consuming and dd found it really stressful, as much as she loved it.
You could always just pay for the exam not taken iirc...?
But I'm quite bolshy as an ex school governor of 20 years...schools don't tell me what my child will do or will not do ☺️
You could also speak to the senco re: textiles as its detrimental to her semh to continue?
Dd is working hard and got a merit for her first piece which was what she was aiming for.
Older dd is currently my main concern after her first heartbreak...she's in a bad way.
I swear, these kids tag team their bullshit 😬🙄😫😕

@destiel00 thank you

The Thing is when she picked textiles GCSE in Y9 she was massively into sewing, we bought her a sewing machine, she loved making and amending her own clothes etc. The options were Art or Textiles so we naturally nudged her towards textiles. In reality, textiles turned out not to be what she thought it would be, and the teacher clearly does not like her so she’s very apprehensive about doing any work and gets anxious about being told off for the work not being good enough. With undiagnosed ADHD we know the signs, she puts it off until the last minute, then gets stressed and overwhelmed about it. This is the case with most subjects but it seems utterly pointless wasting all this energy (hers and ours) on something that is not a core subject and will not be useful… although she is just passing it with a 4 atm…
I have one more trick up my sleeve, to talk to a GP and see if they can write a letter to school, someone on this thread suggested this so I may try this. We have nothing to lose.

oh and it was SENDco I was speaking to previously about letting her drop it but I think their hands were tied as the school won’t budge.

Yeah. Drs letter is how I would do it

Good luck

@Awomanofsubstance85 Im glad things are going well -long may it continue. Totally relate to how DCs poor MH impacts you but if they have a good day you have a good day too and vice versa. Its hard to focus and concentrate when youre so worried and they need a lot of support, but when they are good its like a weight has lifted and the sun has come out.
@Mb76 If she doesnt want to continue textiles tgen really push for her to drop it on MH grounds.
I had to do this for one of my DC for food tech for similar reasons. School were very resistant to it but I perserved and got it dropped which immediately relieved her stress levels.

Does anyone else question whether it’s your reaction to your dc that creates these issues?
Dd is struggling at the mo, exam stress and the realisation that her college experience hasn’t been what she wanted it to be (she hasn’t been to a party yet which seems to be a big thing in her head). She has been messaging me lots this week with issues about everyday things that are getting to her. Then on Friday we had a fall out as when I picked her up off the bus I gave her two options for eating and she couldn’t decide. I was calm and simply gave her more time to consider and asked later in the journey- she gave no response so I drove home. Then gave her some alternative options- again no response. I got on with preparations for dinner - cooking something she usually loves. However she later said she’d have liked one of the first options I gave which would have required me to go back to the shops. She accused me of being cross but I tried to explain that I was just tired and irritated by the lack of response. She doesn’t usually struggle with decision making and hadn’t had an extremely stressful day. So now she still isn’t speaking to me (Sunday morning) fine with my husband and even sending him funny photos of the pets that she would usually do to me, als laughing with siblings.It feels like she is punishing me somehow. I’m trying to carry on as usual and invited her out for lunch yesterday as our other children were off out with my husband for a sporting event she wasn’t interested in. She refused lunch and is only replying with one word answers to my attempts at engaging her in conversation.
I can’t help but think that she is asserting power and control over me and this makes her feel better…

To all the mums, holding it together… happy Mother’s Day 🌻
I hope you have had a peaceful and restful day 💐

How is everyone doing?

things are still very much up and down here …
The school has finally agreed to let DD drop Textiles GCSE - which is a win but… she was so close to passing … I hope it won’t do her a disservice by lowering her average grade
she is happy she doesn’t have to do it any more and now she gets curriculum support instead of textiles. Provided she goes in! This term her attendance is 75% and now they are on the final stretch before GCSEs it’s getting harder and harder to get her into school. End of term is Friday and then thankfully 2 weeks off for Easter but I don’t think I can relax worrying about it all

she’s also been having panic attacks lately, we think it may be possibly related to stress and made worse by the pill she was put put on (to help regulate her periods). She’s paranoid about her health and worries something is really wrong with her, one week she’s worried she has a blood clot in her lung, next week she’s freaking out about the MenB outbreak (we are in the SE England but not near Kent), then it’s chest pains, her health anxiety is never ending these days and we have been to the GP weekly. Physically nothing is wrong … it gives her some temporary reassurance then she starts worrying and spiralling again. We’ve discussed medication but the GP is reluctant to prescribe anything at this stage.

the only time she’s more or less happy is when she’s out with her friends so there’s that - she’s been going on long bike rides now the weather is better, which we encourage of course.

Hi @Mb76
Glad the school saw sense and well done to yoh for fighting her corner 👏
Is dd on propranalol? Gps can prescribe it, despite what they tell you. It can be great for anxiety/panic attacks (dd has it when needed)
Things here are ok with dd atm (touching wood here!) But dd1 is really struggling after her break up and I'm pretty sick of her behaviour tbh 😞

@Mb76 I am glad school let your DD drop textiles, having less pressure and a bit more support will help. Don't worry too much about her attendance, our children often need that extra 'time out'. My youngest had an attendance average of 70% during her A-levels! The health anxiety sounds difficult. I think you mentioned something about undiagnosed ADHD, I know when my dd was getting an assessment, the psychiatrist said that anxiety and ADHD often go hand in hand. And she felt that medication for ADHD would help to ease the anxiety. In my DD's case this was true, she's still anxious at times so it isn't a cure but it's at a much lower intensity. Maybe worth discussing with her GP? I also agree that as a first stop, propranolol is worth a try.

@destiel00 sorry to hear about DD1 hopefully she will be over the worst of it soon

Things here are relatively calm after a difficult period. DC1 has come out of what we now know was autistic burnout, got a diagnosis which just means they can now be kinder to themselves and make adjustments in their work, they have a better counsellor and on ADs, all of which seem to be helping. We can all see the light at end of tunnel now which is a relief. My other one is thankfully fine. It does make me laugh that after I got out of the trenches with one of my kids, I had to step straight back in with the other. Fingers crossed I can now spend some prolonged time out!

@Okisenough
I think my two tag team! 😬
Glad your dd is feeling better x

Made it to the Easter hols. Well done everyone… I suspect we were t the only family to be counting down to days so we could have a bit of r&r without the stress of school/college.
Was starting to feel a bit more positive after a few really positive events and today should have been an easy treat day for dd1. She and her best friend were going to tag along with dd2 and hubby who were going to s sporting event. They were going to get dropped off in a city and have a day out together. Usually dd loves days out with this particular friend and they often go out together. She is one of her safe people who she has known forever and I can see my dd being her happy, confined and authentic self with her. Unfortunately dd struggles when she has to be ready for a specific time and the wheel fell off big style when she got anxious while getting ready and her stomach issues reared their ugly head. I tried reminding her that she had had the same earlier in the week when she was off on a school trip but had overcome it and gone on to enjoy the day but she wasn’t for listening. Th really annoying thing was that she refused to let her friend know that she wouldn’t make it and had to cancel. I get the anxiety but I can’t understand not treating her friend better… so she is now upstairs and refusing to talk. I k ow she will be fine as we’ve been there before and we used to have lots of this several years ago but I feel so fearful for her future when she x at make it out with a friend for a fun day out.
she doesn’t want to get any mediation at the mo with exams looming but has agreed to try once exams are over in June… she refuses to see a counsellor or psychologist as she tried in the past and says it didn’t help (it did).
Hope everyone else is having a more positive start to the weekend x

@Awomanofsubstance85 this is tough, and it’s something that has happened with my DD too. What a shame. I hope your DD’s friend “gets” her and no lasting damage will be done to their friendship. How old are they? Hopefully there will be something else they can do in the holidays.

my DD has managed 2.5 days at school this week, thank goodness it’s the Easter holidays! She has been having panic attacks more frequently and they are terrifying for her. We’ve been in and out of doctors every week. Thankfully the doctors are understanding and trying out everything to reassure her. She is to have ECG done and may consider medication after that … provided my DD agrees to have it, at the moment she won’t even take iron supplements or vitamins that she needs.

@Mb76 glad the doctors are being helpful. We’ve had a mixed bag with responses to DD. The brilliant doctor we saw about 12 months ago has unfortunately left the surgery.
Dd is 18 so it feels that time is passing quickly and our hopes that she would ‘come out of the other side’ are fading. Some days you’d hardly believe she struggled and others like today are just so painful.
she is still in her room and refusing to talk. Everything we suggest is met with a firm no so we are just trying to let her be now. Fingers crossed she can see a more positive pathway soon.