Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 8)

[MinionKevin]

Started a new thread as I can see previous OP hadn’t been on for a while.

Link to previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4970868-parents-and-carers-of-anxious-teenspart-7?page=40

Well.
Looks like older dds 2 year relationship is ending.
She's devastated.
Fml.

@destiel00
As hard as it is, it will pass. She will be ok.
Thinking of you and hoping the weekend is calm.
Xx

@destiel00 sorry you are going through a hard time with both of your Dds. It is extremely exhausting. Look after yourself.

we have survived the mocks. Small sigh of relief at least for now

How do you get antidepressants for your children? We were told no antidepressants for under 16s, at least not until a proper diagnosis.

We were told antidepressants for under 16 were almost impossible to get. Also that if your child is ND they can work negatively, it helped push us going through assessment though.

sorry to hear @destiel00

DD has been in hospital with an ongoing stomach issue, we’re actually seeing someone next month but it’s been going on for over 18 months.

Dds bf just dumped her by phone.
Delightful 🤬
Only psychiatrists can px anti depressants to under 18s we were told...
But the gp can prescribe propranalol (and dds did)

Sorry to hear about your dd @MinionKevin 😕
How is she now?

@MinionKevin
Hope you get help with DDs treatment at hospital and she feels better. What a worry!.

@destiel00 what a twat of a bf! Hope she is as ok as she will be at this moment.

She’s okay, still sore. It takes so long to get anywhere though, we’ve been in A&E so many times. Luckily her paediatrician referred her to gastro. Still a wait though and I know it won’t get answered straight away.

DD is not ok..I don't know what's upsetting her and I suspect she will say it is not just one thing but everything. She finds friendships hard and hasn't been going out with the girls. She is a lot with the bf and most weekends are at his but there is something about that bothering her I can tell. It's almost like she feels very tired when she is there and back and she isn't able to tell him that. A levels are a nightmare and she is not doing any studying which is ok by me but she isn't happy about it and not being to accept help toove forward. To cope with it all she is binge eating. I generally don't go into her room but had to drop some clothes yesterday and her room was a tip. Dirty underwear on the floor, clothes everywhere. Ensuite a mess. Found lots of wrappers, tube of Pringles, bottles of coke, a large trifle (family sized) and plenty more.
I don't know what to do.
Part of me wants to not pay her allowance as she uses this to fund her eating but then she learns enough to buy herself.
She also is working every available hour at her job (which is sadly a restaurant) and eating there. This week alone she has worked nearly 20 hours and that's despite a school week.
Should I clamp down or should I be supportive. I want to scream really. Am terrified she is heading towards blood pressure, cholesterol and diabetes issues in addition to her poor MH.
Xx

@DarkChocHolic I don’t have any advice but I feel your frustration and the feeling of not knowing what to do. It’s such an emotional rollercoaster when they are not in a good place. I know that I would do anything to try and help my DD.

You are right to worry about the consequences of binge eating on her health,
for your DD would you / she consider weight loss jabs to help with the emotional binge eating? I have first hand experience with them, and it’s been the best thing I’ve done for myself in decades. Besides the weight loss it’s been great for my mental health and general health. But I appreciate this is very personal so please forgive me if I’m overstepping.

@Mb76
Thank you for the kindness!
Her private psychiatrist has mentioned the jabs a few times. It may come to that at some point but I read so much about the negative effects of it, putting all the weight back on and jabs also requiring the discipline to do sensible eating and exercise alongside.
She absolutely won't do any of it. She just expects help from everyone but won't take on any of the advice. She wants a magic wand. Unfortunately there is isn't one as we all know.
I feel so terrible that there is no help with binge eating disorder as there is with anorexia. I would be ok if the psychiatrist recommended her a inpatient stay for 6 to 8 weeks where her diet and MH is monitored before suggesting jabs. I know one hospital stay won't cure her. She almost needs junk food rehab like alcohol or drug addiction.
I know there are no answers..just venting really.
Last night I went to bed thinking I am stopping her allowance. This morning I feel that would make things worse when she is already so unstable.
Bloody parenting!!
Xx

Im so sorry so many of our DC are struggling atm.
Its an emotional roller coaster and frankly exhausting for us all.
I hope next week is kind for everyone.
My DD isnt in a brilliant place.
Adult MH havent accepted her, just told GP to prescribe her meds which she wants/needs adjusted.
Just a fob off letter which DD says doesnt reflect the conversation. So another battle looming.....
Still waiting for the results her annual review for her EHCP which Im waiting for with baited breath as experience tells me they will be looking to cut some of her provision to save money...

@DarkChocHolic
If im honest it sounds like DD is doing too much.
Its time to priorotise and pull back.
Can she reduce her hours at work or even resign. This isnt a failure , just an acknowldgement she is using all her spoons for her Alevels.
I suspect her BF is using up all her emotional energy too, can she be herself with him or does she need to be "on" all the time?
Also staying at someone elses house takes a lot of energy imo! I think parents hands are often tied by teenage relationships. Could he come and stay at yours? Would she stay over at his just one night a week? So she gets more rest gets to decompress at home at the weekend.
DD had a visual of pea pods or energy batteries for every day of the week. Each pea pod or energy battery had sections , morning, afternoon,evening but each day one pod or cell has to be empty to allow for recharge. At weekends for at least one day had to have two empty pods or cells. Does that make sense?
Dont worry about the room, go in every day and pick up rubbish/plates/dirty washing etc so its hygenic. The rest isnt important in grand scheme if things.
Offer to help her clean and tidy in a non judgemental way , she may say no but pick your battles and right now this isnt the one to pick its a symptom not a cause.
The state of DDs room is one of the things weve really struggled with, its taken me a long time not to stress about it!
The binge eating (something my DD also does ) isnt great but is also a symptom of being disregulated. I hope her medication helps but it does take a while to kick in.

@Runnerduck34
Thank you! I hope your review goes ok and you get what you need from it. Hope your DD feels better. At this point, I guess all of us take what we get in terms or good days. Nothing else we can do!

You are so right. My DD does too much and she nowhere has the capacity for it physically or mentally. She knows the spoon theory but is just a frozen block when it comes to anything rational or sensible. She wont quit work as she likes the money and to be honest it does give her a bit of self esteem when everything seems bleak.
The bf goes come to ours but I can sense they both prefer it at his. He is super tidy and she is ashamed when he visits as he often says to clean her room.
I thought that would spur her on by sadly no.
Don't know what else to do but just plod on...hoping the tunnel does end somewhere.

Hope everyone has a sane and calm week.
Xx

@DarkChocHolic
yes we definitely need to be thankful for the good days and ride out the rough days.

it’s a big positive that your DD enjoys her job and has a steady boyfriend.

we are having another challenging day. DD was absolutely refusing to go in to school today. I managed to get her to the car (a school friends mum is currently giving her lifts there and back which is super kind as we don’t drive). But she kept texting me begging me to come and collect her. I said she would need to go to the school office and call me, which she won’t or they won’t …. And I will have the same battle on my hands tomorrow and every morning. 😩😩😩
I emailed the year group lead and the SENDco lead who have been supporting us this year and asked for a call. I don’t know how I can go on like this for another 5 months.

Thinking of you @Mb76
Poor dd1 is utterly devastated 💔
I'm struggling. She wants to be with me all the time or talking about the same things over and over - which o known is normal but 😕

@Mb76
I understand how you must feel.
DD hardly goes in and she is in Y13. Her attendance hovers at around 60 percent.
I keep telling myself education can be caught up when her mental health is better.
It doesn't make me feel any better but I just repeat it to myself.
Big hugs..it's bloody awful.
I am at work today and feel like crying thinking she is in bed at home rotting away.
Xx

Thank you @destiel00 and @DarkChocHolic

The day got better yesterday. DD stayed a full day yesterday and at break time sneakily requested carrot cake and salad for dinner (texted me but phones aren’t allowed). She then went to a work event with me to keep me company and enjoyed it. Went to bed by 9 and got up bright and early today and hopped to school with another friend. Why can’t it be like this most days … still I am counting this as a win and it means I can enjoy my day off today. I had my final counselling session through work this morning.
the school is going to ring me today to address my concerns… see what they say.

@destiel00 i am sorry your DD is really struggling, I was like that with boys and I can understand why now. My DD doesn’t have a BF yet but I can see my own traits magnified in her so I’m buckling up for what’s yet to come.

@DarkChocHolic Ah it is so hard! I feel like complete failure when I can’t get DD into school… at Y11 she is still legally required to be in full time education but what about Y13 for your DD? What happens with the school when she doesn’t go in? Can they still fine you?

@Mb76
Sounds very positive...hope it continues.
Re: dd1. I'm struggling tbh. I didn't like her bf at all, he was very selfish and just low effort. He made her post grad horrendous dous last year.
But I always made sure he felt welcome here so he couldn't complain about that.
She is convinced she'll never find anyone else, whilst acknowledging the bf behaviour was not ok.
I'm very tired of saying the same things again and again 😕
She's literally just text me to ask of she can phone me and speak on her drive home 😕
I said yes, obviously, but...god, I'm dreading it 😫

Hello, here we are in February already. How are you all doing?

Here things are still touch and go… last week and the week before DD was suffering from massive post mocks fatigue… feeling sick, going to bed at 7.30 (unheard of) … school attendance is 62% this term.
Last week especially not a single day passed where she did a full day… I’m exhausted from it all just as she is 😩
She has some mock results and was pleasantly surprised by getting a 6-5 in English. Maths was 4-3-3. Not had science results back yet, she thinks she did better at biology but not so well in physics and chemistry… she’s in combined foundation for science.

anyway we are looking forward to the February half term for a much needed break.

I hope things are going as ok as can be for you and your DC

I think I’ve found my people! My dd (16) suffers from OCD and anxiety (possibly due to Autism, she has an assessment soon). Since the start of the January term getting to school has been torture for her. It’s got to the point this week where she isn’t making it in at all. She’s seeing a private therapist for CBT but it doesn’t seem to be helping at all. We’re all frustrated and frightened for the future, and her dad and I have no idea how to navigate any of this. Just wanted to delurk, hoping someone can tell me it will get better.

@MilitantFawcett
Sorry you find yourself on our thread but glad you de-lurked for some support.
School avoidance is unfortunately most common for kids like ours who face so many struggles. I am guessing DD is in GCSE year?
If so, it is just compounds the stress.
No magic wand I am afraid just take it one day at a time. I struggled a lot with DD 's school refusal. I have finally come around to the mindset that school is actually bad for her mental health and every day she goes in it sets her recovery back.
Is your DD happier or calmer weekends and holidays?
Sharing from our experience, we have been on this MH journey nearly 5 years. We are still very much in the depth of the tunnel but I can say we are coping much better than we are at the start. Some kids just need more time to navigate all this but they will all get there.
Big hugs..it's bloody hard.
Look after yourself.
Xx

The book "never let go" by Suzanne anderson is a brilliant and comforting read especially
For lot of us who worry about the kid's future.
She says they all have a future. It won't be the same future that we/they thought they will have before their MH journey. It will be a different future and it will be the right one for them.
That is what I remind myself when I am quite low. We don't what it is yet and if we stay curious and support them now, we give them the strength to slowly carve out their new future.

We plod on...
Dd is off now until after half term which is both good and bad...she needs the rest, but struggles with lack of routine.
She's started some work experience. I've booked a last minute week away over easter...I think we all need a change of scene.

@MilitantFawcettthere is some thought about CBT being ineffective with autism if you want to read up about that.

We trundle along back and forth. DD has been very unwell and has missed a chunk of college which has caused some issues. She had a hospital appointment yesterday she was very worried about and has been difficult all week. Resulted in a huge meltdown before. But appointment was fine and she’s passed it now and in a great mood. Such are the ups and downs.

Hey everyone. @MilitantFawcett welcome to the thread. I second Dark's advice on the book, if you don't have the energy to read that right now, she has some short youtube videos which are also helpful, just stick her name in search and they will pop up. My DCs are in their early 20s now and it has certainly been a testing decade for us as a family. A lot of it has been documented on this threads, so I won't rehash it all here. Originally I just assumed it was anxiety but like so many others I soon realised that ND had a huge part to play too. I agree that there is no magic wand and there have been days, weeks, maybe even months when I have wanted to hide under the bed and not come out. It is hard. The following helped - leaving school and going to a different less like school environment, getting a diagnosis and an understanding of what was going on, putting down expectations and letting them take 'days off'. I think it also got better once I accepted that their lives might not follow the same path as neurotypical peers and I let go of the children I thought they would be. There are still many challenges and compared to my friends, my DCs probably still don't appear to be 'adulting' successfully but for me they have made real progress. There are far more better days than not and they are definitely much more independent.