Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 8)

[MinionKevin]

Started a new thread as I can see previous OP hadn’t been on for a while.

Link to previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4970868-parents-and-carers-of-anxious-teenspart-7?page=40

Agree with this ^
Dd hated the school environment by the time she left (small secondary <600 pupils, many of whom she'd been around since primary school)
She's now at a large FE college in a big city, and she is happier there.
Does your dd have any ideas?
Thoughts of the future really made my dd anxious so it was difficult to make plans/advise 😟

@Mb76 welcome to the thread. I am probably a few years ahead with my youngest DD now at university. She is doing much better now with the odd blip but it has been a long journey. When I look back it started in year 7/8 and got worse every year until probably year 11, got a diagnosis at the beginning of Year 13 and then things slowly got better. The phrase two steps forward one step back is very familiar to us all here!

Both my kids are ND so if it's not one it's the other one! It does get better though but it may not be a linear process, more like a roller coaster. Learning that ND children take longer to reach maturity compared to the non ND peers helped me to lower my expectations and feel more patient about things. My own MH was up and down throughout those years but never reached a crisis point, partly because of this thread, a literal life line to be able to rant, share experiences, advice and feel supported. My DH has been pretty good although I have definitely taken on the mental and emotional load, and I still think I carry the scares from that, I am only now beginning to come off high alert. As parents we all put our children first but I would say to please find time for yourself whenever you can.

I wish all of us on this thread where ever we are on the 'journey' all the best going forward and am sending love to all our kids.

Thank you for the warm welcome and kind words of support. I really appreciate you all taking the time to tell me about your experiences.

DD hates school, it’s an all girls school and we are in a three tier school system here so this is her third year. She is definitely not interested in the slightest in doing the Sixth form here and even if she was she would probably not get the grades she would need (maths needs to be 6 or above).
There are several colleges in our area that she can get to, the nearest one is just a 5 minute walk from where we live and several of her friends are most likely going there.

In terms of what she wants to do, she doesn’t really know and it is definitely adding to her anxiety about the future. A lot of it depends on the GCSE results. She has applied for a course in the local college and they emailed to arrange an interview but we haven’t booked it yet.

There was a really helpful session for the SEN parents at school regarding future options past GCSEs and it definitely made things clearer for me to understand what we can do if she doesn’t get the grades she needs to get into her chosen course. But I think at 15, it’s too young to know what you want to do with your life. So we are talking to her about just doing something, anything and that she doesn’t need to plan her whole life right now. I’m nearly 50 and I still don’t know what I would have loved to do with my life in an ideal world!

Mocks start next week and I can feel the pressure building up. I am adapting to take one day at a time, sometimes even one hour at a time.

Yes this really sounds very familiar. Hopefully college will be a much better environment for her. But she also hates change and is very anxious about friendships and being left behind. I’m trying to tell her that she will meet new friends (like she has done since starting this school) but at the moment this isn’t sinking in.

Yes, dd felt exactly that. I really feel for both of you.
Dd has made lots of new friends and has a very busy social life 😊
I kept telling dd it was normal to feel that way, as did her counsellor, bit dd said that us telling her that didn't help 😕

Mocks started today, two down, eleven more to go over the next 10 days.
Buckling up. She came out happy enough, English literature went better than she thought but Biology went worse than anticipated.

@Mb76
Biology is really hard. We encouraged dd to do combined science (as she didnt want to do stem subjects post 16). Our dd1 did triple and it was SO much content.
Great that she feels lit went well 👌

Dd was at counselling yesterday and has now gone to monthly sessions, instead of fortnightly.
It's a year since the counselling began - initially every week - then fortnightly.
I'm taking this as positive progress 🤞

@destiel00 it went well as in she was less stressed and I hope she feels less pressure now. She also was granted extra time which was a massive win without a diagnosis. Also allowed are loops earplugs. And she is in a quiet room for all exams with other SEN children which again relieved pressure. She did not feel like she was the stupid one or the slow one.

@destiel00 good to hear your daughter is making good progress with counselling, wow a year!

She is doing combined science it’s just the exams are all separate
she’s also in foundation in maths

Oh, that all sounds very encouraging 👍
Good that her school are supporting and letting her do combined science and F maths - we really had to fight dds corner on both counts 🙄
It was absolutely the right decision for dd - she didn't want to go into stem post 16.
She ended up with 5s for science and maths so it worked out well for her.

They assessed them through numerous tests since year 9 and assigned levels according to their abilities. I thought this was standard practice in all schools but maybe not? Ours is an Academy trust.

They felt dd could "perform better"
Can't day her mh was a priority to them, sadly

DD drove herself to A&E today as she was distressed and sees no hope for anything. We had no clue as we were at work. The MH team called me this evening and they are keeping her for a few days to assess her and possibly start new meds (which I had collected from the pharmacy this week to begin this weekend).
The nurse says it isn't one thing. DD is just sad and overwhelmed with several things and feels like nothing is helping. I agree with her assessment.
Poor girl is sitting there waiting for a bed. We are asked not to visit and we cannot stay as she is over 18.
I feel very numb..I don't feel sadness or anger or anything.
Wtf is wrong with me.
:-(

Oh @DarkChocHolic
I really hope the new meds help your dd.
I guess it's positive she recognised she was spiralling?
I'm thinking of you xx

@DarkChocHolic
Im so very sorry , you must be beside yourself with worry.
It did strike me what a positive action DD took, it was really brave of her and very insightful.
Really pleased they have taken it seriously and are finding her a bed and hopefully the correct support.
I dont know how you can manage not to go and see her, it must go against every fibre of your being not to jump in the car to be with her.
Are you able speak to her on the phone?
I think the fact she recognised she needed help and drove herself to hospital speaks volumnes about the support youve given her (and although it may not feel like it) how far shes come.
Sending much love and positive thoughts x

@DarkChocHolic
I agree with the previous posters, it is a hugely positive thing that your DD recognised she needed help and acted on it all by herself.
You are numb not because there’s something wrong with you, it’s just your brain is doing what it is supposed to be doing and protecting you.
I hope your DD gets the help she needs and hope you get an update at some point soon.

I am here in the hospital with her now. She did call me in the evening and asked me to come to drop her a few things. When I came she said can you stay for a bit and here I am sitting on the floor of the A&E waiting for her bed. Bless her she is tired!!
Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts.
I may need a lot of sugar and caffeine tonight
Xx

Glad you've got to see her @DarkChocHolic
Bless her, really hope she gets a bed soon.
You are both in my thoughts xx

We didn't get a bed in the end. The MH nurses visited around 10 pm and said the previous doc who talked about admission was wrong and DD wouldn't be eligible for a bed in the general wing and she wasn't severe enough to be sent to the psych hospital. DD was distraught at being misled and waiting for hours on end.
We had serious sobbing and came back home. Sitting there in the A&E is seriously heartbreakimb watching people struggle and the little help that is on offer.
A very old man was waiting to be sent back to the nursing home and had no transport for hours. He didn't even know where he was bless him. Another elderly was asked to spend the night on the chair as they had no beds. Honestly, where are we heading to! Compared to this our visit and the treatment we got seems insignificant. But then, to DD her problems are entirely valid.
We will be starting the quetiapine medication at home today and for what's it worth will be complaining to Pals. Not because we didn't get a bed, but because we were told the incorrect information by the psychiatrist. To a ND person, that causes a lot of distress.
Xx

Thats really poor service.
But I guess the psychiatrist said what they did in good faith.
Will she get any outpatient appts with MH team?
I think the nhs is on its knees and MH services have always been the worst resourced.
I hope the quitiapine helps.
My DD has done ok on it, she was a lot more stable on it but is curtently having a big wobble.
However it has made her put on a lot of weight.
I hope today is a better one.

So sorry to hear your update @DarkChocHolic
I must admit, dds experience in a&e last year was poor.
A leaflet from camhs and a phone call some days later 😕

Oh @DarkChocHolicwhat trauma for you both. Hopefully being home means you’ve both gotten some rest. It’s good she went to ask for help. I hope the new medication makes a difference.

@Runnerduck34
The weight gain on the quetiapine is my biggest worry as most of DD's issues are to do with her weight and body image with the ADHD and the dopamine eating added in.
This is the reason the camhs psych suggested arirpriprazole and she has been on it nearly 2 years. The private psychiatrist recommended the quetiapine and her genetic results show she could metabolise it better and the risk of weight gain is no more than any other drug. So, with this as hope we are starting it tonight. I must say I am very skeptical and at this point, I don't think anything will really help. We just have to sit tight and wait out out for her to turn a corner. However many years that may take!

@DarkChocHolic
That is disappointing to say the least. I can only imagine how exhausting and traumatic it must have been for both of you. How is your DD now? I hope you both got some rest. A&E is the place I would avoid at any cost at the best of times.

We are in day 3 of the mocks and there was only one today but the cracks are starting to appear. This morning was hard. DD was refusing point blank to go in as she was not prepared for history mock. I managed with all my might to persuade her but had to compromise and promise that I would pick her up immediately after the mock. The school authorised this.

She came out saying she did really badly, I was expecting a completely blank exam paper but she did manage to answer some of the questions so hopefully it’s not a complete fail.

Two more tomorrow. I honestly don’t know how the children do this. I think I would buckle under the pressure. For context I did not grow up in the UK so this whole system is not familiar to me. My husband did but he doesn’t remember much and doesn’t think it was as stressful back in the early 90’s when he was at school.