Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 8)

[MinionKevin]

Started a new thread as I can see previous OP hadn’t been on for a while.

Link to previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4970868-parents-and-carers-of-anxious-teenspart-7?page=40

@Mb76
In the 90s gcses were very different, many were 100% coursework. (I did these type of gcses)
Then the tories got into government in 2010 and decided that the current system (linear, rote learning of facts, little practical work, lots of written exams) was better.
Micheal Gove has a lot to answer for imo.
Dd had something like 21 written papers, not including her creative coursework/nea's.
She only had 4 days with two exams, thankfully, but it's an awfully stressful time.
I thought the half term holiday in May would help but she hated it, and it caused another anxiety spiral.
Most of the parents I know said their kids would have preferred to just carry on/get it all finished.

@Mb76
The GCSE mocks are brutal. They try and cram them into a 2 week window and honestly the kids who struggle don't stand a chance. They give up even before they start.
DS is doing his currently and I really feel for him.
I cannot wait for education to be over for my kids.

Xx

I am really sorry to hear about this, your poor DD although yes I agree that recognising things are not good is a positive sign that she wants to make changes. I hope this new medication helps. I agree with your analysis about sitting and waiting. When I look back at my younger DD, things seemed impossible until they didn't and now things look better although I still tense every time I receive a text. With my older one, again things looked very difficult and all I could do was be there and keep my thoughts to myself and we do seem to have turned a corner, still some way to go but I feel much lighter about the situation.

I wanted to say that there is nothing wrong with you or your reaction. We all have had years of trauma reacting to highly emotional, painful and scary situations, often putting our own health at the bottom of the heap. We are all drained and exhausted and when we are in the 'thick of it' we are running on fumes. However you react is just what your body/mind needs to do to survive. I am sending you a big hug and a tight hand hold. My hand hold extends to any one experiencing a setback with their dc or their own MH. You are not alone.

Same here! They have 2 mocks a day for 5 days out of 7 and only 2 days with one mock. I don’t think I could’ve coped. I also think 15 is too young. Why not keep the, in school until 17 and do big exams then?

I read some statistics somewhere a while ago that really stuck with me, that parents of 15 year olds are more likely to divorce/ separate than any other age group and this figure is even higher for parents of girls in this age group. Living through it now I totally believe this. Education and exams set up has been a massive contributor to this in our case. We are hanging on to our relationship and working things out with my DH and I think we have turned some really tough corners but it’s certainly been a very challenging time for us as a couple parenting DD this year.

The uk is the only country (I think) that does important exams at 15/16.
Other countries, its 18/19.
Madness.
Dh and I had a very rough year last year...I can totally believe those divorce stats 😕

@DarkChocHolic how are things? I hope DD is feeling a bit more stable.

I agree exam pressure is a nightmare.
Just too many papers and too many exams, mainly its a memory test.
My DD is doing Alevels but just due to sit Art this year, so lots of coursework too and is really pushing back on the pressure, she has PDA so trying to get her to do anything is a nightmare, and her MH is not good atm, its a rollercoaster and right now we are in a dip.

We had her annual review on Monday, so now waiting with baited breath to see if they will remove any of her provision, my past experiences with AR is that our LA use it as a way of removing provision and reducing expense - regardless of the evidence. The whole process is destabilising and stressful,

I also don’t understand why school starts so early here. In most other countries they start at 6/7 Then do exams when they are 17/18.

I am sorry so many of our children are struggling. My DD didn’t go in today (no mocks today). I also very strongly suspect PDA but she will do things when she can see how they will benefit her directly and swiftly. Long term goals for future rewards are the hardest.

Really struggling today.
My DD didn’t go in on Monday and yesterday as there were no exams. Last night she started feeling sick and having stomach cramps (I think anxiety related but to her they are real).

Business mock today, she doesn’t care about it, lots of shouting from her this morning, meltdown, tears. She was not going to go in. I don’t know what to do in such situations. Call the school and say what?

to make things worse my DH is off today and the shouting woke him up. He immediately gets worked up, starts saying we will take this and that away. This makes it a million per cent worse for everyone. I’m in the middle between them two locking horns and yet there is still the issue of the exam (which she did zero studying for)

I kept trying to talk to her. She kept shouting and pushing me away. In the end with a huge effort on my part she agreed to go in just for the exam and I am to pick her up right after. She did not eat anything and did not take any snacks.
I still need to call the school and let them know I’ll be collecting her after the first break.

In the meantime I also have to talk to my DH (I think he is ND too) and somehow restore peace at home. I am so tired. I can’t do this for another 6 months. But I will.
there are 3 mocks left and I am counting the minutes until the weekend

@Mb76
I'm sorry you've had a horrible few days - I really sympathise x
My own dh was less than helpful at times and it made me view him differently.
Wrt the shouting and pushing - that is something I don't accept. I walk away, take myself off to a safe space...it's not ok that she's being physical with you.
Perhaps you can talk to her about this in a calm moment?
"Dd, if you start to scream at me, or push me, I will walk away. It's not ok"?
I think of the airplane oxygen mask analogy - put your own mask on first. It was this threads posters that made me undersrand the importance of that.
Can you speak to the senco/hoy/exams officer?
If she is getting this stressed, then maybe she can drop some subjects?
Would she want to do this? Would it help her stress levels?
Schools don't like it, but if its a mh/semh issue then they should allow it imo...also, if she really doesn't look like she'll revise/pass, whats the point?
(I'm an ex Chair of Governors of many years...and this is what I would do)
Hope dd is ok after her mock ,x

@Mb76
Am so sorry things are stressful. Ignore DH for now and just focus on you and DD.
If he will be ok with it, tell him to stay out of this till mocks are over and then you can have a chat with him.
For now just keep the peace at home though I know it's really hard for you to do everything with no support.
And if she doesn't make any of the mocks, don't worry..I know it's easy for me to say. DD hasn't gone a few of her Y12 ones and it was not the end of the world. It is what it is. Speak to the school and see if they can support additionally in any way..quiet room, rest breaks etc
It may be too late but still worth a shot
Look after yourself. This will pass!
Bloody exams.
Xx

@Mb76
I was recommended Never let go by Suzanne Anderson my posters on this thread.
She has a YouTube channel, too.
You might find it useful x

@destiel00 @DarkChocHolic Thank you both 🙏

She didn’t physically push me away, I meant verbally- she was telling me to leave her room.
I talked to DH in small chunks drip feeding relevant bits of information about how her ND brain works differently from a NT one, how shouting is a reaction and how an meltdown needs to peak and then she calms down eventually, which she dodo. It worked and he has calmed down now.

I picked DD up after the mock. We stopped for a builders cuppa in a greasy spoon cafe (something different - never done that before), to get away from the rain and talked. She was visibly relieved it was over for today and is fine to go in tomorrow and Friday.
it was just this one that she was fretting about.
she also does not love Textiles and asked to drop it before but the school said it was too late and didn’t let her. Maybe I will ask them again. They definitely don’t like to do this - I got this impression

Thank you, I will look this up!

@DarkChocHolic Thank you for saying this, I appreciate your perspective and it definitely helps

And if she doesn't make any of the mocks, don't worry..I know it's easy for me to say. DD hasn't gone a few of her Y12 ones and it was not the end of the world. It is what it is. Speak to the school and see if they can support additionally in any way..quiet room, rest breaks etc

She has been granted all the access arrangements this year that I was asking for (in the grounds of MH) so she’s got the extra time, rest break and quiet room. On that front I can’t fault the school. This year they have a new SENDco (not new to the school but she volunteered for the head of SENDco) and she is brilliant.

There is a Facebook group called parenting mental health which is by Suzanne anderson. The author of Never let go. The book is really good. I recommend. The first few chapters hit me hard and I felt like she was narrating our story.
Glad DD was ok after the mock@Mb76
One thing out of the way...hope you rest and recharge tonight.
Good on you for taking her out for a drink. I know it's little things like this that make the difference. Though, I must admit at times I feel so much anger I wish I didn't have to do it. Then I tell myself, it's not anger at DD, it is about this whole sad situation and it's not her fault and get on with it.
Xx

@Mb76
Glad your dd is ok now.
Honestly? Worst the school can do is make you pay for exams entered but not taken...might be worth making clear you're prepared to do that?
You can also talk about their progress 8 score (textiles will not count towards that)
I get infuriated by the schools/DofE tbh. Surely 5 good gcse passes is better than a kid who is so stressed they don't sit any!?

The whole exam board system is very baffling to me as well as the costs associated with exams. How much do they usually cost?

We could be prepared to pay if it’s not crazy expensive to save everyone stress associated with these exams.

Thank you for the Facebook group recommendation @DarkChocHolic - I’ve submitted my request to join.

I'm not sure...it'll be different fir each exam board

@Mb76would the school accept a letter from the GP asking she be excused from exams she doesn't want to do?
It is worth a shot.
Our GP was very supportive and was willing to give a letter saying anxiety and back off to school. Really, only maths and English GCSE are needed. Anything over and above is a bonus.
My friend works in camhs and she often says Jan to June are their worse period with the exam stress.
Xx

The main exam boards in England are:
Edexcel
AQA
OCR
Edequas
Some subjects are outliers and like media - WJEC
Hope that helps.
Definitely get the gp/camhs on board so they can give school letter/email

That’s an idea! Thank you @DarkChocHolic it’s definitely worth a try! We will see what results she gets for these mocks and try to approach dropping a couple again, and enlist help from CAMHs or GP.

Dd had a bad day/night.
Lots of frustration yesterday with college and tech not working, forgotten book, a part of a project hasn't worked out.
So thats triggered the whole "I'm rubbish at this, is this the right course etc..." then the vomiting.
Sigh.
It's deadline day for the workbooks today. I did get her to admit - in a very roundabout way - that her work is "pretty good".
I'm shattered. And fed up. Add on dd2s relationship woes and its been a fun 24 hours 😕
She's going into college, but has had a propranalol.

@destiel00
Sorry to hear! It is draining as we never know when this will spring up!
On the plus side, your DD has gone to college and has been doing her work to a good standard. Hang on to these little things...
Xx

I'm trying...
And I know its great that she's gone in, but deadlines won't stop. Sigh.
Lack of sleep making me feel sorry for myself.