I let my soulmate go 10 years ago and I can’t move on

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

Just that.

It’s eating me up and I don’t know what to do. I was younger and foolish back then and didn’t realise how good I had it.
He was literally the love of my life.

I tried reaching out to him two years ago and he did respond via email, letting me know how he was doing. But that’s the only contact we’ve had in almost 10 years.

We were together for 6 years and were looking at houses together when we separated.
Partly it was down to me having cold feet/getting bored, which I’m so ashamed of now.

I’ve even still got some of his family on my Facebook.

I don’t know how to move past this. I’ve had relationships since (and before) and none have been anywhere close to the happiness and bond I felt with him.

I am so lost and I don’t know what to do.

No don't do this

You need to write the letter but you are dumping your emotional load onto him. That's grossly unfair.

He's already given you your response through his silence.

This is just ick.

I can understand where you are coming from and I'm sorry you are feeling like this, nothing worse than regret.

However, I can't help but agree with others that it probably is a case of rose tinted specs. I ask this kindly, are you perhaps feeling like this because you are feeling lonely and haven't found someone else? Is it him you want or where you want to be in life, settled down with someone? You had the opportunity of having where you now want to be with him and have got a romanticised idea in your head about what it'd be like if you had stayed together. It isn't uncommon to often think about your first love, especially if it was yourself who ended it and you didn't find anyone else you feel the same about.

Not the same thing but many years ago, my first love ended it with me and for years I struggled to get over him. I was sure he was my 'soul mate', etc, no other guy matched up and he was the only guy I had thought about settling down with (he had said he wanted to settle down with me when we were together). Even though it wasn't my decision to end it, I thought he was only guy for me ever and felt so lonely. However, I then met my now DH and no longer feel like this in fact I barely think about my ex anymore, because I now have what I had with him with my dh, but better! During a moment of boredom a few years ago I found my ex on facebook and looked at his page (if I had seen that facebook page years ago, I'd have been over him much quicker 😂 ).

I think you need to find a way to move on. Only other thing is, you find out if he is still single and contact him to get it out your system. Personally, I wouldn't given fact he didnt reply to your last email, but only if you felt you really had to hear a definitive yes or no. I'd advise you to get yourself out there and move on

Absolutely not! This is a really really odd thing to do to someone who clearly isn't interested in talking with you/having any kind of further relationship with you. Leave him alone. If he wanted any kind of communication with you he would have reached out to you when you emailed him 18 months ago. He doesn't want contact from you.

You may look back and see an amazing guy that you love, but he wasn't the right guy for you then, and that guy most likely doesn't exist the way you picture him now.

When you broke up, it sounds like you had health difficulties and he had a porn addiction, so maybe neither of you were in a place where that relationship would have worked.

Now, you can look back and see an idealised version of him, where you don't have to worry about any character flaws or irritating habits. But that wasn't him then and it's not him now.

Before you go digging up a potentially upsetting past, what do you actually want from him? Closure? To try again?

Just saw your update. I would first find out if he is single and not married with young children. Would you really want to make a move on someone with a partner/wife and family?

If he is single, as I said in my last post, if getting a definitive answer would put this to bed for you, then fair enough go for it, but be prepared for it perhaps not working out how you think.

Have you given any thought to whether he has a partner or not, and if he does, how much disruption this could potentially cause in his new relationship? If you have any respect for him at all then you won't do this. Why would you cause upset in the life of someone you profess to care about? That's the height of selfishness and shows you're only thinking about your own agenda with no thought to the life he's built without you. If I received a letter like this I'd be aghast.

There are lots of true loves—but that doesn’t mean they are “one true loves.” In fact studies show that the happier you are in a relationship the mire likely you are to get remarried after a loss. That indicates that even—or especially—people who have experienced profound attachment can have more than one.

You really will benefit from taking some time to work on yourself. You are cutting off your nose to spite your face with this resentful obsession with the one that got away.

Yes it’s closure I’m wanting, I know it’s probably very unlikely he’ll want to try again with me.

It didn’t really ‘end’ properly so it feels unfinished in a way. But maybe I should write the letter but not send it. I’m worried I’ll always regret it if I don’t though.

Don’t send a letter. In your head it might sound like a romantic gesture, but in reality it’s really weird and unsettling behaviour.

Go into therapy, read some books, this romance is all in your head at this point.

If he let him go, he wasn’t the love of your life or a soulmate.

Write it. Don't send it.

Then you have to assume he still does, and don't try to get in touch again. It would be disrespectful if you did.

Is an email less unsettling than a letter?
i don’t know.

He did reply to my email at the end of 2022 ; he just didn’t respond again when I sent a reply.

Maybe I shouldn’t send the letter, I don’t want to come across like a stalker.

An email is no less unsettling than a letter. It's the same thing via a different medium. If he wanted to talk to you he'd have responded to your last email. He didn't...

Don't send anything. Try to find out via friends maybe if he's still with his partner, or if they have a child now etc. No point saying anything if he's happily coupled up.

Don't send it. Be your own closure. Write it if you need to, then burn it and let that idea of him stay in the past.

Interesting that when it's all theoretical, your comments OP are all, doesn't anyone believe in true love, he's my soulmate etc.

But when you actually think about getting in contact with him for real, you realise, oh I'm going to look like a stalker, this is weird, he's obviously not interested, it's just I need some closure.

You're stuck in the fantasy world where everything is perfect. You KNOW it's not reality. Which is why I said look for resources on limerence. That's what you're experiencing, but you can get past it. I think you had closure, when he didn't respond to your last email. He let you know that he's not interested in reuniting with you. That's closure. It's already done.

Poems and love songs are written about moments in time. They’re not representative of real life long-term relationships. I’m a 20 year veteran and while I still fancy my DH and get excited when I see his texts and calls pop up, most of the time our relationship is comfortable and fun rather than anything you’d write a poem about.

There are boring moments because life has boring bits. Washing each others’ pants. Meal planning for the week. Arguing over whose turn it is to clean the bathroom. Part of being in love for us means that we’d rather do the boring bits together than with anyone else.

Write the letter and burn it.

If he wanted you in his life, he would have replied to your last email in 2022. He didn’t. That’s your closure. That’s your answer. There is no probably doesn’t want to get back together about it.

Leave him alone and get over these feelings with a therapists. Your are in this ‘relationship’ on your own now. He’s not your soul mate.

You need to let this go and look to your future.

There is one more reason I want to contact him. As he doesn’t have social media and I haven’t heard from him since end of 2022 I’m wanting to see if he’s doing okay. He has always struggled with his mental health as I put earlier in the thread. So that’s one of the reasons. I don’t know how to check he’s okay.

You contacting him won't do his mental health any good. Leave him alone!

He may have social media. But you may be blocked so you can't see it.

I honestly do care about him and I’m worried that he’s okay. That’s genuine and not an ulterior motive.

Good grief! Leave him alone. You are being weird and obsessive.

You’re looking for every and any excuse to contact him. You know he would have contacted you again by email if he wanted to? You need to find your own way of closing that chapter and it shouldn’t involve dragging this man into it. It’s not going to help either of you.
It is easy to look back with rose tinted glasses but life moves on.