I let my soulmate go 10 years ago and I can’t move on

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

Just that.

It’s eating me up and I don’t know what to do. I was younger and foolish back then and didn’t realise how good I had it.
He was literally the love of my life.

I tried reaching out to him two years ago and he did respond via email, letting me know how he was doing. But that’s the only contact we’ve had in almost 10 years.

We were together for 6 years and were looking at houses together when we separated.
Partly it was down to me having cold feet/getting bored, which I’m so ashamed of now.

I’ve even still got some of his family on my Facebook.

I don’t know how to move past this. I’ve had relationships since (and before) and none have been anywhere close to the happiness and bond I felt with him.

I am so lost and I don’t know what to do.

You do know, OP, that there is no such thing as "a soulmate"? We marry the people who are right for us and in the right place, at the right time. A lot of it is luck. But this person evidently wasn't right for you and your difficulty is that you are looking back with rose-tinted spectacles. Time to look forward.

I’m 35 now.
He’s the same age.

I don’t think I am idealising it, I really do believe in true love and that sometimes it’s a case of wrong time, right person.

I can hand on heart say I’ve never loved anyone more or as much as I did with him.

When he replied at end of 2022, I sent another email back, but he didn’t reply to that one. Although in the reply he had sent, he asked me questions about my life, so he obviously wanted to continue the communication. I tried asking some back and answering the ones he asked, but he never replied after that.

I experienced this OP many years ago so I know exactly how you feel. Like you we'd been together for 10 years and it was my decision to end it. I regretted it for years (he moved on, married with a child) but I realised eventually that what I was missing was my best friend, not a romantic partner, which is essentially what we were - just best friends.

You're missing the security of knowing a person inside out and the comfort that brings. You're probably not missing the actual person.

It's hard but try to remember how you felt when you broke up with him rather than how you feel now. You will meet someone else, and yes it takes time to build up a bond similar to the one you had with someone for 10 years but it will happen.

Why would some man that you broke up with for reasons best known only to you, have any interest in anything other than a quick reply courtesy email?

Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, he doesn't like you very much and possibly even hates you?

"I'm leaving you because you're boring"
That is going to leave a mark on anyones soul.
It hurts a lot. You're just going along, as best you can, then boom.. 'you're boring, its over, I'm leaving'

What do you expect?
Every day to be a cabaret?
Song and dance routines whilst they're having a shit?
Stand up sets whilst cooking an Everyday Value microwave meal for tea?

Take down the pedestal. Delete his family and connections from SM. Realise what damage you did and don't ever ever contact him again because you regret the choice you forced him to accept.

If you were that in love with him, wild horses wouldn’t have been able to drag you away. I think you’ve got to a stage where life hasn’t worked out quite as you’d envisioned and you’d quite like to be settled down. He’s the closest you’ve ever come to it, you were fond of him and so you’ve convinced yourself that he’s the key to the life you want. It wasn’t right man, wrong time. It was right circumstances, wrong time.

I mean this with kindness but him asking you questions was him being polite. If he’d wanted to carry on the conversation he would have replied. The fact that he didn’t tells you everything you need to know. He has moved on.

No response to your reply is a very clear message from him. Plus, you say he had a partner at the time.

Perhaps at that point, he knew it would be disrespectful to his partner to keep in touch so he didn't reply.

Respect his wishes op. If you truly love him, then leave him be.

sometimes it’s a case of wrong time, right person.

I don't think so. That's the person he was then and you didn't want that whole buying a house and going to IKEA thing, it was boring to you so you ended it. Now you are in your mid-thirties so you are now at the house buying time of your life so it has made you think of this man as if he's your true love but he isn't. He just now fits in with what you want. You dumped him because you were not enjoying being with him.

He's not that same person now a decade later and you aren't either.

I think you're probably a bit bored and lonely now, which is why you're fixating on this relationship and seeing it through rose-coloured specs.
So I would look to address that.

“ he asked me questions about my life, so he obviously wanted to continue the communication. “

That’s just polite chit chat, wanting to catch up. Don’t read anything romantic into it.

Also, you say you’re 35. Are you looking at your life and see it ticking by?

Apparently quite a few of these ‘Lost Love’ relationships go on to be successful but not if 1 or both parties are in relationships. There was a researcher based in California that studied it and wrote a book about it. I think it’s worth reaching out to him again and checking if he’s available. If he is it’s worth pursuing imo. If not it’s probably best to go cold turkey. I’m 46 now and I have lost count of the number of my friends that have either contacted or been contacted by old flames. I do think is very common and it can work out if the situations allow.

I understand.

I had an amazing loving clever kind boyfriend when I was 20 we dated for 2 years. His family was lovely and supportive. I didn’t come from that - I came from abuse and my parents kept saying he was boring. I dumped him and two years later he married a girl I knew - and they have the life I wanted three children, country and his family around for support. I think of him often. But although I really do think he made me very happy, I didn’t make him happy. I ended it and he was distraught. So in the end I’m glad he had the amazing life with someone who recognised him and what he had to offer as special and not mess him around.

Years later I fell in love at about 25 again with a man who was 55 and although we came brilliant friends because of the age gap I didn’t even contend with making it more intimate. Given I then went from abusive to abusive relationship - and then single for the last 5 years. He is a very fit and active 80 year old and I still think I could of had a happy 25 years tucked in with him.

The honest fact is you might feel you should be with him but the fact is it’s highly unlikely an ex will ever feel the same way. You could ask after him via a family member or email him again saying you still have strong feelings for him but also respect and if he is a relationship you would never mention it - but ask them if he is single. They is no guarantee even if single he wants to meet as we all change

But he didn't "obviously" want to continue the communication because he didn't answer your subsequent email? If he wanted to maintain contact he would have. I think you're looking at this all wrong OP. People don't leave their soulmates because they get "bored".

He wasn't and still isn't your soulmate. If he had been, you'd not have let him go. The whole point about knowing when you've met your soulmate is that you don't get cold feet, there are no doubts or fears and it feels like coming home. It doesn't feel like a foreboding sense that you might be settling.

What's happened here is that you are now 35 and when you walked away from him you never in a million years envisaged that you'd still be single ten years later. You are now in a state of panic at not having met anyone better than him that has wanted to settle down with you, so you wish you'd not let go of the best offer you had in search of a better one. You wish you could turn back the clock and settle on what you had, rather than face an uncertain future with a loudly ticking biological clock. That's the truth of it.

When you feel overwhelming sadness and regret, it's not the lack of him specifically in your life that you are regretting. It's that life hasn't worked out as you'd hoped.

If he still had any feelings for you, or was even just a bit curious and single, he'd have been back in touch by now. But he deserves to be someone's first choice, not your safety net or consolation prize.

The thing is, I wasn’t actually bored at the time, I thought I was. I’ve since been diagnosed with ADHD which also explains my impulsive decisions at the time (and at other times in my life that have also caused problems).

There were other issues too that I didn’t state in the earlier post. Quite a few months after we broke up he later emailed me to say he was struggling with an addiction to porn (I didn’t want to put that in the original post as I was embarrassed) and that had an impact on our sex life. In that email he apologised, said he loved me and didn’t want to hurt me.
I was quite taken aback and upset about it, but in hindsight I should have told him it didn’t matter and we could work through things together.

Porn addiction? No thanks.

I met my “Soulmate” when we were 18. We dated for a few years but neither of us was ready to settle down yet. We both travelled, worked abroad in different places, built careers, lived life ………… but we were in constant contact the whole time - visiting each other often, love letters, phone calls, etc while we took time to grow up. I was never bored of him, we adored each other the whole time. Wild horses wouldn’t have kept us apart. We’re now happily married for 20 years with 4 children.

My point is - if he was “the one” then you wouldn’t have walked away because you were bored, regardless of your young ages.

I suspect he was a nice guy who treated you well, but the spark wasn’t there. You understandably wanted more. You thought you would find passionate love with someone else, but unfortunately didn’t. Now you are 35 you are still seeking your soulmate - but if you went back to him it would be “oh well he was the nicest guy I met, I didn’t find what I was looking for, I guess I’ll go back and settle for him.” Its not a case of wild passionate love that slipped through your fingers. And he’s not even the same man he was 10 years ago, so you are just idealising and making up a version of him in your head. And that’s not even fair in him if you went back to settle for him because you didn’t find anything better in ten years - that’s even if he’s interested in you now.

It’s sad you haven’t met your person, but it’s definitely not him, you need to focus your energy into dating and finding a new person.

Given your update I think you made the best decision for yourself.

Is there a chance that your memory of the relationship has become distorted over time? You were bored and got cold feet 10 years ago - that would have had a basis in something?

Is this more about the fact that you haven’t met anyone else that you like since and, perhaps, are clinging too hard to the idea of a ‘soulmate’? As individuals who change and grow over the course of our lifetimes, can there be such a thing as a soulmate, one that remains so and changes in tandem with us?

Rose tinted specs. If you keep looking back you will never be able to look forward.
He could have turned out to be an abusive arsehole. You could have been desperately unhappy. Nobody can change the past (unfortunately) but you still have the future. Go out and make the most of it!!

You are seeing this through rose tinted glasses.

I appreciate that your username implies that life is a series of right and wrong, black and whites, but sorry to say this really isn't the case. You seem to be trying to rewrite history based on your diagnosis which I think is woefully unfair on you. You made that decision then as it was right for you then, and then you moved on. For whatever reason, you are now stuck in a cycle of looking back and regret, is this familiar to you in some way? Have you done this before? The term soul mate is all well and good, but the reality is that we put pretty high stakes onto the relationship when we start throwing out terms like this and unbelievably high expectations on other people. It is too much I think. There is also the danger that we look back and idealise someone and we forget the reality of the situation, which it sounds a little like you are doing now. Sorry OP. I am only commenting like this as I used to function like you and it was only when I was more aware of the fairy tale like stories i was telling myself was I then able to cycle.

If he wanted to he could have made something of your email let’s have a coffee ect he didn’t and it speaks volumes …move on he has

I always worry when I read on MN someone starting a post with "he is my soulmate". For some reason they then go on with an op that very obviously states the poster was not their partners "soulmate" and the hurt and grief these OP go through as they try to get over these "soulmates" is painful to watch (read). I have a couple of ex boyfriends/wannabe boyfrieds that haven´t left my mind but i think they are appear more forcefully when my present is difficult and disappear when it isnt. I think it is our minds playing games on us.
Recognise this for what it is.

I get you, OP.
I settled for my husband, decent man, comfortable life, but will never stop thinking
"What if".
You just live with this until something changes.
Reality.
😬