I let my soulmate go 10 years ago and I can’t move on

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

Just that.

It’s eating me up and I don’t know what to do. I was younger and foolish back then and didn’t realise how good I had it.
He was literally the love of my life.

I tried reaching out to him two years ago and he did respond via email, letting me know how he was doing. But that’s the only contact we’ve had in almost 10 years.

We were together for 6 years and were looking at houses together when we separated.
Partly it was down to me having cold feet/getting bored, which I’m so ashamed of now.

I’ve even still got some of his family on my Facebook.

I don’t know how to move past this. I’ve had relationships since (and before) and none have been anywhere close to the happiness and bond I felt with him.

I am so lost and I don’t know what to do.

Yearning after someone you've idealised is easier than going through the process of finding someone new. That's totally understandable. Dating is tough. I went through this a bit with my ex but I'm so, so glad we didn't get back together (because he's a tool). I'm a million times happier now with someone else but it was hard for a while, sure. You worry no one else will love you but they will. Or some realise they're happier by themselves. Whichever is fine.
For the record, I don't believe in soul mates. I think relationships involve a lot of work and it's a mutual agreement between two people who like each other enough to keep carrying on.

OP, you re yearning more for a state of mind, a set of circumstances, an energy in the relationship than the guy itself.
Everything has changed in the last 10 years, even if you take the same people, it will never be the same.
You can't get that moment back, you can't get the guy back, but by contemplating over why it has had such a pull on you, you can find the bits that made the relationship special and look for them in other people, for the woman you are today.

When I was young and for way too long and for way too many underserving guys, I was a limerence specialist, and it was so painful to be perpetually in agony, to be submerged by this constant, impossible yearning and pain of feeling unloved, ignored, alone.

I wasn t feeling like this because these guys were wonderful, but because of me, my traumatic upbringing and low self-esteem, that made me cling to any illusory hope of happiness and safety way too hard and way too long.

I didn't have the strength to accept basic truths like the fact there are millions of other men and I would be better off trying out with them rather than eternally pining for a single one, that I can stand on my own 2 feet whatever my dating status, that I deserve happiness and I deserve a guy who instinctively likes me and wants me, not a guy I should wait for, convince or engineer stuff to get there, that I deserve to have my life (and all my waking hours of thought) not reducing myself to powerlessly waiting for something external to happen...

And of course my romantic life only fell into a good place after I got this strength for seeing things as they are and all the good stuff I actually had going on for myself, but letting go of even this illusion, I know it s hard, because if you cling to it so much even if it doesn t really exist, it s because you feel it s all you ll ever have, but that s not true, OP, that s not true.

I hope you get there OP, because I really remember how you feel, massive hugs

Why a yoda voice

You were bored. You didn't love him enough to stay even though you were on your way to a house together etc. It must have been hard to break up but you clearly had good reasons.

On top of that, he has a porn addiction and the sex wasn't great.

As pp have said, you're romanticising the past. Let it go, and focus on finding love and contentment in your life now.

Leave him alone.

It happens, a match close enough, but missing something. It is a pity because it hurts people.
You need to move on from that.
Next match should have it all?

Oh, I read your update.
So there were personal things amiss with each of you at the time.
He had a porn addiction he had not disclosed.
You did not know you had ADHD.

But, the main issue is that you have not moved on from the split.
You had a chance to fight for him (when he explained). He had the opportunity to try to get you back when you got back in touch.
I think you would be better to look elsewhere.

You don’t know him now to know he’s your soulmate, you just want the version he was 10 years ago as it now suits what you want. If he wanted to continue communicating with you, he’d have replied and if you truly wanted to be with him, you wouldn’t have waited another 2 years to do so. I don’t mean to be harsh but you’re fantasising about a person you don’t know any more.

The whole concept of 'soulmate' is flawed. There are over 7 billion of us on this planet, and only one is meant for each of us? That's clearly nonsense!

My suspicion is that you are torturing yourself over this but not being entirely honest with yourself.

You broke up with him for reasons that were right for you at the time. You aren't an idiot, they were legitimate reasons. Believe yourself. The porn thing is a big red flag for starters! I would put money on it that if you got back together, those other reasons would come flooding back to you very quickly!!!!

No partner is perfect. No partner completes us. Having a partner can be wonderful, but we also need to get our personal needs met from other relationships, work and hobbies in our lives.

What is it that you're missing in your current life that you think this man is going to magically provide you with? This is a good time for self reflection and working out what it is that you want. Don't fool yourself that he is the solution.

If he hasn't replied again, then he has let you know how he feels about it. He has created a boundary which it is probably better to respect.

Move forward. Seek what you need outside of relationships, as well as seeking a new partner you can bond with using everything you've learned in 35 years... You're older and wiser and have come so far. You will find a wonderful new person.... it's not him.

You are in love with a fantasy that doesn't exist.

You and your ex live in a place together that no longer exists.

I spent a year living abroad and I sometimes wish I could go back. But I know it just would never be the same. Places have been demolished and the people I shared it with aren't there anymore.

It's an untouchable moment in time. And it's wonderful. More wonderful than when I lived it.

You can't live your life looking back. You can only live in the here and now and learn to let go.

I kept in touch with someone for many years who was dear to me. He still is. But I didn't really have much to say to him and our lives have both moved on. I was doing all the leg work. I made a conscious decision to let go a couple of years ago.

I still love him dearly. I still dream of him occasionally. But it's not real. It's chasing something that's gone a long long time ago.

Make new memories. Live your life rather than regretting something that doesn't exist.

X

Thanks for all the comments. I’ve woken up feeling really deflated this morning. I just wish I could snap out of this. It doesn’t help when your life feels so different to how it could have been with that person.

He was being polite asking you questions. If he’d wanted to reignite anything he’d have replied to the email at the very least.

Do you think this is age catching up with you?

I would suggest talking to a counsellor to understand what’s driving these feelings. You do need to move for your own happiness.

I think you are making huge assumptions about how it would have been. You split up for a reason. You are focusing on “what if” because there is something missing from your life and thinking that “if only” you stayed together your life would be great So you are stuck in the past. Stop putting him on a pedestal and work on your life and make it about you. Stop making your happiness dependant on something that doesn’t exist

So does no one believe in true love and despite how much time has passed you can still truly love somebody?

There have been so many poems written about this over the centuries and so many love songs, people do obviously experience it.

I believe in true love. I just don't believe that what you've described in your posts is true love. Certainly not on the part of your ex. At best, you're infatuated. But that's not love. And you wouldn't have left him if it was "true love".

You are looking at it through rose tinted glasses. I find it almost impossible to believe that if you were truly that happy and in love with him that you'd have let it go based on being bored. You need to throw yourself into meeting someone else. If that doesn't work and you still believe you have strong feeling for him, then reach out and let him know. If he's moved on and doesn't feel the same then he is not your soul mate.

@BodyKeepingScore So no one can make a mistake? I don’t agree with what you’ve said. He was struggling with his mental health which included the addiction and was finding it difficult to be in a relationship. My biggest regret is letting him go, I was young and stupid and I think true love can happen in many ways.

I have read of people getting back together with ex partners after 25 years even. After kids, marriages etc.

True love is a reciprocal thing though. If he was in love with you wouldn't he have replied to your last email instead of ignoring it? I'm unsure why you're so reluctant to take on other people's perspectives? I haven't seen anyone here agree with you and yet you persist with the notion that he is your soulmate? The likelihood is you're looking back with rose tinted glasses. He's obviously moved on from you (whether that be in a new relationship or simply in his life in general) and you seem to be holding on to some ideal that he was "the one" despite the fact he doesn't feel the same way. I look back fondly on relationships I had in my early 20s. I had fewer responsibilities so it's easier to view them with the same rose tinted glasses you are but that doesn't mean any of those people were my soul mates. You seem fixated on this guy for some reason.

OP, google "limerence". It might be you are stuck in this emotional state because it's "safer" in some way than moving on with your life.

The alternative is that you call him, say, I'm still madly in love with you and I think we are soul mates and see how I respond. I expect you're not doing that because some part of you know it sounds insane. But if you want to put an end to your delusions about him, this might be a way of doing it.

Porn addiction? That's quite the drip feed
You've dodged a bullet there

Yeah that can happen, my mum did that. However its the exception not the rule.

I do.

This isn't it.

Otherwise youd still be with him and he'd be responding to you.

Please, please try to get past this feeling. I have held onto the same feeling for 26 years through a good marriage and 5 children. It is a waste of energy that you could be putting towards something positive in your life. My therapist told me that the thought of him is like a drug for me. I'm still a work in progress but it is finally improving

I am thinking of writing a letter and sending it. I still have his address and from the last communication he still lives there.

Just putting everything into the letter once and for all.
He’s still got the same number so I could call him like a previous poster has said, but I would really struggle to say what I wanted to say.

Well at least send it recorded delivery so that if he doesn't reply you won't torture yourself thinking he didn't get it.