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Original poster

I let my soulmate go 10 years ago and I can’t move on

297 replies

Lifeinblackandwhite · 12/04/2024 06:59

Just that.

It’s eating me up and I don’t know what to do. I was younger and foolish back then and didn’t realise how good I had it.
He was literally the love of my life.

I tried reaching out to him two years ago and he did respond via email, letting me know how he was doing. But that’s the only contact we’ve had in almost 10 years.

We were together for 6 years and were looking at houses together when we separated.
Partly it was down to me having cold feet/getting bored, which I’m so ashamed of now.

I’ve even still got some of his family on my Facebook.

I don’t know how to move past this. I’ve had relationships since (and before) and none have been anywhere close to the happiness and bond I felt with him.

I am so lost and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Nicetobenice67 · 12/04/2024 10:06

GingerPirate · 12/04/2024 09:57

I get you, OP.
I settled for my husband, decent man, comfortable life, but will never stop thinking
"What if".
You just live with this until something changes.
Reality.
😬

Exactly that I was young when I settled gown 16 he was a little older …married kids house I got board cheated split regretted it ever since 20 years on oh well that’s life

LettersOfTheAlphabet · 12/04/2024 10:16

I think someone can be your soul mate at one point in time but that doesn't mean they always will be, if that makes sense? I had this crazy connection with my first serious relationship,would know if he walked I to a crowded room (even if I was not expecting him), my skin literally tingled when we touched, would pick up my phone just as he started to ring etc etc. Due to being young and immature and him being in the army and away on exercise for 6 months we broke up. I was devastated. 2 years later I bumped into him on a night out as 'our song' played. We kissed... and it just wasn't the same. He asked if we could try again and I said no. I felt like we'd constantly be trying to recapture what we'd had before. But whatever 'it' was, had gone.

I've never felt the same either before or since, but I'm confident I made the right decision.

I truly believe that in life what is for you won't go by you. So he's not the man for you.

JFDIYOLO · 12/04/2024 10:23

Contact him.

Tell him exactly how you feel.

Hopefully he will reply, and let you know the situation.

He may be happily married /partnered / familied up. In which case back off. Especially if he asks to meet you ...

And especially if he tells you not to contact him again.

You do not want to stir up a cheater or become a stalker.

He may be alone, unhappy and missing you, feeling the same. In which case, why not give it a shot. You may both have matured into each other's The One.

It may fail, as you may remember the faded bit; exactly why it didn't work then.

Either way, knowing will be better than wondering and eating yourself up over this.

Stop wallowing, get contacting.

xsquared · 12/04/2024 10:39

JFDIYOLO · 12/04/2024 10:23

Contact him.

Tell him exactly how you feel.

Hopefully he will reply, and let you know the situation.

He may be happily married /partnered / familied up. In which case back off. Especially if he asks to meet you ...

And especially if he tells you not to contact him again.

You do not want to stir up a cheater or become a stalker.

He may be alone, unhappy and missing you, feeling the same. In which case, why not give it a shot. You may both have matured into each other's The One.

It may fail, as you may remember the faded bit; exactly why it didn't work then.

Either way, knowing will be better than wondering and eating yourself up over this.

Stop wallowing, get contacting.

This is very poor advice given she's already contacted him at least twice since she "let him go". This is reality not a chapter of One Day.

He replied the first time, told her he's got a partner and then didn't reply to the second message she sent him.

If she doesn't get a reply, then it can mean the following:

  • He received the message but decided he doesn't want any further contact.
  • He's changed his contact details, so the message didn't get through.

Either way it's futile to try and get back in touch, amd to do so is a bit stalkery.

Nobodyknowsitall5 · 12/04/2024 10:41

Tell him.

Riverlee · 12/04/2024 10:48

OP says she still has family members on Facebook. If he wanted to get in touch, he would have by now.

You never knew about his porn addiction - perhaps not quite the man you thought you knew?

xsquared · 12/04/2024 10:53

I'm astounded by those suggesting to contact him to tell him how she feels, after all these years given he had a partner the last time she contacted him.

OP, those days are behind you and there's no guarantee that you won't be bored with him again. He's moved on, so should you. Don't be selfish and disrupt his life.

Mirabai · 12/04/2024 10:55

Porn addict is no great loss. You made the right choice. Now you just have to find someone else.

PennyPickles60 · 12/04/2024 11:00

You won’t find the answer on an anonymous forum OP. The only person who can answer your question is your ex. You contacted him. He made chit chat. You replied, he didn’t. There’s your answer.

Move on.

MonsteraMama · 12/04/2024 11:02

FGS don't contact him. If I've learned anything about men in my years on this stupid little planet it's if they want you, they will move heaven and earth to get you. He's clearly moved on, whether he has a partner or not. Some people living in a fecking Jilly Cooper novel on this thread.

I think instead you need to look inwards and try and work out what is lacking in your life currently that has you pining over someone from a decade ago, someone who bored you enough to leave. (He's unlikely to be anything close to the man you're sticking up on a pedestal anyway.)

What are you missing really? Because it's probably not actually "him" but rather something you felt when you were at your happiest with him that you don't have anymore. Something that can likely be achieved elsewhere, without this fantasy version of him.

OnePeachCrow · 12/04/2024 11:03

You are looking back through rose tinted glasses. If the relationship didn't feel right at the time, it's unlikely to be right now. If you got bored with him then, you'll get bored now.

You need to put him out of your mind to make space in your life for something better, something real.

Nobodyknowsitall5 · 12/04/2024 11:10

MonsteraMama · 12/04/2024 11:02

FGS don't contact him. If I've learned anything about men in my years on this stupid little planet it's if they want you, they will move heaven and earth to get you. He's clearly moved on, whether he has a partner or not. Some people living in a fecking Jilly Cooper novel on this thread.

I think instead you need to look inwards and try and work out what is lacking in your life currently that has you pining over someone from a decade ago, someone who bored you enough to leave. (He's unlikely to be anything close to the man you're sticking up on a pedestal anyway.)

What are you missing really? Because it's probably not actually "him" but rather something you felt when you were at your happiest with him that you don't have anymore. Something that can likely be achieved elsewhere, without this fantasy version of him.

Tbf this is right

OldHabitsDieScreaming · 12/04/2024 11:22

OP, I was once where you are now. Many years ago I was in a relationship with a lovely guy - kind, funny, smart. We were mid/late 20s, he wanted to get married, I didn't. Even though I knew how lovely he was, we didn't want the same things and I ended it.

I regretted it almost immediately and for years after. Life then went a bit pear-shaped for me for a while and I absolutely tortured myself with what ifs and regrets. I tried to contact him more than once; he was polite but didn't really want to know.

Eventually I met my now dh, the man with whom I have found real love, intimacy and commitment. I look back now on my xbf with fondness but no more regrets. I now can see that there were good reasons for our split and that we never would have lasted. He wasn't my 'soulmate' (no such thing) but a nice guy with whom things ultimately didn't work out. It happens, we move on.

Don't spend any more of your life pining for something that doesn't exist - one thing I do regret it all the time and energy I wasted!

PrincessFionaCharming · 12/04/2024 11:32

i dunno. I think, with hindsight, that if you meet a genuinely good man, you hold on to him with all that you have. Because when you reach like 40 they’re all gone and all that’s left are the ones on tinder with all the baggage.

😞

Whatifthehokeycokey · 12/04/2024 11:34

Maybe it was a case of right person, wrong time. Because it sounds like you now would have been ready for that life with him, but you then were not in the right place for a relationship.

I really don't believe we only have one chance in life to have a soul mate. I have a lovely husband. My ex was also a good man and we would have been happy together but unfortunately we wanted different things out of life (ie to live in different countries) so it didn't work out. You need to put this behind you and find someone who is right for you.

VampireWeekday · 12/04/2024 12:18

I think the best way to deal with this is just accept it and not let it force you into future bad decisions. Your ex isn't the perfect person for you, because he doesn't want to be with you. I have experienced this too. I kept waiting to not feel in love with this man but it's been over fifteen years now and I've just accepted that I will probably always feel this way. At the end of the day it's just a feeling. It doesn't really matter if I love my ex or not, because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and that's one non-negotiable quality in a potential partner. Let yourself feel your feelings, acknowledge them and just live through them.

Salaaaaaaaah · 12/04/2024 12:22

Nicetobenice67 · 12/04/2024 09:41

If he wanted to he could have made something of your email let’s have a coffee ect he didn’t and it speaks volumes …move on he has

Read that last bit in a Yoda voice 😄

Yeah OP you need to move past this. If you had met someone you wouldn't be giving him any headspace. As you haven't yet you are elevating him.

Olika · 12/04/2024 12:31

It's very simple. If he wanted you he would have made it happen when you emailed him. Or after that. Don't let your life pass by while pining for him.

pikkumyy77 · 12/04/2024 12:34

Lifeinblackandwhite · 12/04/2024 09:16

The thing is, I wasn’t actually bored at the time, I thought I was. I’ve since been diagnosed with ADHD which also explains my impulsive decisions at the time (and at other times in my life that have also caused problems).

There were other issues too that I didn’t state in the earlier post. Quite a few months after we broke up he later emailed me to say he was struggling with an addiction to porn (I didn’t want to put that in the original post as I was embarrassed) and that had an impact on our sex life. In that email he apologised, said he loved me and didn’t want to hurt me.
I was quite taken aback and upset about it, but in hindsight I should have told him it didn’t matter and we could work through things together.

But it would have mattered. You are really looking back with vaseline smeared glasses. The relationship was not perfect at the time. You and he were both seeking stimulation or meaning outside the relationship at the moment when you should have been happiest together. If you had stayed with him he would have continued to be porn addicted and you would simply have impulsively left him (or wished you could leave him) again and again.

Nicole1111 · 12/04/2024 12:35

He may well have felt like a soulmate back then but you know nothing about who he is now. I think you’ve got rose tinted glasses on in believing that he might still be the man of your dreams now when so much time has passed and for all you know he is still struggling with that addiction, or another one.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/04/2024 12:49

OP, I was with my soulmate. I utterly and absolutely adored him.

He left me.

I was destroyed. It took me years to get myself back to a place of normality and an even emotional keel. And now I know, looking back, that our relationship wasn't the blessed thing that I thought. I loved him more than he loved me, he fell out of love and went. And after years of pining for him I now realise it was for the best. It is something that takes time and clarity of thinking to come to realise though, because I idolised him for years. You can't harken after 'what might have been', you have to play with the cards you are dealt and make your life the happiest it can be with who you are now.

PrincessFionaCharming · 12/04/2024 12:56

No such thing as soul mates. Just people who you are more compatible with.

GettingtheElectric · 12/04/2024 13:00

OP, you dumped a porn addict with whom you were (unsurprisingly) sexually incompatible, and with whom you were bored. I agree with pps that you dumped him for perfectly valid reasons, and are only feeling nostalgic now because you haven't found a satisfying relationship since. This still doesn't mean that this was the 'one that got away', or that you weren't right to end the relationship.

Either way, you need to move on with your own life, and stop blaming your subsequent relationship history on having left him.

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2024 13:07

I agree with others, if he WAS your soulmate you would still be togther.
Also, you have idealised your relationship, if you were still together you might well be sick of him stinking up the loo and he would hate the way you stacked cups in the cupboard or something

BlancheSaysYes · 12/04/2024 13:13

He's not your soulmate, he never was. You are idealising the relationship because you haven't met anyone since who has made you feel the way he did. Your biological clock is probably ticking as well and that will be clouding your judgement. If he was addicted to porn 10 years ago, he's unlikely to have recovered from this sleazy habit, he's possibly even more addicted. You deserve better than that. You've reached out to him, you got nowhere, time to draw a line underneath the relationship, stop thinking he was The One and start looking out for yourself. You're wasting time dreaming about what could have been.