I let my soulmate go 10 years ago and I can’t move on

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

Just that.

It’s eating me up and I don’t know what to do. I was younger and foolish back then and didn’t realise how good I had it.
He was literally the love of my life.

I tried reaching out to him two years ago and he did respond via email, letting me know how he was doing. But that’s the only contact we’ve had in almost 10 years.

We were together for 6 years and were looking at houses together when we separated.
Partly it was down to me having cold feet/getting bored, which I’m so ashamed of now.

I’ve even still got some of his family on my Facebook.

I don’t know how to move past this. I’ve had relationships since (and before) and none have been anywhere close to the happiness and bond I felt with him.

I am so lost and I don’t know what to do.

I mean I knew him for 6 years. We went on holidays together, we spend almost everyday together after work and at the weekends. We spent lots of time with each other’s families. Then we were buying stuff for a flat / house we never moved it. So I’d say that’s quite a big part of someone’s life.

@pikkumyy77

That might be partly true, but they were very fond of him, probably more so than any other partner I’ve had since.

I’m really sad for you and quite sympathetic, even if it doesn’t seem that way, but you won’t get better if everyone here pats you on the head and says “there there you poor thing.” Regardless of your feelings, your parents feelings, or the six years that you spent dating mr boring porn addict that ship has sailed.

You have the same choice all of us have: sit wailing on the dock or look for another boat.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men/
can’t put poor humpty together again.

But do you think it could be at least partly that you’re not happy with your current situation?

During a time when I was dissatisfied with my relationship, I found myself thinking lots about a past bf who I’d moved on from years before. The things that I’d got out of that past relationship were the exact things I was missing in my relationship at the time and feeling extremely frustrated and unfulfilled in relation to.

Likewise, at a time a few years back when I was single and felt lonely, unsupported, worried if I’d find someone – I found myself in disbelief that I’d let my first boyfriend go, who would have backed me to the hilt and done anything for me. But I’d been fully ready to break up with him when I did, and my current partner now is much better suited!

It’s a bit easier in a way to fixate on something that’s in the past (that feels comforting and easy) than face the challenge of seeking what you want now.

I always find it funny how people seem to meet their soulmates (out of 3 billion potential partners) in the town they live in. If they’d lived in a different county or country or were born in a different year does it mean they would have been alone forever? There are so many compatible people out there who we have the potential to fall deeply in love with. There’s not just one in the world, or else the wedding industry would go bust.

The best way to stop fixating and obsessing about the past and this person is to get involved in things that excite you, start meeting new people (including platonically) and start feeling excited for the future.

OP i'm sorry but you really don't seem to want to hear the reality.
You might have been an important part of his past but he clearly doesn't see you as any part of his future.
He didn't bother to respond 2 years ago and has made no attempt at contact since then despite having all your contact details.
You are chasing a ghost and making yourself miserable. Let him go.
You are becoming the obsessive ex that people come on here to complain about.

I mean, I understand your point, but it’s not as long for me. 10 years is different to 25 or 30.

She's always done it though, my dh's ex.

That's all very good. However you didn't have children together, weren't married, or living together and you gave it up because you were bored and didn't even know he was addicted to porn. You need to move on and stop looking at it all with rose tinted glasses

@Concannon88

I get that, but having children with someone, even marrying them, doesn’t guarantee they’re the right person. As lots of divorces show.

I know I’m going round and round in circles here, but he did say to me that I was the first person he talked to about the trauma he went through in his life and I helped him to see the light towards counselling. So I assume I had some impact on his life.
But he’s obviously not interested now, not even in friendship.

Ok maybe you were the first person but you probably were’nt the last. You are suffering from confirmation bias: the act of seeking or seeing only things that fit your chosen narrative.

If you could just shift your perspective you would see the picture the rest of us see: you were involved with someone who made you feel special (first trauma share) and who gave you lots of points with your parents. That doesn’t have any broader meaning than that. Its not fate or even terribly significant. Your parents’ opinion is neither here nor there—though you may crace their approval—and the fact that he (sats) he told you first isn’t some kind of world historical accolade. Its just a fact.

OP, you are going round in circles here and I think just looking for permission to do something you want to do, when a lot of people have told you it probably isn't a good idea.

How about: write the letter, but don't send it. Put a date in your diary for six months' time. If you're still wallowing in the past and haven't moved on at all, you are allowed to email him then. But between now and then, you make a pact with yourself: don't think about him. Do everything you can, everything within your power to move on, make the most of your life now and stop looking backwards.

I assure you, as someone who reached out to an ex once- when you come to look back on what you've written in six months time you will cringe.

Learn to move on discreetly without broadcasting your availability to him or anyone else.

Living in a fantasy isn't healthy, especially when your parents are supporting this behavior instead of helping you move forward. Consider asking your parents to stop mentioning him. If they don't respect your request, you might need to distance yourself from them.

Accept that he's moved on and respect his decision to not reconnect with you. He doesn't want you in his life anymore. It's possible he only responded to you out of politeness, and your past attempts to contact him may have made him uncomfortable.

If you truly care about him, respect his boundaries and privacy. He hasn't reached out despite ample opportunities. Silence is his answer.

Contacting him won't give you closure; it will only trap you further in your feelings. Disengage, block him, and stop checking up on his family online. He might allegedly avoid social media because he knows you're still involved in his life, making him uneasy.

Your relationship with him wasn't as you imagined; both of you were dealing with mental health issues and were codependent. Reconnecting would be harmful for both of you.

The relationship may have only been trauma bonding.

By keeping yourself open to him, you're allowing him to use you whenever he wants. Even if he returns, it doesn't mean he shares your feelings.

Neither his rejection nor reconciliation would bring you closure, especially if you're unwilling to accept it.

Your behavior is disrespectful and shows a sense of entitlement. Leave him alone.

There are free counseling and therapy resources available if you're serious about moving on.

Living in a fantasy is wasting your life. I understand you're hurting, but you need to let go of this obsession before you do something irreversible. Many people, possibly including him, find your behavior unsettling.

It's time to face reality.

Can I just ask what you mean by something irreversible @Burntouted ? Sorry I’m just confused by that.

I do know what you’re saying but I don’t think it was a ‘trauma bond’ as all that came at the end when we were both struggling. To start with it wasn’t really an issue.

It’s clear you are feeling distressed OP, but you are living in a fantasy about the past. You need to be firm with yourself and focus on your own future.

I say this as someone who also broke up with a lovely boyfriend when I was young. We also had been together 6 years. It was also my choice as I wanted to go and have an adventure. We had occasional contact to start with and that petered out over time as we both moved on with our lives. I was happy when I found out through the grapevine he had married.

A few years back, something happened in the news which really linked to our relationship and on a whim I sent him a quick message about it. He replied to say he also thought of me when hearing that news too. I replied to ask how he was doing in general and he didn’t reply. That was a clear sign to me he felt it would be disrespectful to his wife for us to turn that exchange of messages into a proper conversation so I didn't message again.

I’m married too now and very happy. My ex was the right person for me as a young adult, the first person I loved, but he wouldn’t be the right person for me now and vice versa. I’m married to someone who is the right person for who I am now.

It’s time for you to move on and you don’t need to send him another message or letter to do that.

OP you are ignoring the very clear and important totality of @Burntouted ’s post in favor of being “confused” and asking for clarification on one tiny point.

I recognize this style of thinking and I pointed it out upthread. You yourself recognized the circular quality to your reasoning up thread when you noted that you come back to the same ideas over and over.

You seem to want the posters, who are almost unanimous in advising you not to keep obsessing about a gone ten years stale piece of cake, to agree with you. They won’t. To do so would be to collude with a very unhealthy fantasy.

You can’t accept that but that is part of the problem. You lack the ability to disengage from this comforting fantasy that you can return to Eden after the fall.

Try to do some work on your own life. Add more activities, people, work, life and try to distract yourself until you build up some inner strength.

Or send the letter! No one here can stop you. Your approach is like the people who bankrupt themselves buying lottery tickets. The individual cost is low (they think)—just the price of a stamp in your case!—but the payoff if you win would be huge (you think).

In reality the lottery is a regressive tax on the poor.the odds of winning are so low that almost everyone loses without winning.

So what are you losing? The old window of washer I knew lost thousands of dollars playing the lottery but since he never totaled his costs he lived happily imagining he was only frittering away a dollar here or there. You are frittering away your life fantasizing and wagering on the possibility of a big win. A ten year gone relationship with a wounded puppy of a porn addict.

So send the letter. it will not settle the mayter. Even if he writes back and tells you to stop bothering him you will not accept that. You will always find a reason why that isn’t enough since you literally were rejected by him two years ago but you can’t accept that.

@pikkumyy77

If I saw it in black and white, that he wanted me to stop bothering him, then I would. I know some won’t believe me, but it’s the truth.
The silence is more difficult and makes me think of so many possibilities. I know it’s probably totally irrational.

I appreciate your comments and the comments of others on this post, it puts things into perspective for me. Even if I do send the letter (it’s written) or decide to burn it, I will take this advice on board. I’ve already contacted an ‘affordable’ local therapist. I need someone else to talk this through with, the regrets, the should haves, imagining what my life would now be like. Yes, my parents are partly to blame, they’ve always held him on a pedestal, as I said in an earlier reply, they were always very fond of him.

I was the first person he talked to about the trauma he went through in his life and I helped him to see the light towards counselling

As you were only eighteen or nineteen when you got together and twenty five-ish when you broke up this is not surprising. You were his girlfriend at the time of him becoming an adult.

outside of a therapist I'm not sure you do need to find somebody else to talk to about it. All you are doing is trapping yourself into a cycle of thinking about him and not using your time and energy into moving forward.
Channel all of that into yourself, find hobbies, groups and things to help you grow. You have said you feel lonely, focus on how to change that. You're not a tree. Don't stay rooted in this because it isn't making you happy.

He told you he wasn't interested. He told you he was in a relationship. He stopped communicating with you.

It's a little bit scary that you are unable to understand that no means no, OP.

Focus on some of the good advice you've had in this thread. You need to stop the delusions.

No means no. Silence is rejection. That is the reality. When we run head down into reality it is our head that busts open. Reality doesn’t change.

I do understand no means no, but I wasn’t asking to get back with him , we were just chatting about what were both up to now and how our respective friends and family were.

Anyway, irrelevant now. I may or may not send the letter, I still haven’t decided. I don’t think I’ve got anything to lose by sending it, he just won’t reply and that’ll be it. Or he may reply. Possibly telling me to leave him alone or he might say nothing at all.

And I’m now in touch with three different counselling charities so as to get some therapy for myself.

Why do you think you'll accept "he just won't reply and that will be it" when he just didn't reply to your last letter, and that clearly isn't it for you at all?

I feel for you OP but you've got to take some action to help yourself. You're stalking this man and refusing to take no for an answer and it's creepy.

I’m really not stalking him.

You say "he just won't reply and that'll be it"... but he didn't reply to your last email and that wasn't "it" so how will this be any different t?

You need to take no for an answer, then. No means no. It doesn't mean, keep asking, keep writing, keep contacting.

I wouldn’t call it stalking. She hasn’t had any contact with him for two years and she is considering sending a single email/letter now to see if he replies or not.