I let my soulmate go 10 years ago and I can’t move on

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

Just that.

It’s eating me up and I don’t know what to do. I was younger and foolish back then and didn’t realise how good I had it.
He was literally the love of my life.

I tried reaching out to him two years ago and he did respond via email, letting me know how he was doing. But that’s the only contact we’ve had in almost 10 years.

We were together for 6 years and were looking at houses together when we separated.
Partly it was down to me having cold feet/getting bored, which I’m so ashamed of now.

I’ve even still got some of his family on my Facebook.

I don’t know how to move past this. I’ve had relationships since (and before) and none have been anywhere close to the happiness and bond I felt with him.

I am so lost and I don’t know what to do.

I’m not blocked, he deleted his account years ago.

Either way. Stop it.

Stop thinking up reasons to harass him.
(And yes your posts suggest we are verging on that level).

You can't know what he does or does not do on social media! You broke up a decade ago.

Leave him be. You're getting too drawn in here.

Thanks to everyone for the replies.
I won’t be sending the email or letter.

But I will need to look at seeking help as I’m starting to feel like I don’t want to be here anymore. The regret is making me feel sick and I’m crying all the time. Having some very dark thoughts.

Have you talked to any of your friends or your family?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when posts like yours are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources: www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health. You can also go to the Samaritans website: www.samaritans.org or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
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We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Maybe you have got fixated on your ex to compensate and make you feel better about how you are feeling generally? Please seek help, it sounds like speaking to a therapist would be very useful for you to discuss your feelings with and find strategies to help you manage them?

Do you have a friend or family member you can talk to?

Good luck

This is an excuse to justify reaching out to him now you’re starting to realise a romantic involvement isn’t possible.

Please set your boundaries and do not cross them. Any communication will be bad for you emotionally. Please seek help.

There is no control group for life. There is no sliding doors, alternative reality in which you made different choices. There is only this one precious life that you have. Don't waste it.

What is the harm in telling him how you feel?

@Whatifthehokeycokey

That's exactly it, you only get one life. Thinking I’ll never see him again makes me so desperately sad.

Send him an email explaining how you feel. Then you can move on, one way or the other.

I want to, but I’m scared.

I just don’t know how I’ll go through my life and never see him again.

You need to know, one way or the other. If he isn’t interested then it must be better to know so you can move on

I’d like him to actually tell me, not just radio silence me.

I had exactly this and did get back together with him. Even my reasons for the first breakup were similar to yours. I thought I had changed in the ten years since but we were still incompatible in the same way, if not more so. So I agree with others that it’s not worth pursuing, but no one was really able to tell me that at the time - I had to find out by doing it, and am actually glad I did because I now have proper closure.

Ask him to do that then.

If you really need closure, and it's affecting your life to this degree, then honestly, I would send it. Don't make it begging, be careful to avoid being emotionally manipulative, but saying that you are sending it on the offchance that he feels the same, is ok I think.

Certainly, I wouldn't feel 'aghast' if I received an email like that. I might find it odd, bemusing, heartbreaking, maybe even karma if they treated me badly, but I wouldn't be upset at them.

I agree. I would feel quite chuffed to hear that an ex had been pinning for me for years.

Ah op, it can be so hard to move on especially when moving on doesn't maybe look the way you thought it would.

But to me this post you've written is interesting. He was struggling with his mental health and with addiction that was affecting your relationship and his ability to be in it and treat you properly in it. And you left because you were bored and had cold feet (which is usually a result of feeling in some way insecure in the relationship) but you are regretful that you "let him go".

To me, from everything you've written, it doesn't sound like he was able or in a place to fully give himself to a relationship with you. And on some level I think you knew that which is why you left because all of your needs were not being met.

That isn't what a soul mate relationship is like op. I'm a firm believer in soul mates but also that what's for you doesn't go past you. Everything you're saying does read like you've romanticised this relationship and are looking back with rose tinted glasses when actually it was a bit of a problematic relationship? I think you do need to move on, and I understand that's hard but it starts with just investing in yourself. Do things you enjoy for you, look after and prioritise yourself. Cutting off any contact/ reminders of him/ not talking about him except for in therapy and trying to meet new people and not compare them to him but take them as they are. The new relationships you've had haven't been right for you, but that doesn't mean you've let the wrong one go. It just means the right one is still out there you haven't met them yet. Fixating on this (which is what you're doing 10 years later) is probably blocking you from fully giving someone else and yourself a chance. All of this sounds like a black hole sucking away your energy and emotional bandwidth. It's not serving you at all and I think you need to start to accept that if someone feels its not the right time then that makes them the wrong person by default. Personally I don't see anything beneficial coming out of continuing to contact him I think if he responds you're just feeding the urge to overthink and try to read between the lines of his reply etc. You need to cut it off so you can move past it.

I wouldn’t send the letter personally. But if you feel that you really need the closure then first try to do some detective work to see if he is in a relationship - please only send the letter if you find out that he is currently single.

Two years of radio silence after a break up 10 years ago is enough to tell you it’s over.

Please do not send an email. This is your emotional issue to deal with. I don’t even think it has anything to do with him. There is a void in your life and you are looking to your ex to fill it.

Please do not contact him and speak to a therapist or get some support from other people in your life. You need to focus on yourself.

Go on OP. Send it now and report back to us.

@PervOrNoPerv

I do want to, but as other posters have said it may not be the best idea. I’m so conflicted.