I let my soulmate go 10 years ago and I can’t move on

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

Just that.

It’s eating me up and I don’t know what to do. I was younger and foolish back then and didn’t realise how good I had it.
He was literally the love of my life.

I tried reaching out to him two years ago and he did respond via email, letting me know how he was doing. But that’s the only contact we’ve had in almost 10 years.

We were together for 6 years and were looking at houses together when we separated.
Partly it was down to me having cold feet/getting bored, which I’m so ashamed of now.

I’ve even still got some of his family on my Facebook.

I don’t know how to move past this. I’ve had relationships since (and before) and none have been anywhere close to the happiness and bond I felt with him.

I am so lost and I don’t know what to do.

@PervOrNoPerv

Thank you. I know I’m being a bit irrational but I don’t like being called a stalker.

A stalker to me is someone who is waiting outside your house or going to where they know you’ll be and bombarding you with emails/texts/phone calls and letters everyday.

Sorry OP but if you don't like being called a stalker, stop obsessing about your long-over relationship and leave this man alone to live his life. Your relationship is over and there's zero chance of resuscitating it.

Even if he was into it, I guarantee you that you wouldn't find happiness there. You are clinging on to this as a way to avoid living your life. Getting back with a boring porn addict is not going to solve your problems. What kind of a man is going to want a woman who has been desperately obsessing over him for a decade? Not one who is psychologically healthy, at any rate.

I'm sorry to be so harsh OP but you must get help and sort your life out.

I don’t think it matters what OP would call stalking—what matters is how her ex snd his wife would feel about OP hanging on to contact information or searching out new information in order to make contact and rehash the relationship. That fits my definition of stalkery behavior even if from OP’s point of view it would seem harsh. If I found out that an ex had been obsessed with me ten years after the break up, knowing I was involved with someone else, I would be very creeped out because The relationship this woman has with me has nothing to do with the person I now am. She is fantasizing about me/us but I left that man behind years ago.

What’s that @taylorswift1989 ?

stop being so dramatic.

it’s over. It was over years ago. And it’s not the end of the world. There are plenty more men out there.

get on with making your own life happier

I thought you might find it interesting to think about your limerence from another point of view. Also, if you like her, I've mentioned her a few times in this thread as a potentially helpful resource.

That’s a bit dismissive. People are not interchangeable.

@PervOrNoPerv

Thanks. That’s also what I think.
People aren’t interchangeable, particularly if you loved someone and regret letting them go. Surely thats not an abnormal thing?

What in the baby reindeer…?

leave him alone.

@PrincessFionaCharming

I’ve seen baby reindeer on Netflix, how is this even the same? We had a relationship for 6 years and were looking at houses when we split up, that’s nothing like the baby reindeer story. We do have a history together, unlike the two in that show.

Everyone here has posted that it isn’t unusual but it is unhealthy, pointless, and from the point of view of the lost love object quite problematic.

OP your posts are starting to read as obsessional as the men who stalk and attack women who they think owe them a date, or sex, or marriage.

You do not have a relationship with this man. You had one ten years ago but not now. You are rather like my schizoaffective sister in law—she tends to act as though a terminated relationship still exists. For example: If she has closed a bank account ten years ago she will still insist that she can deposit or withdraw money from it. If a relationship has ended—she fought with someone and they have cut her off—she can not accept that and will persist in forgetting the break or insist that the estrangement will vanish.

You really need help realizing that stubbornly clinging to your lost love is unfair to him and quite damaging to you.

You've been out of the relationship for nearly twice as long as you were in it, OP. You no longer have any connection to this person except for this part of your past. He has let you know unequivocally that he not interested in knowing you now. But you refuse to accept any of this.

I think your mental health is very poor and you do need help. Please seek that help. Do you have friends in real life you could talk to, maybe show this thread to?

I am seeing a therapist on Wednesday this week and yes my mental health is very poor, I can’t stop berating myself over my past decisions and regrets.

I hope that you find the therapy helpful, OP. We all make mistakes in life, but letting go of a relationship that didn't fulfil you, with a man who sexually exploits women, sounds like a very good choice to me. I hope that you'll come to see this in time.

Exactly. You don't get bored of your soul mate. I bumped into the one who got away. For years I'd regretted splitting up with him. Within 5 minutes I was wanting to leave and remembered why.

Be gentle with yourself but not indulgent. By this I mean: True compassion for your sadness and regret needs to be tempered by acceptance that this relationship, for good or ill, is finished and that you owe this past lover freedom from entanglement in your life. There is a real person there who has a right to peace and freedom. It is your job to manage your sadness and regret so others aren’t harmed.

The way forward is forward—you can’t do it while looking back. Be gentle, don’t judge yourself harshly, but don’t give in to sentimental, romantic, focus only on yourself and your needs.

Thank you all.

I think I feel almost traumatised as I said upthread I’ve recently discovered I’m very likely to have ADHD, possibly ASD too. It’s tainted everything in my life so far, including this (impulsivity) but also jobs, education and finances.
At this point it feels like my whole life until this point has been a bit of a lie.

I must admit I had a bit of a flashback earlier (I’d forgotten about it) that he used to ask me to keep my makeup on during sex, he struggled to keep it up, but of course I didn’t know that was down to porn use until his confession email post break up.

@taylorswift1989 I’ll watch the video.

Did you make contact with him @Lifeinblackandwhite ?

@PervOrNoPerv No I decided not to.

Thanks for the update. Hope you are feeling better about the situation now.