I let my soulmate go 10 years ago and I can’t move on

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

Just that.

It’s eating me up and I don’t know what to do. I was younger and foolish back then and didn’t realise how good I had it.
He was literally the love of my life.

I tried reaching out to him two years ago and he did respond via email, letting me know how he was doing. But that’s the only contact we’ve had in almost 10 years.

We were together for 6 years and were looking at houses together when we separated.
Partly it was down to me having cold feet/getting bored, which I’m so ashamed of now.

I’ve even still got some of his family on my Facebook.

I don’t know how to move past this. I’ve had relationships since (and before) and none have been anywhere close to the happiness and bond I felt with him.

I am so lost and I don’t know what to do.

But don't you see that his silence IS the answer? If his answer was 'yes' he would continue the conversation, move it along. The fact that he has not done this is clearly a 'NO'. If you could accept this it would really help give you closure. Very few people are going to respond with "please stop talking to me now" or "I was happy to respond politely to your email but I have no interest in any further conversation" so they remain silent, it's just easier to do so.

Please don't force a response from him, it will very likely just hurt you further.

You really need to try and be your own best friend here.

I’ve written the letter. I probably won’t send it, as most of you say it’s not a good idea. And if I truly loved him (which I did) I wouldn’t bother him and make things worse for him.

Obviously it won’t stop her fixation. She already went one round of this contact/rejection. She has a fixed, quasi delusional, belief that she must get what she thinks she needs/deserves. She will not take even a second or third rejection as dispositive.

ETA: my apologies OP I see you have come to a wise devision. I applaud that.

Exactly this.

I’ve decided not to send the letter or contact him again , unless he contacts me first, which I doubt he will.

But I really don’t think it’s a fantasy, no one else knows what two people had together and I did have a deep connection with him. I was young and foolish and didn’t realise what I had until it was gone.

Regret is a truly awful feeling, he was truly devoted to me and I didn’t fully appreciate it 😢
I just hope one day I can forgive myself and move forward.

Why not acknowledge that you acted as you saw best at the time, which is all that anyone can do? The 'deep connection' clearly didn't, at the time, outweigh the other problems in the relationship. I think you should honour your past self's decision for being the right one, as she saw it, at the time, not blame her.

Well he had a deep connection with both you and porn apparently. The man you describe with mental health issues and a porn habit is at odds with the romanticised version.

If you’d stayed together you might be here wishing you’d got out when you could.

OP: you make your own chances and you make your own dances. Even IF you think that he was the one that got away every day since then you have had other chances for happiness. Spare some regret for the days/hours/years you are wasting Telling over the beads of this brief, youthful, relationship. You are like Dickens’ character Miss Havisham, wasting away an entire life because of a wedding that never happened. Or a person who won’t enjoy dinner because breakfast ten years ago was tastier. What a waste!

he was truly devoted to me
No, he wasn't. He was devoted to porn. He had a porn addiction. If you'd stayed together it would have probably ruined your relationship. The only thing an addict is devoted to is their addiction.

It’s the silence that I’m struggling with, there’s no definitive answer.
Silence is a definitive answer. It means he doesn't want to continue the conversation. Look, what probably happened is that he was pleased to hear from you, wanted to chat, then realised (or was reminded) that he was with someone and that person would probably be very unhappy about him continuing a conversation with you. Either way, he made it crystal clear he doesn't want to be with you. If he did, he would make sure that you knew.

Honestly, I would be creeped out if someone who broke up with me ten years ago wrote to let me know they still think about me all the time. I wouldn't think, oh how lovely, they love me. I'd think, wow, this person has never moved on, that's really sad. I'd pity them.

@pikkumyy77

I have had a couple of relationships since him - so I’m not like Miss Haversham as you said. It’s just no one has come close to him in the way I felt about them.

@taylorswift1989

Can I just ask why you’d be creeped out? No one can help their feelings.
I’ve read stories of couples getting back together after being apart for 20+ years. I’m not suggesting that’ll be us, I just meant in general, some people must get back in touch with their ex after so many years.

Its creepy because it feels stalkery. No one is asking you to “help your feelings” but you are involving a mam and his family in your fantasies of true love.

A letter from an ex who was a big part of your life feels stalkery?

I dreamt about him last night, which doesn’t help.

I might have missed something, but I think you said the last thing you knew about him was that he was in a relationship when you heard from him 2 years ago?

Yes, he could have since broken up with that person. Or he could have got married. Or had children. Bought a house. Or just continued to be very happy with them. I’d be annoyed to get another letter/email from a distant ex when I had purposefully not continued the conversation previously. It would feel obsessive and I would definitely not reply. I’d tell my partner and would show them the letter out of respect. Would you want his partner reading this?

Go and live your own life and focus on yourself.

i suppose I’ve just got to live with this. But I really don’t know how.

Can I just ask why you’d be creeped out? No one can help their feelings.

But in society you can't act on all of your feelings. You have to control them.

Sometimes to the benefit of yourself and sometimes for the good of others or society in general. You can't push to the front of the queue in Asda because you can't be bothered to wait and you can't take a baby from its pram because you want a baby.

In your situation I think it would be detrimental to you to send this letter. I think if he doesn't reply you will just be in the same situation you are now. Telling yourself that you haven't got an answer or any closure.

My dh of 25 years has an ex girlfriend that pops up every few years. I think she sees him as the one who got away and I also think she sees our successful marriage and thinks that it could have been her. But it couldn't have been because their relationship ended.

My dh just seems partly oblivious and partly perplexed. The last communication was that she was going to be in the UK with her parents and did he want to meet up because he'd met them three decades ago and he got on with her dad or something. Dh just says things like 'hope they have a good time'.

I don't think you have to live with it you have to move past it.

Have you told any real life people about any of this? If not then I think you should. Not only will you get support but it will break the line between fantasy and reality.

Someone upthread said allow yourself fifteen minutes a day to wallow and think about it. Then for the rest of the day you can think 'no, I'm not going to think about that now'. I've read about this method for other circumstances. Sometimes coupled with the elastic band on the wrist which you ping.

@PrattleTime

I have spoken to a couple of friends. One or two of them think I should send a letter to get the closure
I can’t really speak to my family as my parents really liked him and my mum thought it was mistake and that I should have met him after he sent me that final email shortly after we broke up with his confession.
She still speaks of him fondly now. If we’re talking about the past or something we did back then.

I know I really need to speak to a Counseller but at the moment I can’t afford £60 an hour. And the wait for free counselling is long (I’m on the waiting list for one charity at present).

@QualityDog

I mean, I understand your point, but it’s not as long for me. 10 years is different to 25 or 30. 10 years doesn’t even seem that long because of Covid and lockdowns, I can’t believe that was 4 years ago, seems like yesterday.

I really feel for you. I hope you get closure as it doesn't seem to be getting any better for you.

You've had some great advice on here OP about how to move on. Maybe go back through the posts and pick out some suggestions that feel helpful to you?

Yes, therapy would be great, but if it's out of reach financially that doesn't mean you're stuck.

Have a look for free therapy/free counselling local to you. There are services in most areas and you may qualify for a free or greatly reduced service. Also check out Better Help, if you're able to pay around 30 per session. They also have do concessions.

Failing that, there are LOADS of resources online. Go onto google and type 'I can't get over my ex,' OR 'How to get over limerence', OR 'How can I move on from past relationship?' You will get lots of hits.

Youtube is brilliant for psychological help, if you know where to look. I suggested The Crappy Childhood Fairy, who talks a lot about limerent relationships. There's also Therapy in a Nutshell, that has loads of resources. Look for those and you'll find others suggested by the algorithm.

You can also use youtube and online resources to connect with other people who have been through this. You're definitely not alone!

On top of this, there's loads you can do to improve your life. Get a new hobby, or pick up an old one. Find a group or club and join in. Read books. Look into improving your career or self development. Get out in nature. Borrow a dog and take it for walks. Go shopping for an elderly neighbour. Volunteer in a local hospital. Do something! You could be contributing something great to the world right. You need to find meaning outside of this failed relationship.

And there you have it: your mother and father are pushing this fantasy along and normalizing it.

I understand that Covid was a huge trauma and has had an enormous effect on people’s sense of time, risk, loss, and grief but each person experiences it differently. For you it has collapsed time and you imagine the last ten years as no time. But for other people it dilated time, sped up grief snd loss, caused intense attachments or break ups. Many people can not go back to their pre covid selves. You are stuck in a very self centered world and are projecting your wants and your state of mind onto your lost boyfriend.

It was ten years ago. In the long run of things, you weren't a big part of his life.

@Concannon88

Do you really think that people can’t make an impact on your life despite only knowing them for a short time?