I let my soulmate go 10 years ago and I can’t move on

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

Just that.

It’s eating me up and I don’t know what to do. I was younger and foolish back then and didn’t realise how good I had it.
He was literally the love of my life.

I tried reaching out to him two years ago and he did respond via email, letting me know how he was doing. But that’s the only contact we’ve had in almost 10 years.

We were together for 6 years and were looking at houses together when we separated.
Partly it was down to me having cold feet/getting bored, which I’m so ashamed of now.

I’ve even still got some of his family on my Facebook.

I don’t know how to move past this. I’ve had relationships since (and before) and none have been anywhere close to the happiness and bond I felt with him.

I am so lost and I don’t know what to do.

@StormingNorman

Not quite two years, it was November 2022 I last heard from him. But I know what you mean. It’s so hard feeling this way. It’s making me so down.

There is only one way to find out. What’s the worst that could happen?

There is only one way to find out. What’s the worst that could happen?

So many things!

This is her real actual life, not a soap opera. You've posted seven times in three hours telling her to contact him and report back etc.

What is the worst that could happen then?

But you aren't together anymore and he ceased contact, you don't get to know if he's doing okay.

Stop it. You are playing with OP’s emotions for your own entertainment.

OP you need to remove yourself from this emotional entanglement for your own wellbeing and to allow yourself to find happiness.

@Lifeinblackandwhite Did anything happen to bring these feelings up so intensely?

I’m not sure that after all this time your feelings are about him. Your posts sound so raw.

Could it be that you are looking back with rose tinted specs and fantasising that he could be filling some gap in your life or supporting you through something else happening in your life?

I don’t know how the OP will ever know for sure/get closure, unless she sends the email?

If you left originally it couldn't have been as good as you're remembering it op.

We have this amazing way of forgetting bad things sometimes, look up rosy retrospection.

You're remembering the absolute best bits and forgetting why you got bored and why the sex wasn't great.

Is it likely he's sorted his porn addiction? Probably not.

Are you in a position to date? Get your mind off him and go and meet some new people. Doesn't have to be romantic, just have fun meeting people and getting out.

Please also talk to a gp if you continue to feel really low

Op I couldn't read and run. I can feel the pain coming off your posts. I've been there and it's a horrible feeling. I would go down the line of thinking that if it feels to good to be true then it probably is. What I mean is that the relationship wasn't for you what it was for him which is why you left it at the time and which is why he didn't reply at the end of 2022 and keep the conversation going. Something about the relationship was unfulfilling for you then. Flip it around in your mind and tell yourself you were unhappy and ended it. You took control because it wasn't right.

I truly think you are focussing on this relationship because you haven't had one as close since. I think you might need to change some other things about your life - are you lonely? Did you move away and could move back to where you family live for example? Do you need to move onto a new job with some new people? Join a hobby group? Anything to break out of the rut. Maybe a singles holiday. Keep trying and keep going and life will surprise you again with a new and deep love just when you are not expecting it. It happened to me.

Like the other pp I no longer agree wirh the phrase right person, wrong time. We can only Iive in the now. If they are the right person then they will be available and willing xx

@Cestlaavie

I am lonely yes. And I’m unhappy in my life.
I do also feel like I missed an opportunity for happiness in life with him though. I know it sounds silly, but it really does feel that way.

@Lifeinblackandwhite I get that and honestly I know how that feels. But it didn't work out. And we can't go back. You did try and reach out and he didn't reply the second time. He didn't want to. It's over. You must look forwards and stay positive. Don't waste any more energy and time looking backwards. There is so much out there for you. Make some changes as above if you need to to start living again xx

I’m not, I just think it is the only way for the OP to move on, one way or the other.
Plus, I’m a hopeless romantic and it could lead to a happy ending for them ❤️

If she doesn’t send the email, she’ll never be 100% sure. And I think she needs to have that certainty

I agree

Why on earth would you humiliate yourself by chasing this man? He is long gone. He didn't reply to your second email, he does not wish to continue contact.

Even if letting him go was a mistake, it's done and he has moved on. You need to do the same, nothing good will come of ruminating on this.

This isn't a novel for your entertainment. Do you have any idea how weird and horrible it is to be contacted by an ex after years and discovering they've been pining for you for years? To the point of having suicidal thoughts? It's not at all romantic, it's horrendous.

This man has had multiple opportunities to continue contact with her and hasn't. Have you ever actually met a man? If he was interested he'd not have ghosted her again last time they spoke! Men chase what they want. Radio silence is a man saying "I'm not interested."

You're goading her and egging her on to do something that is likely to end up crushing her when she's deeply emotionally vulnerable, and being very unfair and upsetting to the poor guy.

OP needs to seek professional help to understand what is so lacking in her life that she's pining for a boring porn addict she dated ten years ago, not egging on to act out a romantic comedy plot for your titillation. Have a word with yourself.

I think you are being over-dramatic here. I’m not suggesting that she admit undying love for him in the email, she can just say that she has been thinking about him and ask him if he fancies meeting up for a drink and a catch up. I don’t think that is likely to traumatise the poor chap and it will give the OP closure if he declines.

Please go and get counselling. It will be much more useful for you than contacting him. I’ve been there. We get focused on shit like this to avoid the real issues and sorting our lives out. If you entire happiness depends on him, it would be a terrible relationship

We get focused on shit like this to avoid the real issues and sorting our lives out.

Respectfully, I think this is probably true and you've become fixated on something and believe that if you could magically go back and change this one thing, your life would be much happier.

I think you have things the wrong way round. You've convinced yourself that you are very unhealthy and mentally in a low place because you ended this relationship ten years ago. But ten years is a long time. In reality, I think it's the other way round: you are in a low place mentally and feeling unhappy, so you have become fixated on this time from your past when you felt happier.

As others have said, you need to get some support to move beyond this and be realistic about your life now and moving towards happiness now. Then your life can get going again and hopefully you will meet someone new. Focus on your present and moving forward, not the past. Nothing good will come of it.

Maybe it was a mistake breaking up ten years ago. But that doesn't mean that you can fix it by getting back together. We all make mistakes in life, and wonder and second guess our decisions. But ultimately, we come to realise that we have to live with our mistakes and make the most of things now. All you can do with a mistake is learn from it. E.g. I wish I hadn't broken up with him at that time. What I can learn from this is that I need to have more patience with the people in my life from now on.

However, I strongly suspect that it wasn't actually a mistake at all. You weren't happy in the relationship. He was an addict. It wasn't good, and you made the decision to end things, which sounds like a wise decision to me. You're not happy at the moment, and you imagine that if you'd stayed together things would be great now. No, they wouldn't be. You'd be with a porn addict and be wondering why you've stayed so long in a relationship where you're unhappy.

You have to let go of the past and move into the future. It sounds like some kind of counselling or therapy could really help with that. Ultimately, you are wasting time focusing on past mistakes. You can't change the past. Let go of this 'mistake' you made. Focus on what you can control - your choices now. Your happiness. Your joy in life. All those things are possible to improve and the time to start doing that is now.

No: that is just a desperate, inner part of yourself trying to find a “legitimate” reason go bust down the door of his privacy.

I wish I could afford counselling - unfortunately I can’t. I am on the waiting list for a free counselling service but currently there’s a long wait, I’ve already been on it 6 months.

It might traumatise her though, have you actually read her posts? She's said some very worrying things about not wanting to be here anymore. What if she sends him that message and he reads it and completely ignores her again exactly as he did last time, have you considered the impact that could have on her mental health when she's already vulnerable? I don't think it's dramatic to be concerned for her wellbeing more than I'm frothing for an unlikely fairytale ending, but you do you.

I’ve written the letter, I just haven’t sent it.