I let my soulmate go 10 years ago and I can’t move on

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

Just that.

It’s eating me up and I don’t know what to do. I was younger and foolish back then and didn’t realise how good I had it.
He was literally the love of my life.

I tried reaching out to him two years ago and he did respond via email, letting me know how he was doing. But that’s the only contact we’ve had in almost 10 years.

We were together for 6 years and were looking at houses together when we separated.
Partly it was down to me having cold feet/getting bored, which I’m so ashamed of now.

I’ve even still got some of his family on my Facebook.

I don’t know how to move past this. I’ve had relationships since (and before) and none have been anywhere close to the happiness and bond I felt with him.

I am so lost and I don’t know what to do.

Don't send the letter, OP.

Did it make you feel any better to write it? Has it given you any more sense of closure? Or has it brought all these difficult feelings to the surface?

There are some good resources for limerence online that might help you. I like the Crappy Childhood Fairy on youtube - she's done lots about limerence, what it is, why it happens, and how to get over it.

The other thing I’m thinking of trying is to call his phone to see if it’s the same number and maybe try to and talk to him in person.

It sounds very much like you’re struggling with your mental health, and instead of exploring that you’re channelling all your hurt and upset in to thinking about this man. Realistically though you were able to move on from this man without all these feelings for years so I think it’s unlikely to be about him, and more likely to be about what he represents for you, for example, missed opportunities for happiness, a possible way to end feelings of loneliness, a companion, someone to build a future with etc. I think you need to be mindful though that he didn’t continue contact with you when you got in touch and it’s therefore unlikely he feels the same. It’s also important you learn how to be your own source of happiness, because making someone else this is a dangerous game as it makes your happiness conditional on someone else’s behaviour. Once you’ve reached a place where you take responsibility for your own feelings, I think you’ll be able to see this past man isn’t offering anything another man couldn’t, especially given the difficulties in the relationship you outlined and that you weren’t happy enough in the relationship to stay.
What if any self help work have you done?

I haven’t really done any of late.

I think it’s more than just this man, it’s also the huge missed opportunities that I had with him and the path I took, which I partly blame on my (at that time) not yet diagnosed ADHD, including impulsivity and chasing a dopamine hit.

I even found an email I’d sent a friend when I was with him, shortly before we called it a day, saying how I am ‘always looking for more’ in a relationship and although he was such a steady, reliable and kind man, I was looking at the grass being greener. And I even said in that email that I thought I was fantasising about something that didn’t exist and I did love him.
At that point I didn’t know I had these traits of ADHD.

But many people can feel like that about a relationship and don’t have ADHD.

It sounds like the relationship actually didn’t work for you, (and who the hell wants to deal with a porn addiction - that would rightly be a dealbreaker for many women).

If you had found someone you liked you wouldn’t even be thinking back to this.

I have ADHD and I don't recognise what you're saying about wanting to leave a relationship being a trait. Yes, relationships can be harder and yes, sometimes you can get a bit bored with life, but actually I think blaming you leaving your relationship on your ADHD is nonsense. If it was a good relationship and you were really in love with him and vice versa, you would have stayed. If it was down to ADHD you wouldn't have left him when you were doing the exciting thing of looking for a house together. Loads of people with ADHD are in long term, loving, maybe even slightly boring relationships.

But even if that's true. Even if you left him impulsively because you weren't getting enough dopamine, it doesn't mean it was a mistake.

He was/is a porn addict, remember, OP? The idea that your relationship was perfect while your then-partner was addictively using pornography is absolute nonsense. You may not have known about it at the time, but you would have been aware that sexually, things were weird, and your partner was being secretive and dishonest. You would have sensed that things weren't right and that you were not the centre of his world (because it was porn at the centre, because that's the nature of addiction.)

Please don't call him or write to him. You are using this idea of contact as a form of self harm. You are harming yourself with this idea that you ruined the perfect relationship. Your relationship was not perfect. It wasn't even all that good. One of you was bored and seeking more excitement and fun. The other was actively engaged in a harmful sexual addiction.

You have got to start facing up to reality.

Even if he wanted you back, you're not in a position to be in a relationship with anyone while you are so deep in denial, limerence and self-harm. While you are so desperately seeking validation from another person. Get yourself sorted. Find happiness on your own terms. Maybe you'll meet someone new and lovely, or maybe this person will come back around when the time is right. What's for you will not go by you, as they say. So focus on getting your mental health sorted before you look towards any relationship, whether it's this one or a new one.

As I say, I think the Crappy Childhood Fairy is a good resource. Also, Better Help is an online therapy service with reasonable prices, which might be a useful resource if you're waiting for some mental health support.

Sorry you are feeling like this OP, it must be very difficult for you.

Can I ask what happened when you made contact a couple of years back. Did he suggest meeting up again or was he polite but made it clear he wasn’t looking to rekindle? This is crucial I would say.

Life has moved on for you both, the hurt could run deep that you got bored and ended things, no one would want to risk going through that again. If he really was the man for you, you wouldn’t have ended it, and those issues would no doubt rise to the surface again in time.

As hard as it is for you to accept, you may have to draw a line under it, and move on with your life. Whilst you are looking back through rose tinted specs you could be out meeting someone that could make you happy.

Wishing you all the very best for the future, good luck OP.

@Roselilly36

When I send him the email at the end of 2022 he replied saying he was “surprised to hear from me after all this time” and that he was doing okay. He said he had a partner then and answered the questions I’d asked him about his job/family.
He went on to say he still struggles with his mental health (as I’d mentioned mine in the original email) but that he was still getting counselling and only very recently had developed some gratitude for his life and hope for the future. He said he’d really struggled during the pandemic and because he works remotely he has been very isolated.

He then asked me about jobs and my friends and if I was still in touch with them.

When I replied answering those questions and asking him some more, he didn’t respond.

There’s your answer. He had a partner and chose not to continue the conversation. If you told him you were single and he hasn’t pursued anything that is a sign he’s looking forwards not backwards.

@Nicole1111
I do understand that, but what I thought was strange is that he was so open about his ongoing mental health struggles. But I’m pretty sure that’s me hanging onto some sort of hope that isn’t really there.

I think so. The idea that he could come back in to your life and you’ll be magically happy and loved up etc is hard to let go of but the reality is you’ve both been struggling mentally and that does make relationships much harder. It’s time to let go and concentrate on the relationship you have with yourself. If it makes it easier tell yourself than in a year, when you’ve done the work and improved your wellbeing and feel in a really good place, if you still feel the same way about him you can reach out.

“…he was such a steady, reliable and kind man, “

Thats what he represented to you, security. You admit you were bored with him, and fantasizing about a different life when you were with him. It’s not him you are missing, but these attributes which you think you are missing from your life. Maybe you fee that if you stayed with him, your life would have been easier, and that’s what you are craving at the moment.

Why is it strange that he was open about his mental health? You already stated that you discussed yours in your original email so it follows on that he'd mention his in return. You're reading too much into what he said whilst blatantly ignoring the fact he told you he was with someone and had no desire to continue replying to your emails.

I don't think it's a matter of 'right time, wrong person' with this relationship. Is there ever a 'right time' to be in a relationship with a boring porn addict who struggles with his MH and with whom you had an unsatisfactory sex life?

I think you should acknowledge that you made the best decision for you at the time, and not decide it was a mistake caused by ADHD or whatever. You weren't happy after six years, and you made the decision to end things when you were looking at houses together because you didn't want to commit further to a relationship that wasn't working for you.

It's possible that his now partner is in a longterm relationship with a boring porn addict with MH issues and a bad sex life. Obviously, that's not your concern, but I think you need to work on yourself, and on not hanging your current unhappiness on a decision you made ten years ago for the right reasons -- leaving a relationship in which you were unhappy.

Thanks for all the replies.

I still don’t know whether to send him something, I’m so conflicted.

I‘ve contacted a local counselling service. And they’re contacting me on Friday for an initial appointment.

I think he’s the only person I ever truly loved 😔

I would wager every penny I have that if you reach out to him again it will not end the way you want it to. You will end up feeling worse than you feel now because you may feel embarrassed and rejected. I am an old biddy but I still remember something my mother told me when I was young - if a man wants to be with you he will be. All my life I have seen that to be true with relationships I have been in and watching friends. Turn the energy you are putting into obsessing about him and use it towards becoming more loving to yourself.

When you are conflicted one way of looking at it that may be fruitful is that it means that two parts of yourself are fighting for control. One part wants to rush back to a familiar intimacy that seems, retrospectively, to be desirable. The other is aware that this person has moved on and that reaching out isn’t sensible and lays you open to potential humiliation and rejection. Each of them is trying to protect you from a perceived loss. Step back and really try to hold these opposing parts and accept them. Thank them for trying to protect you and see if they can relax and let your grown up self handle this situation.

But there is no reason why he will be the only person you ever truly love. There is a whole world out there full of fascinating, caring, kind people.

Regret and imagining what could have been are powerful drugs. If you continue looking back you may miss opportunities (not just romantic) that are in front of you.

I also ended a wonderful long-term relationship when I was a lot younger for similar reasons to you. We were “perfect” to all intents and purposes at that point in life. If I hadn’t ended it then it’s possible we would still be together, but just as possible we would have broken up at another point. I’ve spent a lot of time single both happily and less happily since then and am now in a wonderful relationship. I’m so happy my first relationship ended as otherwise I’d never have the life I have now with my partner.

It’s time to look forward and not back OP. If your mind turns to him, wish him well and be thankful for your shared time and then refocus on your own life and future.

@Longtimelistenerfirsttimecaller

You are probably right, but how do I shake this feeling of “I’ve made a huge mistake”? Even though it was so many years ago. It doesn’t feel that long though, especially because of Covid too.

By accepting that it might have been a mistake, but even if it was it is firmly in the past.

We cannot change the past. We can change the future and you have chance to shape this how you want for yourself.

Make plans, meet people, travel places, try new things. Experiment. Even if your heart isn’t in it to start with, fake it until you make it.

If needs be, set aside 15 mins a day to wallow. But no more. The rest of the time say “not now, I’m busy”

You're not going to shake it off in an instant. You need to work patiently at growing your self-esteem, your career, your friendships, your hobbies, your community. You may need some support from therapy or other resources. The key is to find acceptance. When these thoughts and fantasies come into your head, practice switching off from them. Find a phrase that helps, such as 'that's in the past' (or something that feels right to you) and use that as a kind of brake. Turn your attention to something else. A friend who needs your help. A neighbour. A new hobby. A book. Keep doing this and don't allow yourself to indulge in the limerent thoughts and behaviours. Remind yourself it's not reality. Come back to reality. Rinse and repeat.

Send the letter @Lifeinblackandwhite and report back to us.

OP there is new research on chronic pain or chronic itching that advocates a mindful practice of ignoring what is not a useful signal. I have used it myself and its very effective. Basically when you have the sensation of pain or itchiness your brain says “this is important! You need to act!” But in these chronic situations there is nothing to be done. With patience you can rewire your brain to ignore the symptom (in your case the sad thought ) snd learn to say “this is not good information. I do not need to act on it.”

I suspect you have a deeper set of attachment traumas in your past—such as poor parenting, absent father, perfectionist parenting, which makes it hard for you to accept mistakes, past decisions, the ending of things or to let go of relationships even when they no longer exist.

This is where therapy may help.

If you haven't already, you could try and see whether there are any counselling services through a charity who accept a donation rather than charge a fee.

All this obsessing and ruminating is extremely damaging to your mental well being, and you need to heal from this and learn to let go.

I'm struggling to understand why you feel so conflicted about whether or not to contact him, having already done so a few years ago and then didn't hear back from him. Can you really not accept the possibility that he doesn't want to be in touch with you?

You say you want to contact him to see how he is, but he doesn't owe you that information, and your reason is selfish. Even if he wasn't okay, you contacting him isn't going to make him better.

You need to concentrate on your own life independent of another person. Leave him be.