To think that infidelity is sometimes justifiable

[MarianaMonterey]

Not ok. And not forgiveable by you personally. But can you conceive of circumstances that seem so bleak, you’d choose to yourself or at least think ‘yeah, I can understand that’ of someone else.

Yes, it’s me. I’m the other woman. I didn’t know he was married. But I was already in a place so desolate before I found out, I don’t think I can now face walking away. If you knew I had so little that an affair looked better than nothing, would you still view me with contempt or could you find compassion?

Please be kind. I am not in crisis, but I am very, very close. It’s humiliating, but it’s real. I just can’t go one more day when no one thinks of me at all. I‘m facing big physical health, mental health, work, child and financial issues and I just don’t think I can put someone else first right now. I’m hoping with some support from the wrong person I make it through to later when I can make better choices. I don’t yet know how, but it’s the only future I can see. It’s not that I can’t handle the break up itself. It’s that I can’t handle it on top of everything else. It’s just one loss too many, and after decades of getting by on not nearly enough.

Leave him out of it. It’s not about him. Don’t tell me I’m strong enough, that it’s not as bad as I think or that I deserve better. It makes no difference. I can’t believe those things into being. It’s better than nothing. And no one deserves nothing, surely? I’m so done. This is no life. [Redacted by MNHQ]

Well quite. Shagging a man who is clearly a liar, dishonest, sneaky, underhanded and happy to fuck his wife over for the sake of fucking another woman...he's hardly a prize. Nothing is going to get better while you're still sleeping with this loser, OP. You're making the decision to keep yourself in this situation and thinking you're special because you feel so sad and deserve to steal from another woman's marriage. You're no different to any other woman with low self esteem and no sense of her own value or worth.

OP, you just admitted you haven’t made a decision. You now know he’s married.
What decision is there to make?
Do the right thing by yourself, and her.

Yeah nah justifying just shows you don't have self respect

Work on that instead

I don’t know what isn’t coming across here, but I have NO SUPPORT. Not little support. Not bad support. Not less-than-ideal support. None. ZERO PEOPLE. I have real, life changing, time critical problems and no one else to help. It isn’t a bit shit. I’m not having a hard time. I’m not a bit down. It’s bad stuff with real consequences. He’s offering to help. He has already helped. No conditions. If he’s lowlife scum, he’s lowlife scum that is showing up and doing stuff I can’t do on my own right now, even though I normally do. It doesn’t matter if you or even I, think I should have someone better to help me. I don’t. It’s his help or none. That’s my choice. I hate it.

I’m really confused about what my self esteem has to do with anything? This isn’t about what I think of me or what I think I deserve from men. This is about who is prepared to physically and emotionally show up for me right now. It’s not that I don’t want or deserve better. It’s that I don’t HAVE it. Of course I’d prefer to have someone else to ask. I don’t.

I need practical help and emotional support. He is offering. No one else is. It’s that simple. I don’t just want to keep having sex. I need actual help. Can I only have self respect or self esteem when I don’t need help? Do other women not sometimes need help? Does it make it ok if we don’t have sex? Are people assuming there was nothing else to it at all? I respect that people might think it’s indefensible. But the focus is entirely on devaluing me and my situation in order to make me a villain. (I haven’t even said what the problems are. I don’t think anyone has even asked, let alone been ready with an alternative)

And I haven’t done anything yet. I’ve only just found out and am trying to process things.

So- are we meant to ask you about the stuff, looks like you planned it as a massive a drip feed or we were meant to guess we had to ask? I assume you would have said ehat if was if you had wanted, but you haven't.
People dont just rush in for support especially if you are as cryptic irl as you are on the forum. Not knowing what the mysterious issues are, no one would be able to point you towards solutions- so either you say so people can actually point you towards somewhere that could help or you keep them for yourself and then keep on being upset we dont just tell you to keep on shagging a married dude so that he can keep on offering you support.

People are painting you as a victim, not a villain.

And is he really helping with no conditions? If you say no sex now you know he's married, is he still going to be there to help you?

Can you please explain what self respect has to do with anything? I’m genuinely confused by this view. What does my view of myself matter? If I go bankrupt, It will be somehow better if I have ‘self respect’ and didn’t let someone who could have helped, help, because they are a bad person?

If I could choose between his help and other help I would. I CAN’T. There is no one else.

What help do you need and is his help conditional on you agreeing to continue the relationship? This is not someone you want to be indebted to, he's not trustworthy. I'm not having a go at you, I'm genuinely concerned for your welfare. You're digging yourself deeper into a hole with someone who has already proved that he does not have you best interests at heart. This is not a nice guy we're talking about. He's taking advantage of your vulnerability.

What’s he helping you with, finances?

He's enjoying playing the hero, it gives his ego a boost. Once you are back on your feet or he gets tired of his current role, he'll move on and leave you even more vulnerable.
I have no respect for a married person titting around having affairs. The pain they bring to their partner / spouse is beyond words. But the person behind the facade is a 100%shit bag. If in an unhappy partnership split up, and then find a new partner, but don't have an emotional or physical affair when still in a relationship. Cowardice at its finest. Do you really want to be with someone like this OP? He will hurt you in the long run, you'll also never be able to trust him.

So he helps you in exchange for sex with no plans to commit to you? That’s not going to help your mh long term. He’s treating you appallingly but you seem blind to that. Please seek help - mn signposting would be a great starting point. They will help without conditions.

And generally infidelity isn't justifiable. But you're not the one being unfaithful, that's him and him alone, you sound vulnerable and lonely. Just look after yourself.

People haven't asked what your problems are because presumably you'd have shared this info if it was relevant and you were willing to post it. You chose to be cryptic so people are respecting your privacy.

You say you have no support. Have you actually asked friends for help? Or are you saying that you have no friends? Are there no local charities that can help you? Neighbours? Colleagues? I find that the most unexpected people are willing to step up and help when people are really in need, so I find it hard to believe that this is genuinely your only option. How many people have you actually asked?

At the end of the day, it's your call. If you decide that you want to carry on sleeping with this man - either because you want to or because you want his help with other things - then none of us can stop you. But you are asking us if we think it is justifiable, and most of us are telling you that we don't think it is.

If you don't want to hear the answer to the question, I suggest that you don't ask.

He says so, if I want that. He has so been so far. It wasn’t just sex. He really was there for me in a lot of ways.

If had anyone else, I’d be asking them. But I don’t. I keep saying it, and it doesn’t feel like people believe me.

So as you're talking about going bankrupt, is the problem that you're in debt? There are lots of charities that can help you with this. Have you sought professional advice?

I don't really understand what you want. You asked if an affair can be justified, the answer has been a resounding no.
Maybe some self reflection is needed. You do not seem overly self aware. This could help with the lack of IRL support except for this wonderful hero man you're sleeping with in exchange for his financial support.

OP, you've had the answer to your question. It wasn't what you wanted to hear.

I suggest you leave this thread now. Name change. Then start a thread asking if anyone has any ideas to help you with x problem. Or can point you in the direction of y. Or has any experience of z.

MNers will gladly help you, offer advice, sympathise, empathise, suggest and signpost.

Just stop torturing yourself. It sounds like you’re going through a hard time and if you’re happy enough with the situation and it’s helping you then so be it. Maybe once you're back on your feet you can move on from it if you want.

You will get a lot of negative judgment because none of us like to think our dh might be cheating, but if he is then he’s clearly just that type, and if it isn’t you he’s doing it with it’ll be someone else..it’s more to do with him and maybe he’s not in a great relationship but it’s easy for him to stay in it. The risk is if the wife finds out, it’ll all blow up

You don't have any self respect you could benefit from some not sure how else to explain it

What is the bad stuff and the consequences? And what practical support or help is he giving you?

Not being difficult here, it’s a genuine question because if you are in serious trouble then it could mitigate what you are doing to his family.

Is he stopping you from going bankrupt?

And still, everything is about YOU.
It’s very difficult to have any sympathy for what difficulties you’re going through when you give zero shits about anyone else.

CAP is a charity which helps people who are facing bankruptcy. You could try getting in touch with them.

https://capuk.org/money-and-debt-advice/im-struggling-where-can-i-get-support

So he's giving you money for sex?

Hear hear! That isn't a popular opinion on this site, where everything is always the man's fault, but I agree with you wholeheartedly.