To think that infidelity is sometimes justifiable

[MarianaMonterey]

Not ok. And not forgiveable by you personally. But can you conceive of circumstances that seem so bleak, you’d choose to yourself or at least think ‘yeah, I can understand that’ of someone else.

Yes, it’s me. I’m the other woman. I didn’t know he was married. But I was already in a place so desolate before I found out, I don’t think I can now face walking away. If you knew I had so little that an affair looked better than nothing, would you still view me with contempt or could you find compassion?

Please be kind. I am not in crisis, but I am very, very close. It’s humiliating, but it’s real. I just can’t go one more day when no one thinks of me at all. I‘m facing big physical health, mental health, work, child and financial issues and I just don’t think I can put someone else first right now. I’m hoping with some support from the wrong person I make it through to later when I can make better choices. I don’t yet know how, but it’s the only future I can see. It’s not that I can’t handle the break up itself. It’s that I can’t handle it on top of everything else. It’s just one loss too many, and after decades of getting by on not nearly enough.

Leave him out of it. It’s not about him. Don’t tell me I’m strong enough, that it’s not as bad as I think or that I deserve better. It makes no difference. I can’t believe those things into being. It’s better than nothing. And no one deserves nothing, surely? I’m so done. This is no life. [Redacted by MNHQ]

Nope, it’s not okay.

Get your validation elsewhere

If he's helping you through this all, then I can imagine why you feel it's the right choice for you.

I won't tell you that it may cause some other woman a huge amount of pain, as I expect you know that, and he is the one who is betraying her not you

But I would say make sire you aren't going to cause yourself more pain in the future when you fall for him and then torture yourself with the fact he will never ever be really yours.

My concern would always be how to trust him.

If he started your relationship as a lie wouldn't you always be thinking in the back of your mind how long u till he cheats on me?

No it's not "ok". The very fact you are feeling like this indicates just how damaging affairs can be. The evidence is right there in front of you how it destroys lives- it seems to have destroyed yours.

Please seek mental health support if you feel on the brink- go and see your GP and gets some support

There’s excuse for him to be cheating on his wife, or to have lied to you.

That said, if you were single when you met him and didn’t know he was married you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re not obligated to leave him now, anymore than his wife would be obligated to leave him if she found out. If either of you are foolish enough to accept his lies, accept that you’re not good enough for him to want without another woman on the side, accept the betrayal, accept that he will put his needs first and therefore accept the relationship despite now knowing the truth that’s up to you. He’s the one in the wrong, you’re just the one being weak enough to put up with it.

There's the possibility that this will make your life worse, it will cause you heartache and more upset.

You might be lucky OP. He might leave his wife for you like my husband did, turning our lives inside out in the process. You think you've got problems now, it's absolutely nothing in comparison to the hellfire that will come with this. Don't be a twat.

There are a million and one bits of information that make up a whole picture in these circumstances. Impossible to say what’s right and wrong. Nothing in life is straightforward and sometimes good people do bad things, doesn’t mean that they are bad people.

The only thing you should worry about now, is YOU. And other people’s opinions are unimportant.

No, it's not justifiable OP. Your pain doesn't give you a free pass to cause someone else pain. If you didn't know at the outset that the other person was married, then fine, that's not on you. But remaining with this cheating piece of shit now that you do know is not okay.

Get help for your MH crisis, be kind to yourself, but don't use someone else's cheating husband as your crutch, if only because it's not going to make you feel any better in the long run.

You are not the cheater so I would condemn the married man first.

No, never Ok. It destroys families and what's so appealing about being with someone who could lie like that.!

I mean it sounds like you're in an absolutely crap place. But I couldn't knowingly make a decision to do something or carry on doing something that could drag someone else into a similar place - his wife is the innocent party. I'm sure an affair looks better than nothing to some people, but does continuing an affair knowing the horrendous repercussions it will have on some poor innocent person like his wife genuinely look better than nothing? I'm not sure it does.

Realistically this isn't going to get you into a better place / make your life better, the likelihood is it'll blow up, he'll call it off and pick his wife, she'll find out and it'll cause drama.

Messing with someone else's life just because you feel crap is not the answer.

Fyi this is going to end in tears either way....

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place.

You're not being unfaithful, though. He is. So your question is misdirected, really.

She knows he's married and intends to carry on. That makes her equally to blame. Absolutely contemptuous.

I'm not going comment on the morality of your actions, but based your opening post, he clearly cannot provide what you need, you're only hurting yourself.

And his wife.

I can think of some reasons where I would view it as being understandable, although I doubt they are part of your scenario, but just in case they are: is the cheated on partner injured or ill to the extent they are now a different person and their partner is their carer (eg a brain injury or dementia)?

Overwhelmingly though, there isn’t a justification.

Continuing the relationship now she knows he is married is equally egregious, IMO.

But it doesn't make her 'equally to blame' at all^^

You're in a relationship with a liar and a cheat. A low-life. It's only a matter of time before he does the same to you.

You need to get out to protect yourself from his shabby behaviour. I hope you're ok OP.

I just can’t go one more day when no one thinks of me at all

My ex had a long affair. I can begin to explain what it did to me when it all eventually came to light. It has been a very, very long haul back to some kind of normality for me - we’re talking 15 years. I don’t trust because of what he did and consequently there is no one out there thinking about me. At all. My parents are long gone and I have no siblings so I deal with life’s tribulations alone. That’ not the OW’s fault. I don’t blame her for the affair - that was a choice my ex made for all of us. But the scars are real and the impact long-lasting.

You deserve better than to be lied to. You don’t deserve a cheat and a liar.

Nope. It destroys lives and causes massive trauma. Lies and deciet. It's despicable, no exceptions.

You sound very vulnerable OP. Tell him to piss off because he will be taking advantage of your vulnerability. You will regret continuing this. Please take care of yourself and don't feed his ego.

I'm sorry that your life is so difficult right now, but no, I'm sorry, I don't think infidelity is ever justifiable. Regardless of what your situation might be.

The thing is, if a man isn't prepared to split from his partner before getting into a new relationship, he isn't worth it. You need to find a little self respect because you deserve better than this. And so does the poor woman that he is cheating on.

Ditch him and focus on rebuilding your own life. Things might be tough right now, but this low-life isn't going to make things any better for you.

This. I don't think people realise the damage they cause, either that or they just don't care.