To think that infidelity is sometimes justifiable

[MarianaMonterey]

Not ok. And not forgiveable by you personally. But can you conceive of circumstances that seem so bleak, you’d choose to yourself or at least think ‘yeah, I can understand that’ of someone else.

Yes, it’s me. I’m the other woman. I didn’t know he was married. But I was already in a place so desolate before I found out, I don’t think I can now face walking away. If you knew I had so little that an affair looked better than nothing, would you still view me with contempt or could you find compassion?

Please be kind. I am not in crisis, but I am very, very close. It’s humiliating, but it’s real. I just can’t go one more day when no one thinks of me at all. I‘m facing big physical health, mental health, work, child and financial issues and I just don’t think I can put someone else first right now. I’m hoping with some support from the wrong person I make it through to later when I can make better choices. I don’t yet know how, but it’s the only future I can see. It’s not that I can’t handle the break up itself. It’s that I can’t handle it on top of everything else. It’s just one loss too many, and after decades of getting by on not nearly enough.

Leave him out of it. It’s not about him. Don’t tell me I’m strong enough, that it’s not as bad as I think or that I deserve better. It makes no difference. I can’t believe those things into being. It’s better than nothing. And no one deserves nothing, surely? I’m so done. This is no life. [Redacted by MNHQ]

OP, I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time.

How long have you known that this man is married? I can imagine that if he was providing the bright spot in your life before you found out, that this will be a blow, and if you have just found out, it must be difficult to process.

I can understand how, when we feel at rock bottom, it is really easy to cling to any bit of sweetness we can find by our fingernails – but he has proved himself a liar and a cheat, and this totally changes things. He has proved himself not to have your best interests at heart, and this exposes your vulnerabilities even more

Do you have any support for the challenges you are going through with health, finance etc? I agree with others who have suggested Samaritans. I’ve phoned them in the past when I’ve been struggling, and though they don’t provide a magic wand or advice, they do give a space to be heard and not judged. I’ve found it a really useful resource during some very dark times.

The older I get, the more I see that we have to find the sweetness in life within ourselves. Having someone beside us to share our joy can be a lovely thing, but we can't rely on another person to be the source of that joy.

I know that when you are close to rock bottom, it is really hard to believe that we have resources to create our own self worth and joy within ourselves – but those resources are honestly there. If getting some therapy will help access these resources, do that. If finding things you are interested in/you enjoy help you access them - do that. You are enough and you can get through this.

I agree,
But only when someone is in a relationship or married to an Arsehole who is either male or female 🤔

It's understandable then..

Or just leave?

Of course the cheater will say their spouse is an arsehole - but if they truly are to that extent, just pack up.

Plus if they're abusive, you're putting yourself in serious danger.

That is simply not true.

Yes the person who is married is to blame but the OW are complicit in the lies and deceit and the destruction of peoples lives. Often children in these situations are the innocent victims who have their familes torn apart and carry the trauma with them for many years.

It's utterly shameful behaviour.

@Servalan

Thank you for your good, emotionally intelligent post,

you are right,

It's post like yours, makes me wish if only i had known, about mumsnet many many years ago..

For those saying the OP doesn't owe the wife anything... surely we all owe each other decency?

You are demeaning yourself.
You're focussing on the scraps that he is throwing your way.

He belongs to someone else.

Leave him be and try to find some self respect.

Makes my blood boil ..the poor wife wounded what these ppl would think if they were the victim…ummmm exactly

ButtockUp
You are demeaning yourself.
You're focussing on the scraps that he is throwing your way

This. The affair is just someone who selfishly wants the home comforts and routine, but craves excitement with someone else so in order to keep those home comforts s/he lies. The lying takes away their partner's choice as to how they deal with affair. & the affair partner colludes in the lying on his say so. Sneaky.

But main aspect is, allowing a weak man to use you physically and mentally, and then go right back to those home comforts whilst you sit ruminating and sobbing over him and he isn't even worth it.

Too many women acting as if they'd die for the lack of a particular man, scared of missing him so will sit waiting for crumbs. Long live the patriarchy.

That is absolute nonsense. People are not perfect or without selfishness. I doubt there's anyone alive who's never intentionally hurt someone they love in some way or another.

Life is real, and isn't ruled by idealism.

I wouldn’t intentionally fuck another woman’s husband.

This is why this thread is 90% deeply unhelpful. Of course you would. If I held a gun to your head? Your mother’s head? Your child’s head? If you would be homeless without? If you couldn’t otherwise feed your children? I would. And so would most women. But instead of thinking for even one second about what it would really take, MrsMumsnet has (largely) just jumped right in with what you would do now, with the resources you have and the assumption that you never will, pausing only to scatter blame and shame on other women from her high horse! The patriarchy is taking notes!!!

Of course that isn’t happening. But down here in the real world, without your privileges, I’m faced with a horrible choice that I want to consider very carefully. I haven’t made a decision. And I haven’t intentionally fucked another women’s husband, either. I’ve only just found out and haven’t touched him since. The broad assumption that I have and care nothing for my fellow woman, and the equal blame and increased shame on me is misogynistic and ignorant.

I'm also wondering how men are able find mistresses? Because either they’re all excellent liars and hardly ever get found out (nope) Mumsnet is a seriously unrepresentative sample (perhaps they can’t reach you up on those high horses?) or some of you would make different choices in the real world.

People are not on their high horses. Plenty of posters ARE actually looking out for you, by trying to get you to see how futile affairs are, particularly for the OW.

If I held a gun to your head? Your mother’s head? Your child’s head? If you would be homeless without? If you couldn’t otherwise feed your children? I would.

These examples are pointless because as you have said, that isn't happening.
Clearly what is happening in your life doesn't warrant an affair, and an affair wont help at all, so you have given ludicrous examples instead, but since you have asked the question,

If you held a gun to my head, or my child's head, and my life or my child's life depended on me fucking another woman's husband, yes, I'd probably allow myself to be brutally raped! In terror for my life, yes! Frantically trying to unscramble my brain to think how to get as far away from the situation as fast as possible.
Would I derive any pleasure out of it? Absolutely not!
Would I want to do it? No.
Would I think of you or my rapist fondly? No.
Would I do it if I had a choice? No.

You can justify your choices with made up scenarios to try to convey your need for this man all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that whether a gun is being pointed at your head or any other reason, having sex with a lying cheating entitled selfish greedy untrustworthy arrogant excuse for a man who is cheating on his wife with you, is never going to help you.

The difference between you and most posters on here OP is that most women would be disgusted by his actions and wouldn't find him attractive at all once they discovered he was just another cheating married man. There'd be no angst or ruminating.
Perhaps instead of made up scenarios, how about you explain how fucking a lying cheating untrustworthy man on his terms 100% of the time helps you? What exactly does it help with?
Does it help to make you feel like shit?
Does it help to remind you how insignificant you think you are?
Does it help you to sit waiting by your phone until he can message you?
Does it help to sit alone at home while he's with his wife and kids?
I mean, what are the positives? 🤔

To clarify, if somebody was threatening to kill me and the only way I could save my life was to shag him I would. That is the only way I would knowingly go near another woman’s man.

Sex work ie shagging a man for money to feed and house yourself and your kids is totally different.

You are a free agent with the power to walk away. If you stay, own your shit and don’t blame anybody or anything else.

What on earth are you taking about?

If you continue seeing him, you’re just like any other mistress.

You don’t have ‘horrible choice;’ its simple

Don’t fuck another woman’s husband now that you DO know leave him the fuck alone

I think both you and his wife are victims of this man.

That said, now you do know, you have a choice to make and that decision does reflect on you in terms of what type of person you want to be. I understand life is shit for you right now and maybe you love him, but your self-esteem will be much higher if you make the right choice.

There is no choice he is married he has a wife he isn’t hers and morally do the right thing this poor wife she is the victim

You're self flagellating here. I blame him more as the one who has a partner and you for being naive and lonely enough to ignore flags. But you know that already. It is never OK. The person in the relationship should leave before they stick body parts into someone they aren't with behind a partners back. Simple.

This all seems a bit melodramatic nonsense to me. Of course, women who are raped/coerced into sex with a married man have no choice in the matter.And women who are forced into prostitution in order to feed their kids or keep a roof over their heads may also have little choice in the matter. Neither of those situations are remotely comparable to knowingly engaging in an affair with a married man. I understand that you feel that your life is difficult but that doesn't make it OK to shag someone else's husband. You asked whether it is ever justifiable and the response from MN is that it isn't. There is no point in asking a question if you're going to get upset about the response. People are not going to come on here and say, poor you, your life is hard so of course you can sleep with someone who is married to someone else. What kind of response did you actually expect?It is not misogynistic or ignorant to believe that extramarital affairs are wrong. It would be misogynistic and ignorant to suggest that the OW is the one to blame for such affairs while the married man takes no responsibility, but that isn't what people have said. In fact, many of us have expressed the view that you deserve better than this as well as this man's wife.

Oops. Typed with paragraphs but they seem to have vanished when posting....apologies!!

I get that you're feeling pretty desperate right now, but continuing this relationship now that you know the truth about him is only going to do you harm. You need to recognise that the person you have fallen for isn't real, it's all been an act to lure you in. He's a nasty, manipulative, lying, cheating scumbag. That's the truth. Stop clinging to your dream, because it is just a dream. The reality is that you've been conned. I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Instead of mourning over what you thought you had, you need to get angry. This man has seen you in a vulnerable position and thought you'd be a good ego boost for him. He can have a nice bit on the side with someone who'll be so grateful to have him, while keeping his nice comfy home life too. What a horrible man he is.

No one is holding a gun to your head either though- you are screwing another womand husband feeling sorry for yourself. You can stop the affair, but you want to feel desired at a cost of someone else's happiness and mental health. You wanted a 'helpful' thread with people telling you it's ok to sleep with a married man and now you are disappointed because with fewexceptions no one will tell you it's cool to carry on f*ing up someone else's life only to feel better about yourself. Well, it's not. The choice you face is not 'awful'. It's only so because you are desperate to feel wanted- which is normal, we all do. But you are now with a man for whom you are the low hanging fruit, he picked oyu because he knew you would rely on him, the sooner you realise that, the better. The fact you said you dont care about anyone else really gave a flavour of your thinking and I really cant muster much sympathy for you.

OP, I am struggling to identify what your horrible choice is.
Heres another little piece of info for you...Once I was the OW. When I was much younger, and he was my boss. I thought I loved him and I thought he loved me too. Actually he only loved himself and he was disgusting and cruel for what he did to me and what he did to his wife. I was very vulnerable and he took advantage of that and used his power to his advantage.
I'm not angry at the women my partner (not the man above!) cheated on me with. I feel sad for them, especially the one he managed to move into our home and get pregnant within 3 months of me leaving. I'm not even angry at my ex to be honest I just hate him and never want to see him again because he's a horrible nasty piece of work. It certainly wasn't a horrible choice when I found out what he was doing, he made it really easy to finally walk away for good. It hurt like a knife in the heart but there was no going back.
But please be for fucking real. You don't have a horrible choice, it doesn't matter if you feel you have nothing else in your life. This man is stealing time from his wife and stealing time for you. He is vile, a liar, and you're absolutely enabling him. Cut him off and move on. Find other ways to bring yourself joy. Your soul mate is never a man who is in a relationship with someone else and you're kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

@Zola1, I think you're probably struggling to identify what the horrible choice is because there really isn't one.

From what she has said in her OP, it seems that she simply doesn't feel that she should have to give this up because everything else in her life is shit. Sadly, what she doesn't seem to properly understand is that this relationship is shit too.

I feel sorry for her feeling that everything is so bleak, but I don't see how sleeping with another woman's husband is going to make things any better.