To think that infidelity is sometimes justifiable

[MarianaMonterey]

Not ok. And not forgiveable by you personally. But can you conceive of circumstances that seem so bleak, you’d choose to yourself or at least think ‘yeah, I can understand that’ of someone else.

Yes, it’s me. I’m the other woman. I didn’t know he was married. But I was already in a place so desolate before I found out, I don’t think I can now face walking away. If you knew I had so little that an affair looked better than nothing, would you still view me with contempt or could you find compassion?

Please be kind. I am not in crisis, but I am very, very close. It’s humiliating, but it’s real. I just can’t go one more day when no one thinks of me at all. I‘m facing big physical health, mental health, work, child and financial issues and I just don’t think I can put someone else first right now. I’m hoping with some support from the wrong person I make it through to later when I can make better choices. I don’t yet know how, but it’s the only future I can see. It’s not that I can’t handle the break up itself. It’s that I can’t handle it on top of everything else. It’s just one loss too many, and after decades of getting by on not nearly enough.

Leave him out of it. It’s not about him. Don’t tell me I’m strong enough, that it’s not as bad as I think or that I deserve better. It makes no difference. I can’t believe those things into being. It’s better than nothing. And no one deserves nothing, surely? I’m so done. This is no life. [Redacted by MNHQ]

OP I hear you. I don't prescribe to the MN that people who cheat are vile lowlife scum because I'm an adult who realises that life is not as black and white, as many people want to pretend. It's grey and messy.

My concern for you however, would be that you will come out of this feeling worse.

Remember you are all posting on a website, which the founder has written movingly about her affair and how she left her husband.

Mumsnet co-founder Justine Roberts leaves her Channel 4 executive husband Ian Katz after 25 years of marriage after being hit by 'tornado of love' for someone else. Justine Roberts, co-founder of parenting website Mumsnet.9 Jan 2023

People fall in love even if they are married. The law does not recognise a crime. Some posters are really dismissive about their partners and speak of them in such a derogatory way. They are then so indignant when their marriage fails.

I didn't know that Justine had an affair, but frankly, what difference does it make? It doesn't change my view on the matter.

And yes, of course it's possible for people to fall in love with someone else while being married. I just think people should have the courtesy to end their existing relationship before starting a new one. It isn't a big ask.

This isn’t altruism. He wants sex in the future and will to take a little break until the OP calms down.

He’s probably finding someone else to fill the gap while that little break happens. If he can’t be faithful to the wife he’s not going to give a second thought about cheating on the OW.

Can you focus on building up a network and proper friendships?

There is a high chance that when/if his wife finds out you will be dropped like a stone. There’s a reason there is a piece of writing called ‘The Script’. It’s possible to find it on line.

Its tedious. It’s not unique or special just the selfishness of a midlife cake eater who should have the guts to work on his marriage or divorce.

The good thing with having an affair is you know 100% for certain that he is a liar. There is no shock when his actions don’t match his words.

If he’s just helping you with your problems and there’s nothing illicit going on, why can’t the wife know about it?
The deception is the issue.

Understanding how it can happen doesn’t make it justifiable. You can even understand how some people end up committing murder. Doesn’t make it justifiable.

I can confirm I do not give a fuck about how anyone writes movingly about their affair. I can also confirm that just because something is not a crime does not make it OK. Weird thinking. The second someone decides they've "fallen in love" outside of their relationship, they need to get out before sleeping with or entertaining a third party.

I don't understand why you're upset about this? Do you think for a minute that there is a happily married man? They are all miserable.

Perhaps the man was happier with you than he had been with his wife in years. He would not have cheated on her if he had been happy with her. If you think you did something right in leaving the relationship, so be it, but in my opinion you did nothing wrong by being with him. Humanity's morals are just chains that suffocate them. Don't feel guilty about anything!

I'm not going to comment on the rights and wrongs of this. Only you can know the whole situation and the choices you face.

However, you asked a very specific question and people have answered. You then read their replies and attacked the posters who have given you the answer you didn't want to hear 😕

Not sure what the point of your post actually is because it doesn't seem to be listening to the answers

The loss of my 20 relationship to an affair was profound and has left scars on me for life. I don't think anyone thought of my feelings or my children whilst they had their fun. My DC were 7 and 5 when the marriage broke down and it changed their lives forever - both have faced struggles with their mental health, one still does 18 years later. XH dumped the girlfriend, and was distraught not to be living with his children anymore. He has ended up with someone else down the line.

I can't see any real winners in the situation. Just pain all round.

Good point, at least you would get paid. That’s what these silly women don’t understand with a married man, is that while you are trying to poach him from his wife, that’s all you are, a bit cleaner, safer and cheaper than a SW.

Hardly a compliment.

You can keep telling yourself that @coldcallerbaiter but you're ignoring the fact that many affairs are also emotional, rather than transactional. People don't like to admit that for some reason but for anyone in a long-term affair, it's rarely just about sex.

😂😂😂😂😂

He's fucky because he f*s 2 women, one desperate and dependant on his help and not likely to go away, the other not suspecting anything and probably reliant on him, not likely to walk away as she is unaware of the cheating. Having a cake and eating it, living his best life. Everyone would be happy!
Well, except for us chained and suffocated by our morals...

I think there are loads of reasons why it might be ok. But I also think that the person married is the cheat not the person they cheat with. They are the ones who has made the promises to the other person.

WTF

You didn’t know he was married at the start of your affair…. Ok so this shows us what sort of man he is. He is lying to his wife everyday, he obviously lied to you for you to not know he was married so I’m pretty sure he’ll lie again in the future.

If you knew I had so little that an affair looked better than nothing, would you still view me with contempt or could you find compassion?

Why would you expect compassion? You now know he has a wife and are continuing with this affair. Yes he’s the one doing the cheating but I couldn’t imagine being ok with it knowing how much pain you’re going to cause his wife and just selfishly carrying on.

This is the real issue, not the sex or the money. Its the deceit!
If this man's wife was completely aware and perfectly happy for her husband to fuck another woman, or part with money to a woman he was fucking, it wouldnt be a problem at all!
It's the secrecy and the deceit which makes it wrong.

OMG! PAYING ME FOR SEX?! No! Not at all.

I have a niche business. It’s failing. We are living substantially on savings. I’m certain it can improved. I need to decide how much of my finite savings to invest or not, and whether to get a job instead/of as well as and split my very, very finite time and energy. I have been avoiding both problems for months because I simply don’t know what to do. I could have done both, but now I have a roof leak, a root canal and major car repair. I’m absolutely willing to put in the work, but genuinely do not know what to work on. If I don’t do something, in matter of months I will have no money. I don’t qualify for any benefits because I own the mortgaged premises in my personal name.

He’s offering to sit down and go through it with me. He’s offering to shopfit if it helps. He’s offering to look at my CV, sit with me while I apply for things, he’s suggested things I haven’t thought of. I genuinely don’t feel employable. I have no references. I haven’t worked for someone else for decades. I’m burnt out and making mistakes just at home. He’s kind and reassuring and doesn’t just say ‘you can do it’, but gives me first step to get a hold on it. For example, There are things I can’t do because of my ND kid and her pets and he understands why I can’t just give the pets away, or insist she is more NT which seems like the obvious solution to an outsider. Why I can’t just get a job in Tesco, because every moment on my feet limits the years I will be able walk, even though I’m active now. It just seems more manageable when someone who knows me and how things are looks it from my perspective. I just need a friend who knows me well enough to see the problem from my perspective and has some experience of the kind of issues I’m facing. I could absolutely pour it all out the Samaritans, or my carer neighbour but I’d be no further on.

I genuinely feel without SOME support I will fall apart and just stop getting up in the morning. If I do there is no one between my kid and social services. I couldn’t have imagined how awful that felt until I ended up there.

@MarianaMonterey Your circumstances are awful- still, it is no excuse or justification to sleep with a married man. Nothing will make that infidelity justifiable, regardless of what you want to hear.

But I feel for you because as a mum of a ND kid, things ar eoften shit and people will often not understand that. So with all the other things in your life, I know it can feel daunting.

The problem is- you are going to be more and more reliant on his help. He has good suggestions, but they push you further into the relationship that is not appropriate. We dont know his reasons, maybe he comes from a good place, or maybe he wants someone fully dependent on him (because you need help and then you will be more and more grateful and you will not be able to walk away because you will owe him so much).

I guess the choice is- would he still be into it if you were just friends? How has he justified being married and leading you on lying during all that time? If he was a true friend he would not be shagging you and offered help as such. Do you know of his wife circumstances and can be sure she is not in a similar position (ill, financially dependent?). Is his support of any use (can he actually improve your CV, or knows shit about how to write them and the advice will be pointless and superficial, but will give you an illusion he is helping?).

Also, are you on support group for parents of ND kids on social media? I have had some amazing support and advice over the years whe nI was really down, and lots of pointers towards things I could do to help with certain things. My friend used free legal and financial advice provided by professionals on FB with her business. Im sure people will be able to offer something a bit more substancial and you will be able to find places that can help with no strings attached.

Apologies for the drip feed. It’s not my intention. Life has been SO complex and difficult for years. I feel like a jenga tower on the brink. His help and support may be wobbly and in no way ideal. But it’s better than collapse. And I genuinely feel I have no alternative. GP isn’t interested. I’m not depressed, I don’t have anxiety. I’ve a ton to cope with and I can feed and clean us, therefore I’m coping. It’s not their job to find me support. It isn’t anyone’s job.

The thing is he could have offered you all that help without lying about his marital status to trick you into a relationship. Someone said earlier about him having a hero complex and I very much agree. If you do accept help from him he is likely to use it as an excuse to stay in your life. It will be a carrot kept dangling in front of you just out of reach to stop you finding help elsewhere because you're expecting him to deliver on his promises. I understand why you'd want to take his help in your situation, but don't ever forget that this man is not trustworthy and is only serving his own interests.

If you agree him to do the shop fitting I bet he will start but then keep putting off finishing, and you'll have sunk more money into your business and be even more committed to it and it will be even harder to get out.

The idea that he's going to give you all this help so that you can get on with your life is bullshit, why on earth would he do that? He's got you exactly where he wants you, so desperate for his help that you're willing to overlook his appalling treatment of you and his wife in order to keep whatever scraps he throws your way.

You're looking at this man as your possible saviour. He is not. He is a bad man who has preyed on your vulnerability. If you accept help from him you're letting him have huge amounts of power over you. I know right now you're feeling like he is your best chance of improving your situation, but keeping him around will make your situation worse in the long term.

Yes, and I have tried all those options, with no success so far. I can’t say I’ve tried EVERYTHING. But I have used every resource I’m aware of and can find. I’m out. I’m out of ideas. And I’ve never, ever been out before. I’ve always believed I’ll get through. Now, I don’t. He hasn’t any specialist knowledge, but he has business experience and is generally clued up. I don’t even have a CV. It’s a good start.