To think that infidelity is sometimes justifiable

[MarianaMonterey]

Not ok. And not forgiveable by you personally. But can you conceive of circumstances that seem so bleak, you’d choose to yourself or at least think ‘yeah, I can understand that’ of someone else.

Yes, it’s me. I’m the other woman. I didn’t know he was married. But I was already in a place so desolate before I found out, I don’t think I can now face walking away. If you knew I had so little that an affair looked better than nothing, would you still view me with contempt or could you find compassion?

Please be kind. I am not in crisis, but I am very, very close. It’s humiliating, but it’s real. I just can’t go one more day when no one thinks of me at all. I‘m facing big physical health, mental health, work, child and financial issues and I just don’t think I can put someone else first right now. I’m hoping with some support from the wrong person I make it through to later when I can make better choices. I don’t yet know how, but it’s the only future I can see. It’s not that I can’t handle the break up itself. It’s that I can’t handle it on top of everything else. It’s just one loss too many, and after decades of getting by on not nearly enough.

Leave him out of it. It’s not about him. Don’t tell me I’m strong enough, that it’s not as bad as I think or that I deserve better. It makes no difference. I can’t believe those things into being. It’s better than nothing. And no one deserves nothing, surely? I’m so done. This is no life. [Redacted by MNHQ]

I disagree. The minute she discovered he was married she should have walked away. Not bloody carried on.

I don't think it's morally okay, but I do think there's situations where it's understandable or can see how two otherwise normal people make some bad decisions.

In your case, when this goes wrong or blows up (and it is 99% a case of when rather than if) it's likely to place an even greater strain on your mental health.

Are there any services you can self refer to?

Yes, it's understandable, in the terms you say: it's not okay, but I understand why you're doing it.

But. And it's quite a big but.

It's a poor choice, in the same way that neglecting your health or abandoning your friends or drinking to excess would all be poor choices, but also understandable when you're in this pain. It puts you in self destruct mode: you will almost certainly feel worse if/when this all goes tits up.

It's unhealthy to rely on one person to keep you going in life, no matter who that person is, but it's even less healthy to put such faith in someone who is a liar and a cheat. It could so easily go so wrong, for you and for his family.

Sorry no I don’t think so and especially when the cheating spouse has children. Cheaters can obviously compartmentalise their lives, how else are they kissing their kids good night one minute and then shagging some random the next. Cheating is never about the person they are seeing and if it wasn’t her/ him it would be someone else, because simply put the cheater is inadequate in some way.

You are in the wrong now that you know and are continuing.

The life you're ruining is yours.
I disagree with the narrative that the wife of the man who sought an affair (and had one) is really losing anything valuable.

the wife might, but probably won't, lose a shit husband.

I think so often, women are better off on their own. If I'm wishing peace, stability, independence, fulfilment for the "ow" then I also wish that for the wife of a cheat.

Change is hard though.

What I think is that things are rarely clear cut or black and white. I've known many many people who've been unfaithful to differing degrees. Some just because they could, but were absolutely the minority.

The others have included women in arranged marriages, men and women in abusive relationships, men in very unhappy relationships who didn't want to leave because they didn't want to not see their children every day, women with low self esteem who responded to flattery, those who were in varying states of drunkenness, a woman whose husband was in the throes of dementia etc.

Sometimes it's quite easy to understand and justify. Sometimes good decent people do things which are neither good nor decent.

He deceived you and tricked you into the relationship. No doubt he saw you were vulnerable and took full advantage. IMO in this case you're a victim too. For you own good though really you need to walk away now that you know. It might feel that this is better for you than nothing but all it's actually doing is keeping you trapped as a victim. If you can't break out of that right now then I'd suggest you continue to use him for what you need until you can - and work towards that day coming as soon as possible. He has already cheated on his wife and if you ended it he'd quickly move onto someone else no doubt.

The person I can't excuse here is the man. He is the one messing with everyone's lives. You're just another victim.

You're contributing to her heartache if and when she finds out. Contributing to the sadness of another.

Of course it’s not justifiable. It’s moral
cowardice.

If someone is unhappy in a relationship, they should end the relationship.

I hope things get better for you.

I think too much is made of infidelity.
There are bigger things in life to be concerned with.
Being upset with infidelity shows insecurity imo.

This This This.

It says a lot about a person’s character. Is that the person you’re happy to be?

I’m so sorry OP. You were already in a horrible situation and then this man decided to exploit your state of mind and deceive you because he fancied a little extra-marital sex.

I’d suggest you call the Samaritans for a chat, they won’t judge and they’re eager to provide you with supportive listening. You can reach them on phone number 116123.

As to infidelity - you aren’t the one being unfaithful.

Hmm but surely you realise that the longer you stay the worse the break-up will be when it happens? Forgetting everyone else for a moment, the best thing for you is to finish it now. The sooner you start getting over it the better.

No.

You don't get to mess up someone else's life/children’s lives under the excuse of your mental health. Don't be that dick.

It's all fake and lies anyway. You don't love him because you love a person that doesn't exist.

Absolute crap.

If you genuinely didn't know he was married at the time, rather than just pretending to yourself, then yes I'd feel compassion for the situation you got into

But not for staying in it now you know ... and there's no point in remaining with him anyway since a cheater will break your heart too without a second thought

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. The person you thought you could count on to support you has completely lied about who he is. That must hurt like hell. Keeping him around will do more damage to your mental health long term, he clearly is not trustworthy and does not respect you. The person you thought he was does not exist. You are completely innocent right up to the point where you found out he's married, but I'm afraid if you don't end it you are guilty from here on in. From the outside, I do rather wonder if you're current vulnerability is exactly why he targeted you. A decent person would not put you in this position on top of everything else you've got going on. If you can't bring yourself to end it right this moment, start making your moves to. Is there anyone else who could offer you support?

I've cheated while in relationships in my earlier years (late teens/early twenties) and been the "other woman" once - many moons ago. I knew it was wrong but I didn't care enough at the time as I was young and loved the thrill of it all. However, once children/marriage vows are in the picture then I absolutely wouldn't and haven't.

For me the biggest reason not to cheat (besides the fact that I simply don't want to be that person) would be fear of being diminished in my children's eyes. They look up to me, see me as a moral barometer of sorts and I would hate to destroy that. Think about how your children would view you if they knew.

It's desperate and tacky and you're better than that OP. I understand why you don't want to end things but it's not worth it: Don't potentially ruin your relationship with your DC for some snake of a man.

No, its never justifiable. Just 2 selfish people with not the gumption to deal with their life issues so will seek pleasure and lie to innocents to get that. Unfaithfulness is common enough but at least own it dont woe is me its not my fault oh what shall I doooo...

& that goes for both parties.

Bollocks. It's life ruining. Take it from me.

Yes sometimes it's justified.
For self preservation or forcing your hand out of an abusive relationship for example. Life is never black and white.

What I would say to you is your well being should never rely on someone else. You have to strive for independence, even if that means therapy, feeling lonely etc

Often on here I see the reason that people are scared of finishing a relationship are because of the fear of loneliness.

I say loneliness is a gift, a process once you come out the other side of it, become comfortable and confident in your own skin and company, you will never compromise your own boundaries again. Especially not for a shit man.

I get it op. I’ve been the OW too. I fell for his lies that the marriage was over and they were just friends who lived together for financial reasons.

Has he told you that they don’t sleep together/she has MH issues etc yet? That’s what mine said. All bollocks of course!

My advice is end it now - because in all likelihood he won’t leave his wife and will end things with you if she finds out or if he thinks she’s about to. Then you’ll feel even worse.

Take control and be the one to end it now.

Me too. The marriage was pretty shit anyway but the absolute betrayal and behaviour of my XH (and yes the OW) damaged me forever and I have never had a functional relationship since (16 years now).
OP your pain doesn't give you free pass to shit all over someone else or behave with no morals. I'm sorry your life is awful but no those isn't the answer. You don't make yourself better by making someone else worse.