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Original poster

To think that infidelity is sometimes justifiable

236 replies

MarianaMonterey · 01/04/2024 16:25

Not ok. And not forgiveable by you personally. But can you conceive of circumstances that seem so bleak, you’d choose to yourself or at least think ‘yeah, I can understand that’ of someone else.

Yes, it’s me. I’m the other woman. I didn’t know he was married. But I was already in a place so desolate before I found out, I don’t think I can now face walking away. If you knew I had so little that an affair looked better than nothing, would you still view me with contempt or could you find compassion?

Please be kind. I am not in crisis, but I am very, very close. It’s humiliating, but it’s real. I just can’t go one more day when no one thinks of me at all. I‘m facing big physical health, mental health, work, child and financial issues and I just don’t think I can put someone else first right now. I’m hoping with some support from the wrong person I make it through to later when I can make better choices. I don’t yet know how, but it’s the only future I can see. It’s not that I can’t handle the break up itself. It’s that I can’t handle it on top of everything else. It’s just one loss too many, and after decades of getting by on not nearly enough.

Leave him out of it. It’s not about him. Don’t tell me I’m strong enough, that it’s not as bad as I think or that I deserve better. It makes no difference. I can’t believe those things into being. It’s better than nothing. And no one deserves nothing, surely? I’m so done. This is no life. [Redacted by MNHQ]

OP posts:
MsLuxLisbon · 02/04/2024 22:51

StormingNorman · 02/04/2024 21:09

What is the bad stuff and the consequences? And what practical support or help is he giving you?

Not being difficult here, it’s a genuine question because if you are in serious trouble then it could mitigate what you are doing to his family.

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No, it couldn't. OP doesn't deserve help, she is a selfish so and so.

coldcallerbaiter · 02/04/2024 22:59

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/04/2024 16:34

She knows he's married and intends to carry on. That makes her equally to blame. Absolutely contemptuous.

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agree.

it is the woman that gives the green light.

no ow, no affair.

hate this type of woman.

WandaWonder · 02/04/2024 23:12

StormingNorman · 02/04/2024 21:09

What is the bad stuff and the consequences? And what practical support or help is he giving you?

Not being difficult here, it’s a genuine question because if you are in serious trouble then it could mitigate what you are doing to his family.

Show quote history

No it couldn't

coastalhawk · 02/04/2024 23:13

I think there are much much worse things that people do that we excuse. People treat it like it's the worse thing you can do to someone. I don't agree whatsoever. The meaning we ascribe fidelity is all constructed. It's real and I don't want to be cheated on but I don't think it has to do with love or being a bad person. And no I've never cheated. I have been cheated on, mildly. Got over it. Much more harmed by his negging and coldness...

StormingNorman · 02/04/2024 23:27

WandaWonder · 02/04/2024 23:12

No it couldn't

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I can’t comprehend the circumstances either. Particularly if it’s only bankruptcy. People get through that every day. If it is genuinely life or death as the OP has alluded to, I want to know what it is before making up my mind”.

Cronchy · 02/04/2024 23:38

You’re making a choice. Support for you and ruin her family, or no support for you but you’ve done the right thing. It’s a choice either way, whatever you pick. It sounds like you’re trying to justify it to yourself though that you need and deserve to do this and it’s not that bad because your life is hard.

would you still view me with contempt or could you find compassion?
surely you’re not really asking if the woman who’s life you’re thinking of helping blow up, could be compassionate to you because you’re having a hard time and so chose to shag her husband?

DeeCeeCherry · 03/04/2024 00:15

All this over a man. He must be called Diamond Dick The God, Last Man Standing In The World

LifeExperience · 03/04/2024 00:16

He's bailing you out of financial problems because he has shagged you and hopes to do so again. There's a word for women who exchange sex for money...

I was the wife in this scenario. No sympathy from me.

Loki64 · 03/04/2024 00:20

"It destroys families" - the family was already broken for the infidelity to start.

WandaWonder · 03/04/2024 00:29

Loki64 · 03/04/2024 00:20

"It destroys families" - the family was already broken for the infidelity to start.

To me it is a choice - a person who in a relationship cheats is solely 100% responsible for that cheating, but does not mean another person has to join in, I have taught my child that sure a friend may decide to shoplift or so something else stupid does not mean you have to join in.

This is a lesson children learn, adults should already know it but then if I have to justify my actions to myself let alone anyone else I have automatically lost

niadainud · 03/04/2024 00:32

I get it. Whatever determines that some people find it easy to meet a loving, supportive, trustworthy partner early in their adult life, whereas others suffer abuse, recurrent disappointment or simply extended periods of soliitude and loneliness, it is not just a matter of "being a good person". Some of it comes down to upbringing and attachment patterns - and a lot of it is simply luck.

So yes, I get the "any port in a storm" mentality when things feel desperate and you don't have the strength to turn down support that's offered by the "wrong" person.

BurnoutGP · 03/04/2024 01:33

niadainud · 03/04/2024 00:32

I get it. Whatever determines that some people find it easy to meet a loving, supportive, trustworthy partner early in their adult life, whereas others suffer abuse, recurrent disappointment or simply extended periods of soliitude and loneliness, it is not just a matter of "being a good person". Some of it comes down to upbringing and attachment patterns - and a lot of it is simply luck.

So yes, I get the "any port in a storm" mentality when things feel desperate and you don't have the strength to turn down support that's offered by the "wrong" person.

Edited

I've never had these things. I've been married and have had long term relationships. I'm 50 odd with 2 children and a good job. I had a terrible upbringing and an abusive father and have clearly never patterned normal healthy relationships.
Oh I've also never cheated or been with a married man. Funny.

MississippiAF · 03/04/2024 03:24

MarianaMonterey · 02/04/2024 20:08

I don’t know what isn’t coming across here, but I have NO SUPPORT. Not little support. Not bad support. Not less-than-ideal support. None. ZERO PEOPLE. I have real, life changing, time critical problems and no one else to help. It isn’t a bit shit. I’m not having a hard time. I’m not a bit down. It’s bad stuff with real consequences. He’s offering to help. He has already helped. No conditions. If he’s lowlife scum, he’s lowlife scum that is showing up and doing stuff I can’t do on my own right now, even though I normally do. It doesn’t matter if you or even I, think I should have someone better to help me. I don’t. It’s his help or none. That’s my choice. I hate it.

I’m really confused about what my self esteem has to do with anything? This isn’t about what I think of me or what I think I deserve from men. This is about who is prepared to physically and emotionally show up for me right now. It’s not that I don’t want or deserve better. It’s that I don’t HAVE it. Of course I’d prefer to have someone else to ask. I don’t.

I need practical help and emotional support. He is offering. No one else is. It’s that simple. I don’t just want to keep having sex. I need actual help. Can I only have self respect or self esteem when I don’t need help? Do other women not sometimes need help? Does it make it ok if we don’t have sex? Are people assuming there was nothing else to it at all? I respect that people might think it’s indefensible. But the focus is entirely on devaluing me and my situation in order to make me a villain. (I haven’t even said what the problems are. I don’t think anyone has even asked, let alone been ready with an alternative)

And I haven’t done anything yet. I’ve only just found out and am trying to process things.

It’s not that it isn’t coming across; it’s that that still doesn’t justify it.

No, no compassion. No, needing help does not change anything. Especially if it’s money

And you don’t sound vulnerable like your first post suggested; you sound angry.

MississippiAF · 03/04/2024 03:31

MississippiAF · 03/04/2024 03:24

It’s not that it isn’t coming across; it’s that that still doesn’t justify it.

No, no compassion. No, needing help does not change anything. Especially if it’s money

And you don’t sound vulnerable like your first post suggested; you sound angry.

Edited
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And why can’t he just help you without sex?

If he won’t…. There’s your answer.

merrymelodies · 03/04/2024 05:21

Infidelity is never advisable. Better to end an unhappy relationship first and then, maybe, be with the other person. Can a cheat be trusted? Unlikely.

Bestyearever2024 · 03/04/2024 06:23

You have just discovered that your lover is married

Since discovering this, you haven't had sex with him

You want to continue seeing him as he is the only person you know who can help with your financial/bankruptcy situation

You want to know if MN feels it is OK for you to continue to see him as he is the only person who can help you

MN is essentially saying if he will help you, no strings attached, no sex required, just a friend helping another friend - OK

You seem to be saying he will do this - no relationship/sex needed for him to continue to help you

If the above is true, I'm not sure what the problem is - you get someone to help you , you no longer need to betray his wife

JanefromLondon1 · 03/04/2024 06:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

labamba007 · 03/04/2024 06:41

MarianaMonterey · 02/04/2024 20:08

I don’t know what isn’t coming across here, but I have NO SUPPORT. Not little support. Not bad support. Not less-than-ideal support. None. ZERO PEOPLE. I have real, life changing, time critical problems and no one else to help. It isn’t a bit shit. I’m not having a hard time. I’m not a bit down. It’s bad stuff with real consequences. He’s offering to help. He has already helped. No conditions. If he’s lowlife scum, he’s lowlife scum that is showing up and doing stuff I can’t do on my own right now, even though I normally do. It doesn’t matter if you or even I, think I should have someone better to help me. I don’t. It’s his help or none. That’s my choice. I hate it.

I’m really confused about what my self esteem has to do with anything? This isn’t about what I think of me or what I think I deserve from men. This is about who is prepared to physically and emotionally show up for me right now. It’s not that I don’t want or deserve better. It’s that I don’t HAVE it. Of course I’d prefer to have someone else to ask. I don’t.

I need practical help and emotional support. He is offering. No one else is. It’s that simple. I don’t just want to keep having sex. I need actual help. Can I only have self respect or self esteem when I don’t need help? Do other women not sometimes need help? Does it make it ok if we don’t have sex? Are people assuming there was nothing else to it at all? I respect that people might think it’s indefensible. But the focus is entirely on devaluing me and my situation in order to make me a villain. (I haven’t even said what the problems are. I don’t think anyone has even asked, let alone been ready with an alternative)

And I haven’t done anything yet. I’ve only just found out and am trying to process things.

OP why are you posting? Are you hoping to get a 'yes, in some circumstances it's fine to have a relationship with a married man.' Because you won't get that here. You won't get what you're looking for. FWIW he is to blame as he made his vows to his wife that he is breaking. But I can't understand why you're trying to get support on here. Be happy with your decision - you seem sure it's the right thing to do. And I genuinely hope you get the help you need.

funnybunny2 · 03/04/2024 06:48

Personally I think it's ok.
He's the cheater not you.
You didn't knowingly embark on an affair with a married man.
He's low value, the wife isn't losing much by the affair continuing, he's already broken everything they had (probably not for the first time)
If she knew/found out, what does it matter if it was for a year or 2 years?
I think if you need him just to get you through until other areas of your life improve then why not? Otherwise he's the only one getting what he wants
There's nothing in your post that suggests you are under any illusion that the affair means anything to him long term or that are hoping to become anything more an an affair.
I would be aiming to get yourself out of it as soon as you are well enough - it's bound to be part of your depression issues, but use him as a crutch to get yourself in a better place

MushMonster · 03/04/2024 06:53

Cheaters do choose vulnerable people as the bit on the side, often enough. The worst kind of cheater does.
Whatever bad you think it will be, you will always be better without a man that counts on you accepting to be treated in any way he chooses to. It does not matter how much suger he puts into it, he is a user.

funnybunny2 · 03/04/2024 06:54

I believe you when you say you have no one else.
I was in a similar position with an (unmarried) man who had other women on the go (I didn't know about them for a while).
I used him as much as he used me, just to get through a difficult patch when I had no other support.
Ironically life is even worse for me now, but I cut him off a while ago because I knew having him around was becoming more draining than enriching and I didn't/couldn't give anyone anything I was/am struggling so much.
If you can find a person who gives more than they take, enjoy it while it lasts and try and fill your cup while you can

abracadabra1980 · 03/04/2024 07:04

RosaBaby2 · 01/04/2024 16:42

Nope. It destroys lives and causes massive trauma. Lies and deciet. It's despicable, no exceptions.

This. No justification for destroying lives whatsoever.

Hellandbackand · 03/04/2024 07:06

MarianaMonterey · 02/04/2024 20:33

He says so, if I want that. He has so been so far. It wasn’t just sex. He really was there for me in a lot of ways.

If had anyone else, I’d be asking them. But I don’t. I keep saying it, and it doesn’t feel like people believe me.

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I don't think you'll get solace or answers on MN I'm afraid. The vibe is very much affairs= evil and therefore people who have them are evil too.

What I will say OP is I hear you. When a man enters your life and becomes your best friend and confidante, and is there listening to you and providing support, it's incredibly hard to walk away. And then you become enmeshed, because you can't talk to other people any more because they will judge you harshly because of the affair and so you keep it bottled in and the only person you can talk to is him. And so it gets deeper and more complicated and harder to stop and extricate yourself.

I didn't understand though that the fall out when it does come crashing down would be worse than anything else I could have imagined. And then you are left with no one. At the worst possible time.

So pick a time of your choosing and try to pull back. Although this man may seem to be the only one there for you. Maybe just maybe you can look for others? You met him.somehow so maybe you can meet other people, friends? If you don't start now then when it does crash you'll be back with nothing. Even if he leaves his wife the fallout may destroy what you have. Even if it doesn't, it is not healthy to.have only 1 friend who is also your lover. So pick yourself up and try to build relationships not for today's problems but for future you

Good luck

Starseeking · 03/04/2024 07:24

He can't be giving you everything you need given he's married. He must be spending a significant amount of time with his wife/family, and was quite happy to lie to you about it. I'm surprised you're happy to put up with his deceit for a bit of part-time support.

thesleepyhoglet · 03/04/2024 07:30

You are vulnerable. In some ways, you could say he preyed on you