To think that infidelity is sometimes justifiable

[MarianaMonterey]

Not ok. And not forgiveable by you personally. But can you conceive of circumstances that seem so bleak, you’d choose to yourself or at least think ‘yeah, I can understand that’ of someone else.

Yes, it’s me. I’m the other woman. I didn’t know he was married. But I was already in a place so desolate before I found out, I don’t think I can now face walking away. If you knew I had so little that an affair looked better than nothing, would you still view me with contempt or could you find compassion?

Please be kind. I am not in crisis, but I am very, very close. It’s humiliating, but it’s real. I just can’t go one more day when no one thinks of me at all. I‘m facing big physical health, mental health, work, child and financial issues and I just don’t think I can put someone else first right now. I’m hoping with some support from the wrong person I make it through to later when I can make better choices. I don’t yet know how, but it’s the only future I can see. It’s not that I can’t handle the break up itself. It’s that I can’t handle it on top of everything else. It’s just one loss too many, and after decades of getting by on not nearly enough.

Leave him out of it. It’s not about him. Don’t tell me I’m strong enough, that it’s not as bad as I think or that I deserve better. It makes no difference. I can’t believe those things into being. It’s better than nothing. And no one deserves nothing, surely? I’m so done. This is no life. [Redacted by MNHQ]

Of course she isn't equally to blame! The MARRIED man who became entangled in an affair is the only one to blame.

It's a completely subjective thing. If someone is very unhappy in their relationship and feeling the burden of not wanting to hurt their husband/partner/children, yet feeling unloved, unattractive, not desired, trapped due to not wanting to upend the family unit, and received no physical attention for years and has tried to get things to work but to no avail and then if someone then shows you that they find you attractive, desirable and loveable then I think there is definitely a reason why you would be tempted to do something you never thought you ever would. For those reasons, I would say it's justified. However, 9 times out of 10, it is usually discovered and that's when things get very messy & hurtful.

Affairs have been going on since the Dawn of time. Marriages/relationships are complex. Mumsnet is like a nest of vipers and very black and white on these things. Real life is rarely that simple. Sometimes you get validation, support and belief in corners you least expect. A lot of infidelity happens, always will and often other people have no idea and there isn’t always upset elsewhere. Key thing though is to protect yourself as much as possible.

If it carries on she is to blame too …the poor wife

It’s better than nothing.

Hugh empathy from me, I'm very sorry you have been dealt such a miserable hand in life.

Even so, I'd encourage you to not go there. It might feel as if it's better than nothing but you are doing yourself no favours and actually eroding your own self esteem. Your self esteem is based on how you treat yourself, not how other people treat you.

The sooner you start treating yourself decently, do you can hold up your head, the better. This is a truth that I only came to understand much later in life. I understand you may not believe this now but you will come to understand. All the best.

Not really, she isn't married to her. OP doesn't owe her anything and its her husband who has betrayed her, not the OP.

If it carries on it’s on her too she now knows he is married

Hello OP,
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from others is great but it's really a good idea to seek RL help as well.
We're going to move this thread out of AIBU shortly.

Absolutely no sympathy if she carries on knowing he is married the poor wife and ppl saying it’s only down to her husband a message for you ….would you not blame the woman too if it was your partner and someone else …yes you bloody would

People will think differently of you if it comes to light. They'll think you desperate, pathetic, stupid and selfish. But hey, at least you won't have to a day without someone thinking of you!

@MarianaMonterey so you dont feel regrets for the hurt you are causing his wife???? you need to stop this now that you know he is not yours to be had!

💯 it’s bloody awful no pain like it you can never justify yourself once you know

I’ve never heard “affair down” before but it does seem to be the case. They’re probably easier to come by if you trade down.and more grateful for scraps.

My worry for you is that you sound vulnerable, and he may exploit that, leaving you in a worse emotional state.

Work on your mental health as a priority and that will help you sort the wheat from the chafe.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so down but have you considered that his wife will feel even worse anguish as a result of what you two are doing?
It’s all still very selfish imo.

I’m so sorry. You will come through this. I hope you’re getting the help you need for the trauma.

I hope you’re rinsing him for the car!!!

Mine too

Not now she knows. Now the only humane thing to do is break it off.

The side chick has entered the chat.

I don't agree (and I'm donning my hard hat). The OP hasn't married his wife, she hasn't promised to love her or be faithful to her. She hasn't broken any promises or ruined any families and don't think the OP owes her anything.

OP is clearly very vulnerable and has chosen an awful man as someone she thoufht was her PARTNER. She's just found out he's married, is feeling humiliated, alone and very close to a crisis situation. There is a huge power imbalance in the relationship she thought she had with this man and it seems to me that he has taken advantage of this.

She should leave him for herself, but I get why she needs time to sort everything out before she contemplates leaving him. She is going through health problems, financial problems and family problems. If she needs to use him as a crutch (however toxic this is) until she is feeling stronger then I don't think it makes her a bad person.

Both women deserve better than the scumbag, but the OP is not to blame for him chosing to cheat on his wife.

Haha. The happily (enough) married women but thanks for the giggle!

Couldn’t have put it better myself

For you maybe it feels like the right choice or whatever.
For me, having had everything I thought I knew absolutely brutally ripped away from me, I can not ever imagine that you're in the right For doing this to another woman. I think you can't fully comprehend how it feels until it happens to you.

💯 because of women like this..selfish

You're right, being devastated by finding out my partner was shagging another woman, while gaslighting and abusing me, and telling her I was unstable and not safe to be alone...it just shows I'm insecure 🤷🏼‍♀️