To think that infidelity is sometimes justifiable

[MarianaMonterey]

Not ok. And not forgiveable by you personally. But can you conceive of circumstances that seem so bleak, you’d choose to yourself or at least think ‘yeah, I can understand that’ of someone else.

Yes, it’s me. I’m the other woman. I didn’t know he was married. But I was already in a place so desolate before I found out, I don’t think I can now face walking away. If you knew I had so little that an affair looked better than nothing, would you still view me with contempt or could you find compassion?

Please be kind. I am not in crisis, but I am very, very close. It’s humiliating, but it’s real. I just can’t go one more day when no one thinks of me at all. I‘m facing big physical health, mental health, work, child and financial issues and I just don’t think I can put someone else first right now. I’m hoping with some support from the wrong person I make it through to later when I can make better choices. I don’t yet know how, but it’s the only future I can see. It’s not that I can’t handle the break up itself. It’s that I can’t handle it on top of everything else. It’s just one loss too many, and after decades of getting by on not nearly enough.

Leave him out of it. It’s not about him. Don’t tell me I’m strong enough, that it’s not as bad as I think or that I deserve better. It makes no difference. I can’t believe those things into being. It’s better than nothing. And no one deserves nothing, surely? I’m so done. This is no life. [Redacted by MNHQ]

I can’t say any of that isn’t true, except I’m not looking at him as a saviour. I’m looking at him as a crutch. He’s already doing stuff that’s really helpful. There is no sex. Sure, he might be playing a long game. But it’s better than nothing. I’ll be further forward than I am now.

At the moment I’m stuck. Paralysed. Everything seems overwhelming and every option has too many down sides. I can’t fall apart now. I just need a little help. He’s the only option.

I’m fully aware I’m saving hurt for later and maybe I’ll regret that. And I wouldn’t do it if I felt any alternative support or any capacity to handle it right now.

Whatever you do with regards to accepting his help, make sure you are also pursuing alternative help. You need an exit plan. Whatever help he is giving you now needs to be phased out. Obviously don't tell him this. He'll be looking for ways to make himself indispensable. Just don't trust him.

I’ve already told him. He’s said that’s fine he’ll support me however I want.

Honestly, I don’t think I can see an exit. The best I can see is to be back where I was before. Which is better than here, but still a problem. I KNOW I’m isolated and vulnerable. I just don’t know how to change that. I’ve really tried. And just got nowhere.

Have you tried things like online support groups? I've found them invaluable when I've been facing problems. Whatever situation you're in, someone else will have been in similar and probably written about it on the internet. I know everything seems overwhelming at the moment. Don't try and tackle everything at once. Think of one step you can take independently and do that. Don't put stuff off. Go and send that important email or make that phone call or research something important. Just one step at a time. I know you feel alone, but with the internet community you don't have to be.

I have internet support, as far as possible. It’s been helpful for some things. Less so for others. I do really need a real handhold right now, and I knew that, but I didn’t know how much. And I genuinely do not what I could do differently. I’m just out of ideas. That’s never happened before. Ever.

And I have to tackle everything. There’s no one else and it’s all urgent. Everything affects everything else. It’s all so interwoven. I hope if I can just gain some traction on the business and the money, I can weather the rest somehow. I always have before.

And thank you for your support. I do appreciate it. I know people mean well. I just know they don’t really understand what it’s like to do this alone. I genuinely hope they never do.

I don’t feel I attacked anyone and I’m sorry if they feel so. I have asked people to examine their hostility, judgment and prejudices and expand on their reasoning. That’s always uncomfortable.

It’s not a question of answers I want to hear it not. I haven’t asked him what he wants or what his situation is. I wanted to establish my own position first. So I asked for thoughtful consideration of people’s positions to help me form my values. What I mostly got was knee jerk, thoughtless, stereotypical judgment which few were prepared to expand on. The overall blame and shame attitude, and the reduction of myself and person I had previously valued to scum-of-the-earth-fucking-for-cash was hostile, prejudiced and unnecessary. It made me feel defensive and unheard, even thought I repeatedly said I’m no longer sleeping with him and he’s still doing good things. That was very frustrating and I don’t have a lot of resilience just now. I would never speak to or about anyone like this, even if I abhorred their actions. I always try to consider people’s position and understand their resources may not match mine.

I know infidelity destroys families. I don’t want to do it. But I can’t fall apart either. I’m not falling apart over him, but he can stop it happening now and start me on a road to somewhere I can handle the loss. I can’t see a third option. I’d love to, but I can’t. I just need to be able to live with myself if I take an option I thought wasn’t me.

But he could have provided all of this without sleeping with you behind his wife's back and lying to you about his marital situation... So I think we know what sort of person he is, don't we? It's a stings attached situation and while it seems it's better than bankrupcy, he's not doing any of this out of the goodness of his own heart. I sadly don't have another solution, otherwise Id share it with you, but you may be digging yourself into just another hole... Whatever you decide, I do wish you the best and apologise for some harsh words before. While my stance on the problem has not changed, I also know when things are shit it's hard to rationalise with yourself and people's "Oh this must be tough" is not really helping...

“I have asked people to examine their hostility, judgment and prejudices and expand on their reasoning. That’s always uncomfortable.”
Really? You asked if infidelity was ever justified, and people answered. Because they don’t all agree with you does not mean they are coming from a place of hostility or prejudice.
I know it may be surprising to you, but many of us have been in terrible places and with no support. Many of the women on this site could be a help to you if you allowed them to. True support does not involve deceit.

Then I'm sure you'd be ok with him doing the same for another woman, right?