To think that infidelity is sometimes justifiable

[MarianaMonterey]

Not ok. And not forgiveable by you personally. But can you conceive of circumstances that seem so bleak, you’d choose to yourself or at least think ‘yeah, I can understand that’ of someone else.

Yes, it’s me. I’m the other woman. I didn’t know he was married. But I was already in a place so desolate before I found out, I don’t think I can now face walking away. If you knew I had so little that an affair looked better than nothing, would you still view me with contempt or could you find compassion?

Please be kind. I am not in crisis, but I am very, very close. It’s humiliating, but it’s real. I just can’t go one more day when no one thinks of me at all. I‘m facing big physical health, mental health, work, child and financial issues and I just don’t think I can put someone else first right now. I’m hoping with some support from the wrong person I make it through to later when I can make better choices. I don’t yet know how, but it’s the only future I can see. It’s not that I can’t handle the break up itself. It’s that I can’t handle it on top of everything else. It’s just one loss too many, and after decades of getting by on not nearly enough.

Leave him out of it. It’s not about him. Don’t tell me I’m strong enough, that it’s not as bad as I think or that I deserve better. It makes no difference. I can’t believe those things into being. It’s better than nothing. And no one deserves nothing, surely? I’m so done. This is no life. [Redacted by MNHQ]

Am guessing you've never been cheated on. Proper betrayal, lies and gaslighting. As an adult with a family and a life which was all shown to be a lie.
Or you're a sociopath with no emotions

Only if you let it

Its not really better than nothing, it's worse. With nothing you have peace. You're not on pins waiting for a message, devastated if it doesn't come. With nothing you don't have to worry if not only are you a person who is hurting, but also one who is causing hurt. With nothing you don't have your pride on the floor knowing you're enabling a man to have two relationships while you make do with half a one. With nothing, you have nothing to lose so you don't need to fear the future, and can reach rock bottom and start climbing up again.

You understand that he has lied to you seen you are vulnerable and is using you?

He isn't helping you, he is helping himself. You will only end up feeling worse, so put your bug girl pants on and end it.

I'm guessing all those who think cheating isn't a big deal are cheaters and not been cheated on.

Any woman I know who has done this regardless of the circumstances and the reasons why, has been perceived by everyone who knows as a total bitch, with the women disassociating themselves from the affair but on the side.

You're a willing participant in potentially ruining someone's life. How is this justifiable?

Of course its not ok. I suspect you know that.

This man will never be the answer - he's a liar and a cheat.

what you mean is you don’t have a man to think about you daily, not that you don’t have anyone at all that things about you daily. You have a child, they think about you daily. You’re worth more than a man’s attention.

Op, you are obviously massively vulnerable, which is why you’ve ended up with this half wit, married, lying, shagger.
if we ignore what is best for his actual wife (and I’ve been her. It’s beyond fucking brutal). This is not good, for you. There is literally no legitimate reason you would put yourself second. Or willingly be party to something that you KNOW will hurt someone else. At the end of the day, you will NEVER have peace because you know that what you are doing is wrong. No excuses, no maybes….it is shit and you know it. And you will NEVER feel good about yourself until you stop. So stop. Today. You are an adult and you have the choice. Stop it now, and if you don’t? You only have yourself to blame. Choose better, from today.

That sounds a lot like sort of thing you'd expect from a cheat who's trying to gaslight their partner. "It's your insecurity that's the problem" 🙄

Never justified. Think of the wife and family you are devastating. Does that solve your problems?

You lose them how you got them as the saying goes.

I was unwillingly OW , he didn't tell me he was married until after we had sex. He causally wrote me a text " not sure whether i told you but im married "
I immediately walked away and was tempted to tell his wife. But i just felt too betrayed and mugged off and wanted to put it behind me .

My advice is to stop affair , it will end in tears either way . You deserve better then to be a side piece to a married man OP
x

No matter how bad you think you’re feeling, you’re making his wife feel even worse.

That doesn’t give the OP a free pass to carry on regardless. Once you know you’re the mistress it’s your moral responsibility to end it. You don’t have to be a gutter rat because the bloke you’re shagging is.

It does once she knows the situation.

You can't trust him anymore than his wife can.
Time to rely on yourself.

Good people don’t intentionally hurt other people.

Sorry but now you know he's married, if you choose to continue it would be with contempt.

You're worth so much more than a life as a side piece x

It’s never ok and I would question the moral compass of someone who would get involved with someone who was married. You may not have known at first (he either lied or lied by omission) but you know now. Don’t be that woman. Be a champion of other women. Raise your bar.

No you can not make yourself feel better about it by saying its justifiable

It's not.

I've yet to come across a situation where infidelity makes things better. There seems to be this myth of the "exit affair" that somehow gives someone the strength to leave a marriage. Often this strength is only found when the affair is discovered however.

My view is that affairs are addictive, they create a big rush beyond many "normal" relationships and so are a hard habit to break. But like other addictions, they are not healthy behaviour.

So, OP, do yourself a favour and stop being the other woman, for your own sake if not for anyone else's.

I’m sorry for all that you are dealing with. You deserve so much more OP.

It sounds like it’s dead in the water, putting off the inevitable, ultimately you’ll just suffer later down the line.

A close friend recently found out her ‘D’H had an affair for a few months.

When he realised his marriage was at risk he called OW to dump her. She asked to ‘talk about things’ in person so he got in the car, drove a few hrs to her house where he dumped her in person. Her young son was in the house upstairs at the same time. She also let him sleep on her sofa so he didn’t have to drive back late at night. She must be either mentally unwell or have no self respect at all. He treated both DW and OW like shit, he led OW on to think he might want a relationship with her at some point (lots of messaging, dirty weekend away, went to her house and cooked her breakfast) but the truth is he would never have wanted to be with her even if he was single. She had crappy job, crappy house and was short/plain Jane looks/tomboyish…not someone he would have usually given a second glance to. I don’t know much about the psychology of affairs but I now see what people mean when they say they always ‘affair down’.

I pity the OW, he used her and couldn’t dump her fast enough when the bubble burst. They very rarely want to leave their wife, they just get off on the cheap thrills. He had a very ‘loving’ and sexually active relationship with his DW throughout the affair, just disgusting behaviour!!!