To think that infidelity is sometimes justifiable

[MarianaMonterey]

Not ok. And not forgiveable by you personally. But can you conceive of circumstances that seem so bleak, you’d choose to yourself or at least think ‘yeah, I can understand that’ of someone else.

Yes, it’s me. I’m the other woman. I didn’t know he was married. But I was already in a place so desolate before I found out, I don’t think I can now face walking away. If you knew I had so little that an affair looked better than nothing, would you still view me with contempt or could you find compassion?

Please be kind. I am not in crisis, but I am very, very close. It’s humiliating, but it’s real. I just can’t go one more day when no one thinks of me at all. I‘m facing big physical health, mental health, work, child and financial issues and I just don’t think I can put someone else first right now. I’m hoping with some support from the wrong person I make it through to later when I can make better choices. I don’t yet know how, but it’s the only future I can see. It’s not that I can’t handle the break up itself. It’s that I can’t handle it on top of everything else. It’s just one loss too many, and after decades of getting by on not nearly enough.

Leave him out of it. It’s not about him. Don’t tell me I’m strong enough, that it’s not as bad as I think or that I deserve better. It makes no difference. I can’t believe those things into being. It’s better than nothing. And no one deserves nothing, surely? I’m so done. This is no life. [Redacted by MNHQ]

I could find compassion for you OP.

I've name changed for this because I'll get slaughtered.

I genuinely think my affair was kind of justified. I had a very short marriage to an abusive alcoholic man and while we were together I met, basically, my soulmate. As soon as I realised my feelings and that they were reciprocated I ended my marriage. We hadn't slept together but had kissed and it was basically a matter of weeks between the affair starting and my marriage ending.

I have now been married to the other man for ten times longer than my first marriage. We have three children and are very happy together. He was and is 'the one'. I'm not sorry about the affair and never have been. My ex husband never knew about it either, there was enough other stuff going on that he never needed to ask me why I was ending it.

In my view, this is the only acceptable scenario for an affair - but obviously I would say that! But my point is that an 'exit affair' can happen and work out but there is no way an affair can mend a broken marriage. All it can do is destroy it if you don't have the balls to do that yourself. Which I didn't.

It's far easier to just leave your marriage. These things are messy and complicated and anyone with any sense wouldn't do it on purpose. I don't regret it and I'd do it again, but I don't recommend it.

No compassion from me. I'm in actual crisis because of my husband's affair. I'm on four medications because I just can't cope. I took an overdose. I've self harmed all over my arms with matches. I've lost three dress sizes in a month. I've even gone as far as order a new car because he had her in mine. My life is completely ruined.

Lovely, you are asking the wrong question here. You are looking at the wrong things.

He doesn't matter.

Start a new thread. Tell us about your health, tell us about the finances and the DC. Mumsnet is full of brilliant women, and I guarantee there will be some who have walked your path before you. We will support you. You'll find help here.

When life feels less overwhelming, when everything else feels a bit more in control, you might find this isn't even an issue anymore. You won't feel you NEED this and you can make a choice about what you actually want.

From what I've seen with friends the consequences of an affair can be so devastating as to leave someone almost entirely broken. Affairs destroy people to their core - and recovery, whatever shape it takes, almost always changes people. You don't sound as though you're in a particularly good place, but the way back from that place isn't to be found in a deepening trail of lies and halftruths.

i'm so sorry you going through this . Your life is not ruined, i hope you will get help you need , maybe a therapy.

Time heals everything, you will be happy again 💐

Your never going to find what you need in this. Nor are you going to be able to improve a lot of what is going on whilst your in this.
It doesn't end well for anyone, someone (or multiple people) always end up hurt. Focus your time and energy on what you need to do to fix the other stuff, get referral for counselling from your Dr. Your kicking the issues down the road by staying in this.

Yes, it does. She wasn't to blame to begin with, but she is now that she knows.

I'd take nothing over knowingly deceiving and hurting another person. You can't tell me the only opinions in your life are 'nothing' or a married man? I just don't believe it.

I'd never blame the other person anyway. But I can see how people feel so trapped in soul destroying relationships that they find value and attention elsewhere.

I it's not ok and the fact that you are suffering should mean that you would not want anyone else to suffer in any way.

Regardless of whatever terrible afflictions and strife that has come your way there is never a reason to be the other woman in an affair other than to satiate your own selfish needs and wants.

I do hope that you can sort things out in your life so that you don't feel you need to be with this sorry excuse for a man.

You ask for kindness, but are you giving any to his wife? No, you're putting yourself first selfishly and there is n oexcuse now you know. You can chose not care , but why ask other people to feel for you and pat you on the shoulder when you are obviously doing the wrong thing, serving a sob story. Many women in hardship chose not to sleep with a married men. You can also chose to walk away with your head high and end this.

This was exactly my thoughts also. Are you sure he's not taking advantage? Also has he made plans to come clean to his wife and leave? If not then you have your answer

"If you knew I had so little that an affair looked better than nothing, would you still view me with contempt or could you find compassion?"

I'd pity you, @MarianaMonterey. Your situation might seem desperate but that doesn't mean I'd understand and think it acceptable that you're choosing to stay in an affair. You should seek elsewhere whatever it is you are getting from the affair.

This is way bigger than that response. Please be kind

Thing is, you know he's an untrustworthy and accomplished liar, because he deceived you about being married, just as he is deceiving his wife.

You'd be an idiot to trust him, and without trust, you have nothing anyway. Certainly not a relationship.

Dumping him does not leave you with nothing - it gives you back your self-respect and reminds you that you are worthy of real love, not being a skank's side-chick

Not really, it’s a massive long post essentially just saying that OP deserves compassion for continuing an affair with a married man because she is low and needs to feel loved

Nope. Doesn’t change anything

What is bigger than being deceitful and destroying trust?

Hmmm…is that what he told his wife?

And she took him back?!

In my case it was the opposite - he was the one in the crappy job/house not bad looking but certainly not handsome. Drove his wife’s car as doesn’t own his own!

I on the other hand am an ex-model, wealthy-ish, big house/nice car etc. I don’t think he could believe his luck when I responded to his attention! But he was very charming.

They always demonise and lie about the OW when they get found out, same as they do about the wife to the OW. They are pathological liars who will say anything to get what they want.

You won't get validation from me. I think it's a scum bag thing to cheat on your parter and equally as scummy to be the OW.
I think having respect for other people is basic common decency. What you are doing to another woman is awful.

If he lied to you about his relationship status you have done nothing wrong.

He's a scumbag and you deserve better. Hold your head up high and leave with your self respect.

What does your desolation prior to finding out you were the ow have to do with anything, op? You seem to think you're a special case for some reason.

OP, please read this post. It is measured and fair.

My own gut instinct is to tell you there's no justification for what you're doing. I was badly damaged by my exH's affair. It left me in tatters for many years. Tried to end my life, spent time in psychiatric hospital, Didn't even date for about 15 years. I'm happily married now but the scars remain.

Please don't let yourself be used in this way.

Seek support (GP, Samaritans, workplace helpline, whatever). Post on MN for specific issues.

You didn't want to hear it, but you do deserve better. So does his wife.

OP, I don't suppose you care that much for his wife. You've probably heard a thousand reasons from him why he has resorted to an affair, usually it goes along the lines of how he's not been happy for a long time (and hell, don't we all deserve happiness.), how he should never have married his wife, and that he only stays for the children.
I can guarantee you he won't be telling his wife how 'unhappy' he is. He won't tell her he regrets marrying her, or that he's only there for the children.
Do you know why he won't tell her this? Because none of those are the real reasons he stays.
If he thought that much of his children, he wouldn't be having an affair, risking devastating his children would he? If he thought that much of his children, he would try anything to make his marriage work, therapy, quality time, spending his time with his children making memories.
Instead, he's skulking off spending time with you when he could be spending that time with his children.
The truth is, he has no intention of this ever being anything more than an affair. EVER!!! He's got everything he wants and he doesn't want to sacrifice any of it, and if that hurts you, or his wife, or his kids, oh well, that's just collateral damage as far as he'll be concerned.
He is not unhappily married, because if he was, he would discuss this with his wife, not you. If that didn't resolve any issues, he would move out, and get a divorce, all before he contemplated cheating.
He is not your Knight in shining armour because honestly, he doesn't give a shit about you! It's extremely likely that he doesn't give a shit about anyone except himself. He stays because it's convenient for him. He likes the status quo exactly the way it is! The relationships in his life merely serve to get his needs met, whatever they may be. I won't presume you fulfil his sexual needs although I'd be surprised if that's not a huge part of it.
His wife fulfils everything else.

His priorities are as follows;

1. Himself and what he wants.

How the fuck it helps your mental health to have a selfish self centred entitled piece of shit in your life, or getting your heart broken by a questionable creature, I can't pretend to understand, and if you're honest OP, I don't think you can make sense of that either.

what about the poor wife