Stuck between life and death . TW suicide

[Pullmybrainout]

Anyone else feel that they are stuck between life and death, struggling to get through each day and wondering what the point is?
I have a voice in my head telling me I need to kill myself and that I am weak and a fraud that I haven’t done it yet. I haven’t been able to focus my mind enough to order what I would need to do the deed online.
I’m tired of living like this and I don’t have any friends or family who would be upset so why haven’t I done it yet. Maybe I am a fraud.

Anyone else feel like this?

I said can I think about the medication but he said we are way past that point now.
It’s hard enough to force myself to carry on with the current meds, let alone adding in more.

It's hard enough to force myself to carry on with the current meds, let alone adding in more.

Could you change meds instead of adding? They can add together in unpredictable and unpleasant ways.

I ended up in hospital when I stopped my current meds a few months ago against my psychiatrists advice so I think that’s why he wants to add in the new ones instead of stopping the current ones.

That makes sense. What about the new meds don't you like?

I don’t like taking psychiatric medication full stop but I promised to keep taking the current one and I think I’m just struggling to make any decisions about any changes at the moment.
Inertia is the only thing keeping me safe at the moment so I might have the energy to put my plan into action if I feel slightly better.

I don’t like taking psychiatric medication full stop

Would you say that about any other medication?

No, but I just need to stop wallowing and pull myself together and that wouldn’t be true with a physical medical condition.

It isn't true for mental illness either.

I agree. I don’t have a mental illness though, I’m just selfish, lazy and self-centred.

Your psychiatrist thinks you have a mental illness. Are you calling him a liar?

I’m not saying he is a liar but maybe he doesn’t realise what a bad person I am?

Would a bad person show concern for me with my eating disorder?

I know how difficult Eating Disorders are so it’s not difficult for me to show empathy for that. How are things going with your bingeing?

I've managed a week since the last one. Problem is that I keep wanting to cut instead. It's like I can't quit one bad thing without my brain demanding that I pick up another.

That’s a real achievement to go for a week without bingeing. I’m no expert and it might be stating the bleeding obvious anyway but it sounds like you are distracting yourself from dealing with the difficult thoughts and feelings by bingeing and other forms of self harm. I can’t remember if you are having any therapy to address the underlying causes?

Not at present, no. Therapy is hard to get. I'm autistic as well, recent diagnosis, so I'm still coming to terms with that.

I’m so sorry for bleating on about my problems when you obviously have a lot more to deal with.

Is there no help available for therapy now that you have your autism diagnosis?

Have you checked with any of the autism charities if it is hard to get on the NHS?

Or look at getting a private therapist with training with autism although I know that isn’t cheap. My previous therapist was about £50 a session but I spend more than that on junk food each week when I am bingeing.

As far as the BED goes, I know the theory is to have 3 meals and 3 snacks a day to reduce the physiological need to binge. It is counter intuitive but it does work if you are able to stick to it. I lost 10kg at one stage but then relapsed when I started restricting my diet and then bingeing again.

I really hope you are able to get some help as you definitely deserve it xx

I'm not suicidal right now so I dispute the idea that I have more to deal with than you.

I'm trying to figure out what I can say to you to help you understand that the wanting to die is your illness talking. Because it is. Just as the urge to binge or self-inflict pain is my illness talking.

I wish it was an illness talking in my case but it is totally logical. Everyone will be better off without me (and I’m not saying that in a woe-is-me kind of way)

and yes I did notice your deflection back to talking about me rather than answering my questions about you …..

This is your support thread.

I have some coaching through Access For Work starting soon. It's not the same as therapy but hopefully it will help me keep my job.

That sounds positive @NCfortheeatingdisorderboard I hope it helps xx

Had a visit from the NHS crisis team this evening after being given the choice of that or being assessed under the mental health act.
Really confusing and quite aggressive.
They wouldn’t say what they were offering but seemed annoyed when I turned it down. Not sure if my brain isn’t working properly or the whole world is fuzzy.

I’m sorry they were aggressive @Pullmybrainout , that sounds distressing. I hope you are ok and have more clarity tomorrow. Maybe it’s worth taking the medication your psychiatrist prescribed? At least then you are in control of everything and it’s your choice. I hope you get some sleep.

Thanks @Gunpowder I did start the medication yesterday to stop my psychiatrist escalating things.