Stuck between life and death . TW suicide

[Pullmybrainout]

Anyone else feel that they are stuck between life and death, struggling to get through each day and wondering what the point is?
I have a voice in my head telling me I need to kill myself and that I am weak and a fraud that I haven’t done it yet. I haven’t been able to focus my mind enough to order what I would need to do the deed online.
I’m tired of living like this and I don’t have any friends or family who would be upset so why haven’t I done it yet. Maybe I am a fraud.

Anyone else feel like this?

Sorry to hear that @OoohLovelySlippers
My life isn’t objectively bad either (apart from being completely alone in the world) so that makes me hate myself even more that I am so selfish and ungrateful.
Hope you are getting some help and things will improve for you xx

@Pullmybrainout thanks. I feel ok atm. I've always felt that way, though, even since I was a child. That I'd like to have an "exit" button to push. I think because I was an intelligent child with critical thinking skills who questioned life/my existence!

Well done on seeing yourself psychiatrist. Of course you deserve compassionate care! I’m so sorry you feel worse rather than better now though. I reckon it’s worth giving the medication they prescribed a try as they are the expert. You could just take it until you next see them and see how it makes you feel?

*yourself = your

I’m not sure I am even depressed though. I just need to try and pull myself together and get organised.

I know it’s not always helpful to label emotions but you are allowed to be sad and telling yourself you should pull yourself together isn’t necessarily the most useful mantra. It’s ok to ask for and accept help. You are worthy of help and compassion and I hope you can feel compassionate to yourself too. I’m so sorry life is so hard right now. I have everything crossed that things are better for you soon.

Thank you @Gunpowder I really appreciate your kind words but you don’t know what an odious person I am.

All of this is the depression talking.

When you say you "can't" take your meds, do you mean "won't"?

Hi @Pullmybrainout,

Firstly, have to acknowledge your name - I know that EXACT feeling of wishing you could just remove your brain!

A lot of what you’ve said resonates with how I felt at my worst. You are NOT a fraud to not commit suicide. It takes immense courage to live whilst suffering the way you are. There is a tiny bit of you which beneath everything does want stuff to get better. Sometimes you might have to wait a while but please know that it can get better.

A friend once said to me that you have to take suicide out your head from being an option. I found that really helpful. Imagine all these thought paths in your brain you’ll notice your thoughts keep taking you back down these dark horrible routes. It feels so intense and painful in them but your thoughts know them so well they keep going there anyway. Try and tell yourself you aren’t going to go there because that options gone. It’s really hard to do and you won’t manage it every time but just keep telling yourself.

It sounds like you’ve tried loads of help in the past. Make sure you are consistent with medication, it’s not easy to be especially when you aren’t feeling great. However, it’s the only way it will work. For me I eventually found sertraline helpful after trying lots of medication but it was hard to get past the side effects.

Honestly, give everything time and make feeling better your no 1 mission. Try some new things. Force yourself to do a few bits that will be good for you (lots of sleep, eating well, getting out for walks). Be SUPER kind to yourself - treat yourself like a friend and give yourself a hug.

Come back here whenever you need to chat ❤️‍🩹

P.s 40 Jaffa cakes!! You are going to turn into one 😉

I swore I would never take AD again after being subjected to one after the other when I was younger, some against my will when sectioned.
I don’t want to be stuck in this misery any more so I’d rather get off the medication completely than add more into the equation.
It probably doesn’t make sense for most people who would need to worry about friends and family left behind. There is no reason for me to be here apart from inertia and lack of energy to get it done.

Thank you so much @Squiggles23for your kindness.

I’m so pleased that you have managed to find medication that works for you.

I think my problem is that there is genuinely no point to my life so I don’t want to get better I just want to pluck up the courage and energy to end it.

I’ve got plans to get my affairs in order this weekend and then see how things go from there.

re. the Jaffa cakes, the packets are getting smaller so 4 packets is ONLY 36 Jaffa cakes now. Starving myself is much more satisfying than bingeing though so I’ve reverted back to that.

Thanks again, I do appreciate you taking the time to help me xx

That’s the bad thought paths talking! Even if it doesn’t feel like there’s a point right now, it doesn’t mean there won’t be in the future. Can you hang on for that day?

Starving yourself won’t help. Jaffa cakes are much better!

I get you though It’s so immensely tough being in that ground. I wish there was an easy fix but it’s just taking it day by day until you things start to feel better. Just have to keep trying and know one day it will be ok.

I’ve cleared up my finances so it won’t be so difficult for someone else to unravel.
Just need to write a few letters tomorrow and that’s all that needs to be done in preparation.

@Pullmybrainout How does that make you feel?

A bit more relaxed because I’m making plans rather than just pontificating about it.

I can understand that. Are there any alternative options you can envisage?

@Pullmybrainout it’s horrible you feel so hopeless, but life won’t always be this hard. Things can get better. I’m so sorry you were forced to take medication in the past - that must have been scary and dehumanising - but this time you have a choice. Choosing to take the medication might make you feel better, and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. You haven’t lost anything.

Also, I don’t believe you are an odious person. You have shown empathy and kindness to other posters and I’m sure you were kind to your dog. You can’t be that bad. No one is all good anyway, we are all an imperfect mixture.

I hope things feel a tiny bit brighter in the morning.

My psychiatrist made me promise to tell him if I couldn’t keep myself safe but what can he do about it?

I'd love to have a chat with you sometime, would you be up for that? I promise I won't try to make you change your mind.

I’m not up to talking at the moment but thanks for your concern xx

Maybe nothing but I think you should give him a chance. He’s invested in you and your recovery.

I didn’t mean that in a guilt trippy way btw, more that you might as well tell him just in case he can help and you won’t lose anything by trying.

I can’t risk being sectioned although I think that’s unlikely these days unless you are a psychotic potential axe-murderer (and I’m not that)

Fair enough. There's a quote from James O'Brien you might like "there's no point in having a mind if you can't change it." Happy to chat by DM if you'd like.

Ha! I’m sure you aren’t!

I don’t know what the criteria are but I imagine he would try and avoid that if at all possible. If you aren’t comfortable taking the medication he has prescribed maybe there is an alternative for example. It’s alright to ask for help. You deserve help and compassion.