Stuck between life and death . TW suicide

[Pullmybrainout]

Anyone else feel that they are stuck between life and death, struggling to get through each day and wondering what the point is?
I have a voice in my head telling me I need to kill myself and that I am weak and a fraud that I haven’t done it yet. I haven’t been able to focus my mind enough to order what I would need to do the deed online.
I’m tired of living like this and I don’t have any friends or family who would be upset so why haven’t I done it yet. Maybe I am a fraud.

Anyone else feel like this?

The fact that you have reached out is HUGE! You are seeking connection and I hope that means you are valuing your life enough not to end it. I'm not an optimistic by nature but I truly hope that if you can see that you can see from the reaction of a group of people online that you matter and that your life can be worth living again with the right support. One tiny step at a time is all it takes, as long as you're moving in the right direction. Reaching out in here was the first step. Take the next one when you're ready but keep talking and keep asking for help.

Thank you so much x

I'm on a lower dose of citalopram, it helps and (you probably don't want to hear it) is probably helping you.
I am not sure how to say this, you don't need courage to kill yourself - that's a hiding to nothing. I used to think this way at my lowest ebb.
My love, you have come on here for a reason - I hope because you might think that living is awesome when you can make it work.
It's not always easy. But 'not easy' is a great challenge that you can absolutely master.
Baby steps: breathe, sleep, eat
Toddler steps: move, find joy, take care of yourself (a bath/shower etc)
And then move on as you can

How are you feeling today OP? X

Hello, I’m much the same. I’ve managed to get through the day. On the plus side I walked 20k steps, on the minus side I ate 40 Jaffa cakes. 😭
I can get through a day but I don’t know why I bother. I’m not getting any better and I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

Regardless of how many jaffa cakes you ate, just eating jaffa cakes is a minus 😅 well done on the 20k steps though!
On a serious note, you will get better you can do this. You sound like you want to get better and that's something to hold onto, is there anything you look forward to to keep you going?

Hi @Pullmybrainout ,
wow 20 thousand steps is impressive. That's how many I get maybe on holidays walking all over a city all day... I hope you have comfortable shoes!

I got out for a walk myself today, I'd got out of the habit the last few weeks after being sick but I knew I needed to get back out there. I've still only got 7,000 steps myself but it was a lovely walk by moonlight and starlight this evening, so quality not quantity this time I guess.

Do you listen to music while walking or maybe audiobooks or podcasts? I'm in a book club and sometimes I listen to the book instead of reading it, usually if I'm running out of time to finish it before the meeting.

I know you've said you're not sure why to keep on putting one foot in front of the other. Is it possible to just keep going anyway, even without knowing why, maybe with some of the distractions I mentioned? But knowing that if you do, it really is likely that you won't always feel quite as bad as you have recently. Feelings do pass or change sometimes.

Hi @SecondRow
Thanks for your kind message. Your moonlight walk sounds lovely. I don’t go out in the dark myself as I’m scared of being attacked.
I have walked 140k steps in the last week but there isn’t any point to it really. I can’t see things changing and I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. I need to focus and get organised but I can’t seem to atm. I feel panicky when I think of getting the means to do the deed.

Oh I’m so sorry things feel so bleak OP. Maybe you feel panicky and can’t focus because making plans is a bad idea. Some part of you is protecting yourself and that is the most amazing, strong bit of you that knows that this despair will pass and things can be better one day. Please speak to your psychiatrist honestly about your thoughts. There are so many different medications and doses and if you feel like this what have you got to lose by speaking to them? I will be thinking of you this evening and willing you to speak to someone in real life. Please take care.

I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time. I get that you can't see things changing, that's what the illness wants you to think though. That part of your head is not always right about everything, it's misleading you.

You know there have been people who felt as bad as you do before, but they got better. They didn't feel like they were going to get better either - but they did. Little by little, with the meds, therapy, self-care and forming connections with other humans.

Being out after dark isn't for everyone for sure, depending on where you live you are probably very sensible doing your walking by day! You have a self-preservation instinct keeping you safe, so keep that up! I am sorry that the thoughts of harming yourself are still with you. I know I am a stranger but I hope you don't do it. You're not alone in this world, you have already touched the lives of me and other posters on this thread.

Do you have a routine in your days, generally? What do you do in the morning, are you a tea or coffee person? Do you look forward to that first cup - the sensation of holding the hot cup, the first slightly too hot mouthful? Maybe that's just me 😀

Thanks for your kindness @Gunpowder
Unfortunately, it is just cowardice that is stopping me

Thanks @SecondRow, I do appreciate your kind words.

When is your therapy appointment this week @Pullmybrainout ? I hope you go and also that things are a tiny bit better today.

Thinking of you.

Hi @Gunpowder My appointment is today. I’m lying in bed agonising about whether to go or not. I keep visualising sitting there with her staring at me and me not wanting to say anything. She knows I am a fraud.

You mentioned on another thread that you are often starving yourself. Your brain needs food to function properly. It's possible that you are hearing your dog because your brain is starved.

You're not a fraud. One of the reasons why mental illness is so hard to treat is that it inherently affects how you think. A professional will understand this.

Did you go to the appointment @Pullmybrainout ? I hope so. No one here thinks you are a fraud and your therapist won’t think that either.

I did go in the end. I wanted to speak about the constant voice in my head telling me to get on and kill myself but obviously I couldn’t.
It was quite uncomfortable because I didn’t want to speak but she was actually really kind. She said I need to give myself permission to rest and recover and accept that I have been very ill rather than criticising myself as lazy and selfish all the time. She has no idea how bad I feel though or that I am still thinking about suicide.
Thanks for asking @Gunpowder

Suggestions on how to convey the message without having to speak at that moment:

• Write down your thoughts beforehand and hand her the paper.
• Print this thread and show it to her.

I would feel like a fraud doing that though

You're not though. If this is how you feel, then your health team need to know that.

Look up Imposter Syndrome because the way you are talking reminds me of that.

I’m so glad you went to your appointment and that the therapist was kind @Pullmybrainout I think she’s absolutely right about giving yourself time to rest and recover. I hope you are able to show yourself some compassion. From the way you post I imagine you would never speak as harshly about another person as you do about yourself.

I think printing out/emailing a link to the thread to your therapist or psychiatrist is a great idea. It’s not fraudulent at all. This is how you feel and those feelings are valid. I think it would really help them to help you.

Thanks @Gunpowder but I don’t deserve any compassion. I think my psychiatrist has realised what a waste of space I am as I’m not getting better quickly enough.
My heart rate went bonkers this afternoon (160bpm when I was sitting down) so hopefully I’m not going to last much longer. It did freak me out a bit when I saw it though.

Would you talk about anyone else like this? If not, why talk about yourself like this?

because I despise myself and deserve to suffer?

You might despise yourself, but you don't deserve to suffer. No human deserves what you are going through now.