Stuck between life and death . TW suicide

[Pullmybrainout]

Anyone else feel that they are stuck between life and death, struggling to get through each day and wondering what the point is?
I have a voice in my head telling me I need to kill myself and that I am weak and a fraud that I haven’t done it yet. I haven’t been able to focus my mind enough to order what I would need to do the deed online.
I’m tired of living like this and I don’t have any friends or family who would be upset so why haven’t I done it yet. Maybe I am a fraud.

Anyone else feel like this?

I was in a similar position to you,20 years ago for about 10 years . In and out of psychiatric hospitals , on a section. I tried to end it 3 times. It gets better I promise you. Think of the help, Samaritans, therapy, outpatient cpns etc as a life raft. Something to keep your head above the water to stop you drowning .
Because I promise you, you won't feel like this forever .
If the meds you are on aren't working fight for different ones, if you need therapy go, but all the self help books you can , fight for yourself , because you deserve a life free from pain and there are other ways to get this x

You took care of your lovely dog while he was with you, the very best care I am sure.

Now it is the season to take care of you. Everything has a time and now you need you. You deserve everything good, just like he did.

If you can get through this time, then it will be time for something else, maybe another wonderful someone, on four legs or two, will come into your life.

I can’t believe how kind everyone is being. I do appreciate it.

I couldn't read and not reply. You matter. Please talk to someone in real life. ❤️

I miss him so much. He needs me now and I’m not there yet.

What therapy are you having? Is it helping at all? I’m glad you see your psych in four weeks, will they bring the appointment forward if you ask? I know mine don’t due to how busy they are but it might be different in your area.

To answer your question, I feel like this too.

In my better moments (when I manage to bury it and not dwell too much) I think I’m still here because there’s a better purpose for me and there’s a way to make my life better. I also tell myself that suicide is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. I say this over and over again.

Someone told me that suicide doesn’t mean you want to die; it means you don’t want to live the life you’re living. I think of this as well and for me it’s true. I don’t want to be unlikeable and have no friends and be an outcast at work and be shut away with anxiety and have no money and struggle with no love in my life. I also don’t want to die. In my good periods I think how can I change even one of these things, because by doing that I then won’t be living this life any more.

I want to say that I hear you, I feel your pain, I’m with you. You’re not a fraud. I’ve told myself I’m a coward for not doing it, but do you know what, I’m not a coward. I just feel like one small change would take me out of this. I know I’ll feel exactly how you’ve described very soon - it comes up on me suddenly. I worry every morning I might end up feeling the way you do as I never know when my mind will fixate on how shit my life is and how shit I am and everyone thinks I am etc. So when it happens I just fight it and ride the wave until I’m not in the pit any more. I’m working with my counsellor to make the small changes bit by bit and I’m starting medication tomorrow.

Do you have someone working with you on your mental health right now?

Supposed to be psychodynamic therapy but she just sits and stares at me waiting for me to speak. I think she knows I am a fraud.
I could bring the psychiatrist appointment forward but I can’t tell him how I feel. He thinks I am better than I was. I think he is wasting his time on me now.

Thanks for replying, you get it.
You sound very brave and strong.

It could be that your illness is giving you intrusive thoughts. Because your dog wouldn't want you to leave this world. Dogs accept things and people just the way they are. You are still here on earth because it is your time to be alive.

You have an impulse for life and freedom in you - I know because you don't want to go back to hospital. That means there is something better about life outside of there, and the possibility of things getting gradually better too.

The longer you go without talking to people the harder it is, so can you make sure you get to therapy? Tell them it's hard for you, but try and keep going regularly.

I would definitely bring the appointment forward. It’s ok to take some steps back on the way to recovery. It doesn’t need to be linear and perfect. Your psychiatrist knows they can’t work miracles but they can’t help you at all if you don’t tell them the truth.

I think more than anything your dog would want you to be safe.

I saw him when I was in hospital and he wanted me to come and look after him. I wasn’t sure if it was real and I couldn’t mention it in case they thought I was imagining things. I didn’t like it in hospital because I was forced to eat and wasn’t allowed out on walks. It’s much better here as I can do what I want.

Your psych isn’t wasting time on you, they will want to help. But mental health isn’t an exact science, what works for one might not for another. I say this as somebody who is described as “complex” which basically means they haven’t a clue what to do and keep trialling multiple drugs! Are you in medication?

I had stopped raking my medication but was forced to take it again in hospital. I have been tempted to stop again now as it doesn’t make me well enough. Only still taking it because I promised my psychiatrist I wouldn’t stop again without discussing it with him.

@Pullmybrainout you sound brave and strong to me, too.

Are you not receiving any help at the moment? No therapy/mental health team/medication?

What do you take? Might you need an increase?

Oh sorry, I just read your update.

Your feelings of missing him are very real and no wonder. It's so sad for you that he's gone.

These feelings are not the only feelings you're going to have from now on, though. It's hard to imagine but it does get better and possible to live with the loss, little by little.

You like going for walks - me too. We have a bit of snow where I am today and the sun was out and sparkling on it. It was icy cold and there was a satisfying crunch underfoot.

Is there somewhere in particular you like to walk?

I’m only on citalopram 20mg now. Was 30mg before I stopped and psychiatrist wants me to increase it to 40mg. I hate being on medication because I’ve had so many over the years and they never help.
I think if I stop the medication then I might have the courage to kill myself.

Please have a conversation with your psych about meds, don’t just stop them as that’s very destabilising. Keep talking to us x

I can force myself to go out and walk, just putting one foot in front of the other is possible once I start. I do wonder what the point is though

Are you able to email/phone ahead of your session, so your psychiatrist knows how you’re feeling now and that the medication isn’t effective; rather than wait until your next session? When is your next session?

Thank you everyone for your kind messages. It helps to be able to be honest without having to worry about that having consequences xx

We’re here for you 💐 xxx

I think the point is just feeling the world underneath my feet, for me. It's literally grounding, sometimes, if I've been living a lot in my head. It reminds me I am living here in this real world and I belong here, it's my world and yours just as much as it is anyone else's.

I read on a completely different thread here, motivation follows action, which I find to be true too.

Do you feel a little sense of achievement after you've gone and put one foot in front of the other?