Stuck between life and death . TW suicide

[Pullmybrainout]

Anyone else feel that they are stuck between life and death, struggling to get through each day and wondering what the point is?
I have a voice in my head telling me I need to kill myself and that I am weak and a fraud that I haven’t done it yet. I haven’t been able to focus my mind enough to order what I would need to do the deed online.
I’m tired of living like this and I don’t have any friends or family who would be upset so why haven’t I done it yet. Maybe I am a fraud.

Anyone else feel like this?

Hi OP, sorry to read about how you are feeling. I wonder if you could consider that your therapist might have an inkling or how you are feeling and that being able to either tell her or write it down might be such an important step for you and may counter the voice that is telling you not to live. Because that voice seems to be very convincing but I think you may find that trying to open up to other people might bring in more voices that feel very strongly that that voice does not need to be the loudest one. I hope you can take care of yourself and please reach out, so many people have experienced suicidal thoughts and will understand the misery of where you sit right now.

Thank you @coffeeisthebest
My situation is different to most people who have suicidal thoughts because no one would be affected by my death. No one knows or cares what I do so my life is completely irrelevant. That is quite liberating in a way though because I don’t have to worry about upsetting anyone. My psychiatrist was worried about me for a while because he didn’t want it to reflect badly on him if I died soon after coming out of hospital but it has been a few months now so he’s not concerned about that any more.

My situation is different to most people who have suicidal thoughts because no one would be affected by my death.

No family? No friends? No pets?

My cousin died by suicide a few years back. Doubtless he thought the same things as you, yet he had plenty of people at his funeral.

Hi OP, your thinking is flawed with all due respect. Depression and suicidal thinking will tell you you are irrelevant but it simply isn't true. Your psychiatrist and counsellor will both care deeply if you take your own life, everyone on this thread who has taken the time to reply is invested, anyone who has come across you in your lifetime will be impacted. We are, in essence, all in this together. There is nothing straightforward about death, there is no simple way out in the way your thoughts are telling you. Please don't believe the violent thoughts that try to convince you that your life doesn't matter. It does matter, you matter. You need to reach out and tell someone how seriously you are considering this.

So sorry for your loss @NCfortheeatingdisorderboard xx

I don’t think there is anything they can do. It is a rational decision for me.

How are you doing this week @Pullmybrainout ? Did you see your therapist? January is over at last. Hopefully there will be signs of spring soon.

Hi @Gunpowder I’m still here, veering between complete despair on some days to doing ok on others.
My therapist cancelled as she was ill but I managed without the session so I wonder whether I even need therapy at all really. I’m totally detached from the world but haven’t got organised to exit it so I’m under a lot of pressure from the voice in my head. I’m being told to get on with it and to realise that I am totally irrelevant so it is not important if I kill myself. I get panicky when I listen to that because it is so true. I’m worrying about sorting out some financial stuff and then thinking why are you bothered about that if you really aren’t going to be around. So maybe I am a fraud. It is so exhausting to have this pressure all the time. It feels inevitable that I will pluck up the courage eventually so why put it off.

I think seeing your therapist is really important and I’m sorry she couldn’t make it. I can hear how much pain you are in and I’m so sorry you feel like this. There is only one you and you are important! When do you see your psychiatrist?

Have you thought about another dog? I only got my first when I was 37. My second, 9 years later was both a new lease of life for my ageing dog but a way of continuing the love and companionship that I'd come to love. So the cycle continued - the day my first dog passed in my arms there were rescue puppies playing outside. I now have six (excessive, I know!) ranging from 14 years to 18 months.

You know how much your dog needed you and how much you needed your dog. There is another dog out there who would adore you and be adored by you. Can you make that your next project?

It is hard to make any plans for a future when I’m being told to kill myself. I can’t think about anything else as it is constant pressure in my head.

Understood. Can I ask, is it that you don't want to live or you don't want to live the way you are now?

It’s hard to explain really. I feel that I’m being weak by not killing myself, I don’t have any option, it is just a question of time. That’s the only way of having any self-respect because I am
irrelevant to the world.

Very, very few people are relevant to the world - a tiny percentage; some good, some evil.

There's a quote you might like: "Americans think life is serious but not hopeless, the British think that life is hopeless but not serious"

If you could come back as someone else, or do it all over again, what would you change? What would be your dream life?

Thats true that few people are relevant to the world. I phrased it wrong. Most people are relevant to at least some other people in the world. I am not relevant to anyone. No self pity there as you reap what you sow in this life.

Yeah, but you were hugely relevant to your dog and you would be the best person in the world to another dog who has no one else. Some people don't do well with other people. That's OK. It's not mandatory to be popular or loved or successful or meaningful. Letting go of all those ideals and just living life on your terms is fine.

That’s true. I don’t know how to stop the pressure in my head though.it is exhausting.

Be honest with your therapist and also could you get better or more meds from your GP?

Can you try telling it to relax? Just imagine saying to it that nothing matters, nothing in today is worth worrying about so it can stand down for now.

When you're ready to sleep picture a blank wall, painted in soft grey or beige. If a thought tries to wriggle in just ignore it and look at that wall, nothing else.

I’m thinking of trying to get my psychiatrist to give me some strong sleeping pills that I could use but I don’t want him to get implicated as he has been so supportive. I don’t think he would fall for it anyway as he seems to be able to see straight through me even when I say I am ok.

I was actually thinking of SSRIs...

I was wondering about setting a time limit before I had to take action as that might quieten down the noise in my head. I can’t bear the constant pressure at the moment.

They don’t do enough, they just keep me trapped between life and death

That could be a good strategy. Tell the noise that you will deal with everything in the morning but it needs to sleep now. This might sound a bit daft but when I can't sleep I imagine winning the EuroMillions and what I would do with the money - it's very distracting and I'm away before I've spent any of it!!

Thank you for your kindness. Do you struggle with your own mental
health?