Stuck between life and death . TW suicide

[Pullmybrainout]

Anyone else feel that they are stuck between life and death, struggling to get through each day and wondering what the point is?
I have a voice in my head telling me I need to kill myself and that I am weak and a fraud that I haven’t done it yet. I haven’t been able to focus my mind enough to order what I would need to do the deed online.
I’m tired of living like this and I don’t have any friends or family who would be upset so why haven’t I done it yet. Maybe I am a fraud.

Anyone else feel like this?

You need to tell your psychiatrist all this stuff @Pullmybrainout . Show them the thread. If you think you are irrelevant then it can’t do any harm. Just email it. Then you have set something in motion and made a choice and you can stop thinking about it. It’s a much better way of taking action. Copy the link and send it. You don’t need to have this constant pressure in your head. They can help you.

I would be worried that it would look like attention seeking though.

You're very welcome. Yes, I've struggled with feeling worthless, being a waste of space and wanting to die at various times throughout my life - it's ended me up in hospital a couple of times. I don't think I'm alone in having those thoughts, in fact I would hazard a guess that most people do at some time or another. Yet here I am at 60, mainly on a even keel with odd spells of despair or really pissedoffness (if that's a word?!) and lots of joy thanks to my mutts.

Thank you for sharing that. I’m glad you have found your even keel and it does give me some hope for myself. It’s easy to feel that I am worse than anyone else but I guess lots of people feel like that too. Thanks again xx

Sleep easy. You'll be OK.

@Pullmybrainout - how are you doing today?

I’m feeling ok today thanks @Eyesopenwideawake
Your positive comments yesterday did help me. I’ve been for a long walk this morning and have a call this afternoon to get some advice about the financial stuff that is weighing me down. I think I will feel better if I can at least get that resolved.
How are you and your assorted mutts today?

Fab news! Mutts are enjoying the unseasonably hot weather here in Portugal - all lounging around outside. It's a tough life 😂

Pictured are the Lady of the House, Alice on her own sofa (we get a special dispensation to share it, on occasion) and Red and the baby, Lili. She wears this coat on hunting days as she looks a bit too much like a fox from a distance.

Gorgeous ❤️

You are not a fraud. You are suffering, but you have hope. What you are is strong.

I am either a coward because I want to die but haven’t done it or a fraud if I don’t really want to die.

You are neither a fraud nor a coward! What I can hear is the illness talking. You are attacking yourself because you have a chemical imbalance in your brain that is causing you to have less seratonin than you should have. Because of this you are not thinking the way you should, which is that of course you don't want to kill yourself, you want to survive. That is the most basic of all human instincts! You are absolutely right not to go through with it. You are not being a coward, you are being brave, knowing that you have to face another difficult day. But don't give up. Find the right medicine, then you can once again experience the joy in the small things. Like a beautiful sunset, or the smell of freshly baked bread. And another dog, that is waiting in a rescue somewhere, for you to be their new pack leader.

@Pullmybrainout Gently, rather than call yourself names can you just accept that you are not happy at the moment but that this situation is not static - it can change? Remember how you felt during your walk this morning? Human feelings go and up down day by day (or even minute by minute), they are not fixed. Instead of concentrating on the dark times, start searching for the glimmers of hope, of happiness, of contentment. Once you start actively looking for the glimmers you will start to see them more and more.

Can you try something that might help? Imagine that that part of your brain that criticises and berates you goes wrong overnight. It's broken, it's silent, it no longer works. You are just you, but minus the voices. How would life look without it?

@PurpleOrchid42 - just an aside, the 'chemical imbalance' theory was debunked back in the 1990's.

Thank you, I didn't know that!! Mine definitely is though, as it comes and goes with hormones. PMDD.

Neither is true.

You want not to live the life you are currently living, and when you cannot see how to make your life better, suicide looks like the only option.

the 'chemical imbalance' theory was debunked back in the 1990's.

So how come SSRIs work?

Thank you so much for your kind message @NCfortheeatingdisorderboard
How are you getting on with your BED?

Badly. It's easier to binge than not right now.

Really sorry to hear that @NCfortheeatingdisorderboard, BED is really tough. You mentioned that you were going to try SMART Recovery? Are you getting any help from a therapist or ED psychiatrist?

Hi, I just thought I would update in case anyone else is in a similar situation.
I had a session with my therapist today and I was more honest about how I have been feeling as posters on here had been suggesting. It was a real relief to be able to talk about it without worrying that it would trigger a panicked response from her. We talked about how it is quite common to be conflicted between a death wish and life wish and doesn’t make me a fraud for not having gone ahead with it yet. So, thank you to all the kind folk who have posted on this thread and hopefully this may help someone else with similar thoughts x

I’m so glad you were open with your therapist @Pullmybrainout . That must have taken a lot of courage.

I wasn’t planning to, it just came out but I feel better for it x

How are you doing this week, @Pullmybrainout ? Have you seen your psychiatrist? Thinking of you.

I feel the same. If I could just push a button and have it over with, i'd be long since gone. And my life isn't objectively bad.

Hi @Gunpowder I’m still wallowing in self pity and feeling sorry for myself.
I cancelled my appointment with my psychiatrist but then had to see him a few days later as he “wasn’t taking no for an answer”. I know that I am very fortunate that I am getting such compassionate care especially reading some other posters experiences who can’t get any help at all. I don’t know why he still bothers with me. He has prescribed some antipsychotics to help with depression rather than psychosis but I can’t take them. I’m back thinking about suicide options which are quick and violent but won’t take as much planning and organisation as gentler methods. I also cancelled my therapy session this week as couldn’t face her.