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Original poster

Partners OCD

341 replies

ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 20:53

I was just wondering is anyone here in a long term relationship with someone who suffers with OCD?

If so, I just want to know how you cope.

My partner was apparently diagnosed with OCD when he was 8/9 years old he is soon to be 25. He has recently completed 10 sessions paid of therapy, he was given some coping mechanisms and they were working, but now he is back to square one.

I am finding him extremely difficult to live with, I love him dearly and I don’t want to end things with him.

I am going to list a few of his habits below

•	Constantly cleaning/looking for something to clean
•	Obsessive showering.

He will shower first thing in the morning.
If leaves the house, he’ll come back and have another shower (basically, if he goes out three times during the day, that’s three showers)
Another shower just before he gets into bed, if he wakes up in the middle of the night he will shower again, then he’ll shower again the in morning.
Every time he uses the toilet (even for number ones) he cleans the toilet and pours bleach down it.
Bedsheets have to be changed every single day.
Me and our two children can’t eat or drink anything, anywhere within the house except for the kitchen and it must be at the table.

Above is just a few things, I could literally go on all night. I have spoke to a few close friends about this; but none of them understand, I’m always met with “you’re lucky to have a man without any dirty habits”

His obsessive behaviour is really bringing me down, I don’t think he is ever going to understand that his behaviour is NOT normal.

Just to avoid conflict with him, I leave the house at 8am each morning to take my eldest son to school, and I don’t return until I’ve collected him in the evening. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and at times he can be very disrespectful towards me, and put me down.

I’m not expecting a lot of replies, but I feel a tad bit better speaking out about it.

OP posts:
Peanutbutteryday · 30/04/2023 21:10

I don’t have any first hand suggestions but I didn’t want to read and run. That sounds really tough OP xxx

GrazingSheep · 30/04/2023 21:12

You cannot let your children live like this.
Is he their dad?

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 21:12

Peanutbutteryday · 30/04/2023 21:10

I don’t have any first hand suggestions but I didn’t want to read and run. That sounds really tough OP xxx

Thanks for replying 🤗 💐

Yes it's very difficult for me, I just feel so down and low at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 21:14

GrazingSheep · 30/04/2023 21:12

You cannot let your children live like this.
Is he their dad?

Yes, he is their dad our boys are age 6 and 17 months. Our eldest son is copying some of his behaviour ☹️

OP posts:
paulhollywoodshairgel · 30/04/2023 21:15

This is no way to live. Does he take any meds? I have a family member with debilitating OCD. They had CBT therapy and take meds and they have improved significantly. You would be totally within your rights to leave.

GrazingSheep · 30/04/2023 21:16

You have some very difficult choices to make. Is he aware of the effect he is having on the children?

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 21:17

paulhollywoodshairgel · 30/04/2023 21:15

This is no way to live. Does he take any meds? I have a family member with debilitating OCD. They had CBT therapy and take meds and they have improved significantly. You would be totally within your rights to leave.

No he doesn't take any meds, it has been suggested but he refused.

It's just not nice or fair on me, when he accuses me of "triggering his ocd" I am a clean and tidy person myself, so I don't know exactly where I'm going wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 21:22

GrazingSheep · 30/04/2023 21:16

You have some very difficult choices to make. Is he aware of the effect he is having on the children?

No, I don't think he is aware. He has already taught the baby how to clean up his toys.

I'm mostly worried about our 6 year old, his teacher asked to speak to me after school because she was a little concerned about him not wanting to join in on cake making ☹️ he wanted his own ingredients from "mummy and daddys kitchen"

OP posts:
Disydoll12 · 30/04/2023 21:23

I feel for you, that must be a very stressful way to live. Are there any counselling services that deal with this kind of issue for couples? Even counselling just for you until you can decide what is best for you and your boys?

I am not surprised you avoid being in the house, I would too. You deserve better, its no way to live.

RedHelenB · 30/04/2023 21:24

ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 21:14

Yes, he is their dad our boys are age 6 and 17 months. Our eldest son is copying some of his behaviour ☹️

Show quote history

From first hand experience that is not an environment you want to grow up in.

Bluebells1970 · 30/04/2023 21:27

Oh gosh, that sounds horrendous.

But you and your DC can't spend your lives tiptoeing on eggshells around his compulsions. He's the one that needs to deal with this, and in the kindest way, you're just enabling him to behave like it.

Time for a tough conversation that you can't and won't live like this and he needs serious help with it. He must be exhausted too.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 21:33

Disydoll12 · 30/04/2023 21:23

I feel for you, that must be a very stressful way to live. Are there any counselling services that deal with this kind of issue for couples? Even counselling just for you until you can decide what is best for you and your boys?

I am not surprised you avoid being in the house, I would too. You deserve better, its no way to live.

Yes, there are counselling for couples. I've suggested it but he had declined, even when he was going to therapy sessions he wouldn't let me go along to support him.

He is not aware of how much I love him, I just want to help him get better, it just seems impossible.

OP posts:
ThisIsTrifficult · 30/04/2023 21:34

My dh has ocd and I feel your frustration/pain/sadness.
Their compulsions are very different though, mine is a tapper.

It ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's awful. He will be stuck for ages until it's done 'right'. For a while, he stopped completely and it sucked him back in.

DH has had some phone CBT that wasn't amazing.
He's tried a councillor & hypnotherapist too.
I feel his OCD is different though as it only came about around 28-29 after a traumatic event, so to me it almost feels like superstition but his anxiety spirals if he doesn't do it.
He tried anti depressants and they did nothing for him, but if he had the more usual onset I feel it would have.
Don't feel you have to be part of his obsessions. They're his and you don't have to join him. Him telling you you're the issue for cleaning is defensive. He knows it's bollocks and it's his way of justifying it. He'd be doing it whether you were there or not.
As for what to do about it, I'm not sure. I hope he engages with all the help that is available.
DH agreed to go to the Dr when I told him how it made me feel and I was worried he'd be stuck tapping if one of our DC needed urgent attention!

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 21:36

Bluebells1970 · 30/04/2023 21:27

Oh gosh, that sounds horrendous.

But you and your DC can't spend your lives tiptoeing on eggshells around his compulsions. He's the one that needs to deal with this, and in the kindest way, you're just enabling him to behave like it.

Time for a tough conversation that you can't and won't live like this and he needs serious help with it. He must be exhausted too.

I think he does feel guilty, he has said a few times that he knows he is making me unhappy but he just can't help it ☹️

If I were to leave him, I wouldn't manage I suffer from anxiety myself and I can only cope with looking after one child unless I have a friend or family member with me.

I find parenting as a whole very difficult.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 30/04/2023 21:37

You didn’t make him like this and you can’t fix him. He is refusing to recognize that he has a problem and he will continue to force you and the children into the prison of his ocd. You really need to take the children and run. Sad but true.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 21:38

@ThisIsTrifficult

HELLO! 🤗

I am so pleased to come across someone who understands.

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 30/04/2023 21:40

You both need to deal with your anxiety. Why does your anxiety mean that you can ' only deal with one child at a timer'?

Both your dc will need counselling in future if you don't get your fingers out and sort this now. The poor kids didn't ask for this.

And why do you leave the house at 8am? To avoid conflict? Is there no conflict in the evening?

Your h's ocd will make your anxiety worse. You really need to resolve this.

drawingmaps · 30/04/2023 21:41

I have had OCD since I was about 8 and am also in my 20s. Has he had any exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP)? It's supposed to be the gold standard for OCD treatment. For me it worked within a wider psychotherapy approach, where I could build trust with my therapist (very important bc ERP is scary) and also unpick some of the reasons behind it. I'm not cured, but it doesn't hugely impact my life anymore and doesn't affect my relationships.
Unfortunately the NHS CBT is usually not enough, or suitable, for this kind of very deep rooted issue. .

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 21:43

piedbeauty · 30/04/2023 21:40

You both need to deal with your anxiety. Why does your anxiety mean that you can ' only deal with one child at a timer'?

Both your dc will need counselling in future if you don't get your fingers out and sort this now. The poor kids didn't ask for this.

And why do you leave the house at 8am? To avoid conflict? Is there no conflict in the evening?

Your h's ocd will make your anxiety worse. You really need to resolve this.

Looking after both at once is just very overwhelming for me.

I leave at 8am because it means that I'm out of the house for more hours.

When I return in the evening, the time goes quicker, I'm usually a sleep by 10pm most nights.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 21:46

drawingmaps · 30/04/2023 21:41

I have had OCD since I was about 8 and am also in my 20s. Has he had any exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP)? It's supposed to be the gold standard for OCD treatment. For me it worked within a wider psychotherapy approach, where I could build trust with my therapist (very important bc ERP is scary) and also unpick some of the reasons behind it. I'm not cured, but it doesn't hugely impact my life anymore and doesn't affect my relationships.
Unfortunately the NHS CBT is usually not enough, or suitable, for this kind of very deep rooted issue. .

Thank you for commenting, I will look ERP up tonight and I will book some sessions for him this week. I am at the stage where I am willing to do anything to help him.

OP posts:
Rummikub · 30/04/2023 21:52

ThisIsTrifficult · 30/04/2023 21:34

My dh has ocd and I feel your frustration/pain/sadness.
Their compulsions are very different though, mine is a tapper.

It ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's awful. He will be stuck for ages until it's done 'right'. For a while, he stopped completely and it sucked him back in.

DH has had some phone CBT that wasn't amazing.
He's tried a councillor & hypnotherapist too.
I feel his OCD is different though as it only came about around 28-29 after a traumatic event, so to me it almost feels like superstition but his anxiety spirals if he doesn't do it.
He tried anti depressants and they did nothing for him, but if he had the more usual onset I feel it would have.
Don't feel you have to be part of his obsessions. They're his and you don't have to join him. Him telling you you're the issue for cleaning is defensive. He knows it's bollocks and it's his way of justifying it. He'd be doing it whether you were there or not.
As for what to do about it, I'm not sure. I hope he engages with all the help that is available.
DH agreed to go to the Dr when I told him how it made me feel and I was worried he'd be stuck tapping if one of our DC needed urgent attention!

Can I suggest EMDR? It works brilliantly for those with a triggering trauma. It is expensive but you can also get it on NHS.

it might also be worth trying for your husband op. I know that ERP is considered the gold standard but it manages rather than improves. Like a sledgehammer imo. EMDR is very different and resolves the trigger by helping the brain to process the block/ trauma.

HairyKitty · 30/04/2023 21:53

@ThankYouMama
10 sessions is never ever going to “cure” ocd (which is never cured but controlled)
Treatment takes immense commitment, willpower and is very traumatic.
He will probably need medication alongside therapy before he can even begin to benefit from therapy
Your poor poor children, you have to take responsibility here. Which scenario is better for them, leaving with their dads mental health condition, or living separately to their dad?
It’s certainly possible to live apart and still try a relationship.
Choosing to do nothing is still making an active choice to keep your children in this environment.

HairyKitty · 30/04/2023 21:55

Also colluding behaviours ie going along with the sufferers requirements, validate and perpetuate the condition. Real help is needed to break the cycle.

PragmaticWench · 30/04/2023 21:58

CBT and EMDR are often suggested as being brilliant for OCD, snd they are...until something happens that hasn't been covered by the practice and then people don't have the tools to cope, so revert back to the compulsive behaviours.

Neither method gets to the root of the issues. psychotherapy is a better approach long term but that obviously costs more as it takes longer.

CountTessa · 30/04/2023 21:58

Fyi: you are not triggering his ocd. He is choosing to listen to those unhelpful thoughts and acting on them.

I think challenging these thoughts, asking whether it's a fact that eating in a different room or not changing the sheets would cause dreadful disease/ illness/ whatever his thoughts are telling him , would be sensible.

But getting advise from a therapist and going with him to his to get a hlbettrr understanding of how to help him/help you is the best next step.