Partners OCD

[ThankYouMama]

I was just wondering is anyone here in a long term relationship with someone who suffers with OCD?

If so, I just want to know how you cope.

My partner was apparently diagnosed with OCD when he was 8/9 years old he is soon to be 25. He has recently completed 10 sessions paid of therapy, he was given some coping mechanisms and they were working, but now he is back to square one.

I am finding him extremely difficult to live with, I love him dearly and I don’t want to end things with him.

I am going to list a few of his habits below

•	Constantly cleaning/looking for something to clean
•	Obsessive showering. 

He will shower first thing in the morning.
If leaves the house, he’ll come back and have another shower (basically, if he goes out three times during the day, that’s three showers)
Another shower just before he gets into bed, if he wakes up in the middle of the night he will shower again, then he’ll shower again the in morning.
Every time he uses the toilet (even for number ones) he cleans the toilet and pours bleach down it.
Bedsheets have to be changed every single day.
Me and our two children can’t eat or drink anything, anywhere within the house except for the kitchen and it must be at the table.

Above is just a few things, I could literally go on all night. I have spoke to a few close friends about this; but none of them understand, I’m always met with “you’re lucky to have a man without any dirty habits”

His obsessive behaviour is really bringing me down, I don’t think he is ever going to understand that his behaviour is NOT normal.

Just to avoid conflict with him, I leave the house at 8am each morning to take my eldest son to school, and I don’t return until I’ve collected him in the evening. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and at times he can be very disrespectful towards me, and put me down.

I’m not expecting a lot of replies, but I feel a tad bit better speaking out about it.

I have OCD. Most of it isn't hygiene related but I have it.I know how incredibly difficult it is but it's not a free pass to inflict your issues upon others, He is damaging your very young children's mental health and you are allowing him to do it, not only allowing but actively supporting him by putting your partner first. Growing up in a single parent household is much less detrimental to them than what's happening now, living in a very unhappy family and developing their own mental health issues because your partner clearly has no intention of seeking real and ongoing help.

@thankyoumama @rummikub
Hello! I don't know many others who have partners suffering from OCD.
My work psychiatrist suggested a study, which shows that if they ignore that compulsions, sufferers believe the anxiety from that will increase forever.
It doesn't, it peaks and tails off over a period of time (time depends on the individual). The more they ignore the compulsion, the shorter that time becomes.
Don't get me wrong, it's horrific for them. DH said it's very much like that episode of big bang theory when Leonard had to wear the itchy jumper.

Rummikub, thank you! I will check this out.
I'm fortunate that DH wanted to engage eventually. I think his reticence stemmed from the fear of it not working and then knowing he'd be stuck with it forever.

This sounds like such a difficult situation for you and your family to be in. I don't think it's as black and white as some other posters indicate it to be. He has a severe mental health condition. OCD is irrational, he doesn't want to be doing all those things but his body is almost physically telling him he has to. It's great that he made some progress with therapy, but has gone backwards since the therapy stopped which indicates how important it is for it to be ongoing.

I know you said neither of you work as you have money, but it's worth considering that neither of you are living a 'normal' life and do not have anything to focus on outside of the home. So in your husband's case his OCD has completely taken over and he's living in an environment where it's easy to follow all his compulsions, versus if he was out for the day at work he wouldn't be able to shower multiple times and that in itself would help.

The most concerning thing about your partners OCD is his refusal to accept responsibility and get treatment for it.
You seem to consider your own anxiety as a separate entity but you have a partner calling you names, getting irritated at you, making you follow his OCD rules - I think you would find in a different environment your own anxiety would be a lot better.

Both your children will develop his anxiety without him making changes. That is not the happy childhood you say you want for them. They will be following your partners OCD rules in no time unless your partner is willing to make changes.
Treatment for your sons (potential) OCD would involve not letting him wash his hands excessively, not letting him use his hand sanitizer, not letting him complete other rituals - do you really think that your partner could support this? I’d suggest he needs to work on his own OCD first before he is able to support your son to stop these behaviours.

He has said he doesn't want to be "hooked" on medication, the medication offered to him will no doubt slow him down and stabilise his mood.

My partner has undiagnosed OCD. He refuses to seek treatment for it because he knows there's no magic bullet and he'd have to do things he doesn't want to do.
Everything takes him a million times longer than it should because of lengthy hand and arm washes at every interval. The floors get mopped every time he uses the kitchen or bathroom. He can't go outside and then come back in without a shower, full change of clothes (see my username) and more mopping.
It makes him very angry and he's constantly stressing about everything. When I first started noticing this behaviour (after our DS was born) I put up with it, because I loved him and he told me he didn't mean to do it etc etc. Now my overwhelming feeling towards him is resentment. I think he'll always put his OCD before enjoying his family, and that's not how I want to live. I'm sorry OP - it's a really tough break.

Yes, I could afford childcare. I have already suggested that our 17 month year old go to nursery, he loves playing amongst other babies of his own age, so I know that he'd benefit from it.

My partner is not keen on the idea, due to the fact that he can't talk yet and that he can't trust people he doesn't know with his son.

Our 6 year old is privately educated and my partner trusts them to look after him, I tried to explain that we can find a good nursery for the baby, but he still thinks he is too young.

Thank you for understanding, I think people don't understand that it is NOT my partners fault why he is like this, he didn't ask to have OCD.

People here suggesting that I end things with him, is really upsetting to read, I will continue to stick by him.

🤗 💐

I feel the same way too 😭

I don’t think most people are failing to understand the OCD isn’t his fault, nobody would choose that.
However, he IS choosing not to seek help and there is concern around how his behaviours are and will continue to affect your children. You have seen how hard this is for your H - is that what you want for your children too?

People who don't take medications for mental health conditions are REALLY fucking selfish.

Exactly this - what people are actually advising is to protect your children. You say your eldest is happy but describe quite a sad and anxious little boy.

Thank you for understanding, I think people don't understand that it is NOT my partners fault why he is like this, he didn't ask to have OCD.

No, but he has a million ways to deal with it, and he's choosing not to. He's monumentally selfish and you are enabling him.

He has/did seek help, he went to therapy but it only covered coping mechanisms. I am going to book him some sessions myself, and this time around I will go with him and he will continue going until we see a significant improvement.

I am proud of him for trying, we are in this together and we will overcome it.

Thank you for understanding, I think people don't understand that it is NOT my partners fault why he is like this, he didn't ask to have OCD.

No he didn’t. But he is choosing not to treat it. And now you can plainly see how your son’s life is going to be. When your son is an adult will he blame you both?

OP
You can’t make him engage with therapy- he has to want to do it.

Hopefully he does though

So your husband is blaming his parents for not taking him to the doctor early on, and yet you are not taking your own son earlier on?

Where do you go to all day? Who is looking after your toddler?

Can the house be separated so he only tries to control his part.
He must not be allowed to dominate your part or the dc. That should be made absolutely non negotiable.
Mil has this and fil bends to her demands which apparently is the worst thing to do. Eg he should leave his shirt on the floor and demand it's left u
ntil he gets home.

Pandering to it is the worst thing.

I was hoping you didn't have dc with him with him. Unfortunately you do.
Dh and just dais have been dreadfully adverlsy affected by fils behavior unfortunately.

My husband grew up in an environment like this with a mother with extreme OCD. It made his childhood very difficult and was very damaging. Please don’t put your children through this.

I assumed you were using NHS services OP. With your financial situation there's no reason your husband shouldn't be in therapy multiple times a week. I always say this is this first thing I would do with a lottery win!

It really depends...

Some days I spend the day with one/ a few of the other mums from the school, if not I'll meet up with a friend, go shopping or find something else to do outside until it's time to collect our son from school.

My partner looks after our baby during the day.

We don't use the NHS, we have BUPA full courage healthcare, but it doesn't cover therapy therefore we have to pay out of our own pockets.

As you can imagine therapy sessions are very expensive, especially in our part of London. I'm forever grateful that we can afford it.

I'm feeling incredibly angry at you now. Why on earth are you leaving your toddler with a man who has such severe mental health problems? Especially as your older son is affected already.

@ThankYouMama My fiancé's parents refusal to even admit to deal with their obvious mental health issues has lead to all four children having severe anxiety problems and has destroyed his relationship with them. If you and your partner choose to work, would you be well enough to do so? As severe OCD could damage your children's career and if they are not independently wealthy like you, that could be an issue. Neither my partner, not his siblings have really been able to have a stable career due to it.

Unfortunately this wouldn't work ☹️ he dominates the whole house.