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Original poster

Partners OCD

341 replies

ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 20:53

I was just wondering is anyone here in a long term relationship with someone who suffers with OCD?

If so, I just want to know how you cope.

My partner was apparently diagnosed with OCD when he was 8/9 years old he is soon to be 25. He has recently completed 10 sessions paid of therapy, he was given some coping mechanisms and they were working, but now he is back to square one.

I am finding him extremely difficult to live with, I love him dearly and I don’t want to end things with him.

I am going to list a few of his habits below

•	Constantly cleaning/looking for something to clean
•	Obsessive showering.

He will shower first thing in the morning.
If leaves the house, he’ll come back and have another shower (basically, if he goes out three times during the day, that’s three showers)
Another shower just before he gets into bed, if he wakes up in the middle of the night he will shower again, then he’ll shower again the in morning.
Every time he uses the toilet (even for number ones) he cleans the toilet and pours bleach down it.
Bedsheets have to be changed every single day.
Me and our two children can’t eat or drink anything, anywhere within the house except for the kitchen and it must be at the table.

Above is just a few things, I could literally go on all night. I have spoke to a few close friends about this; but none of them understand, I’m always met with “you’re lucky to have a man without any dirty habits”

His obsessive behaviour is really bringing me down, I don’t think he is ever going to understand that his behaviour is NOT normal.

Just to avoid conflict with him, I leave the house at 8am each morning to take my eldest son to school, and I don’t return until I’ve collected him in the evening. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and at times he can be very disrespectful towards me, and put me down.

I’m not expecting a lot of replies, but I feel a tad bit better speaking out about it.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 01/05/2023 10:35

Why are you not admitting that you know the damage being done to your children? If it was physical abuse would you still be making excuses for him?

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 10:38

@ThankYouMama Do you have any family that could take the kids for sleepovers ect who don't have mental health issues? This might help the kids realise what normal looks like. The six year old has probably started thinking what he sees his father do is normal and he needs to be shown it's not. My partner's contact with extended family was limited to a few hours a year and this made it harder to realise what normal looked like. By the time he realised, as a teen, how bad things were he already has developed his own issues.

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 10:39

@ThankYouMama Please take your son to the doctor's immediately for a diagnosis, medication and treatment. Your partner said he didn't get help, don't let history repeat itself.

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 10:42

@ThankYouMama Please please don't underestimate the risk this situation is posing. If you struggle to be around him most of the day, as an adult, then why would it not cause your children huge stress?

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 10:46

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 10:38

@ThankYouMama Do you have any family that could take the kids for sleepovers ect who don't have mental health issues? This might help the kids realise what normal looks like. The six year old has probably started thinking what he sees his father do is normal and he needs to be shown it's not. My partner's contact with extended family was limited to a few hours a year and this made it harder to realise what normal looked like. By the time he realised, as a teen, how bad things were he already has developed his own issues.

Our eldest son does spend time with his Nan (on his dads side) he really enjoys spending time with her and sleeping over.

He is a pretty laid back child, when he in the house he enjoys building Lego or playing on his games console, he'd do that all day if I let him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 10:47

GrazingSheep · 01/05/2023 10:35

Why are you not admitting that you know the damage being done to your children? If it was physical abuse would you still be making excuses for him?

Absolutely not, my partner has never ever raised his voice at me or our child and certainly has become physical.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 10:48

TYPO WHOOPS "has never become physical"

OP posts:
HaroldeVwilliam · 01/05/2023 10:49

Yes that's sort of the point.
He must be told he can't dominate the whole house...

GrazingSheep · 01/05/2023 10:49

I’m not saying he has.
But he is damaging them now.
Can you not see that?

Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2023 11:00

ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 10:47

Absolutely not, my partner has never ever raised his voice at me or our child and certainly has become physical.

Show quote history

My Father was very abusive and caused my brother and me plenty of MH and other issues.
He never ever became physical

isthewashingdryyet · 01/05/2023 11:02

This reply has been deleted

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determinedtomakethiswork · 01/05/2023 11:05

I am struggling to believe that you stay out of the house all day every day, leaving a toddler with a mentally ill man just because you can't cope with him. I am also struggling to believe that other school mums want you there all day when your child isn't even with you.

Happiestathome · 01/05/2023 11:05

Keep going with the therapy. It works but it takes time. I’ve had about 30 individual and group sessions and that helped maybe 50%. Unfortunately, with the NHS that’s it for me other than a monthly maintenance group session which I couldn’t keep attending due to work. If he can stick with it life can be so much better for you all

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 11:10

Happiestathome · 01/05/2023 11:05

Keep going with the therapy. It works but it takes time. I’ve had about 30 individual and group sessions and that helped maybe 50%. Unfortunately, with the NHS that’s it for me other than a monthly maintenance group session which I couldn’t keep attending due to work. If he can stick with it life can be so much better for you all

Yes, this is what I intend to do.

It's bank holiday Monday today so I'll make the phone calls tomorrow, I will also book an appointment at the doctors for my youngest son, he has only just recently picked up on my partners habits, so hopefully it can be reversed.

Thanks for the helpful advice, I appreciate it 🤗 🌺

OP posts:
Lottsbiffandsmudge · 01/05/2023 11:11

OP this sounds very tough. I am the mother of a DS diagnosed with OCD at around 13. His is not hygiene related but involves rituals to deal with intrusive thoughts.
His life has been severely affected. At his worst he often said he wished he could take his brain out and wash it to get rid of the intrusive thoughts. It broke my heart. So I understand what your DH is going through.
However he has to take responsibility for treatment. He has to keep going to therapy and do the practice required. Which mainly involved resisting each ritual individually and dealing with the anxiety.
If you looked after your own toddler during the school day he could spend time doing this work.
In this difficult and damaging situation why do you abdicate responsibility for your youngest child 5 days a week? That is unforgivable to me.
We didn't give our son OCD. But your Dh will be responsible for badly affecting your DSs MH, as will you. Its hell for kids. It ruins their lives. How csn you allow that to happen? We have all had to work really hard to help DS. The work is ongoing. You need to attend therapy with him to learn how to back up the work he is doing. It's a team effort.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 11:12

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/05/2023 11:05

I am struggling to believe that you stay out of the house all day every day, leaving a toddler with a mentally ill man just because you can't cope with him. I am also struggling to believe that other school mums want you there all day when your child isn't even with you.

The worst thing a stranger could ever tell me is that "they don't believe me" therefore I am going to have to disregard you and any further posts/comments you make whilst on my post.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 01/05/2023 11:13

I feel really sorry for your children. Between the two of you they have a very good chance of being all kinds of fucked up.

Why the hell have you had another child when you cannot cope with more than 1???? WTF???

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 11:14

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 01/05/2023 11:11

OP this sounds very tough. I am the mother of a DS diagnosed with OCD at around 13. His is not hygiene related but involves rituals to deal with intrusive thoughts.
His life has been severely affected. At his worst he often said he wished he could take his brain out and wash it to get rid of the intrusive thoughts. It broke my heart. So I understand what your DH is going through.
However he has to take responsibility for treatment. He has to keep going to therapy and do the practice required. Which mainly involved resisting each ritual individually and dealing with the anxiety.
If you looked after your own toddler during the school day he could spend time doing this work.
In this difficult and damaging situation why do you abdicate responsibility for your youngest child 5 days a week? That is unforgivable to me.
We didn't give our son OCD. But your Dh will be responsible for badly affecting your DSs MH, as will you. Its hell for kids. It ruins their lives. How csn you allow that to happen? We have all had to work really hard to help DS. The work is ongoing. You need to attend therapy with him to learn how to back up the work he is doing. It's a team effort.

Yes, I understand and I know.

We will be attending therapy together, I don't care how much time or money it costs we will fix this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 11:16

Also any RUDE or UNHELPFUL comments/posts will be ignored. I already feel terrible and I will not allow anyone here to bring me down even more.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2023 11:18

ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 11:16

Also any RUDE or UNHELPFUL comments/posts will be ignored. I already feel terrible and I will not allow anyone here to bring me down even more.

You seem intent on ignoring a lot of things, including how your children are being impacted.
What would you like people to say?

Botw1 · 01/05/2023 11:20

If this is genuine then it's pretty awful

You've brought 2 kids into this mess for your own entirely selfish reasons.

Neither of you are willing to put them first now they are here and do the necessary work to protect them from you and your dhs significant mh problems.

You say you are independently wealthy and neither of you work so finances and time aren't an excuse.

You are harming your children by allowing this to continue

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 11:20

@Hoppinggreen

I am fully aware of the impact it is having on our eldest child, I am going to take him to the doctors, hopefully we can reverse this.

OP posts:
HairyKitty · 01/05/2023 11:21

@ThankYouMama
I feel like you’re really not understanding this. His OCD is on the more severe end but can also get much worse. He will absolutely not improve without long term specialist input. Nothing will improve without help, things may not improve for a very long time even with help.
No there is nothing YOU can do to help him. In fact you may be accidentally contributing by going along with his OCD requirements.

He has to have immense strength to tackle his OCD and at present he is still blaming and deflecting (features of OCD), which means he isn’t ready to receive professional help.
Knowing this you are choosing to inflict these living conditions on your children because you believe they would be better off living like this than seeing him less often.
I really think the extent of the problem has unfortunately been normalised for you and you are no longer able to advocate what’s best for your own children.
I am not saying you should separate, I’m saying in my view you do need to live separately.

Bluebells1970 · 01/05/2023 11:22

This has become one of those threads where you really hope that someone is having a wind up, because the thought of young children being dragged up through this shit is frankly heartbreaking.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 11:26

HairyKitty · 01/05/2023 11:21

@ThankYouMama
I feel like you’re really not understanding this. His OCD is on the more severe end but can also get much worse. He will absolutely not improve without long term specialist input. Nothing will improve without help, things may not improve for a very long time even with help.
No there is nothing YOU can do to help him. In fact you may be accidentally contributing by going along with his OCD requirements.

He has to have immense strength to tackle his OCD and at present he is still blaming and deflecting (features of OCD), which means he isn’t ready to receive professional help.
Knowing this you are choosing to inflict these living conditions on your children because you believe they would be better off living like this than seeing him less often.
I really think the extent of the problem has unfortunately been normalised for you and you are no longer able to advocate what’s best for your own children.
I am not saying you should separate, I’m saying in my view you do need to live separately.

Yes, I agree with you.

He has already had 10 sessions, but needs A LOT more, we can not move forward until he is back in therapy

OP posts: