Partners OCD

[ThankYouMama]

I was just wondering is anyone here in a long term relationship with someone who suffers with OCD?

If so, I just want to know how you cope.

My partner was apparently diagnosed with OCD when he was 8/9 years old he is soon to be 25. He has recently completed 10 sessions paid of therapy, he was given some coping mechanisms and they were working, but now he is back to square one.

I am finding him extremely difficult to live with, I love him dearly and I don’t want to end things with him.

I am going to list a few of his habits below

•	Constantly cleaning/looking for something to clean
•	Obsessive showering. 

He will shower first thing in the morning.
If leaves the house, he’ll come back and have another shower (basically, if he goes out three times during the day, that’s three showers)
Another shower just before he gets into bed, if he wakes up in the middle of the night he will shower again, then he’ll shower again the in morning.
Every time he uses the toilet (even for number ones) he cleans the toilet and pours bleach down it.
Bedsheets have to be changed every single day.
Me and our two children can’t eat or drink anything, anywhere within the house except for the kitchen and it must be at the table.

Above is just a few things, I could literally go on all night. I have spoke to a few close friends about this; but none of them understand, I’m always met with “you’re lucky to have a man without any dirty habits”

His obsessive behaviour is really bringing me down, I don’t think he is ever going to understand that his behaviour is NOT normal.

Just to avoid conflict with him, I leave the house at 8am each morning to take my eldest son to school, and I don’t return until I’ve collected him in the evening. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and at times he can be very disrespectful towards me, and put me down.

I’m not expecting a lot of replies, but I feel a tad bit better speaking out about it.

Having OCD is not his fault but not getting treatment for it is.
His behaviour is impacting your DC, you need to stop that happening

He is not going to take any form of medication ☹️ I would leave if I could, but I honestly wouldn't be able to manage looking after the both of them alone, even thinking about it is making me anxious.

My partner usually looks after the baby during the day, both boys are more attached to him than they are me.

I am very affectionate towards all three.

He blames his mother for not getting him the appropriate treatment when he was first diagnosed.

He remembers always wanting to bathe, wash his hands and clean up when he was younger, which led his mum taking him somewhere to get him diagnosed, I believe.

Your children will have very difficult lives.
You both have to take responsibility for getting effective help for your mental health difficulties.

Sometimes he will open up about how he feels, and the thoughts he gets inside of his head, but then soon after he will shut down again ☹️

He has accused me of trying to poison him a few times, which is really upsetting. Even if I am preparing a meal for myself, he will ask me if I've washed my hands, then will clean the worktops in the kitchen before I even get the chance to.

We have come this far together, I can't leave him.

I am in therapy for my anxiety, I'm only a few sessions in, but I have made a promise to myself to keep going.

He blames his mother, he blames you.......unfortunately you are enabling him/reinforcing his behaviours by colluding with them.

This is said with the utmost empathy, I was married to a man for 30 years with it and not even to this level. At one point when mine were little I said to him that I would have to divorce him if he did not stop his behaviour with the children (he was continually obsessed with them treading in dog poo and bringing it in the house, would tell them off if they stepped off the doormat with their shoes on and out would come the bleach) he merely changed his obsessive behaviours to some other ritual (mostly washing hands till sore but he would also get very snappy as he was inwardly struggling with whatever he perceived we did 'wrong' was only after we separated that I realised some of the things I did automatically so as not to trigger him). Much later I again made him agree to go to the doctors to do something about it, he did go to the doctors but I found out later just for an MOT. It's almost like a drug addict, they cannot be 'helped' they have to want to change and help themselves. Unfortunately it gets worse the older they get and it does affect the children, all of mine have had episodes of anxiety in some form and are overly obsessive about washing hands. It is a form of anxiety and at this level would need anti anxiety medications as well as psychiatric help.
I'm pretty sure that your own anxiety would improve if you weren't living together, I hope you have the strength to do what needs to be done much sooner than I did and give your children and yourself a place you can all relax💐

Sorry just seen your later post. I was wondering how much to say, didn't want to come across too heavy but this is what I meant by saying it appears to get worse as they get older.my ex became paranoid, led to him trying to attack someone he perceived as doing something which would give him germs and accusing me of ridiculous things. This is what pushed me over the edge as I became frightened of him.

10 sessions has never worked for me, honestly. It's like doing an hour a week learning Spanish and then expecting to be fluent by the end. I found it very difficult once the sessions ended to fight compulsions alone. I am medicated.

the more you collude with him, when you think it's helping, because you love him, the more rules he's going to set himself to follow and your existing rules will become tighter.

I've suffered various mental health issues, one of them OCD and magical thinking, but agoraphobia is my worst ever condition and I'm still stuck after ten years, I'm 34.

My husband and parents have taken so much of my own anxieties away from me and I am dependent on them, which I completely accept, and I don't want to push myself to go to the supermarket/ school pick ups/ chemist, because frankly I'm terrified. I feel like something terrible WILL happen and I'll have a panic attack. It's almost like the feeling of someone pointing a gun at me, that's how desperately scared I am, and I assume your DH feels similarly.

My family do these things for me, because they love me, and nobody wants to see someone they love in pain or distress, but it's almost like killing someone with kindness. I'm hopeful that for now acknowledging this at least will spur me on in the future, but it's a hard thing to deal with all day every day, and the guilt I feel is tremendous. But I have to put in the hard work, and continuously do it. I don't feel safe ever anyway without these responsibilities, so I guess I don't have much to lose, but a lot to gain. But it's completely up to ME and your DH to put the work in.

really wish you and your family all the best 💐

Do neither of you work, op? And your h looks after the baby all day? This is really not a great idea - he will be teaching the baby all sorts of bad habits relating to OCD.

Has his OCD got worse since having dc? Why did you think it was a good idea to have Dc with him??

No neither of us work, I am financially stable due to inheritance and he too has his own money.

When he told me he had OCD I looked at it as a good thing at the time, I feel pregnant soon after meeting him, I was longing for a baby and he ticked all the boxes 😊

We have two boys together aged 6 years old and 17 months, I wouldn't say that the OCD has gotten worst, but as above my 6 year old is following some of his habits. he spends a lot of time washing his hands, we go through several bottles of hand wash a week. My son also carries hand sanitiser in his ruck-sack and will use it each time he has touch something outside, even dining out is becoming a problem now.

Are you serious, op? He 'ticked all the boxes' as someone to have a baby with even though his OCD was this bad? What were his good points?

You can see the effect your h's behaviour has had on your older ds. He should be happy to play outside, not even thinking about washing his hands, but your h is affecting his mental health very badly. I'd say that was child abuse. And your h refuses to take medication or do any of the hard work to tackle his OCD, yet is happy to blame everyone around him instead?

He doesn't sound like a good man.

And I don't think he should be looking after your baby, or the baby will grow up with the same disordered thinking as his older brother.

You are responsible for looking after your kids and keeping them safe, and you're not doing this. Your poor dc.

Just to avoid conflict with him, I leave the house at 8am each morning to take my eldest son to school, and I don’t return until I’ve collected him in the evening.

This is not normal or healthy.

I don’t want to live like this anymore, and at times he can be very disrespectful towards me, and put me down.

Only you can change this. Can you talk to family or friends? Could any of your family help you to look after your Dc?

I think if you left your h, your mh would miraculously improve anyway.

I didn't know that his OCD was this bad, I feel pregnant with our first child quiet quickly.

He can and will continue looking after the baby, he is not a danger to our child and he keeps them safe.

Also, as I previously mentioned I can not manage with both children, I find it very overwhelming due to my anxiety. It's bank holiday today and we are going out to do something nice, a good friend of mine is going to come along to help me out.

*Yes, I do have friends who would be willing to help out with the boys.

I have no plans or thoughts to end things with him, not to be rude but I didn't create this post to ask if I should leave or stay.

I love him, regardless of his behaviour. I didn't grow up in a single parent household, neither did he although he was an only child, I am not going to separate my children away for their father.*

You are willing to do anything to help him? What is he willing to do? Is he willing to take meds? Is he willing to research his own support? Is he willing to seek help for and for the sake of his child who is mimicking his own behaviours, even though he blames his own parent for his condition as they didn’t get him the early support he believes will help?

@thankyoumama If you are unwilling to separate no matter how bad it gets, you will have to accept that your children may very well grow up to have OCD exactly like him. It's a shame but if you can't cope alone then their mental health is the sacrifice you will have to make to save pushing your own too far. Could you start the older children of with therapy and medication? If you both have anxiety issues the children may well end up with a lot of problems so maybe get help started early.

@WeaselKingHenry

He has already had 10 sessions of therapy, he worked on coping mechanisms, it was suggested to him that he take medication but he doesn't want to.

I have been researching ERP, I'll make a few phone calls tomorrow and hopefully book him some sessions, I'll also go along with him to support him.

If things continue with our 6 year old, I am going to have to get him assessed, my main aim at the moment is to keep him happy.

He doesn’t even want to try the medication that may improve his well-being and immeasurably improve your family life and his children’s futures?

I know he is unwell, and cannot help having OCD, but he does t sound terribly invested as a human, a partner and a father in getting help.

If he won’t take the medication then you need to seriously think about whether you want to stay with him; work on your own anxieties as well around taking care of two children at once; your poor son will repeat this pattern unless you act to remove him from the situation. If you’re financially stable then can you pay for some help with childcare if you separate?

@ThankYouMama My fiance has OCD but has had loads of therapy CBT ect and takes medication. He has severe intrusive thoughts but the repetitive behaviour cleanliness stuff is under control. Both his parents had severe anxiety issues and probably OCD but they have never been able to be convinced there is anything wrong with them. Children absolutely pick up on and copy the behaviour of parents with OCD that is not well managed. If your partner refuses to take any action you will need to accept that they are likely to suffer and get them medical help as soon as you see any signs. Maybe you could get CBT for your six year old?.

He can and will continue looking after the baby, he is not a danger to our child and he keeps them safe

OP this is really really sad, if you feel this is the gold standard for parenting. Did you have an unsafe childhood?

You both are NOT keeping your children safe- you are hot housing them to develop serious mental health conditions.
And then you’ll just wait until they are bad enough that they can be diagnosed, and then presumably throw money at it? You are happy for your child to get to that point- at a great personal cost to them? He models his dad now, why would he go into therapy if he dad doesn’t? Unless your plan is for your child to become so unwell that it inspires your husband to engage with more treatments?

This is a horrible horrible thing to do to your children.
I’m absolutely horrified that you have willingly, consciously done this to a small child. And then willingly, consciously made it worse by having another one. I’m horrified that you both have money - enough to enable an idle lifestyle, but you are not doing everything you can to make sure your children don’t suffer.
This is the most breathtakingly selfish thing I’ve seen in a long while.
Please please get more help for yourself so you can at the very least recognise what constitutes harm to a child

I love him, regardless of his behaviour. I didn't grow up in a single parent household, neither did he although he was an only child, I am not going to separate my children away for their father.

No, because it's much better that you stay together, that you stay out of the house and actively avoid your h because being with him is too stressful, that he takes no responsibility for his MH, and that he ruins his dc's lives by passing on his own MH condition to them.

Great parenting. By both of you.🙄

Op, you're deep in denial here. Read all the advice you're getting. A lot of people are staying the same thing. I know that making big changes is difficult, but you're going to have to.

There's no point having your 6yo assessed. What would that tell you? You know what's happening to him. You need to get him away from his father's destructive influence and prioritise your dc.

@ThankYouMama Why does he not want to take medication? Is there a reason or he just doesn't fancy it ?